What do you think of this?

I've remembered more weird stuff...

I'll be talking to someone, there's a break in conversation, I start thinking about something. Next thing I know I'm snapped back, aware I have a blank expression, to the person I was talking to looking worried and asking me if I'm ok. This has happened with people I hardly know. Friends seem to call me back or mention that I got distracted momentarily, without seeming bothered by it, so maybe people get used to it? One time I got the coment "now there's a face!" so I guess I was looking moody or something. I never remember anything of these times I mentally "disappear" or how long for. Would these episodes count as lost time because I'd switched? Or is it possible to get depersonalization so severly that you literally lose yourself? I don't usually snap out of depersonalization like that though, it usually wears off over days or weeks or months.

Weird thing No.2 is to do with my ex. He was abusive, manipulative and used to mess with my head. Also I'm pretty sure I have bipolar and know I shrug off problems easier when I'm in a high mood. But I remember my ex saying during numerous rows that his behaviour was all my fault because I was so inconsistant, that I'd ignore something one day and go mad kicking off about it if he said or did the same thing another day. He said he could never predict how I was going to react. I put it down to his mind games. But now I wonder if it depended on which of me was on the surface, if I would freeze up and take his abuse or fight back. He used to say that arguing with me was so easy because I'd be fine 5min after it stopped. That's not very normal is it :/ x

I can definitely relate to this. I'll be getting ready, and then all of a sudden I'm outside the house. Or I'll be talking to someone, and then suddenly they're asking me if I'm ok or if I'm paying attention. I lose minutes a lot lately, and it can get annoying. For me, I know it's actual time loss. Dissociation/depersonalization is different, and for me lasts longer and I don't really "snap" out of it, it fades away gradually. It's hard to explain how they're different, but I know it's time loss for me. Sometimes, an alter will actually apologize for bursting forward. For example, my little, Cassie, loves to add to conversations and be apart of whatever's happening. So, if something is brought up that she likes, like ice cream, I'll suddenly blank out and she'll yell out "I love ice cream!", and then I'll be "back", unaware of what happened in those few seconds. Usually, when she does this, she'll come forward and apologize to me for interrupting. It's actually kind of cute. ANYWAY, so it is possible to lose time only for seconds or minutes, so it could be what you're experiencing.

As for the boyfriend talking about how your reactions were so unpredictable, it sounds like my dad talking about how I was so unpredictable. I know with me, I didn't fight with my dad, at least not for very long. Depending on the topic and how mad I was is what would trigger different alters. If I was angry and/or feeling helpless, it's like a switch would flick on. I'd feel this rush of rage, and then my oldest alter, Kat, would take control. She wasn't afraid to stand up to my dad or yell back at him or anything, so that's what she did. Other times, if I was feeling sad or hurt by what my dad was saying, I'd feel like a little kid that did something wrong, and Cassie would come out. She didn't fight back, she'd just cry and apologize and try to please my dad. Still other times, if a topic I didn't want to even think about came up, like my mom, L.C. would be triggered out and I/she would be completely apathetic to whatever my dad said and did. Usually when she was out, she'd/I'd anger my dad with my lack of response and he'd often do/say things just to try to get me to react with emotion. My reactions all depended on what was brought up and how angry I was, since anger usually triggers Kat. So they were always different, and I remember my dad yelling at me several times, telling me I was ridiculous and unpredictable and saying "you must be bipolar or something". When I was finally in therapy, and DID was brought up, my dad told my T that when him and I fought, it was like he was "dealing with a different person each time". So it could very well be that your reactions depend on who's at the surface, what's going on and if it triggers or draws the attention of one of your parts, and who you're around. I was a lot more stable around my friends that I was with my dad because I felt safer with my friends, so my mind was more relaxed.

I don't know if this helped, but I hope it at least comforts you to know that you're not alone in what you're experiencing.

Hey,

As Tomboy said it is of course possible to lose time for just a few minutes or seconds during a conversation with something - lost time doesn't have to be as flamboyaunt as finding yourself in Scotland. I don't lose time like that but I do lose touch with what is going on. I do get kicked back as another personality comes through and I cannot process at all what the person talking to me has just said, I have to ask them to repeat. But I haven't lost time because I know they are talking to me as they are saying it, it is just so fuzzy I can't hear the actual words.

Hope you're doing okay,

Bourbon

Thank you both. Yes I'm fine. I'm just trying to work out which things that happen to me are symptoms of mental health issues and which are things that also happen to people without mental health issues.

I'm inclined to think my blanking out is time loss rather than extreme depersonalization. I think it's Chloe causing it. If it happens again I'm going to try to remember to ask what I was doing and what I looked like. Luckily I never seem to have moved or gone anywhere. It's just notable because usually if Chloe is on the surface I'm in the background with some awareness of what's happening. Or at least I thought I was! I'm wondering how many little bits of time I lose without realizing it.

Life from age 15-20 is pretty much a blank. But then I'm reasonably sure I was never or rarely on the surface. I remember talking to Chloe when she was panicking, but know I was talking from the inside. X

I feel you there. This was happening to me a lot at work yesterday. I would just get totally lost in thought, and 2 people at individual times asked me if I was okay. My manager was later trying to explain something to me, and I was nodding my head yes and then totally went...till there was apause, and she goes "are you confused? I'm probably going too fast." Thankfully she's super understanding and can tell when I don't understand something, even though I am subconsciously nodding my head responding "okay"

I hope you get it sorted out. This $#%^ takes time. The times I've "gone", I wasn't even necessarily worried or anything, I just had imaginary conversations between me and my T going on in my head...this happens a lot. And I don't even realize I'm doing it until I've been interrupted.