Therapy Update

So, some therapy experiences...

In our Friday Skype session, T agreed to some requests from the little ones, including:

* Reading a story to us (he got really excited over this).
* Exchanging transitional objects during a break.
* Doing a session outdoors if during the daytime.

So, in last night's session, I brought him a gift, as it was our one year anniversary, so-to-speak...well, I think it was, I'm not 100% sure. I made him a sock-monkey, 100% by hand, when I haven't sewn more than a button in about 18 years. He loved it, is not taking it home, but is leaving it at the office for us to use in my therapy together, in addition to the other stuffed animals I embarrassingly bring in with me.

He asked me to go to the toy room with him and pick something out that we could play with together and even though the littlest one was near the surface, I just could not let it happen. First, the toy room means walking down the hallway several feet, going in a separate room, finding something (together) and bringing it back to the room...with other therapists/clients in the office building. Granted, my session started at such a time that there was maybe one therapist and no other clients in the building, but still. I just could not do it. Also, the little one panics everytime T asks her to do anything that involves her making a decision (as do we all), because she says, "It'll be wrong." She's afraid she'll pick the wrong toy or game or won't know how to play with it right. So, I couldn't, and was sad about it.

I was having a really hard time connecting last night, so he offered to go pick and read a story. Well, he said we could pick together or he would pick, so he did and he read me some story about a porcupine named Fluffy. He sat on the floor next to me, pushed the table away, so we were side-by-side, 2.5 feet away from one another. I tried to look at the pictures a bit as he read it, but whenever I looked at him or the book, the little one started me crying as he read. She was enjoying the story, but just kept getting really sad and also wanted to be closer. My eyes would well up with tears everytime I tried to engage in the activity (which is really just sitting and listening to and watching my T). Then, as almost always happens when this particular kid surfaces, I would get really nauseous and T would notice my distress and ask if I needed him to stop and if I could tell him what was coming up. Everytime she/I tried to tell him what was going on, I would get an intrusive image of an electric drill drilling in through the top of my skull, which scared here and disturbed me and then restart the process of trying to finish the book. I took it as a threat, since it only happened when I tried to share. Several minutes after we finished the book, I was able to share about both the crying and the image. T kept encouraging me to relax and stop filtering as much as I could, but I just couldn't manage it.

He let me get out my other animals very late in the session and stayed late with me too. I snuggled my giant monkey, while he played with the sock monkey and Wolfie. He said sometime if we do a daytime session (hard for me for both practical and personal reasons), maybe we can try to walk somewhere and get ice cream together! He asked if I would like that and the little one, who was snuggling the monkey, nodded her head. I'm still really not used to her being out, because she doesn't push like the teens and older parts do. So, I don't even know that I'm in witness mode until she does or says something, but it's so rare still. T says it will get easier in time, but I just want to make it happen. She kept saying stuff like "It hurts," but it is hard for me to let her tell him, because I know he will ask questions and she won't answer either me or him. I don't even know if she's sure exactly what hurts or if it is anything very specific or just that everything is so painful to her right now. I also have a lot of problem letting her out, because she constantly wants hugs from him and he is still researching on whether he wants to incorporate touch into our therapy. And while we trust him to be nice and gentle and make good decisions with her, CT and I would rather the restriction come from us than from him, because it will hurt her so much more if he has to say no than to just be denied the ability to ask him.

Anyway, that's my update as of right now. I do have a question...does anyone else get these sort of interactions out of their therapist? It has taken a lot of work to get over the humiliation to allow things like coloring, snuggling stuffed animals, admitting their desires for stories and closeness. Has anyone else struggled with and come through these sort of things to be able to engage less restrictively?

I am not in therapy at the moment... and the therapy I am going into is NHS so I have no doubt whatsoever that it will not be like what you describe there.

I would just like to say, however, that your therapist sounds absolutely fantastic. Not restricting Alice was hard for me to do at first but now I let her run (mostly) free with a couple of people.

I wish you the best with it all,

Bourbon

I can definitely relate to this, though not with my therapist, but with my boyfriend. He wanted to get to know "all of me", and was very interested in how DID "works" (still is). He used to tell me, "I don't care if the others don't ever love me, I don't even care if they like me, all I want to do is get to know them and know that we can at least have a peaceful interaction and co-existence". So, I'd try introducing my alters to him slowly, one at a time.

I was so nervous to step back at let my little, Cassie, completely out that I simply could not do it for a while. She'd be so close and would want to play, either with her stuffed toys (which I would bring out), or join in the board game we were playing, but I was too nervous to let her fully be in control without me at least co-hosting. I knew how strange the personality of an 8 yr old shows in a 20 yr old body, and I was embarrassed about it. Especially when my boyfriend would try to take me to a park or something and get Cassie to play with him. Not only would I be shy, but Cassie would be shy as well. She'd want to play so badly, but if there were other kids or people around, she'd be so shy that she wouldn't come out. Finally, one day, my boyfriend told me "Look, I've known you for almost a year. I know about you, about all of you. I know that 8 yr old wants to come out and have freedom just like the others have. There's no one else around, it's just you and me. I don't care how you act, I don't care how you look, I don't care about anything except being with you. Now, let's just play a board game, and if she wants to come out, just let her. Just do it. Don't think about it, don't worry about it, just go for it". And I did. Cassie was so happy. I felt her so near and I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and stepped back and let her out. She got to play a board game and got to interact with someone of the outside world. And because she was happy, I suddenly felt happier. So, I know how it can take time and effort, but it does feel better when it finally happens. You just have to not give up. I can tell you've done a great job, and I congratulate you on your progress and how strong you've been to make it this far.

I can also definitely understand about the hugs thing as well. Cassie constantly wants attention and always wants things like hugs or to be held. Now that she gets her regular time out, I sometimes have to remind her to be fair to the others and myself, because she'll want to stay out all the time.

Lately, I've been reliving the problem of allowing a little one to come out since I've had a newly surfaced alter, Gertrude. She's 2 yrs old, and is often scared to come forward. She loves cartoons, and that's what usually triggers her (so far). She'll get so into the cartoons that she'll come out without even knowing it, and I'll lose time while she's out. But as for me consciously letting her out, I'm still having a hard time with that. My boyfriend tells me it's ok, but I hate the idea of having him basically babysit me and am embarrassed at how I'll act. Not only that, but because she's 2, she's not exactly perfectly potty trained, and that embarrasses me as well. So I have a hard time allowing her to come out. So far when she's out it's due to being triggered, and that's usually been either due to enjoying cartoons or having a nightmare. My boyfriend's told me of times he'll wake up to what sounds like a baby crying, and it'll be Gertrude crying after having a nightmare and he'll have to calm her down and help her get back to sleep. (I, of course, have no memory of these situations).

I'm sure that if I was in therapy, I'd have the same trouble allowing Cassie and Gertrude to come out with my T, it just never got to that point with how many times I had to change T's. But through my efforts with Cassie, I've been able to let her have time out to play board games, watch kid movies/cartoons, even play at the beach or enjoy an amusement park. As long as she's with someone she knows and trusts, like my boyfriend, she's just like a regular 8 yr old. I still feel embarrassed if I know she's been out in front of people, like at an amusement park, but then I tell myself it's not like I know anyone and besides, what's the harm in being childish every now and then? All they probably see is a young adult that's having way too much fun (or has had way too much coffee, haha). I know eventually the fun and games will end for a bit, since I still have to work on helping her cope with our mom's death and helping her finally grieve for our mom, but I can tell she's not ready yet so it can wait. She definitely needs to heal from things, but for now I let her be the kid she/I never got to be, and it's definitely helped both of us. She feels happier, which makes me feel happier, and it makes my head more peaceful since. To me it sounds like you're on your way to this point, and I wish you the best of luck. It's not an easy journey, and it might not be a painless one, but your therapist sounds great and it seems like he'll know how to help your little one. (Especially with the idea of ice cream. I know Cassie loves ice cream. i also love the book a porcupine named fluffy! Yes, I know you do).

Cassie's been near the surface throughout this whole post, so I'm going to let her write some.

hi! my name's cassie. what's your's? i just wanted to say hi to you and your little! i might be young but i know what littles are becuse i'm one. and becuse rain's good at explaning things. i just wanted to say to your little that i'm sorry you're hurting. yakusoku's trying to help make you feel better and is keeping you safe. i have hugs if you want them! *hugs* i know i love hugs. and ice cream! i hear you could be going to get some sometime. i hope you like it and hope it makes you feel better. ice cream always makes me feel better. i also love the book a porcupine named fluffy. and clifford books. do you like clifford the big red dog? oh, and i love the bernstein bears! i think that's what they're called... hmm... but yeah i just wanted to say hi! i hope your therapy goes good.

She gets so excited about other littles, I guess she likes knowing that she's not alone. (She doesn't really comprehend DID, but she knows the basics thanks to the amazing explaining powers of my older alter, Rain. She can make anything age-appropriate and understandable, I swear). Anyway, I hope your therapy continues to go well and hope that you're able to progress more with letting your little out. Best of luck to you!

May I ask a question, Tomboy?

You know when Cassie is writing? Can you see it? Do you know what she is writing?

Genuinely interested to see if you experience it the same as I do...

Bourbon

Yakusoku, your therapist sounds amazing. I understand how hard it can be to ask for hugs. If my therapist were to hug me, I think my head would explode due to the confusion of wanting a hug so much but being so afraid of touch at the same time.

To answer your question, no I have never been able to play less restrictively with my therapist. In face, we do not play at all. She is kind to me and Lauri (the child alter who has presented so far) but we never take out toys. It would be nice to do that with her. Maybe some day.

bourbon wrote:May I ask a question, Tomboy?

You know when Cassie is writing? Can you see it? Do you know what she is writing?

Genuinely interested to see if you experience it the same as I do...

Bourbon

Of course! Ask away.

It depends on how much of a "backseat" I take in the mind when I consciously let her out. I can choose to be right there, not co-hosting but still aware of what's going on around me. I can see her typing, but I don't control what she says or how she types. I can also feel what she feels while she's writing. I can also choose to step back further, and simply be aware of the fact that she's typing. I won't know what she says, I won't really see anything, I'm just aware that she's out and typing. And of course I can also step back to the point where I'm only aware of the fact that she's out. I don't know what she does or says, I don't know what's going on, all I know is that I'm relaxing in my mind and she's in control.

However, sometimes when she bursts forward, like to type this:

tomboy24 wrote:To me it sounds like you're on your way to this point, and I wish you the best of luck. It's not an easy journey, and it might not be a painless one, but your therapist sounds great and it seems like he'll know how to help your little one. (Especially with the idea of ice cream. I know Cassie loves ice cream. i also love the book a porcupine named fluffy! Yes, I know you do).

I lose those seconds that she was out typing. I've figured it out to be the fact that I don't consciously step aside to let her out, but it's more like I'm suddenly shoved out of the way and she bursts forward to say or do something, and then pushes me back in front. It usually happens when she's really emotional, like super excited or very angry or extremely sad, etc. I could feel her get excited when I read about yakusoku's T reading the book, and it just built up until she burst out about it. At least that's my guess. Although, I don't always lose time when someone bursts out. Well, I guess I do, but at the same time I hear what they said, if they said anything. If they just do something, I'm unaware of that. It's like sometimes when someone bursts forward to say something, I can hear what they say but I'm unaware of anything else that's happening, if that makes sense. It's as if for a few seconds the world can hear how we talk to each other in my head, because I often respond to them out-loud as well. As far as reality goes, I've taken the backseat in awareness and control. But in my mind, I'm still in the conversation, so I still respond. It can get interesting, especially if they decide to stay out once they burst forward. Sometimes we carry on full conversations out-loud. Granted, that's not that unusual, but I used to do it a lot more when I was younger, so it's rare that we talk to each other out-loud now. That, and if I'm in public, I don't like the looks/stares I get.

bourbon - I'm sorry that your health system is so hard. I know a few people with DID over there from another forum and I think they all have to pay out of pocket to work with a therapist who is helpful. I was paying out of pocket until T convinced my insurance to take him, so I know how impossibly expensive it is. We almost lost our condo as a result.

Thanks for the compliments on our therapist. My little one burst out with, "I love him!" in response...which I have communicated to him in writing, but am scared she will say it in person. I'm very lucky, because he's told them/me that we're loved, special, cared for, valued, precious, all the time, by both God and him. Thanks for the wishes!


tomboy - your boyfriend sounds lovely. My H doesn't get to know them individually, but we've been together nearly 13 years, married 5, and I just got diagnosed, so he has a hard time seeing any of it as anything other than me. Also, because his sexsomnia is triggering for them, the younger ones aren't really wanting to engage in him. But, he indulged the little one when she wanted souveniers at the zoo. I was out, but she was just below the surface asking and starting whining at him.

I'm glad you've been able to let Cassie out and I can understand how it's hard with Gertrude, as she is so little. The little one I have, Observer says she occupies ages 3-7, but she manifests 4-5, because that's where the worst trauma is from. It's very sweet for Cassie to ask about her and it made her happy and she wanted to talk when we read it earlier, but I was watching my Boo (nearly 3-year-old daughter) and couldn't reply and now she is quiet. The protective parts will not let me post her name or my Poet's name on the open forum, but if you ever want to know more about them, feel free to PM me. Both the little one and Poet have a really hard time going back in after T. Ransom (what my big brother, angry, protector part is calling himself now) has to regulate them in not nice ways to go back in or I get stuck waiting quite a long time. They aren't like fully out, but just below the surface, but enough to make it not safe to drive or to pop out here and there for seconds or minutes.

Yeah, especially with you being 20, I think people will just think you're playful. I'm 30 and I seem to get away with it. People probably think I'm silly, but they go with it, I guess. My little one waffles between wanting to tell T about the sad and scary stuff and wanting to just play and feel safe and loved. My therapist is really great. He has had one DID client before and he is just so generous and accepting toward the little ones. Even before DID, he texted with us regularly to help with the separation anxiety and now when they're feeling disconnected or afraid he's going to leave us, he'll text us with images that make them happy, like balloons of their favorite colors, flowers, smiles, sunshine, etc. He's very sweet and so accepting and it's an experience they've never had and want so badly. That's what inspires the need for hugs, but he is researching whether it is best for us and also consulting his professional association on legal issues, so I'm thinking probably just goodbye hugs, if anything, but those are triggering for a specific reason.

My little one loved hearing T read the book. It was cute. She thought the rhino would be named tiny or something. She wanted to scoot very close while he read, but CT and I kept her back, because he chose the distance and we were trying to respect it. The problem with ice cream is there are no shops nearby, so the best we could do is buy some at Target. Anyway, if Cassie wants to talk via PM, I can try to let her write a little, but I have a hard time stepping back, so it's usually me just typing what I hear for her. She put her arms out (image), so I guess that's hugs back to Cassie. And when you said Clifford books, she smiled big, because we used to check those out from the library with grandma, except we can't talk about grandma a lot, because Kiddo (10) gets triggered a lot by some questionable stuff that's coming up for her.

Yeah, my little one doesn't get what the DID is about like the rest of us. The reason she likes to hold Monkey instead of Wolfie (who she loves very much) is because Monkey is big and Wolfie is small and when she holds a small stuffed animal, she realizes the body is big and gets so confused and distressed. She can feel little if I hold Monkey. For the longest time, she literally seemed to conceptualize me as just a vehicle or a communication device to get to our T.


Toast - yeah, when I imagine being held or hugged by my T, I have those same feelings. Like, so wanted, but so scared at the same time. Has your T offered toys and you just can't or is it just not something that has been brought up yet? T got so excited the first time he found out I had been sneaking Wolfie in my bag. We started with coloring and it was nearly impossible for me to even do that. Even that, the little one kept saying, "It'll be bad" or "It's wrong" or "It's ugly!" It has taken a lot of effort to do something as simple as listen to a story, hold a stuffed animal. I hope you're able to get there some day, as it means a lot to my little one to have that time out with someone safe...


My littlest one doesn't type, but I can write out what she says if I get myself into a stream of consciousness mode. If I do that, my journal has lots of input from other parts and I go a little bit fuzzy (like remember that I was typing, but not exactly what was being written all the time). So, I often have to reread journal entries as I forget what was written or maybe disagree with it later. I was doing that for months before T diagnosed me, rereading three or four times, because each time I would have a different reaction to it. It makes more sense now. All my entries get sent to T. My Poet writes really easily and CT and Observer and Ransom all interject, but Kiddo and the little one and a few of others I either can't talk about or am not sure of are never able to or are not allowed to write directly, only be quoted or translated for. I don't know why that is...

Anyway, thanks everyone for the support!!!

Even before DID, he texted with us regularly to help with the separation anxiety and now when they're feeling disconnected or afraid he's going to leave us, he'll text us with images that make them happy, like balloons of their favorite colors, flowers, smiles, sunshine, etc. He's very sweet and so accepting and it's an experience they've never had and want so badly.

Thank you for sharing this. This point caught my eye, I reread it about 10 times and my whole body filled with that static, indescribable emotion. Separation anxiety of an inner child, this really fits with our vulnerability issues. I have two of my own kids and am super sensitive and aware of any separation anxiety they may have but never thought of it as part of me and a big issue for my little (because I want nothing more than to be separated from my family - not husband and kids though).

Thanks
Sam