Had first real session with new T. It was aweful.

Or I guess I have mixed feelings about it. One of the very first things she said to me was that she had talked to Dr. Mary (fake name) and that she told her about the recording. We had a short 2 minute conversation about why I had done it, and then she asked me to leave my backpack outside so that she would know I wasn't recording. Or maybe I offered it. I don't know. I immediately felt SMALL and WORTHLESS because I felt like I had been called into the principle's office for something bad, not to mention my stuffed animal and baby blanket were in my backpack! I kept on looking at the door feeling sad they were outside and I couldn't have them.

Good stuff(I guess...), she was very open with me about how she felt about diagnosis, and she wanted to hear my thoughts. She wanted to know what I thought I was dissociating from,(I told her I guess all the $#%^ from when I was 10) she wanted to know what I thought was "going on inside my head". Was I honest? No. I said I had my thoughts, but that I wasn't going to say that that is what it is since I'm not a psychologist, I can't decide, at which point she said, "well I like to hear people's educated guesses." We talked about a whole bunch of other random $#%^, and how she wants me to connect with people and stop being alone. Ugh. I felt like she was mad at me. At the end of the session she said "I don't really see one diagnosis that fits everything you've told me. It looks like we're gonna have to dig deeper and maybe there are some missing pieces to the puzzle." Or something like that. She said that last time too. blah blah blah. At one point she said she still didn't see the dissociation, but then again, "I've only known you for 2 hours."

So yeah, mixed feelings. It was an entirely aweful uncomfortable I felt small experience, but...she definitely made it very clear that she was open to my thoughts. I didn't feel like she was shying away from the topic. So that is good.

I think I will continue to feel this uncomfortable and hate any therapy until I finally go over WHY I am uncomfortable in offices/with therapists. But how can I go over it if I don't feel safe in the first place??? I told her in an email that I wasn't comfortable in offices, but obviously she's gonna want me to actually bring it up.

Just feel #######5. And I have to work in 2 hours. Is anyone listening? Sorry I know. It's just a random vent. I'm not trying to complain or say that she is unjustified in wanting me to leave my backpack outside. I just still feel horrible. The whole time I felt like she was trying to catch me in a lie, saying stuff like "hmm I've never heard of that before," or whatever. UGH UGH UGH

Did you bring printouts of threads here? That might help you with breaking the ice. I'm sorry your T made you leave the backpack outside. That would have made me feel extremely anxious. Do you think you could tell her you have security objects in the backpack? Or promise you won't record without her consent?

What had she never heard of before? That's a little peculiar for an experienced T to say. Mine has said that to me a only few times, usually with a sense of "hey cool, that's a new one for my collection!"

She said she had never heard of a school putting a hold on someone for a future semester when they withdraw from the current one. She also said last session that she had never heard of anyone being able to make hallucinations stop by turning their head. Lol somehow that worked for me once, can't explain it.

I didn't bring the printouts of threads. Too anxious. I said I promised I would never do it again, but no she still had me leave it outside. And no I can't tell her about the security objects because I don't want her to think I'm leading her on with the whole "child-mode" thing.

The whole thing just sucks. I have a severe fear that people will think I'm trying to manipulate them.

Maybe that is because I was manipulated.

Hi,

I have to say I would have reacted the exact same way as you. This therapist seems to be punishing you for something you did with a PREVIOUS therapist. How are you supposed to build up trust with her if she is going to act so mistrustful to you? Hmm... if it was me I'd think about my options of going elsewhere. If you're not very comfortable with the therapist you're not going to want to open up to them and be very truthful to them. Then again, one of the therapists I was assigned to I disliked very much but I probably made the most progress with her... so... perhaps it's a risk you will have to take? Sorry that isn't very useful just wanted to let you know that I do hear you, I understand why you would be feeling the way you are, and you are not alone.

Bourbon

Not to mention I just thought some of her comments were weird. Like maybe she had a concern that I was dangerous or something. "Do your roommates or friends know what's going on?" and "Depression prevention". And she was taking notes again. My last two Ts didn't take notes. It makes me feel uncomfortable! But then again I also didn't feel comfortable when they looked at me so nevermind.

dividedtruth89 wrote:Not to mention I just thought some of her comments were weird. Like maybe she had a concern that I was dangerous or something. "Do your roommates or friends know what's going on?" and "Depression prevention". And she was taking notes again. My last two Ts didn't take notes. It makes me feel uncomfortable! But then again I also didn't feel comfortable when they looked at me so nevermind.

All of that sounds normal, not weird. Both my therapists wanted to know in the first session if I was open with my husband or keeping secrets from him, if I was suicidal or violent or using drugs, etc. And I approve of a therapist who takes notes.

I'm very sorry it felt so uncomfortable with you, and that she made you leave the backpack outside. I would not have been able to do that! I would've walked outside with my backpack and said "I'm sorry, but my backpack's like a safety blanket. If I can't have it in there, I can't have a session". I never told my T's what was in my backpack to make it feel safe, but then again, my backpack in general I'm very attached to. My backpack's like my purse, I seriously can not go anywhere without it. (I think that's because I was used to being prepared to not stay at home or to run away or having my dad kick me out of the house. So now unless I'm always prepared, I don't feel comfortable). Anyway, perhaps ask her if you can sign something stating you won't record without permission instead of leaving your backpack outside. Be very firm, and let her be aware that you do NOT feel comfortable with your backpack outside. If she doesn't know that it makes you uncomfortable, she won't be aware of your feelings, and that's no help to you. Especially since you have to feel comfortable to be open with someone. So make sure you are clear to her (I know it's hard, I've had to brave my shyness many times for my own good), that you need your backpack in order to feel comfortable.

dividedtruth89 wrote:Good stuff(I guess...), she was very open with me about how she felt about diagnosis, and she wanted to hear my thoughts. She wanted to know what I thought I was dissociating from,(I told her I guess all the $#%^ from when I was 10) she wanted to know what I thought was "going on inside my head". Was I honest? No. I said I had my thoughts, but that I wasn't going to say that that is what it is since I'm not a psychologist, I can't decide, at which point she said, "well I like to hear people's educated guesses." We talked about a whole bunch of other random $#%^, and how she wants me to connect with people and stop being alone. Ugh. I felt like she was mad at me. At the end of the session she said "I don't really see one diagnosis that fits everything you've told me. It looks like we're gonna have to dig deeper and maybe there are some missing pieces to the puzzle." Or something like that. She said that last time too. blah blah blah. At one point she said she still didn't see the dissociation, but then again, "I've only known you for 2 hours."

It sounds to me like you both are having a hard time connecting. You're not honest with her, and she seems to think she'll see everything in one or two sessions, and that's simply not true. Though I'm glad she wants to hear your thoughts and is open with diagnosis, it sounds like you need to tell her more so that she can help you more. Things like being honest about not being honest. If I found a nervous answer fly out of my mouth with my T, something like "I'm fine today" when I wasn't, I'd pause, look away, and then admit "Actually, I'm nervous about being honest and open with you, so I'm sorry if I don't tell you everything". My T was very sympathetic, and all she asked was that I at least let her know if I wasn't telling the truth, or at least the full truth, about something, that way we were still able to establish trust. You might have to be more careful with this one, so she doesn't come to suspect you of always lying. Perhaps instead of answering a question and not being honest, just don't answer it. Let her know "I don't feel comfortable answering that right now" and if she asks why be honest and tell her "I don't feel comfortable being honest or open with that topic yet and don't want to give you a false answer out of nervousness". I bet she'll appreciate the honesty, and maybe help you work on feeling more comfortable first before moving on with therapy. It's hard to get actual therapy done if you don't feel comfortable from the beginning.
I was also not diagnosed right away. It took me a few sessions, and I think a month's time total, to get my diagnoses, and even then my DID diagnosis was never finalized (mainly due to switching T's and psychiatrists so much). So I'm glad she realized she's only known you for 2 hours, but she still seems to expect to know things too quickly. Though I'm glad you don't feel like she shies away from the topic.

dividedtruth89 wrote:I think I will continue to feel this uncomfortable and hate any therapy until I finally go over WHY I am uncomfortable in offices/with therapists. But how can I go over it if I don't feel safe in the first place??? I told her in an email that I wasn't comfortable in offices, but obviously she's gonna want me to actually bring it up.

Just feel #######5. And I have to work in 2 hours. Is anyone listening? Sorry I know. It's just a random vent. I'm not trying to complain or say that she is unjustified in wanting me to leave my backpack outside. I just still feel horrible. The whole time I felt like she was trying to catch me in a lie, saying stuff like "hmm I've never heard of that before," or whatever. UGH UGH UGH

I think she's waiting for you to let her know because as far as she knows, if you don't SEEM to have a problem with it, you're fine. If she's unaware that you are uncomfortable at that moment, even if you've told her about it in an email, she's going to see that you seem fine and since you don't say anything otherwise, she's going to assume that you feel comfortable because you're not saying anything to the contrary. (I think I just repeated myself). I know with my T if I didn't tell her that I had an issue with something (like my grandma being in the room with me), then she would sometimes forget to ask me if I felt fine about it, and would assume that since I didn't speak against it I was comfortable with it. (T's can forget things too). If you don't feel like you can verbally tell her just yet, write it down or type and print it out and bring it with you. Let her know "I don't feel comfortable enough to talk about this yet, but I wanted you to know these things if you'd please read it" and hand it to her.

All of my T's took notes, it really helps them to remember details and to remember if they need to revisit a topic that maybe got to sensitive for that session. I'm sorry you felt like she was trying to catch you in a lie, I highly doubt that's what she was actually doing. I think she just wants to make mental notes to herself like "Hmm, I didn't hear that before" and by saying that to herself she pays extra attention to it. It could be a way she helps herself remember things, it could be a way of telling herself that something's important, and it could be just her wondering if you've said that before and she might've forgotten. I'm very sorry you still feel horrible. I know first sessions can be very rough, since you're both just testing the waters, so be sure to treat yourself after work and make yourself feel better. (If any advice I said sounded like I was nagging you, that wasn't my intention, and realize that you did well for a first session and deserve to treat yourself!) I offer you a delicious blueberry shake to drink after you have some big hugs (if wanted) *hugs*, and after you curl up with a nice soft blanket. I hope you feel better soon, and hope the next session is better. (Overall, she sounds like a good enough T to give a chance).

Thank you everyone. I just got home from work, and am feeling somewhat better. The day went by extremely quickly...I was a little confused for a while and thought I had lost time or something, but I don't think I did

Unfortunately, I have a problem with therapy videos playing over and over in my head. They are like traumatic memories or flashbacks for me. This is not fun. While I was at work I had the videos going in my head soo much. I took a nap on my break, most of which I am unsure if it was a nap or not...I started to have the nonpsychotic hallucinations, lol.

I just wish I could be my normal self in there, and state my true feelings. I am not shy right now. I'm only shy when triggered, lol. And the whole backpack thing/recording conversation triggered me! If I split or something when I was 14 during all the bullying in 8th grade...that's who was in that office...

So many different things that didn't bother me at all before bother me now, and the other things don't bother me as much. I mean, it's cool if she takes notes. That way I know she is really working, I guess. And as much as I hate it and dread it, I am glad she challenged me to get out and connect...this is gonna be hard. But I am really appreciative that she was so open. She even asked me if I had any questions for her before I left. Which I did, but they were not surfacing.

Weird stuff now that I thought of while I was at work, and I know it shouldn't bother me, but...I'm just starting to worry that maybe this T is dissociative too? She didn't seem to remember that she was sick and had to reschedule our appointment. I asked her if she was feeling better(maybe I shouldn't have, lol, I don't know the polite way to talk to Ts anymore), and she really side swiped the question. She kept saying "sorry, I'm really foggy today" and "I had a thought but it just totally left my head"

I know it's normal for people to feel these things...I just get paranoid I guess.

tomboy24 wrote:My backpack's like my purse, I seriously can not go anywhere without it.

me too! I don't even use a purse. I ride my bike for my transportation since I don't have a car, so my backpack is naturally my go to bag!

tomboy24 wrote:Anyway, perhaps ask her if you can sign something stating you won't record without permission instead of leaving your backpack outside.

Good idea...I'll just have to work up the balls to say it.

tomboy24 wrote:Let her know "I don't feel comfortable answering that right now" and if she asks why be honest and tell her "I don't feel comfortable being honest or open with that topic yet and don't want to give you a false answer out of nervousness".

Haha! I tried this. Didn't work. I sabotaged it. It went like this: She was asking me what had happened with my dad(when I was 10), (REALLY early in the session, almost immediately after I left my backpack outside), and I said "I don't feel comfortable talking about that right now. She threw up her hands and said "okay what do you feel like talking about?" I don't think she was trying to hurt my feelings, but it hurt all the same...and I said "oh, well, I didn't mean I don't want to talk about it, I was just saying it's uncomfortable for me." I can't remember where exactly the conversation went from there, I think she just kind of glossed over it or something.

WTF I say to myself.

I would not have wanted to be put on the spot about the recording!

Devided,

i cant really offer you much great advice here, but i can wholeheartedly say that i would have reacted exactly the same way! About how she spoke to you, about the backpack thing, and about everything she replied to you... i would be hesitating to go back there if it were me... of course i'd probably give her a few more chances, but yeah. IF=f you get a bad vibe off someone from the outset, you should follow your gut and go with it cause its probably someone inside picking up signals that your missing adn the feelings are the result of them being usettled or trying to warn you...But this is just my experience. i just wanted to let u know that you're not overreacting and i would flip out if my T acted that way towards me..

i mean really, what are you 10? making you leave your bag outside is the epitome of professionalism. She is a paid professional Communicator!! Why couldn't she communicate her concerns to you and work WITH you to resolve the issue! that's her job!

And the whole "what DO you want to talk about' is very very unprofessional too. She should expect that you wont go in there, open a book and start telling your life story. NOONE does that! So for her to use that inflection and tone with you is subliminally putting the blame on you and making you feel bad.- Something she is NOT there to do! YOU'RE paying HER, she should be respectful of what you want to talk about and not have her own agenda. I know she wants the info, and she needs it to make a dx, but there's no need to rush into it. she needs to go back to T school and learn what her place is.

And with the taking notes too, don't worry, we get UBER paranoid about it too. Only it helps us cause we can see what shes writing cause we both sit at a round table... Cept to us, its upside down, so it takes some brain power to translate it haha . 9 times out of 10 though, they usually write direct quotes of what you say and sometimes write down if your figeting or if u say your leg is aching etc... stuff like that, shes not gunna be sitting there writing stuff like "i doubt the validity of what im being told" for eg...

Sorry to come down like aton of bricks on your T, but yeah, we're easily triggered and offended by T's.. lol 1 of the protectors HATES them with a passion. lol
Good luck with it, and don't feel bad for your emotions. They're entirely justified!
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