Spoke To The Therapist

Well, I spoke to the therapist I talked about earlier. Apparently, he is full up, but his partner also specializes in DID and she is willing to see me. And get this, her birthday is the same as mine (minus the year of course!). I haven't met anyone with the same birthday as me, and neither had she...it was quite funny. The best part is, I instantly trusted her voice. The moment she said hello (we talked over the phone), a rather young voice in my head asked 'grandma?' in a hopeful tone. My grandma passed while I was on deployment, so I couldn't see her, and she sort of sounds like her which honestly made me trust her almost instantly.

She said it will be a month before my initial appointment can be set up, due to insurance reasons, but she will definitely see me. She asked me a few basic questions: do I hear chit chat in my head (yes, and I told her about the 'bad' voice that always has something hurtful to say), how long have I been with my current therapist, and a few other ones...I don't remember the rest lol. Any who, she asked me to bring in anything I felt comfortable bringing in (diaries, journals, notes, probably what I've written here) and also asked me to keep a little book with me to write down what the voices are saying. She assured me that I'm not alone, that I'm not nuts (I kinda broke down a little. ), and that she will see me.

She also asked if I could find out what 'age' the bad voice is....however, I don't get much of an age. She told me not to worry, and not to try to 'fit' an age to it....just let it come naturally. I noticed on here a lot of people have 'ages' for their alters...do they come naturally, is it something you feel, or...well, how do you really know? If I had to put an age on him now, I would say he grows with me, so 23. I know it's a male voice, that I am certain about.

Any who, this is just an update. Would you all know of anything else I should bring with me to the appointment?

I'm getting a sense of dejavu...did I write this before? Hmmm.... I think I'm going to go re-read my posts again...

LinaeveWorkman wrote:The best part is, I instantly trusted her voice.

That is pure transference, connecting her with your grandma, so hold on to the fact that you don't know her yet. Trust is to be earned, not given blindly.

LinaeveWorkman wrote:She assured me that I'm not alone, that I'm not nuts

She's right.

LinaeveWorkman wrote:I noticed on here a lot of people have 'ages' for their alters...do they come naturally, is it something you feel, or...well, how do you really know?

I know my Teen Girl was 15 because she was created when I was 15, to stand in for me, and when she presented to me a few months ago she was exactly as I was then. It was as if she stepped out of a SciFi stasis bubble. Alters 1, 2, and I don't know about, yet. I think that when (if) your alters' ages become important for you to know, then you will learn it. In some memoirs, the alters themselves state their ages, especially the child alters, just like real children are in the habit of doing. In any case, each alter does have a "feel" that may reflect their approximate age. However, a lot of the time a voice that at first seems old later turns out to come from a very young child alter.

LinaeveWorkman wrote:Would you all know of anything else I should bring with me to the appointment?

DES, DDIS, any other worksheets you fill out. You might find a family of origin worksheet, or ask the therapist to mail you one. My current therapist sent me a packet of worksheets before the first session. Hand over the worksheets when you feel ready, not just because you think it is expected of you.

Now you're cooking!

Linaeve, how wonderful!!!!!! That's SUCH great news!!!!! To finally be heard and acknowledged. I am truly overjoyed for you. You really do deserve this. To hear something like this makes me so happy, because we have all been through so much, and we all deserve a good therapist who will validate our experiences. The sad truth is this often is not the case. So... right on.

As far as what to bring, I would just follow your gut. Those old journal entries (some of which you shared on here) might be a good start, along with a copy of any assessment tests you've taken on your own plus your score (dissociative experiences scale, DDIS, etc.) as well as any other posts on here you think would be relevant. Maybe that one when you were really triggered...? (sorry can't remember the details exactly.) I'm sure whatever you bring will be a good springboard from which to work with.

BIG smiles. X
Caroline

Oh and just a thought about the 'bad' voice. Is it possible that it's an introject? Introjects are internalized abusers that can either be an ego state (in a non DID person) or an alter (in someone with DID). Are the things this part says to you familiar, the same sorts of things someone would say to you when you were younger?

[I ask because one part that would say awful awful things to me I realized (via this forum) that it was an introject part since the things it would tell me were word for word what one of my abusers told me. Una had suggested "kicking this part out" (she can tell you more about this) and I did. Every time that voice came up, I would say, very firmly, "You have no place here. Get out!" And I think it worked, since I haven't heard that voice in a while, and it was pretty much a constant for the past 16 or 17 years.]

Thank you guys!
I'm using my phone to write this, so I couldn't quote...I'll do my best to remember who wrote what lol!
I really appreciate the support. Oh I didn't mean I would trust her, just that I felt trust from her voice. And what she said. When I had been talking to Richard, her partner, I really didn't like him. I couldn't tell you why, though.

I will bring in all the paperwork that I took to my psychiatrist ( I knew I had asked that question before lol ). I almost forgot about the DID questionare!

I honestly don't know if the bad voice is from an abuser. It will say the opposite of whatever I think. As another example: my husband came home with Firehouse subs for dinner. He handed me what I usually get, and I said "thanks for the large size, I'm starving'. The voice stated 'fatass' immediately after that. No one in my life, as I recall, has ever made fun of my weight. And the only bad memories I have are from my mom, so wouldn't it be a female voice?

Sorry this is taking so long to post. Hubby wants to know if he can go with me. I don't think it's a good idea. Has any of your SOs gone to therapy with you? He keeps stating that it's just an initial visit, and he doesn't want me to go alone. He's been protective lately.

Where can I find a family worksheet? She said she wanted me to fill out some paperwork face to face so that I can see if I'm even comfortable in her presence. I'd like to look at the worksheets in advance though, it helps me not be anxious if I know what to expect, you know? I'm really bad when it comes to anxiety of the unknown; I think that's why I research things, ask questions, and look for help wherever I can find it lol. You call it dedication, I call it paranoia!

Ugh, I had something else to ask but I forgot.

-- Tue Jul 26, 2011 10:53 pm --

Thank you guys!
I'm using my phone to write this, so I couldn't quote...I'll do my best to remember who wrote what lol!
I really appreciate the support. Oh I didn't mean I would trust her, just that I felt trust from her voice. And what she said. When I had been talking to Richard, her partner, I really didn't like him. I couldn't tell you why, though.

I will bring in all the paperwork that I took to my psychiatrist ( I knew I had asked that question before lol ). I almost forgot about the DID questionare!

I honestly don't know if the bad voice is from an abuser. It will say the opposite of whatever I think. As another example: my husband came home with Firehouse subs for dinner. He handed me what I usually get, and I said "thanks for the large size, I'm starving'. The voice stated 'fatass' immediately after that. No one in my life, as I recall, has ever made fun of my weight. And the only bad memories I have are from my mom, so wouldn't it be a female voice?

Sorry this is taking so long to post. Hubby wants to know if he can go with me. I don't think it's a good idea. Has any of your SOs gone to therapy with you? He keeps stating that it's just an initial visit, and he doesn't want me to go alone. He's been protective lately.

Where can I find a family worksheet? She said she wanted me to fill out some paperwork face to face so that I can see if I'm even comfortable in her presence. I'd like to look at the worksheets in advance though, it helps me not be anxious if I know what to expect, you know? I'm really bad when it comes to anxiety of the unknown; I think that's why I research things, ask questions, and look for help wherever I can find it lol. You call it dedication, I call it paranoia!

Ugh, I had something else to ask but I forgot.

Congrats on finding a therapist that seems like a good fit. I did not have remotely a clue that I was DID when I met my therapist, but I had an immediate sense of it being "right" and turns out he had previous DID experience and we work really well together, so having an instinctive connection can be really important, because effective therapy often hinges on the therapeutic relationship as much as anything else.

I noticed on here a lot of people have 'ages' for their alters...do they come naturally, is it something you feel, or...well, how do you really know?

Some of them, I can tell when they first existed by seeing ways I started behaving at that age...but it doesn't always mean they WERE that age (for example, a big brother part that I strongly feel is 17 was created at around 13). I can tell by where they hang out, what known memories come up around them, what their "issues" are. Then, I kind of make a guess based on that and either the guess fits and they are accepting of that or it doesn't (like big brother) and they push back and either tell me or show me I'm wrong. Same things with their names. I can't tell if it sounds like an introject or just a persecutor. My suspected introject just feel very foreign and are threatening without a discernible purpose. Also, my Observer (probably ISH) says the others don't see him as family. My persecutors have always been accepted by the others and Observer instinctively understood their protective purposes. Do you have a part that just seems to "know these things" who you could ask for more information? I still have a few parts whose ages are more ranges than anything, because I don't have a clear sense of them being exactly a specific age, but guess based on their image, location and memories.

As far as having your hubby there, it just depends on what works for you. My therapist was my husband's therapist first. I came to a couple of my husband's sessions (for his condition) and it was helpful to the therapist to hear my side of things. My husband has never come to any of my sessions, but they have on occasion discussed my DID since I was diagnosed in May. My T wanted to prepare him for what might happen when we start actually processing trauma and parts' memories. I would say that if you do that sort of thing, maybe wait until after the therapeutic relationship has been established? It really is just about your comfort, so if it feels like it would be at all uncomfortable, I'd wait, since the T connecting with you and your parts is the first priority for safety, etc.

Would your husband be satisfied with driving you there and back, and waiting for you in the waiting room? What's his main concern? Your safety en route, or the therapist?

At some point I would like my husband to come to a session with me. My therapist requested --- and I gave --- a waiver of confidentiality so that she can discuss me with my husband, but so far she has not done so. I would like him to confirm for her that yes, I really do tell him everything that is happening with me, because this seems to be a point of concern for her.

He's not really worried about the therapist or me driving, it's more like a curiosity thing. He's been feeling protective since he learned that DID came from trauma; I think he doesn't want me to hurt more. Guy macho-ness, lol. I told him I don't feel comfortable, since it'll be the first time I meet this woman and I want all my attention on her.

And some things I don't want my husband to hear right away, you know?

Caroline, I am thrilled that your part has stopped its verbal abuse of you, and so sorry that you had to suffer with that for so many years.

Susan, searching the web for psychosocial history form will give a wide choice of forms to use.