Questions

Okay, so I know it's fairly normal to "question" ones DID from time to time. But I've been questioning it a lot lately. I know that I have different "parts" of myself who feel quite different from me. And yet... I'm not fully convinced. The past couple days, I've been feeling more and more "crazy". Thinking I'm exaggerating my "parts". Maybe I don't have DID at all but are just playing along with what my therapist diagnosed me. I don't even feel comfortable calling different parts of me different names. That feels crazy. What if I am just truly crazy??? What if I am just delusional and need to have my reality checked? I've been journaling a lot lately, and the journal entries have been getting crazier and crazier. I'm almost tempted to tear them up, but I'm not going to. I think I first went through alternating phases of denial and self-acceptance with my diagnosis. Now I'm starting to feel like I'm just losing it. I'm usually pretty good at holding it together- some depression here, some anxiety there, some panic here, some flashbacks there. Okay, stuff I can deal with. But this latest stuff is like a total questioning of reality. A lot of derealization and depersonalization. But more than that. Like, to the point where I'm trying to convince myself that I don't even really exist. That I'm just a facade, and there is nothing underneath. Maybe that's true...? I don't know, it's starting to freak me out a little bit. I wish I could take a break from all this sometimes...

I can totally relate. I will post something cool (but a little long) later when I have the time and sobriety. XD

Hi Brandic,

I had the totally losing it first lol. couldn't believe it was possible and thought I must either be making it up or had gone psychotic! lol If you lose time and have journal entries that you don't expect, I can imagine that being hard and making you feel crazy. on the few occasions i aparrently lost time i was very angry at people for telling me anything i'd done i didn't remember doing! after the initial craziness, i just went in and out of denial a lot.

Lol California!

You have no idea how much this relates to me. Except I don't officially have a diagnosis, so that always seems to be another point of wonder as well. I do know how you feel. It's as if you're not sure if your alters are real, versus whether you're going insane and making it all up, right? I can relate; I feel that more than I can explain with words.

Once I had an alter tell me that I was imagining it all. When it happened, I took it as proof that I wasn't and thought my alter was either insane, in denial, or joking with me, but now I wonder if it might have been my subconscious telling me that it's just playing tricks on me. I know I have some schitzo-related disorder and am most likely bipolar, so I've been wondering if my "DID" is actually that with a bit of evil on the part of my subconscious. And that's almost as scary as when I first thought it could be real.

Brandic I totally relate to what you wrote. Except that without a diagnosis I fear my healthcare team probably do think I'm delusional, psychotic or faking it! Which doesn't make me feel any better about myself. X

DID can be iatrogenic there have been documented cases, my sister is one. I am not saying I think she was faking, I am saying she admitted to pretending and was mislead by her therapist. A different therapist may help, one who does not do parts work may help you determine or not and find out what is inside of you. Even people without DID want to perform to the expectations of their therapist, normal people lie or exaggerate conditions all the time not because they are bad, or because they don't truly believe or have the condition but because of wanting to please the therapist. If you do not think you have DID but your therapist continues to request to talk to a part, for you to become a part, it would be pretty hard dontcha think to just stop and say no if that's not how you were to feel anymore. I bet you work with a great team so I would try to tell them how you are feeling and ask them not do to parts work. That is what helped my sister "kick the habit" but for her it really was iatrogenic which means therapist created or encouraged but not because the therapist is evil just because it happens even for people with depression and other illness.

Yes if you were experiencing things that way. Its also important to keep an open mind (and that others do the same.

I've had suggestions off people that I was faking all sorts of interesting things and I'm gonna keep it toned down here cause this is your thread Brandic, but it made me absolutely mad not just after the almost full-time hours I had to put in to integrate my parts/alters, the process taking almost a YEAR and the grief and adjustment process I'm STILL going through after integrating and dealing with unhealthy attachments, and the emotional reality I have been thrown back into. I am not just angry, I'm more than angry. I would personally, as I always did, think my problems fell under "DDNOS". I would accept the short memory losses as high levels of dissociation causing confusion but this is also what my naaaahhhh we about and I think I was right. Being questioned whether you're faking after going through that much $#%^ and after still picking up the pieces after the tornado has hit is NOT funny. I wouldn't have any bloody reason to fake. I had parts before I even knew what DID really was in the detailed sense. That much was obvious. I was in and out of denial about having DID, not about having parts. I chose to want to interpret it how was helpful to me, without working with it I wouldn't have got anywhere in therapy. i would have thought it was bloody obvious it was real from the way it all fitted together. the therapist who dxed me dissociative actually said i DIDN'T have DID.

Thank you all for your responses. Night time seems to be harder for me. And then I wake up in the morning and wonder how I was sucked into such a nightmare of thought...

I don't know about the "DID" diagnosis, but I do know these things to be true:

~I have never known who "I" was/my identity has always shifted/changed. I can go from being loud and outgoing at a party one second to embarrassingly shy the next and wanting to dissolve into the wall.
~I cannot help these "shifts" in states. They happen beyond my control. There are times when I feel more in control than others. There are times when I've felt completely out of control and am watching myself (usually after I am triggered) and I have no control over my body. I am watching another part of me moving my body and talking.
~I got triggered and became very young in front of my therapist (several months back). When "I" came back, I felt very foggy and could barely remember most of what had happened. That's what started the conversation about DID.
~I would not chose this, because why would I want to put myself through that? And why would I want to put my SO through that?

I think there's a part of me that is very disconnected from reality and tries to convince me/everyone that we are not real (not even me/Caroline). This part journaled last night. For example, he/she/it wrote:

"Who is Caroline anyways?
Ha! Surprise she's an illusion!
Surprise there is no one behind the curtain!
Are you surprised? Are you sad to learn that "Caroline" is just a hoax?
Ha. I can smile and carry on any conversation.
I am the world's greatest actor.
And the biggest kick of all - nobody knows!"

It goes on and on like this. I was "present" to a certain degree when writing this/I don't really have amnesia barriers between me and my parts. But what was written sure made me feel crazy. I realize though that I'm not. The saner part of me knows that I'm not, and knows that I'm not making this stuff up. And whether it's DID or DDNOS really doesn't matter. Although at times I become obsessed with figuring out which it is! But when it comes down to it, my experience is my experience, and the label is kinda meaningless.

Thanks again for your thoughts and feedback.

When I read this, I felt as if you took the words right out of me. I am in the same position right now ... and I wish I could offer words of wisdom. I'm glad i'm not alone in questioning all of this. :/ I hope things even out for you, or that this will bring about someone solidity or whatever you may need at this time.