help **********triggers***********

So I'm wondering what i"m supposed to do. I don't know what to do. What am i supopsed to do with myself??????

No one cares. No one. And I try to endlessly entertain myself. I can't do it any more. I can't . I give up. What the hell am I suposed to do????????

I hate being alone. I hate it I hate it I hate it but then again no one cares and I hate people anyway I don't want to be around anyone because all people do is HURT YOU! People are just assh0les right???? except maybe some people on here???? can some of you maybe be my friends????? i'm sorry i don't even know what to do anymore. i have no one.

why does no on e care??? and even if they say they care they realyl don't right??? it's just too much. i can't take it.

sometimes i want to die. just to die. but then that wouldn't be right cause caroline and everyone well they deserve to live. but i dno't know how to kill myself just me. does that make any sense??? i don't want to hurt anyone else, just myself. i just wish i couldvanish i hate that people hurt all they do is hurt i HATE PEOPLE. AND I HATE BEING ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can't be with people and i can't be with myself so WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO/??????????????????????????????

i feel like screaming and crying at the same time but i can't even do that. i cant even make a sound. i can't have peopel look at me or nkow anything is wrong. i hate the world. i wish everyone would die. i wish i could die.

what do I do/?????? i need to do sh*t like laundry but i can't even get myself to do any of it. why can't i just snap myself out of this>?????????????????????? i hate myself sometimes i really do . and yet i hate the world more. am i making any sense??????

People say, oh drink some tea, or some sh*t like that, or oh do some journaling, or watch tv, NOTHING HELPS ME! i don't want to be alone. and I can't be around others. i ca'nt win no matter what i do i cant' win.

How do i even nkow who i am??????????????? i dont' even know. i feel like no one i feel totally worthless if i could vanish into a wall i could. i have no friends i am really good for nothing i hate people because ALL THEY DO IS HURT YOU!

i really don't mean to go on here and feel sorry for myself. so if it sounds like that then i'm very sorry cause i don't want to make it sound like that. its just sometimes the pain is so much it just hurts and hurts and what do you do with that?????????????? i can't tell my therapist anything. i don't want her to know me. i don't want her to know me. i don't want anyone to know me. i wish i could die but i don't even konw if i could do that. why does life have to be like this?????? people say, "oh, yeah, know you, do "good things" for yourself, be good to yourself." WTF is that SUPPOSED TO MEAN?????????????????????????????????????????? BE GOOD TO YOURSELF??????????????????????? I SWEAR TO GOD.................... those stupid a**holes don't nkow waht they're talking about. I CAN'T BE KIND TO MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's not even an option!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why can't people see this? People say (like my dumb therapist)- oh, when you are feeling sad or alone just wrap a blanket around you or take a bath. What a crock of sh*t/!!! Right????? What do they know about anything????? Have those people who say those things experienced like 1 percent the pain that i've experienced????????????????? i really doubt it. if they are saying some crap like drink tea or hold a blanket or take a bath. DOn"T they EVEN KNOW ME??????????????????????????????? Aparently not.

i hate feeling so alone. i hate living in this ugly ugly world where all people do is hurt, and hate, and be selfish. people are so selfish. well maybe not my SO but even she is selfish sometimes. and anyways, i can hardly stand being around anyone so i don't even want to be around her. she doesn't even know me at all. and she hates that there are others who "take away time" from her and Caroline. so i don't even let her know who i am or anything- i'm so tired of pretending sometimes so i don't anymore. i just stay inside. but sometimes like today i just get so mad because we are sitting on our asses not doing ANYTHING and it's driving me crazy!!!!!!! i need to do something to distract myself and anyways i don't want to sit around and JOURNAL which is what she wants to do all the freakin time and I m so sick and tired of it. and i'm so sick and tired of the back and forth texts and such with the dumb therapist. i HATE THERAPY!!!! therapy has never helped us never ever ever.

i'm sure i'm not making any sense. i'm sorry if you feel like you've just wasted your time reading all this crap. because that's what it is- a bunch of bull crap. from a total loser who has no friends and hates themself. that's not even a stupid word you stupid assh*ole.

I'm sorry you are feeling so badly.

I know you feel like no one cares, but I am absolutely certain there is someone who cares about you. I think the emotions you are having are clouding your judgement and making it difficult for you to see straight. If I didn't care, would I take the time out of my life to write this?

If you hate therapy this is actually a good thing. I hated therapy. It is common to hate something that makes you deal with emotions/feelings that you don't want to deal with. Journaling and going to therapy are going to help you. No matter how much you hate it and how difficult it is for you. It is normal to want to avoid something that is painful, but you have to experience some pain in order to heal.

If you feel all people do is hurt and hate, maybe you should try volunteering with a non-profit? one who's goal is to help others? There are many people out there who are healers/helpers/ good people. I like to work with rescue animals because they always love me back and the people I volunteer with are really wonderful. It gives me a sense of purpose to know that I am needed, loved, and appreciated.

Sometimes when we get depressed or upset we end up with this train of negative thoughts. We dig ourselves our own grave. Stay at home, don't do things that we would enjoy. By depriving ourselves of something good we make ourselves more and more depressed. For some reason, it seems like you are punishing yourself. The only way to make the pain stop is to go out there and do something fun. Go swimming, biking, go to the movies, get some icecream. The first step in loving others is to love yourself. Please keep journaling. You need to be able to express all your emotions including your bad ones.

Take care of yourself.

Hi brandic I know this exact feeling you describe. It makes me want to kill myself too. The thing is, it's not actually the truth that nobody cares, but that is how it feels. I find that if I think about it carefully, there are clear examples of people in my life who have recently shown caring actions towards me. That's how I know it's a feeling rather than truth. You may not be able to find examples of people who have shown care towards you because how can anyone show anything towards you when they don't know you exist? Perhaps you could look for people who have shown care towards the others in your system? Can you identify anyone in your system who is generally a caring person? Maybe you could make yourself known to them?

When people say "be kind to yourself" they mean do things that make you feel comforted.

I don't believe that all people will hurt you. Some people might, it's true, but not all. It's about learning to tell the difference and being careful who you have as friends. This is something I'm in the process of learning myself. I don't know if we'd be good as friends, because I don't know you well enough, but I'll talk to you on here or via PM if you want to chat.

When I'm feeling this way, that I can't be near people, I find it easier to connect to animals. Animals are a lot less demanding than humans and they mind less what state our emotions are in. You can tell an animal anything and they won't say the wrong thing back to you, upsetting you, because they can't talk! I find it comforting to connect with another living, breathing creature, so I would recommend you get a pet. Or maybe offer to take a neighbours dog for a walk, or volunteer at an animal sanctuary? X