My alter is in love with my ex.

Sophie is still in love with my ex boyfriend. It would seem from what I have learned this morning that she does a good job of hiding it but sometimes she breaks down - like now. I feel like my world is falling apart. I was with this guy for 2 years but we broke up in 2008. That's a long time ago and I would say I'm over it now. However she doesn't seem to be. Sometimes I'll get this absolute longing for him like I just wanna die if I'm without him, and an absolute hatred of the girl he's with at the minute and an intense desire to murder her and then plans form in my head about how I'd do it, how I'd lure her to a place where I could kill her etc and I know these are not my thoughts because 360/365 days a year I don't feel like this. However this is the first time this has happened since I discovered my alters and she has admitted that it is her.

How do I deal with this? It has happened when I've been in relationships in the past, and I just feel so guilty that inside everything is breaking down because 'I'm' still in love with my ex! It makes me feel so guilty to be feeling her feelings and it turns me as crazy as she is! I once sent the guy in question a really long abusive email because he refused to talk to me - and that was less than a year ago, and then the next day I was like, why did I even do that? I don't even care about him that much any more. I look at a picture of him on Facebook and I am just not even attracted to him anymore. It's driving me insane and right now I feel so miserable because I/she can't have him. She's making up all sorts of plans to get him back with me too. It's ridiculous because the guy broke my trust so many times I don't know if getting back with him would even work. I'd probably just turn into the same paranoid crazy girl I was when I was with him.

Ugh I've tried to make her switch out so she can feel these feelings for herself rather than through me but she won't. What the hell do I do to deal with this? It's been nearly 3 years and she just hasn't got over it yet. Will she ever?

Kaz x

Kaz, I tried to leave responding for later but the internal uproar from my Alter 1 convinced me to do it now. Alter 1 very much relates to your Sophie in this respect.

First off, Sophie feels her own feelings even when you are not feeling them, so pushing her out front would not be helpful. When she is flooding you with those feelings she is not feeling them through you. You can ask her not to flood you; this is something she can control, once she is aware that she can. However she is part of you and she needs help, so please don't avoid, ignore, or deny her feelings.

When was Sophie aware of your former boyfriend? She may have a very different view of him than you do, if she was present only some of the time. She may not have experienced his betrayals. So talk or write in a journal about him, to share your experiences with her. Ask her about her own experiences with him. Did you lose time with him?

Whatever Sophie's apparent age may be, as an insider her life experience may be rather limited. Learning to have healthy relationships takes time, and getting over former relationships requires mourning. Help her mourn the loss of this relationship. The way forward is through the pain.

Now that you know you are a multiple, how do you plan to go about finding a boyfriend who suits all of you? Or do you plan to leave your others to shift for themselves?

Una+ wrote:Kaz, I tried to leave responding for later but the internal uproar from my Alter 1 convinced me to do it now. Alter 1 very much relates to your Sophie in this respect.

First off, Sophie feels her own feelings even when you are not feeling them, so pushing her out front would not be helpful. When she is flooding you with those feelings she is not feeling them through you. You can ask her not to flood you; this is something she can control, once she is aware that she can. However she is part of you and she needs help, so please don't avoid, ignore, or deny her feelings.

When was Sophie aware of your former boyfriend? She may have a very different view of him than you do, if she was present only some of the time. She may not have experienced his betrayals. So talk or write in a journal about him, to share your experiences with her. Ask her about her own experiences with him. Did you lose time with him?

Whatever Sophie's apparent age may be, as an insider her life experience may be rather limited. Learning to have healthy relationships takes time, and getting over former relationships requires mourning. Help her mourn the loss of this relationship. The way forward is through the pain.

Now that you know you are a multiple, how do you plan to go about finding a boyfriend who suits all of you? Or do you plan to leave your others to shift for themselves?

This may sound farfetched, but I think she had the relationship with him. Like I was being flooded with her emotions throughout most of the relationship. During it I turned into someone I am not. Before I got with him I was so indifferent to 'love' and whatnot, and boys got all 'in love' with me but I never felt it back. Then suddenly I got with him and I was just obsessed. I was paranoid, demanding, controlling. I tried to force him to stop talking to the girl he is currently going out with, because I was paranoid about them ending up together. I had homicidal fantasies about her. I'd never felt anything like this in my life, and I haven't since. The thought of breaking off just, well, death was preferable to being without him. Then, eventually, I forced myself to break up with him because he was destroying my self esteem etc. Then, as soon as I broke it off, I felt like a complete weight off my shoulders. It was like she suddenly stopped influencing me. Suddenly I was over it. Within like, a day. That's not normal for a 2 year relationship I don't think.

Ever since then I've been mostly over it but all of a sudden getting 'flooded' with the same obsessiveness that I felt during the relationship. I don't know if that makes sense. Do you think a lot of the feelings during the relationship could have been her? I don't really lose time, I tend to be coconscious, or have my alters influence me very very very heavily to the point where I feel like I am them. Perhaps she took over a lot of the time I was with him. We were long distance so I only saw him for a weekend every month or two. Although thinking about it I can not remember a lot of the relationship and what I can remember feels like a dream.

Thanks for replying Una.
Kaz x

like una+ said, i was gonna read this thread, then go back and continue reading the other unread ones, but yet here i am typing, but i'm unsure of exactly what i mean to say...

we have reason to believe that there is one within that is still "in love" with an Ex, despite that one being years ago as well, long distance, never met "irl", got "cheated on, left, but returned to" 4 times before finally saying "enough!" to a relationship, but are still close friends, but that's as far as it goes. the realization came when this one within fought through and typed things like, "hello darling", and "it's been so long, dont' you remember me?" completely out of the clear blue sky during a random conversation. there's reason to believe this one within was the reasons for being so active on a particular online forum where we met this Ex, and the instigating reason for leaving The Ex we were with at the time a 4-year relationship... and then internal introductions began after that separation, but this particular one within kept herself invisible until the reveal previously mentioned. she may be more of a fragment, it's hard to tell at this moment, for reasons i won't go into.

sorry if that was a rather enigmatic and confusing explanation, we're hesitant about exposing much on this board currently, and still getting used to the vast public-ness of it, and how the entire thing works, lol. its not showing the full previous posts, therefore because of lack of memory and retaining ability of what was previously written... i'm not sure of advice to give... i guess the story just had to be shared with somebody with similar experiences. good luck.

FacetBrigade wrote:like una+ said, i was gonna read this thread, then go back and continue reading the other unread ones, but yet here i am typing, but i'm unsure of exactly what i mean to say...

we have reason to believe that there is one within that is still "in love" with an Ex, despite that one being years ago as well, long distance, never met "irl", got "cheated on, left, but returned to" 4 times before finally saying "enough!" to a relationship, but are still close friends, but that's as far as it goes. the realization came when this one within fought through and typed things like, "hello darling", and "it's been so long, dont' you remember me?" completely out of the clear blue sky during a random conversation. there's reason to believe this one within was the reasons for being so active on a particular online forum where we met this Ex, and the instigating reason for leaving The Ex we were with at the time a 4-year relationship... and then internal introductions began after that separation, but this particular one within kept herself invisible until the reveal previously mentioned. she may be more of a fragment, it's hard to tell at this moment, for reasons i won't go into.

sorry if that was a rather enigmatic and confusing explanation, we're hesitant about exposing much on this board currently, and still getting used to the vast public-ness of it, and how the entire thing works, lol. its not showing the full previous posts, therefore because of lack of memory and retaining ability of what was previously written... i'm not sure of advice to give... i guess the story just had to be shared with somebody with similar experiences. good luck.

Thanks for sharing this Facet. I definitely feel less crazy now knowing that others have had similar experiences!

*Triggers* Another thing that scares me a little, is a few months ago, I went through the weirdest phase ever. I was just smoking cigarettes, and weed even though I'd never done either in my life and was strongly against both. I was cutting a lot, not just for relief but because I enjoyed it. This isn't normal for me. I also had threesomes with my DID friend and another friend (who is a schizophrenic and smokes a lot of weed). I ended up having sort of a relationship with this schizophrenic friend, he was over my house pretty much every night and we'd drink and smoke weed and make out. I ended up sleeping with him (ish) but since he had just come off anti-depressants it didn't really work and the whole thing lasted about 10 seconds before we decided it wasn't going to work and stopped so we both agreed that we weren't going to count it. Now, looking back, this whole thing seems... well... Unbelievably dream-like, like it didn't happen, and sometimes I can just forget it even did. I sometimes look back in shock at the things I did because I'm sure it wasn't me or at least someone was influencing me HEAVILY!!! I feel a bit guilty about how out of control I was for these few months... I wonder if this was alters...

Kaz x