Is This A Flashback?

And if so, how do I either prevent it or discourage it from happening? ...or is that even possible?

See, Johann and I sleep in two separate rooms of my house because he snores too loudly for me to sleep with him. But we tend to cuddle and stuff before I go back to my room and go to bed.

Well, when I move to get up for something (not even when I'm going to leave for the night), such as turn off the overhead light or get something off the dresser, whoever is in possession will stop me by suddenly adopting his paranoid little kid expression and in a scared high-pitched tone ask me, 'Where are you going? Don't leave me.' - only it isn't Chibi or Kiddo doing it. There is no particular alter doing it, it's just whoever is in possession at a given time.

Yet a few seconds later I'll ask, 'Why do you always say that?' and whoever is in possession will look at me for a moment and then ask, 'Say what?' and have no recollection of ever having said that to me. It isn't an undiscovered alter, their system is all co-conscious, so it leads me to believe it's like a temporary half-flashback.

I say half-flashback because there is no memory (that I'm aware of) being replayed when they ask me that, but I know that it's more than just a fear of being left alone. The only connection I can draw, which my best friend and I agreed on (she's the only other one who knows Johann has DID), is that it's a temporarily half-flashback of the night his father died. I realize that his father's death was the trigger that split four of the six personalities (two were prior due to childhood mental trauma).

See, Johann and his father were staying in a motel when Johann was eight. Johann went to sleep one night while his father was still awake and doing things. He was woken up at about 2:00AM to his father dying, and was alone in the situation. The only logical explanation I can come up with is, that night Johann went to sleep expecting his father to be there when he woke up, and he wasn't. So now whenever he goes to bed, even if he isn't going to sleep (and he mainly does this at night), he wants to know that the last person to see him (usually me) is still going to be there when he wakes up.

The thing is, if I tell him out-right, 'I'm going to bed,' he's fine with it, no reaction, he'll say good night and let me go to bed. It's when I go to get off the bed to get something or say 'I'll be right back,' and go to the bathroom or something, that he freaks out on me.

If I knew which alter I should be confronting about this, I would. Sadly, I can't seem to find a pattern. Because whoever is in possession will respond in the same fashion. So until I can find who or what is triggering the whole system to respond this way, I can't solve it. I would suggest Chibi, being that he's the age at which their father passed away, but Chibi is always asleep at the late hours at which it usually occurs.

So, is it a flashback, or...? And is there something I can do to prevent it from happening other than remaining glued to his side until he falls asleep?

MK91 wrote:their system is all co-conscious

Um, apparently not.

...you can't have flashbacks in a co-conscious system? How does that make sense? Flashbacks can't happen just because everyone in their system is generally aware of what's going on? They certainly aren't acting this whole thing out for anyone's personal amusement...

MK91 wrote:...you can't have flashbacks in a co-conscious system? How does that make sense? Flashbacks can't happen just because everyone in their system is generally aware of what's going on? They certainly aren't acting this whole thing out for anyone's personal amusement...

Shawna, I think you are confused because you believe something that probably is not true. Why do you believe you know the entire system? It is unlikely that the system is limited to the insiders who have already revealed themselves to you.

What you are describing sounds like another, previously hidden alter who is beginning to come out.

Oh, really? I thought you were just telling me I was wrong. My apologies for assuming. =\

HIM insists that he knows the entire system...that's the only reason I don't question it. He insists that all of the system's alter stem from him and there will never be any other ones other than the six that have existed and the two non-accessible fragments.

If it is another alter, how do I access it without having HIM in my face insisting there isn't one? It only comes out for a minute at most, and will leave as long as they're reassured that I'm not leaving them and I'm right there.

This morning when I asked Johann again about why he does that, he again told me he doesn't have any recollection of doing it, and when I told him, 'I have an idea of why...' he insisted, 'It doesn't have anything to do with my father, I don't know where it's coming from.' If I knew where it was coming from, I could better approach it. But if HIM and Johann don't even know, then I'm at a loss.

Yes Shawna, it sounds more like the presence of a new alter (not new in the sense of just coming to be; new in the sense of just starting to reveal him/herself) rather than a flashback. With a flashback, at least as in the case for me, I'm brought right back into the trauma. I'm overwhelmed with fear and anguish, and I am so terrified because there is no distinguishing the past horror from the present situation. And usually, even if I'm not aware of where the flashback is coming from, or what it's of, at least I'm aware that it's happening. If he has no memory or recollection of saying what he said, it sounds like his system is not completely co-conscious. And this may be a new part who comes out briefly to say those things to you. It could be that this part gets triggered (for whatever reason) when you get up and are getting ready to leave the room, and feels lonely and lost and doesn't want you to go as a result of it.

Next time, rather than saying to him, "Why do you always say that?", which snaps Johann back, try gently talking to whoever is out who says "Where are you going... don't leave me." Ask how old he is/feels, ask if he has a name (I'm assuming it's a he). Ask if he knows who you are. If this is a new part (that the system is unaware of), it probably won't help by trying to convince your boyfriend of it, particularly if he (HIM) adamantly believes there is no one else. And especially when you don't know very much about this part. Be gentle, and try to find out more about him next time he shows up.

I figured half of it out this afternoon when Johann went to take a nap, but it leaves a lot of questions unanswered, and Johann (the host) is very unnerved by it all.

We were lying on the bed in Johann's room cuddling, and Johnny was in possession. Johnny said he felt drowsy, and when I asked him, 'Did you sleep last night?' he sort of hesitated in answering, 'Kind of.'. Now, a few nights ago, a few of them admitted to being afraid of the dark - Kiddo even made me demonstrate by turning the lights off on him and leaving him in a room alone (as cruel as that sounds, he insisted I needed to know what it did to them even though I told him I morally couldn't scare him to death like that). Johnny is one of the two defenders of the system, so I never really thought about him being afraid of the dark too, because I thought it would be his job to block that fear. But apparently that fear is apparent in all six alters.

I asked him, doesn't everyone normally go to sleep at the same time? Again, another hesitant '...Maybe.'. So then I had to ask, 'Johnny are you afraid of the dark?' '...yes.' '...why are you afraid of the dark? Did something happen when you [the physical body] were sixteen?' '...when we were sixteen, we came to the realization that we could die at any time. I could die in my sleep and no one would know the difference, no one would be able to wake me up.' '...is that why you aren't sleeping?' '...maybe.' 'Does Johann [the host] know that?' '...no.' I told him '...you know I would never let anything happen to you, right? I won't let you die. I promise, I will always be there to wake you up.'

So shortly after, Johnny asked me if he could just take a nap while I was there, and to wake him up in fifteen minutes (perhaps he was testing my promise, or it might just have been he was that exhausted, I don't know). I promised I would stay, so I sat there and let him sleep for fifteen minutes before waking him up. I told him that I had promised to stay and wake him, and I had done just that. Well, knowing that it was only about 2:00 in the afternoon and he was awake now, I told him I was going to get something from the kitchen, and the moment I get up, I get the whole scared little kid thing again.

So I changed my approach. I asked, 'Why does my leaving bother you?' and they (whoever 'they' is) told me, 'Because...I don't like being alone. I don't like the noises.' I asked, 'What noises?' and they told me about a traumatic experience Johann had explained to me one before a long time ago. When he was two years old living in Florida, a gang of teenagers in the neighborhood used to sneak up to his bedroom window and bang on it and do other mean things just to bother him. And it usually took Johann's mother until Johann started screaming for her to notice and do anything about it. But they always came back again, anyway. I asked if they could still hear the noises, but they wouldn't answer that question. So I went back over and sat on the bed. I asked who I was talking to, doing everything I could in a gentle motherly approach (or at least, the one I generally give Chibi). He told me he didn't have a name and that he wasn't really there. I asked why he wasn't there and handed him a glass of water (water seems to have a calming effect on their system no matter what's going on, I can't really explain it). He told me something to the effect of, 'I'm touching this glass, but I can't feel it. It isn't there. I'm not here.' I didn't really know how to respond to this, but he didn't seem to notice and asked me, 'Where's Mommy?' I told him she was at work (which wasn't exactly a lie). He asked me if she was working some place she had worked back then, and I just said yes. He said okay, and told me he wanted to nap until she came home as long as I would stay there with him. I told him I would, and let him go to sleep.

I woke them up five minute later, to find Johnny in possession again, wondering why I hadn't woken him up after fifteen minutes like I said I was going to. I asked him if the place the other person had mentioned meant anything to him. Johnny gave me a weird look and asked, 'Where the hell did you hear that? We never told you our mom worked there...' I told him, 'You told me that ten minutes ago.' More confusion (not panicking confusion, just confusion). But needless to say, looking at the clock we both realized we had to get ready for work and had to drop the conversation.

On the way to work, I told HIM to keep an eye on Johnny for me, even though he seemed confused as to why I would ask that. HIM told me, 'I don't know who or what told you where our mother worked, but it wasn't a person. It wasn't a...whatever you called it. It was a flashback, you were speaking to a flashback. It can't be a person. My mind can't handle anymore people. I can't create anymore bodies for them.' I tried to tell him that maybe it was a fragment, like Yohann or the other non-accessible fragment personality I'm not supposed to talk about (he doesn't like remembering it). He continued to insist that it cannot be a person because he can't form anymore people (HIM claims that all of the other alters were created by him), and that their body wouldn't be able to manage it. He says it wouldn't make sense and everything has to make sense logically to their system. I tried to tell him that not everything was going to make sense, but he still insisted it had to.

I don't know what to think. If it is a flashback that I'm speaking to, why would it present itself through Johnny and not someone closer to it's age like Chibi or Kiddo? I would understand if a fragment personality had embedded itself into Johnny because it can't form into an alter, but it still doesn't explain much.

I'm honestly at a loss. At the moment the only thing I have planned is to reassure Johnny in particular before we go to bed every night so that he knows nothing bad will ever happen to him. =\

Shawna, please get professional help. It is important to avoid making a DID system more dependent and locked into maladaptive beliefs than it already is. For example, you could reassure the 2yo that the noises stopped a long, long time ago. Or show him that the bedroom is above the ground floor, where no nasty kids can look in the window. Or that his system has adult members who watch over him even while his body is sleeping. His system needs support to work out a way to ensure the body does get enough sleep, but that does not involve you staying awake to guard him.

My system guards my sleep; I know from experience (unfortunately) that if anyone enters the room while I am sleeping I will instantly wake and be totally alert and ready for action.

The problem is, that I promised the six of them that if they allowed me to help them solve things (because when I met Johann, he wouldn't even let me label what he had as DID because he didn't want a diagnosis) that I wouldn't try to make them get psychological help. They don't want it, I can't force them if it means risking our relationship. I keep telling Johann he should tell my therapist about the other four (my therapist only knows about Johann and Johnny) because my therapist cannot legally do anything to him other than listen because he's paid to treat me.

HIM doesn't like therapists. One screwed him over when he was a kid because he worded something wrong and DCF got called on his mother. He won't talk to them now. Even when I bring Johann [the host] to the therapist, I realize that both Johann and Johnny are in joint-possession because Johnny will squeeze my hand to let me know being there angers him even when he's just sitting there listening to me talk to the therapist about my own life. Even though Johann does all the talking and he's polite and answer everything he's supposed to (in a very evasive way of not letting the therapist pry into his head), Johnny is clearly right there 'defending him' so to speak, and just getting downright pissed off at being there. The bottom line is, HIM is the 'puppet master', and if HIM tells the others they're not going to talk to a therapist, Johnny is going to enforce that, the others are all going to clam up, and the host is only going to say so much. ...which isn't much.

I am working on this. He's only been going to my therapist with me for a few weeks now. I'm hoping that if he sees that my therapist means no harm, I might be able to convince someone other than HIM (without naming themself, just pretending to be Johann) to at least talk about why they have the problems they have. It's worth a shot. I cannot just call a therapist on Johann if he isn't a danger to himself or anyone around him. If a situation got dire, of course I would. But at the moment, the system isn't out of whack, HIM has things under control, we're just trying to figure out this little one, but HIM is in denial about it, which isn't helping.