A Not-So Nice Visit...

So... This might be long. I dunno. And I'm probably gonna forget to come back up to this beginning and change it if this does turn out to be short sooo.. Yeah. Sorry if it's long. Ps. I'm co with Kendra right now, that's why I'm typing a little differently.

Huh. You're still gonna read anyways? What if I told it you it was full of teenage drama? Still here? What if I told you it was about heartbreak? You know, like Disney Channel heartbreaks, only without the happy ending. STILL here? Wow, you're determined. Okay okay. This one is SURE to make you falter. Near break downs and crumbling friendships.

Well, I guess you really do care ^^ Thanks. Without further adieu here's what happened in the past 24 hours.

My friend, T, asked me to come over to her house. Keep in mind, she's also grounded and has no phone, laptop, PS3 etc etc etc. Her dad finds a soft spot and decides to let me come over. We all go to the movies and China Garden. I have no clue why her parents are taking her to the movies while she's grounded, but hey, I'm not her mom. Anyways. We get back to her house and have a good ol' time.
Now's the time to mention, if you don't already know, me and my friend both love a guy who we will call C. C apparently loves both of us. C also lives about three states away from us. C leads both of us on, but neither of us really do anything about it, though, neither of us like it at all.
Okay, back to the story. C told me and T that we should never talk about him, or anything relating to him. Probably because he knew that we would tell each other secrets we made with him. Well, I choose my friend of eight years over a guy of three. I told her some things that me and C planned to do on webcam. She told me some things that him and her had already done over webcam.
Oh, yeah, C also came to our town about a month ago to visit us. He bluntly told me that he did NOT kiss T. Heh. Funny thing is, when I was at T's house, she told me that they kissed. C later said that he did kiss her.
At this point in time, we've both been talking to C and we're both getting upset about how he has been lying to us about certain things. Well, me and T handle things differently. T works up tears and finds some sort of soft spot for him, whereas I get bombarded by so many weird emotions that I go numb. This is why I don't like being mad.
Later on, I ask C to finally pick between me and T because he had been leading me and T on for nearly eight months. He gets upset and calls me crying on the phone. Don't get me wrong. I love C with everything I have to give, and hearing him cry like that sent me into this...Blank state. The only way I can explain it is, I slammed a giant mental door shut.
About three hours later this is still going on. I ask him once more to PLEASE choose one of us because it's killing us both. He says he's leaning towards T because she wasn't making him choose. "...I think... I'm leaning towards *T*... Because she's not making me choose... I'm only fifteen..." That's his exact quote, only I changed the name to T.
That point in time, I just started ignoring most of what was going on around me. You know, doesn't feel good to give someone your heart and soul and then have them kick it back at you.
Now, here's where it starts having some sort of relevance to this forum. My emotions are already out of whack, but now I don't really feel anything. I feel sorrow, and a bit of regret for the way I acted, but not much else. So, when I got home, which was about two hours ago, I crawled in bed and started at my wall. Here's the freaky part. You ready for it? i heard this voice. I didn't recognize it, so I asked who it was. Silence. Now, that just might be my ears playing tricks, but it sounded real to me. I asked around with my alters and they didn't know anything about this new voice.
Here's the question that goes with this forum. Is all that hoopla above new-alter worthy? I know I know, traumatic events are based on what certain people can handle. I know I know that my home life has weakened me alot. But, really? Is that really that big? Sure, I feel like I'm about to break down.... Again. But that doesn't mean anything, right?

Well, in a situation like this some 16-year-old girls cry for a week and are heartbroken for three months, but as you don't have that option, I don't see creating a new alter that helps you to endure the heartache as exaggeration.

Kimberly, right now you are very dissociated. Numb. This is a common way of coping with emotional pain, especially in someone with DID. I do it too. Are you an Apparently Normal Personality (ANP) or an Emotional Personality (EP)? I am an ANP. When I was 15 my system created Teen Girl, an EP, to hold the emotional pain of a typical teenage heartbreak. Only after I integrated with Teen Girl did I feel that pain and cry . . . for something that happened 30 years ago.

I doubt the voice you heard was a newly created alter; it is more likely an alter you have not met before. What did the voice say?

I.. don't know how each of those act, ANP and EP. Im very... Odd with emotions. I never handle things the right way when it comes to emotional things, be it with me or friends. I get inappropriate emotions are certain times (Talking about possible things of WW3, my first thought "Good. We need to kill more people. How is it any different than killing a cow?")

The voice just said "hello" nothing else.. It was a really creepy voice. Like a whispery ghost-like voice. It was a woman, but I didn't get any mental image what she looked like, what her name was, anything like that. So, it was kind of weird.

Kimberly, I would say you are an ANP, and you are confused because at times other alters who are EPs blend with you or even flood you with their feelings.

Okay... That makes sense. I know that Lilly, Meranda, and Max are EPs. Max changes age depending on strong emotions that he feels (age 6 = depression. Age 7 = happiness. Etc.) and I'm almost always co with Max or Kendra. So, me mixing with their feelings makes a lot of sense.

first off condolences on the loss of C. BUT i think you did the right thing. He was totally stringing both of you girls along and essentially having his cake and eating it too! Who cares if hes only 15? If he chooses to live an adults life (by stringing you both along like that and doing that stuff over the webcams etc) then he is choosing the deal with the adult consequences! He needs to grow a pair and own up to his behaviours. I think its really good that you called him on it. By doing so, you are protecting yourself AND your friendship with T. So, good on you!

ok...rant over... now back to the real point of the post haha

I highly doubt you just made a new alter, id be much more inclined to believe it was a 'new/old' alter (ie one who was made yrs ago but your just meeting for the 1st time now). Not having a mental image of them but getting that distinct feeling that it wasn't someone who you already know are classic signs its someone new coming to the front. Thats EXACTLY how it happens to me as well. then i usually start loosing tiny amounts of time too, though, 99% of the time i dont realize i've lost any time until[*] i get caught out lol.

Its normal for them not to be known to the others either, its like they're all meeting each other for the 1st time too. And its also normal for the person to go back into hiding hen you speak to them. its like they didn't expect to be heard kind of thing... But they will come around again, perhaps because they know you heard them or perhaps only when they're triggered into coming out. This one was obviously triggered by that situation with T and C and thats why they came out now...

Being numb and feeling either just 1 or 2 pretty basic things then going to a whole overload of emotions (often coming from the EP's/ altrs whatever you wanna call them lol) is totally normal too. Its because, as hosts/ANP/Cores we dont deal with emotions like, at all! lol So we instinctively push them away and are left with dissociation in all its glory... its normal and it will pass with time.

Dont be sorry or ashamed for A) calling C on his poor behaviours and B) starting the thread and telling us about your ' high schoool heartbreak dramas' thats what we are here for! and we've all been there before- weather we remember it or not haha.

hope this helps some, you've got some good replies already too.
Hope he chooses 1 of you girls and pulls his socks up soon too. Even though you like this boy, you have to see from the outside how he's treating both of you and i think you just did that by confronting him! in my book, you did the best thing possible!! So, again, well done!

Talk to you again soon
H.

Thanks Weeble. It's good to hear I did the right thing.. Heh ^^ You always say the right things when I'm in panic mode.

Anyways, whether the Alter is new, or has been around for while, still feels new to me. Though... I haven't heard from them at all. I dunno if I should be looking into it, or just let them come out whenever they want to. I just have a lot going on. Between Scream's illness, Max's physical condition right now (that probably made no sense), and my own drama's I don't really think I should be worrying about this new person.

On a brighter note.. Next month I'm going to Six Flags for the first time. That should be a great way to lose some of my stress.

hey,

yeah try not to worry about it all right now... Perhaps try and say inside (just yell it it you have to haha) that they're safe to come forward and you can't wait to meet them etc...nice stuff like that kinda puts out the welcome carpet and lets them know you're ok to meet them. (Though i do have to point out that just because you make it warm and welcoming for them doesn't mean they will come forward again... its always in their own time) So yeah, its normal for the new ones to come and go like that... its like they give you a little teaser and then run away!. and hell yeah regardless of how long they've existed for, when they come to us for the 1st time its always groundbreaking!!! and just a little bit confusing and scary... kinda makes it all more 'real' if that makes sense.

Yay for Six Flags! Stress relief is always good hehe.Especially with everything you've got going on at the moment... i hope Max can calm down again soon... (i'm assuming hes at the 'scary' age?)

hehe glad i could be of some assistance though i kinda went off on a big vent in the last post! hahaha Have fun at SixFlags (No idea wat is is but hey, hope you have fun! lol)

Talk again soon
H.

Yeah, I know what you mean by "makes it more real". But, I dunno. It might not be a new Alter. I could've been very well just my head playing tricks. I didn't get any sleep the night before (duh), though that normally doesn't make a difference anyways (I have a few sleeping issues), but... I dunno.. Seems like an odd time for an Alter to just show up for the first time.

Max is jumping back and forth between being six (depression) and his scary Beast forme. Today's been okay for him, he was even back to his most common age for a little bit, so Im hoping things will calm down for him.

Ps. Six Flags = Massive Amusement park. I guess it's an American thing or something, lol. ( http://www.sixflags.com/national/index.aspx )