I feel like I am drowning - now panic attacks :(

No that's okay! I get confused super easily, since I feel like I'm still learning all this stuff. I lost time 2 or 3 times before, but I don't even know if it was a child mode I was in at that time lol, since I know very little of what happened except that I was singing Jesus loves me when I "woke up" and the other time was throwing stuff. But yeah, when I was in my heaviest child mode, that's what it was like with not saying the big words. And I couldn't remember how to chop up my food with a knife/it felt really difficult and was going very slowly so i just gave up and ate with my fingers. I still knew what a computer was though, thank goodness.

Johnny-Jack wrote:** triggers **

My DID mother's vicious alter drowned me very early, before age 1 perhaps. This caused my first split. My gatekeeper told me he recognized that the core Adam's fear and emotions weren't stopping the abuse and the life was threatened, so he separated, took over the body, and promptly feigned death. The mother's alter was so scared that she quickly pulled the body from the water. She then or soon stopped the drowning. My guess is that this abuse is a repetition of what her own mother did to her but I can't be certain. Was your mom DID or what? What ever happened to time-outs? Drowning as punishment, jeez.

My Mother has issues but I have never got close enough to her to know what they are. She always took what she called "nerve pills". Her temper is quick, her patience short and she is full of hate. She manipulates and controls. She claims to have loved her Father and hates her Mother, but stayed close to her Mother all her life until she died. Her father died when I was born. My sister and I both say she is insane, but what type of insanity we do not know. She is so full of hate!!!! If her Mother abused her she never said so, but my Grandma was very disturbed too and in much the same way as I described my Mother, but lacking the hate.

I think it was like that with my Mother too. She was do it but only to the point she would not get caught - thus punishment... hate... wanting me to die.. but not wanting to face the consequences for it.

I am sure I will find out more in time about what happened to me. I still have no memories of it.

-- Tue Sep 20, 2011 11:49 am --

Dimensional wrote:And we definitely can't relate to littles being like child psyche in adult psyche

Yes! You get it! They are child-like but not a child at the same time.

-- Tue Sep 20, 2011 11:51 am --

Dimensional wrote:They knew big words because I knew them, but they weren't "their" words, so they didn't feel comfortable using them.

Exactly! They can understand and read what I understand and read, even though in every other way they are child-like. Even my newborn, 6 month old and 9 month old!

Often they are making facial expressions while I read! I know they are reading with me!