*TRIGGERS* - probably nothing, intellect vs feelings

~~Trigger just in case, still~~
I don't mind off-topic. I'm considering it more of an enjoyable conversation at the moment, actually. It's kinda fun to compare notes with someone who kinda gets it, yah know?

Lmao lemme guess your grandma was obsessed with your appearance and you just wanted to forget all about it, amirite? Maybe not, but that was part of it with us. Mom always wanted us to pose for these STUPID-arse family photos in front of the ugiest goddamned piece-of-crap statues and $#%^ you could possibly imagine. She resented me for getting all disgruntled about it, too, which just made me more resentful. Imagine going to the largest Zoo in the state, and instead of seeing all the awesome $#%^, mom drags you out to the farthest part to see this big piece-of-shit tourist attraction farm area that entailed half a mile's walk without being willing to buy water. Then makes you pose for pictures and tries to get you to sit on a giant fiberglass statue thingy of a fauking SOW WITH PIGLETS AT HER TITS.

UGH. >.<; Then she pulled one of her drama-fests on me about [mostly] peacefully refusing to do so. I didn't want pictures, I didn't want to be seen, heard, etc. Ugh. ~Rolls eyes~ Such was life. Though I did get to see the wolves, that made me happy.

I... had a kinda bad deal with a bf as well. Was online. I'd never have gotten one irl. no freakin way. Not even secretly. There wouldn't have been a way to be honest. I don't regret it. He gave us the support we needed to get out of my parent's house, finally, at age 21. [Ran away to live with my sister we did. ] We were getting increasingly psycho/unstable. And ultimately it was a good thing that it was broken off, even though I don't like that I had to basically bitch him out till he got the ###$ out instead of popping up like a freaking gopher every month and completely ######6 over any progress we made to get over his sorry ass.

I'm glad to hear about your husband. Having someone there for you can make a huge difference in your life, especially if they A. can relate, and B. are strong enough to deal with their own troubles/willing to deal with it so you're helping each other instead of expecting the other to do the work that can only be done by the person with the damage, yah know? That was a problem with us and Evan. And it's something I still love and cherish in my current ex, who kinda turned out to be gay, but we're still on good terms, which is a miracle since I'm kinda a motherfreaking bitch when I'm upset. xD Hahaha.

How are the kids doin in your family? I still fear for my little sister. She'll be 9 years old soon. I couldn't stay. I was hurting her more than helping because I was going through a meltdown anyhow, but it still hurts to know she's stuck with those psychos. And it'd be too traumatic to try to get her out. That I know from experience, sadly. CPS are a load of crap imo.

Ahh, yes. The "Oh my ######6 god things are falling apart ~Suddenly ALTERS, ALTERS EVERYWHERE! AND THEY DEMAND TO BE HEARD/SEEN/WREAK HAVOC ON YOUR ATTEMPT TO HIDE EVERYTHING AND KEEP IT TOGETHER!~" situation. Lovely, that. [Not.] I'm immensely glad you found a supportive group. I had to go online. My mom pulled far too many strings socially for anything else. Due to how things went with my oldest sister, I knew that if I pulled anything, most people I knew would probably turn their backs on me like they did my oldest sister. I now think it wasn't because they believed the lies of my parents so much as because they didn't want to hear about it/get their hands dirty/get involved/get on my mom's shitlist. My mom's an expert manipulator and she doesn't just reserve it for our family. So yeah.

Any advice on finding a church worth going to...? I'm honestly afraid to try right now. I'm afraid it'll just go sour, as you said. That, and, well. I'd rather be quiet about things. I don't want to be that one person with the huge problems that everyone is curious about but not actually close to emotionally, if that makes sense.

Yeah no. That was James. All James. There were two times when we got external feedback that could not have been us, which strengthens Aecy's faith, and the basic fact that all things considered we shouldn't be sane, happy, or functioning right now. So we believe in God, even if most of us don't want to trust him. Hell. We first finally came to terms with things when Aecy decided to say "Ok God. I'm scared out of my mind. I don't know how it's going to go but I'm going to trust you, let go and see what you do with things." And... yeah. I kinda took over and things started getting sorted out from there. I dunno. Mixed feelings on faith, but if we found somewhere we felt safe that didn't feel like a load of B.S. to us, I'd let her go no problem. The others might be negotiated with.

Aecy says that God would send your littles right back to your pastor, because people are meant to be cared for by other people as much, if not more than God.

Yeah. Two of us are "fixed" versions of our parents. Eerie, that. To find out you are, basically, your own parent/abuser. ._.; Also Malice wrote most of this.

Actually, I can't remember if my grandma was into getting lots of photos (although I know she had a ton of me). No real memories of all those photos, though. She never wanted photos taken of her and neither did my dad. I guess it's genetic...

***More Triggers***
In my case, my boyfriend when I was 16 and I had an agreement that I wasn't ready to do anything and we would talk beforehand, then he just started doing stuff and I froze. It took me 14 years to figure out that was not OK.

I'm glad I have my husband too, but unfortunately, his sexsomnia means that well over half of my experiences have been non-consensual, started in my sleep. I thought that was normal and I thought it didn't bother me. Turns out that was dissociation too, so now I'm sleeping on the floor to be safe. My alters keep popping up even during consensual intimacy, so I may have to just back off altogether for a while, which isn't going to go over well. But, I'm still lucky to have him sticking by me and working on all of his stuff while I do my own.

I felt like $#!+ when I left my family. I was kicked out at 18, right after I found out I was accepted to university, and decided not to go back. So, I basically chose to leave my little ones with my mom, hoping that the example of taking care of myself would be more valuable than me being there to take care of them. We're all warped in our own ways, but for some reason, I seem to be the only one who is this highly dissociative. Maybe there is a genetic factor, since we have different dads. All you can do is be there for them when they are able to get out, I think. Sometimes all I can do is field phone calls and text messages and emails and just be available to them for comfort and advice.

I'm sorry your mom's influence extends beyond your family. I'm lucky in that my mom and my circles are very different. I wish I could recommend how to find a church, but I just kind of lucked into my own. If you private message me your general area, I could ask my pastor if anyone knows a good church around that area, but I can't think of any other way. I was at this church nearly 12 years before knowing it was that safe.

Yeah, the Bible is full of places that it says how we're to love one another, pray for one another, carry each other's burdens, encourage one another. I think most faith is meant to be acted out within our human interactions...but the little ones can only see it an either or proposition. Either God or humans and they never got to have human caregivers, so they want human. And they never had a relationship with a parent who could model a safe one-sided dependency to make God feel even remotely safe. It's like they need that experience first, I guess...

Sorry. REALLY long day yesterday, so my posts will be shorter and probably less pertinent. x.x

:[ Yah. Evan'd #######4 us all the freakin tiem and I don't think he meant to but he was kinda a pussy and kinda mucked with out head because he wasn't willing to face things and instead would say what we wanted to hear or else avoid us. I'm still kinda recoverin from that. >.>; You learn a lot from yer first bf, yah know?

~Nods~ No wonder, too. Once yer out it gives yah a chance ta actually deal with the crap instead of bein on the defensive against it all, yah know? Same with my fam. My oldest sister's the best off cuz her reality never got all warped and $#%^. My other older sis pretty much always exists in a dissociative state. My little sis dissociates too, but I don't think it's like it was for me, or I hope not. If it is, it's partly my fault because I was too afraid to reach out to anyone else in my family. I hope to fix it now; I buy her stuff and tell her I love her and let her be her and tell her I'm happy with her exactly how she is, because I know she needs to hear that from someone. She'll never hear it from anyone at home.

Eh. It's life. There's no point in getting my knickers in a twist about it; can't be changed, can only be dealt with, you know? I'd have to wait until I had the emotional resources available to try anyhow. I'm still working on dealing with and overcoming the whole Therapist situation.

Well. You guys inside can try to help with that. I know Ayame tends to "parent" Vie a lot, since vie still longs for mom. [Or mom before she started rejecting/neglecting us/resenting the inconvenience of our existence.] It's not much. Also, we've decided to start buying them stuff every so often when they're having a hard time and did a good job not giving up, even if they did badly.
Or when they did a really tough thing. That's really made a difference with Timothy. Suddenly he's communicating when he never did before. And they know we'll keep our word on it, because everybody will feel happier when they are happier.