My Sister Thinks I am Faking DID

*May Trigger*

Yeah, I live with my family right now. My dad kicked me out two years ago and I decided (against my better judgement) to come home for once. Mostly because my mother wanted to have the family be "whole" again. And my previous siblings (two deceased), one never made it full term, and the other one died in the hospital when he was born. So as far as I know it was not anything having to do with my parents. But yeah, yelling is common in my house. It's problematic because I've been abused emotionally and mentally / psychologically my whole life and if I was ever hit, I blocked it and Bernadette has it in her filing cabinets somewhere, as she calls it. When I was kicked out, my dad grabbed me by the neck and threw me across the room when I called for my mother because he was chasing me around the house and I was scared. When I tried to tell my mother, she said I was delusional and needed to be put on medication. No one believed me. So, y'know, I was beginning to question my sanity. But Bernadette knew it happened, which was good enough for me. I also called J right after so he reassured me I was not delusional. My dad repeatedly called me an ungrateful bitch growing up from what I can remember, but I do recall being the second mother to my brother who is ten years younger than me. Most nine year olds don't know how to hold a baby or change a diaper and I HAD to know. Because I did a lot of the work. I don't remember much from my childhood prior (my memories are basically of pictures I've seen and videos I watched but never the memories from the time itself) to when he was born because I was a "grown up" at 10, as Minerva tells me. So, in short, my whole family is to blame really, but my father doled out quite a lot more and mum just watched or denied it happened. And they wonder why I want therapy Honestly, my DID system does not impede my life (or hasn't until I moved home). So that's not why I want to go; it's to deal with my parents and my sister and how they're all kinda ...XD horrible people? >< My sister seems to think because she took psych at a community college that she knows alllllllllllll about my condition. Fail, fail, fail. She very well may be upset about me finally coming home. So, yeah, I've been quite stressed in my family situation my entire life. My therapist actually asked if my father was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which would explain a lot; so I dunno. Either way, I think my parents are indeed to blame for the DID since all of this but to my knowledge it is not as bad as some of the other stories I've heard.

I guess we can thank your parents for being such good examples to what we don't want to become. -_- Sorry all that stuff happened.

Hmmmm.... That's really not good to hear about how your family have treated you... You deserve much more respect than that. Are your family still abusive towards you now? Unfortunately most people don't decide to change their patterns of behaviour unless something strongly prompts them to, so perhaps you are having more dissociative problems since moving back in because they are still being abusive towards you? Do any of the others want to comment on this?

Why did you move back in with them originally? Do you have the option of moving out soon so that you don't have to put up with being in that situation?

Jsilver: Yeah, indeed XD It's okay, nothing for you to apologize for, I'm just thankful that the others are there to help me through it...

Salted Lipstick: Thanks. And it's been better but being at home after being able to be own person for two years has caused a lot of disruption in the way that I switch a lot more often than I'm used to so my headaches are worse XD. No one's hit me (yet) but I've only been home for a week so we'll see...yelling, yeah, that's actually happened a lot since I got there but not at me (yet) and Minerva usually comes and then hides because she's just as afraid of them as I am. Yeah, I definitely would chalk up my increased dissociative activity with moving home, there's no doubt about that. I've got a slew of other issues coming up now that I'm back too, like my insomnia, because sometimes I'm afraid to sleep in the house. XD My dad ignores everything that's "wrong" with me so I just don't press that because when he gets angry ...yeah. And mom won't believe me and now that Ray (my sister) has "explained" DID to her, she thinks she knows what's best for me and I kind of flipped when she suggested the inevitable: integration. Needless to say, none of us were happy about that. And then she couldn't understand why I didn't want to do so and when I tried to explain it, she then asked me stupid questions like "Is this because we let you cry when you were a baby?" Yes, mother, I don't remember being a toddler up til being 10, but that obviously means I remember infancy XD
I moved back in with them because it was the only option for me this time. It was either live at home with them and hope or be homeless all together and have nowhere to go. I'll be living on my college campus again in September, and during the summer I have work three days a week, an Internship another three days and vocal lessons on the other day so I can be out of the house for a majority of the time. I'm trying to make it work as well as I can, considering the situation.
Another problem I've been having with my mother recently is when I asked her to return to my old therapist (new therapists are scary - it took me about three sessions to warm up to this one) she said that I couldn't go to her anymore because they "heard bad things about them" from "people". And they didn't know if they're insurance covered it. So I went to search about the hoo-ha and there was NOTHING bad about them (Mother's story kept changing) because at first she said another professional debunked them as "quacks". Then, I did the only other thing I could and found that their insurance did INDEED cover that particular person. When I informed my mother, she told me she was not taking me there because she "was uncomfortable" about me going there; when I asked why, she said "I told you why" and I got into an argument with her. I told her I needed an adequate reason as to why I could not return to my previous therapist (the closest one to my house too by the way anyone else is at least a 30 minute drive away). I said that I looked online and asked my other friends who I know who have gone there or my psych student friends and all I heard was good things. She said "We heard by word of mouth. WORD OF MOUTH." Soooooo then Tucker came out and said some things and it didn't end well. She still hasn't given me a reason. I'm beginning to think that she somehow has concluded that my previous therapist "caused" me to "become insane" and that's why she won't give me any straight information and why her story went from another doctor telling her to having a friend tell her. Because at first she said she read about it and when I asked her where, she just always told me she couldn't remember. So that's my current issue with her. She told me that if I went there that she wouldn't let me use the insurance, which meant something entirely out of pocket for me; so Bernadette (since she was out almost all day yesterday) called my therapist, using my name (my voice and hers aren't THAT different; she's the only one who doesn't have an accent of any sort), and inquired about such a thing. So we'll see ><

Not that I'd usually advocate being manipulative... But...

Could you tell your mother that you've reconsidered the idea of integrating and you are all for it (a flat out lie...). Then tell her that your old therapist was all for that idea too and that because your old therapist is all for the idea of integrating and because your old therapist already knows your situation (so the therapy wouldn't have to take longer by starting from scratch) and because your old therapist is also covered by your insurance and is closer to where you live... perhaps it is a good idea to see your old therapist?

I'm sorry to hear about your situation at home. I'm glad you will be able to leave soon. Your parents have hit you in the past? That's so terrible of them, you shouldn't have to go through that... Is that why you are afraid to sleep at night? or do they do other bad things to you then? I'm so sorry you have had to go through such an abusive experience, you deserve to be safe and respected.

Salted Lipstick: Yeah, maybe I should do that - however, my parents didn't know that I previously had alters and this is news to them and my old therapist I saw a lot right before I got kicked out because of being a danger to myself (and then they kicked me out *singsong voice* irony~) so that's what mom'll probably view as the ONLY reason and thing I talked about in therapy. My mother probably wouldn't understand that I might have told this to my therapist nor do I know whether or not that she'll believe me because I'm a terrible liar >< Also, I think she thinks since she didn't know about this when I first did (like when I was around 13ish, perhaps a bit younger, I just didn't know what it was called; I just knew that when I talked to myself someone else answered XD) that it didn't exist prior to when she was told. So she might be able to see through it. Bernadette really really wants to talk to her but my mother is too dense to realize when I've switched. Luckily, I'm co-conscious with everyone (now), so it's kind of funny when she comments like "Why are you talking like that?" or "Why do you have that accent?" even though she knows I have DID she's got a bit of a mental block herself. Honestly, my mother was abused more than we were by her mother (pattern? XD) so I don't see why she can't understand this XD But I digress. This seems like a valid argument. I just worry about anything the confrontation might bring about in me. ><

My parents have hit me twice that I recall (each of them), but both times were after the age of 10 and Bernadette would be the only one who knows otherwise. She keeps the things I'm not ready to handle locked in her filing cabinets. XD She only releases things if I ask for them or she thinks I'm ready to know. Like the entire day I lost two years ago when she first encountered my ex (this was also right before I was kicked out) so she keeps things pretty tucked away; if I've been hit before that, I don't remember XD. The thing is I remember my brother and sister growing up and they never got hit that I can recall - well, partially because I basically raised my brother. And I wouldn't hit anyone ><. I dunno why I'm afraid to sleep at night honestly. Weird things have been happening since I've been home, like increase in my panic attacks. I got paralyzed in the bathroom the other day, it was dark and I was afraid of the door, or rather, what was on the other side of it. I couldn't get myself to stand up and leave. I don't know why that happened; it had never happened to me before (at home) and I've been in that bathroom tons of times. It was strange. So I dunno XD Perhaps I'm anticipating things that COULD go wrong and just making myself more paranoid about the situation v.v I'm not entirely sure.

**Remembering bad stuff may trigger... **


When i was younger i had a bedroom right off the dining room / kitchen area. My stepmother would come home after work and sort of Rant about things. All negative stuff. My brother and i were pretty scared of her. She would ground us for months at a time for almost anything. When my brother peed the bed he was so scared of her she made him stand in the corner for time-out in his soiled underwear... I first started having insomnia because of her. I could always hear it when she got mad. So I would lie there and listen and be afraid she'd come in my room and yell at me. I can relate to the fear of sleeping thing. I found it funny that your mom can't tell when you switch, and that you are co-conscious and laugh at the comments being made. You're pretty lucky to have such a nice sense of humor still intact.

Maybe it's possible that is why you're afraid to sleep there? yelling and being afraid they'll come in your room. I don't know, just a thought.

Jsilver:

Perhaps. Rini does tend to get scared of things in anticipation because she can sense changes in the air. Auras (I think she calls it) and such so she knows when something bad is going to happen. Heightened intuition and all that. Negativity can leave a nasty feeling in the air, so it may very well be the cause of her panics. Thank you for sharing that; it did give a little insight to what may be happening with Rini. That's good to know.

~B~

Bernadette,

I usually don't like to think about that stuff that happened when i was younger. I rarely talk about it at all anymore. However reading through your guy's recollections has brought up some stuff for me. I felt that i should share something that i had to deal with. I'm glad that it might help.

P.s.

(to lighten the mood a bit)

Minerva,

I know you have a British accent. Do you think of us as Colonials?

Jsilver:

Thanks again. I guess we "triggered" you then XD




Oh, dear, no I do not think that at all! But that did make me giggle a bit. ^_^