Just looking for some answers

...but then aren't we all?!

Is it OK if I just tell my story and ask some questions? I hope it is and I really hope I get some answers.

I have always had an awareness that I am in "parts", I called them modes and I have many different modes that allowed me to function (really really well) day to day. In February/March 2010 I had a "breakdown" and ended up in the psych hospital for aaaages- and got landed with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder- and the 400 different drugs to go with it. The drugs never worked and I came off them all in January this year. I have very little memory of my time on the psych ward but having very little memory of something is not new to me- I don't really remember much. My entire childhood "memories" are actually based on photos I have seen of myself as a child and general embellishment to fill in the gaps!

Anyway fast forward to where I am now- I started psychodynamic therapy in January (I think, I don't really remember) and the first thing my T picked up on was my "concerning level of dissociation". In the past my psych had referred to me as having a "dissociative personality" I never really paid much attention, I was too busy being acutely mentally ill!

I'm a lot more stable now and generally coping ok- apart from the run up to and the days following T sessions. So I've done a lot of reading on dissociative disorders and I see an awful lot of myself and my experiences in what I've read. I am much to afraid to mention this to my T for several reasons-

- I don't want to sound like some smartass self-diagnoser
- I don't want a diagnosis of Munchausen’s
- I am simply not allowed to tell her
- I suspect I may have read too many books and got a little paranoid
- having had the DSM-IV already stapled to my notes I am keen to avoid any more diagnoses

Three sessions ago during T, I can't even remember what we were discussing but I got my very familiar "fizzy legs" and sore head- this is usually an indication to me to pull back and stop but this time I heard a child’s voice in my head say "I want to go home" and the voice very nearly snuck out of my mouth. Since then I have avoided discussing anything remotely triggering in T just incase it happens again. (yes I know, very grown-up)

And this is where I lose my train of thought (thank god said anyone who’s read so far) I guess I just want some guidance and some answers. Suppose I’d better ask some questions!

- Is it possible to make it to age 34 as a happily (?) functioning, controlled multiple only for something to trip the switch and let it all fall apart a bit?
- Can therapy cause alters to suddenly make themselves known? (the little girls voice has since gained a name, age, dress, hair, face, body- the works. I’m blaming my over active imagination and too much reading!)
- How on earth do I raise this with my T? I have thought of a (cowardly) email that just says “I *think* I have a six year old child living in my head and three weeks ago she tried to speak to you” but this just sounds so weird!
- Will I be able to stay in control of my system to stop anyone saying anything at T?
- Surely if I do have DID or DID NOS somebody would’ve noticed by now? Before the breakdown I was really high functioning and successful (though couldn’t cope with seeing people “out of context”, was in a completely different “mode” for every situation etc etc)

I have an over-riding fear of being “found out” I feel that I have to work really hard to protect my system- my inner surly teen is watching me write this and getting almightily pissed off that I’m telling. My 6 year old hates me because I don't think she's real and I don't like her name.

But I don’t have DID! Or do I?!

All feedback and opinions welcome. Thanks for reading.

Donkey

Well I can't really answer many of your questions but I had the same question about therapy making your alters known...the short answer that I learned from myself and from others on the forum is YES therapy can make you more aware of your alters.

I do not go to therapy though because it makes me worse and I function somewhat better with everyone in my system on my own with a little bit of suggestions from others...

My first alter that made herself known was Little Nicki and that was a about a year I think or so ago..and now I have 10 more but that's probably not making you feel better and I am sorry.

but I don't know if I was high functioning like you are because I also have Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar Type

Oh Dear..she is rambling again..She tries to help she really does but it gets rather confusing for her..let me try and figure out what she is trying to say..Alright so this is what she is trying to say in a nut shell. Therapy made her aware of all of us but she no longer goes anymore...but when Little Nicki first came out to speak to her family members that is when something was different. That is all I am afraid I can figure out right now

Our situation was pretty much the same. In a nutshell... There was a life event that caused a huge amount of stress. A few weeks before this life event happened, Jason had just started therapy. Soon after, hints were being dropped all over the place about DID. It was also something the T was telling Jason she had observed during the sessions. But he never really "clued" in. Anyhow, when this life event was in full blown action, Jason suddenly realized one morning that he was having a complete conversation with Eric (our protector) while standing in the mirror shaving. From that point on more of us have revealed ourselves to Jason and each other. So, therapy opened the door (unlocked it) and the life changing event swung it wide open. (Jay)

Hi,

I cant tell you what you do or dont have, as other posters have said, i think it can depend what's going on for you - and i might be biased because i have gone through something similar, but i relate to what you wrote, i dont have a final over-all dx, but my informal dx for this stuff is dissociative disorder with "severe personality fragmentation". im told i dont have DID, but i did have "conversations" with different parts of me! lol.

i had something very similar going on - i couldn't switch versions/modes at will as easily as you, so didn't find it as easy to be "in the right mode" for the right situation... i was only aware i was "different at different times", i felt a lot of disconnection between different stages of my life, different situations i was in, all sorts. I fell apart under therapy too, and developed "internal alters" - i think severe fragmentation can be a little like DID, but doesn't mean you'll suddenly develop "full alters").

I think there is a fine line between DID and between fragmentation, and its all on a continuum, i was afraid i was going to develop full-blown DID, but i didn't, and i think the reason for that is you dissociate as much as you need to to deal with the trauma you had. I did have memory loss, and felt like my childhood happened to different people who were not me, but i didn't suddenly develop full DID. What did happen was that my personality "fell apart" under therapy, and it felt a lot like you are describing. you can get "thought-voices" or images coming through like flashbacks.

I'm a lot less separate than I was now, am still working on and healing that fragmentation, but am not "separate" any more, if that is at all reassuring.

If this is what's going on for you, i found it helpful to work with it in some similar ways to DID, do a fragmentation map, work out where all the different parts of you are and what your issues are, what each part of you needs help with. i got different versions of me to choose names, but i dont think you have to. try to do whatever is helpful to you. what will help whatever it is is to try to help the parts of you who are speaking to you, try to solve what's hurting them and listen to them. also remember they are all parts of you, you are just very disconnected. eventually you will need to come back together, so a healthy attitude to work towards is "we are all me". eventually, with the right therapy that becomes "i am all these different parts"... what happens after that, well its still happening for me, so im not sure!

i guess it could be dxed as "DDNOS", but the term therapists tend to use for working with it (mine was a specialist in childhood abuse/trauma) is "personality fragmentation". when that falls apart it can be very scary and disorientating. but if you were functioning in different modes who were all you, this sounds a lot like that. fragmentation like that works through dissociation too, but it doesn't sound like you're suddenly developing DID - sounds like you do come in different parts, but its likely this is just part of the healing process.

Hang in there, and if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to PM me. xox

I can relate to almost everything you said. I just 'realized' what was going on with me after a year of therapy. I have did with mostly but not always copresence. I was misdiagnosed bipolar years ago and have had a host of issues that have kept me in and out of the medical system for years. I too had the voice in therapy except mine did come out of my mouth. I tried to hide it right away but I had heard it. Someone else had spoken through my mouth.

Your reasons for not wanting to tell the therapist particularly resonated with me especially the being found out. Some of my alters were pissed and I was not allowed to tell. It took a while and I had to make the leap of faith to tell my therapist what was up and show my alters that he could be trusted. He already knew pretty much but was waiting for me. Telling was rather anti climactic but some in here are still not on board

I am 35 and my system hid the truth from me pretty much my whole life so that I could function, which until recently I did very well for someone in complete denial of her personal reality. Adjusting to the 'new' state of affairs was very very hard to accept. I am not even the core. But it made sense and I my singlet delusion was becoming really maladaptive so I had to accept what was actually going on in the end.

Like everyone else said, I don't know what your reality is but I can definitely relate. I would do some soul searching about your therapist. Are they capable? do you trust them? Try and think empirically not emotionally cause if you are like me some parts really don't like my t because it takes us out of hiding, something we've been doing all our lives for what in the past were very good reasons. Telling for me was very freeing. And if your T is good and have your best interests at heart then they can help you figure out what's going on. Sounds like you could use an ally.

Sending you best wishes

Rosie et al

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply and share your experiences, it's been really helpful. Obviously you've said some things I didn't want to hear but you've also said some things I did want to hear so that's good.

I swing in and out of denial about what's going on with me- and today is a denial day so I've convinced myself that my experiences are just the product of an over active imagination and too much reading.

When I first started reading about DID I consolled myself that it didn't apply to me as I didn't have any alters but gawd even as I'm writing this I can see two of them in my head and it's a constant fight to stop them taking over. I just feel like at the moment I can keep the control- but only just and therapy feels like a sure-fire way to lose that control. I'm so conflicted. Part of me wants this to stop, wants to be whole but other parts of me don't want to say anything, don't want to get found out, can't tell, won't tell. There is another part of me (the 6 yr old) who is currently determined to completely take over my next therapy session and that scares me.

I don't quite know how I feel about my therapist, I've kind of hinted at what's going on- talked a lot about the fragmentation. Part of me suspects she's just waiting for someone else to pop out in one of our sessions part of me suspects (or worries) that we are in the UK therefore she probably doesn't "believe" in DID anyway.

I guess I just don't know what to do, my current solution is just to stop therapy and run away and hide and hope that I can get back to the level of functioning that I had before the breakdown. The sensible part of me suspects that this is going to get worse before it gets better.

I'm rambling now sorry, it's just that you all sound so sensible and knowledgeable and I've struggled to find online resources that even discuss integration remotely positively. I know integration isn’t for everyone but I think it’s for me. *ignores protesting internal voices*

I have a psych appointment this afternoon and I wish I had the guts just to go in and say to her, I think I have DID lets do the SCID! But there is no chance of that happening, I’ll probably be my usual avoidant self and pretend I’m fine.

Oh I’m in such a mess and I could just write and write but I don’t want to bore people. I have so many questions, so many conflicts. I want to email my T right now and tell her everything and also tell her that now I’ve told her everything I never want to see her again!

I just feel so bogged down in the mental health system, it’s like I can’t escape- but part of me wants to get “better” whatever that is. I’m not happy, I’ve never been happy. I long for the days when I was just mental and had no insight whatsoever!

I am constantly asking myself “is this real?. It’s like a big secret I keep hidden from my entire care team and everyone I know.
I question if it’s real because I still have a shred of control- my 6 yr old would love to write here but I won’t allow it- I allowed her to write on another board (she hates me) but if I had to “allow” it surely this isn’t dissociation?

Then I read what I right and think jeez woman how much evidence do you need? How many other people even have a 6 yr old in their head?!

Ok, I’m spiralling out of control now and I already said I needed to stop, Katana you may come to regret that offer to PM you!

Sorry for going on, I’m just confused and scared and conflicted. Thanks again for all your help, I really appreciate it.

Donkey

Hi, I realise you've had a lot of replies but I wanted to give you my opinion too, as someone with DID and a child alter.
I'm going to try and address your questions..

Is it possible to make it to age 34 as a happily (?) functioning, controlled multiple only for something to trip the switch and let it all fall apart a bit?

This is entirely possible. I've had my DID since I was a child, which is where it usually develops but didn't discover what was happening in my head as being DID until I was around 15. DID is often a WAY of functioning, even if it does not feel like you have much control at times. It does not neccessarily mean you can't be happy either, I've learnt to live with my DID and communicate with my alters so much so it rarely causes me problems, but I do have the odd moments where I fall apart.

Can therapy cause alters to suddenly make themselves known? (the little girls voice has since gained a name, age, dress, hair, face, body- the works. I’m blaming my over active imagination and too much reading!)

Therapy is a huge way of bringing out more about an alter or a new alter that you might not have even known about. Because you are going through this in therapy, it can often trigger things with you or an alter and make them want to speak up. Yes, you may have convinced yourself you have certain symptoms of DID you don't have, I wouldn't be able to tell you, but there's no use in denying it all together either, don't be so hard on yourself!

How on earth do I raise this with my T? I have thought of a (cowardly) email that just says “I *think* I have a six year old child living in my head and three weeks ago she tried to speak to you” but this just sounds so weird!

I know from my experience, there’s no easy way of doing this. I simply said everything that was happening to me, what happened when I switched, about the communication in my head and about evidence of things that have happened out of my control (i.e. when I first discovered my alter Sophie, she had her own friends/boyfriend and would travel miles away to see them). It’s not an easy thing to admit to, but they can’t help you unless they know about it. They’re therapists, they hear everything and anything and are there to help you, not judge you. If you don’t feel comfortable with your therapist in particular, maybe you need to think about finding a different one.

Will I be able to stay in control of my system to stop anyone saying anything at T?

Hmm, this is a tricky one. My system is at the point where we have agreements of when and where it isn’t appropriate to switch, but at first my alters all wanted to be in control all the time, as well as me, and they would just say things to my T. But this can be a good way of healing also. You could try to communicate with your alter maybe through writing or in your head, and find out why she is so desperate to talk to your T and perhaps negotiate?

(I know these weren’t questions, but just wanted to reply to a couple of other things you said)

I guess I just don't know what to do, my current solution is just to stop therapy and run away and hide and hope that I can get back to the level of functioning that I had before the breakdown. The sensible part of me suspects that this is going to get worse before it gets better.

Trust me, this is the last thing that will help right now. I have PTSD also and although it’s not the same as what happened to you, I ignored it for years and it came back to bite me even harder. Suppressing a problem or mental disorder like this won’t make things better, you need to try to tackle the issues that caused this to happen in order to make it easier for you. It’s a hard thing to go through alone, it may get harder before it gets better, but it will get easier, especially the support you’d be getting.

I am constantly asking myself “is this real?. It’s like a big secret I keep hidden from my entire care team and everyone I know. I question if it’s real because I still have a shred of control- my 6 yr old would love to write here but I won’t allow it- I allowed her to write on another board (she hates me) but if I had to “allow” it surely this isn’t dissociation?

Like I said earlier in this post, it is possible to still have slightly more control. Maybe you have more control than you think, for the fact you can not allow her to write on here. I allow my alters too, but they only will when something triggers an extremely strong emotion in them. Doesn’t mean it’s not dissociation, it means you are communicating with her in your head which is entirely possible, you might even want to read something about co-conscious DID and see if that applies to you.

Take care and I hope this helps, feel free to PM me with any other questions,
K

Donkey, I am right there with you. I am 46, married with children, and a high achiever in my career and life. I was unaware of being a multiple until this year, despite having noticed some absences and co-presences. Several months ago while under stress I heard a voice in my head. During my first therapy session ever, a few days after hearing the voice, I gave a history entirely consistent with DID, but only months later did I read anything about DID.

My entire childhood "memories" are actually based on photos I have seen of myself as a child and general embellishment to fill in the gaps!

Mine too. I "remember" the houses where I lived before age 7, but they are just exterior shells with no interiors.

- Will I be able to stay in control of my system to stop anyone saying anything at T?

Probably not. The insider I heard in my head took control and spoke to my therapist.

- Surely if I do have DID or DID NOS somebody would’ve noticed by now? Before the breakdown I was really high functioning and successful (though couldn’t cope with seeing people “out of context”, was in a completely different “mode” for every situation etc etc)

You'd think so, right? Sometimes people do notice, but often they don't. Over the years I have reported a number of strange happenings to my friends and husband. They thought nothing of these events at the time but in retrospect the DID is obvious. For example, I used to lose time while nursing my first baby. Suddenly "poof, no baby!" and I would panic and search the room. Every time the baby turned up in the crib, safe and sound. My husband saw this happen several times but dismissed it as me being sleep-deprived.

I also have problems with encountering people "out of context". I often fail to recognize them or if I do recognize them I can't recall how I know them or what their name is. Is it like that for you? Until reading your post, it had not occurred to me this fault of mine could be related to DID. Why do you think it is related?

Now that the dissociated compartments in your mind are leaking, you are not likely to be able to go back to your former way of coping by simply "stuffing" them. I recommend you tell your therapist. If it is just too much to say out loud, print off a copy of your initial post here and hand it to your therapist, or e-mail the therapist an URL to this thread. If your therapist has prior experience with DID clients, it is likely that she (?) already has a strong suspicion that you have DID.

Una+ wrote:For example, I used to lose time while nursing my first baby. Suddenly "poof, no baby!" and I would panic and search the room.

I think that would just about give me a heart attack

Una+ wrote:I often fail to recognize them or if I do recognize them I can't recall how I know them or what their name is. Is it like that for you? Until reading your post, it had not occurred to me this fault of mine could be related to DID.

Do you actually know the person, and later remember who they are? People without DID also forget names, or can't quite place where they know someone from, but if it's more than just normal forgetfulness, you might want to ask your alters if they know what's going on. Maybe you're losing time, and someone else was actually the one who talked to the person?