Advice? Wondering if anyone's been through the same thing..

So, I'm currently in therapy mainly to deal with my PTSD/anxiety/confidence issues. But ofc, I have DID too
I've gradually come to realise what my therapist is getting at. He thinks as the two are related, once he 'cures' my PTSD, my DID will vanish with it.. or at least it won't happen nowhere near as often.
I don't like the idea of integration. My 3 alters are like family to me, and to me, it would feel like I am killing them or sending them away. I want my PTSD to go away, as I don't see this as a mental disorder with any benefits but my DID I've grown attached too and I don't think I would be 'me' without it...
He thinks I've just grown comfortable and that I should learn that intergration is inevitable.. He is a very good therapist and helping me a lot with my issues, but I really don't want to intergrate, at all.
Anyone else ever experienced this problem? Or any advice?
I don't want a new therapist btw!

Thanks in advance, K.

Hey ive been ordered by the courts to go through with intergration not going to happen Maria is far too stubborn and like you they all i have nowadays since they took my kids but they keep me here not anyone else. My therapist who is really good told me it can make you worse than better sometimes because you get all the memories back and as soon as you reconnect your going to breakdown again does that make sense? (i do apologise i'm on new medication and everything is even more jumbled) its entirely up to you if you want to intergrate but i wouldn't feel forced into it if you all live together co-exist then i don't see why you couldn't. We all have a structure now and i'm still finding new ones in there but i look at it this they all apart of me i wouldnt cut a finger off for no one so why would i get rid of my alters cause i'm attached to them like im attached to my body parts its who i am and its people with d.i.d who live with it not no-one else. I hope this helps without sounding like ramblings
Paula

As far as I'm aware, for integration to happen, both parties must at least be willing for it to. Curing the PTSD shouldn't automatically make you integrate if you and they all wish to remain seperate.
We had a therapist who said the same thing yours did, but we left her pretty early on.

integration is a HUGELY personal decision and can only happen with the agreement of everyone involved.. If you're forced into it (or even the the others feel like they're being forced) they will more likely disappear and not come out so as it looks like you're integrated...

As for the PTSD, i really don't think that 'curing' it will change anything with the DID. It might make things more stable inside and less triggered for everyone, but it's certainly NOT going to get rid of them...Why do T's have to 'cure' DID anyways? It's our decision!! Though, i reckon the PTSD stuff being gone would be great! Good on you for putting in the hard work to get rid of it.

Sorry i can't be more help, the mere suggestion of integration by our T (or the SO) leads to full blown fights and inner triggering beyond anything i can imagine! It's not fun at all for us which is why we avoid the topic with our T. And like i think you need to do, we have told our T numerous times to not talk about it and that we are NOT working towards integrating...Any indication this is what she is working towards with us and we go into lock down mode and completely shut her out and sabotage everything related to T... she's caught on pretty quickly lol

hope this helps...

Paula - I do feel as though I am in a way being forced into it, we all communicate and compromise for eachother well. My system used to have it's issues but now, we are all on good terms. I agree with what you said, they feel like a part of me and the thought of 'getting rid of them' feels as alien to me as losing a body part or something!

Lilith - I'm not too fimilar with how integration works exactly but it's comforting in a way to know that we'd all have to be willing, as I know NONE of us are. I don't think he means it will automatically make it happen as such, but more than it will inevitably make it fade at least. My therapist isn't bad, he's helped me a lot and I don't think he's suggesting integration in a vicious way, more as a warning that this could happen if that makes sense?

Weeble - I can see the 'pretending to disappear' thing as something that my alters would definately do I hope it doesn't, I really do. And I know, it really annoys me that T's think DID is something that needs to be cured. It's part of who I am, and I don't WANT to lose it. It's helped me through so much and I honestly don't believe I'd be where I am without it. PTSD gone would be a blessing though!

Thank you for all your help, I really appreciate your thoughts

I've not been faced with integration yet, as I haven't been diagnosed with anything (the councelor I'm seeing is really rather uninterested in anything besides what my mom wants her to solve ><' ) but I have thought about it alot. I think it depends on how ready you are to "absorb" - let them become you - your people (side note: I don't mean this offensively, I call my alters "The People" so that's how I refer to them). Good luck =)

no-one has the right to make you give up your coping mechanism that and your alters won't go unless they want to and if your D.I.D is a recent disagnosis then you still could have more who have yet came out ( i started off with just maria last year and another 4 have come out because they can). if your all functioning together well then i don't see why your T suggested it because normally its us that has to say were all ready for that and he should no that and not forcing you (because that in itself can trigger repressed memories in yourself and alters). i would sit down and explain to him how you feel and if he don't get use what i said in an earlier post (the body part thing).
Paula

In my experience I also hated the idea of integration, and still dislike the concept, but
it's really not as horrible as it sounds.

Your alters will still always be there, but the further you go into therapy, there will be a
'blending' that naturally occurs- you will start to pick up their traits and vice versa, memories
will be easier to access, and it will appear that you are 'integrating' but really,
everyone has parts... even people without DID.

What 'integration' means to me is the ability to access the memories of my parts and share similar
attributes of my kids.
I become more alive the more and more this blending occurs. They're still there, definitely,
but it's not as apparent to the outside world that there's a stark difference between us- the difference
is softening, we're picking up each other's traits and memories.
Blending itself it a slow gentle process. It's the processing that's the hard part, but definitely worth it.

It might sound scary especially if you completely disagree with some of the feelings and memories of your alters.

As an example, I for one completely didn't accept it. It wasn't until healing began on both sides that I began to accept
that their anger was a fractionated version of my own (they only saw and created it from the view of a child)
and the more we began to share life experiences the less scary the anger became and the more sense it all made.
Now I'm able to look at the anger and accept that it's there, and to help myself and my alter work through it.
And in that process, the anger softens, and we both realize it wasn't our fault it was there in the first place.

It's important to remember that your alters are NOT the pain, the anger, the sadness, the memories or the abuse-
they are essential parts of your being that learned different ways to cope with it.
So when blending occurs (integration seems to me an outdated concept) you're actually taking back parts of yourself
and accepting parts of yourself, not the abuse itself. You become stronger the more all work through it.
And yes, you will still have your differences, it'll just be softer, and easier to accept.

So, wait, integration will happen automatically? Well, d*mn....

We don't want to integrate not because we don't like some of the things the others think, but because we view ourselves as seperate people and really don't want to die.
I mean, Amon and I have some experience with blending, but we always unblend, and I view it as f*cking nasty. After all, when with her, I lose my restraint, my humor, me. Sure, it makes me smarter, gives me an edge, and calms me down, but it's not really me it's affecting. It's some... thing, some mishmash of two people who were never meant to share a body in the first place. Maybe you'll disagree, but I don't like the idea of that becomming permanent. And I would never want to do it with anyone else. That would feel like tainting them, almost. And besides, they're like my family. And who the heck would want to combine with their baby sisters?

Do you think that as long as we understand each other but never view each others emotions and thought processes as our own, that we'll be fine?

~RAGE

Demon Lilith wrote:So, wait, integration will happen automatically?

It happens with healing. A big part of why alters exist, is for them to keep memories and emotions separated from the one(s) who can't handle them. If the dividers that separate the memories and emotions are taken down, then alters can integrate. I don't think alters integrate, unless they're okay with it, though. If they don't want to, I don't think it'll happen against their will.