really struggling..

*Edited*

Hey Carpediem,

I don't have DID myself but my fiance does and she has PTSD as well. I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry to hear that nobody in your innercircle is giving you the attention and love and care that you need. My fiance's family acts exactly the same way as yours. I always try and comfort her by saying that I guess it's them feeling guilty and their way of coping why they act like that. To be honest I don't think there is an excuse for such behavior. Do you have close friends that you can talk to about your feelings and are there to support you?
You are not a burden. I know that's how it feels a lot of the time but you're not. It's horrible that you have to deal with all these flashbacks and have no support system. Try talking to your alters about how you feel. Make up games with them or go and do some things that you love to do just to get your mind of things. I know it's not a solution but maybe it will make the feeling a bit less.
Don't listen to your sister. This is very hard but she can't be more wrong. They're at fault and they're too afraid to admit it to themselves because it's always easier to blame someone else. You don't need her to tell you these things. You're not a burden in your family. Reality is always harder to face than putting your head in the sand. Keep your head up and stay strong. Talk to some good friends and try to surround yourself by people who have proved to you that they do care. You'll be ok!

I've had to deal with these kinds of people my whole life. And while one of my alters, TK, enjoys the thoughts of killing these people then-and-there, I hold back (Mainly to avoid incarceration), but also because I know once I'm gone, I'm GONE. I won't be coming back to see these people. And I will be successful, cause I have a job, and they don't.

For you, I'm not sure what your situation is, but with PTSD, I'd assume it was bad. I understand that. I had that for a while before I finally pulled myself through. I figured out a system, involving something very simple: Donated Blood. (Its always the simplist things that have the greatest impact). This cleared 3 things:

1. TK's bloodlust, so he wouldn't want to kill people for a while (Usually lasts 2 days).
2. I know I don't have any STD's or other diseases, cause I usually black out in violent or very sexual situations, and I'm never sure if I am actually OK until the test results come back saying "Your OK" (Calming Zack, one of my other alters down).
3. I save 3 lives, helping give material to C. Nic, my final alter, who uses it for standup gigs and auditions.

Once you have a system like mine to calm everyone down at once, you can focus on family issues, and figure out why they really are being such jerks. Worked great with my cousin and I; she's completely nuts, and snaps at me occasionally, but we get past it once I have time to figure out what set her off. Sometimes its my fault, sometimes its hers. You just gotta learn how to cope.

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No problem. Were here if you need us.

You're welcome! Anytime!

Hi Carpediem46,

I understand how you're feeling.. but im also in the transition phase here so I dont have much advice for you..but.. You're not alone.

The way your family treats you is their way of coping and its really destructive and abusive and its not fair. I also have PTSD and DID because of my parents. They act as if nothing happened though so its hard to get better, but enough about me. You need to know that what happened to you as a child was out of your control and that what you're dealing with now are the coping mechanisms that your mind came up with to help you live. It's hard to un-do the damage they've done.. I know..

You're not a burden. You're hurt and you're scared.. and your family seems to be taking the pressure and guilt off of themselves by dumping it on you. The fact that you're here, however, shows how strong you are and that you can make it through this.

You sound like such a sweet and caring person.. I know you are and it's not fair that this is happening to you.

I'm so glad to hear that you have a therapist that understands you and helps because it's real hell without one.

I still feel like a burden to my family, to the world.. but i think that's something you and i will always feel until we can prove to ourselves that we're worth something.

This wont sound like much, i know, but I DO understand and give you my support. If you need to talk.. you can come to me

Something else that may help.. is the idea that you can almost rebuild your family.. because your parents are sometimes just biological parents. You don't choose them. But you can choose and find good friends and they can become a loving family for you and make up for what you never had.

You have to be very careful though (this is a big struggle for me) do not to try and look for new parents.. ( i know that sounds almost contradictory to what i just said .. im sorry) You may not have a problem with this, but even though im now 20.. i look for substitute parents in authority figures and supportive adults. its really bad and isn't fair to them because its not their responsibility.

I'm really off topic here..ahh, im sorry.

Nathan really wants to talk, but I'm hesitant to let him do so.. thats why we/I'm not making much sense right now.

Anyways, you're a beautiful person. i'm happy that you're looking for help, keep your chin up things will get better.

You might find that you will develop or maybe you already have an alter who represents your mum.. and the way she treated you. or maybe one of your alters treats another the way your mum treated you. Or you will treat one of your alters the way you were treated. If you experience this.. you need to do one thing: be compassionate to them all. Because thats your way of fighting your mum/family. Its an internal battle, but you need to forgive them so you can move on, and your alters are part of you, so you need to love them..

i've probably said too much about things that aren't even relevant.. so i'm sorry for that.

I hope that at least one of these sentences that i've written will prove to be helpful to you.

I wish you the best of luck and I pray for you.

<3 take care.
-gloria (with nathan on the border).

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Bless you Carpediem46, It's extremely hard for people to understand how you are, even if you explain it several times to them, because really, they have no idea. I'm 100% sure there's people in your life that care for you with all their heart and want to learn everything about you. I too have felt very lonely throughout my life. Has your mum seen your posts here? I think it would be a GREAT help to her if you was to show her, maybe then she would understand just how serious you are with all this. I know there's people out there that won't give up on you, there is someone for everyone, if people really care they will show it, but give them sometime to prove it. I know this website has helped me so much with learning about people, disorders and mentalities, etc etc. I promise you, there are people out there that will want to learn all they can about you and not give up. You have to understand aswell, it's very hard for other people to understand whats going on in your mind.... I wish you all the best with everything, please don't hesitate to PM me about anything if you want to talk x

Carpediem46, are you still living with your family of origin? Many of us have families who use denial to cope with any and all challenges in life. When the dependency on denial is severe, these families create an invalidating environment that can cause psychological harm to children. An important book that explores this is Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder by Dr. Marsha Linehan, the developer of dialectical behavior therapy.