New to this

I think I have dissociative disease of some kind, but of course this was only from a suggestion by my parents and a therapist who I have been seeing. I pretty much have denied it. I have behavior that is very erratic and contradictory, and has shocked my family members. The only reason why I have considered this is because I have had a traumatic childhood, that for a majority of my life I had forgetten but memories have flooded back and odd behavior has come about. I thought that people with DID had no recollection of the shift in personalities. I remember some, although I cant be sure of all.
For example, I have acted very sexual and almost demonic that it scared my boyfriend, and I remember experiencing it, but I really cant explain the behavior. At that moment, my boyfriend, didnt know who I was and I assured him, that I was myself and that he is delusional to think that I was anyone different and at that time I felt like myself, but looking back, I really dont know who that was. Often there has to be a trigger for any extreme shift.
I dont have names for these because I feel myself at the time, but afterwards, when I calm down, I regret what I have done and cant explain the behavior at all. I dont think I dress differently at all, mainly because I dont have an extensive wardrobe, or time to change my outfit.
One episode was when I reverted to my child personality, and was highly fearful of men and couldnt talk barely at all. Instead, I kept hiding by women. This happened while I was studying abroad. I thought it was PTSD, because the thoughts and feeling, and behaviors were there.
I dont think I have alot of alters, or if I have any at all. The most extreme is my child self. I dont want to exaggerate this but, I do have memory lapses, alot of times. People telling me of something and having no recollection of.
To me they are not alters, I think its natural to behave differently when with parents and friends, but if people are so shocked of my behavior shifts, then maybe I do have the disorder. I just dont want to confirm it, because Im relatively young and still figuring out my own identity and I dont want to go through a maze of alters

Sounds a little like it though of course I barely know anything about it.

Is their any indication that it might also be socially related, triggered by your peers?

yes it is socially related, the biggest upsets or shifts mainly had to do with confrontations or close relationships. Yet my family have been considered for a while. I honestly dont think I have DID or if it is, not full blown. I do know that its very hard for me to create any type of intimate relationships even with family. i honestly do try, but I always feel there is a wall. I have dissociated myself so much, that its hard to be intimate without being sucked into my own past.

Like for example I had an argument with my boyfriend, and he decided to lock himself in the room, and I pounded on the door, and started crying. I felt as if I was little child again. My boyfriend thought I was overreacting because I cried hysterically, obviously him "neglecting" me reminded me of my childhood. Of course, my personality didnt change, but I felt as if I was in the same situation like my past.

I think people may think I have MID because I can react so differently but the difference for me, is that I purposefully create different persona. I just didnt realize how different they were, that often times it may scare people. I try to be what I think people want of me. I bottle myself so much, that when I my deep internal thoughts come in, they sound from a different person. Like my voice changes to a little girl, whenever I feel abandoned or neglected by someone and I feel as if I am.

There is also a very hidden and evil side to me, I guess. vindictive. I try to hide these feelings, but instead it can consume me, and my face, voice, tone, and facial expressions change, its like its someone else,
of course I only know that these changes occur because of the way some people have reacted to me, and have told me how frightened they are of me.

I guess I have tried so long to be someone else, and have dissociated myself from my own feelings, I cant integrate myself into one person. I think if I continue with my behavior it could get worse, but its not severe as others.

See, that's the thing about DID. Doctors and scientists claim they know things about DID, and while they do have some knowledge from studies and research, they really are only aware of the tip of the iceberg. From my experience, DID is such a varied thing and it can mean different things to different people and people can have vastly differing, even opposing symptoms from each other. Also, DID is a reaction to trauma, most often childhood trauma, however it is not a measure of the severity of said trauma. Many people who go through extreme experience don't dissociate. Since we are all individuals with different histories and different minds, it makes sense that our conditions of DID would be so different.

Anyways, now to the point. You may have dissociated from your emotions, but that does not mean they have formed entities or alters. To be honest, it really depends what YOU want, yes you, to direct how you should proceed. If you want to be a whole, or not have alters, then proceed that way. What is necessary, is to be able to talk to someone, preferably someone with psychiatric background, but definitely someone whom you feel comfortable with. The only way to get these emotions back is to deal with them.

What you've described sounds like DID to me, but it sounds like you have not really defined separate entities in your mind, which is fine, because alters always serve a purpose, and here are two ways in which they serve that purpose: alters store away memories and feelings you can't take at the time. Second: alters are designed to react in certain ways to certain situations. So, say, a violent alter would be designed to attack when you felt threatened. It sounds like you have the first kind, but you are not at the level of dissociation where you have defined them as alters, which is perfectly fine. They are all parts of you, however you choose to define them. And if you desire, integrating is very possible. It sounds like you have a lot to say, and that is wonderful, talking to others helps a lot, by getting it off your own chest.

Bottom line, communicate your feelings. I'd suggest a psychiatrist or something like that, make sure you feel comfortable with them.

Also, if you want to message me anytime, I'd be happy to talk with you. Under my picture and username, there is contact information.

Also, I forgot one thing. About finding your identity, I completely understand, alters can make a singular identity very difficult, however in your situation, it sounds as if your "parts" are parts of yourself, and I bet if you talk to a therapist or someone, you'll be able to feel whole, and stop dissociating if that is what you want. Also, if you are able to work through the trauma that causes some of these episodes, they will go away.

It's individual to people, like I said before. But what you should know, is you are in charge here, you get to define your own identity.

Thank you for your advice. I am seeing a therapist, he was the one who mentioned this to me, but I definelty feel I should go into it more on my next visit. I think the hardest thing for me is to "be myself" because for so long I have fooled so many people into something Im not, just to get what I want, and now that my family is more aware of my other behaviors, its hard to create that.
Im not heavily fixed on DID as a disease I may have, but am more interested in integration, and am afraid, to get sucked into my alters and discover more. I honestly just want to find my core identity. I respect those who wish to seek further, if that is what they feel is best, but for me, I just want to feel whole, as one.