I don't believe it! But wonder if it could be true.

Hello, this is my first post to this forum..

I've been seeing a tdoc who thinks I have BP and OCD, and possible dx of dissociative disorder.

When she said dissociative disorder, I about crapped my pants. I though, ridiculous. But I've been thinking lately and wonder if it could be true. Not for the reasons she thought - she said it because I mentioned I had outer body experiences-- as in astral projection-- since the age of 10. I wonder it for other reasons.

First off, I'm a writer. I've always enjoyed making up characters, putting on plays, etc since very young. When I write, I get very caught up in my characters, and, sometimes, feel like I'm channeling them - that they are real and telling me about their lives, who they are, what they do or say - so I get it right.

I often times feel them - if that makes any sense - can feel them inside my body looking out of my eyes, using my hands and legs .I never lose time or memory, though, and am always aware that it is happening. I just always have felt that it helps me know them better allowing them to do this.

But when I think about it, I have to admit that I have always felt that I had a male side to my female side. I once spent a year and half thinking I was a male trapped in a female body. I am not gay - love guys. If I was physically a male, I'd be gay. But sometimes, I walk around feeling like I'm a male. And it's different from when I'm feeling female - like two seprate identities - if that makes sense.

When I'm hypomanic is when I'm the most creative; it's when I write the most feverishly. Hence, it's when I have most of these experiences with my characters.

The other day I was in feeling the hypo magic and all of a sudden I felt like I had two parts to me - the male and female part - both distinct individuals who live inside me. I had this overwhelming sense that this male part looks out for my female part, even though he is the one who gets suicidal, depressed. She may be the one who gets reckless and drives down roads at high rates of speed. Not sure which one has visions of doing the swan dive off the bridge - maybe that's just me- but that’s another story.

The thing is, when I felt him inside me looking out of my eyes, she was outside of me because he was looking at her, and visa versa. Maybe it was just a BP delusion.

I feel like an idiot even mentioning this. I mean, I've always had these types of feelings and thoughts - but they're things I've always thought it best to keep to myself - lest I be labeled a lunatic.

But sitting here now, if I ponder it, I think it's true. I think I do have an alter male and female counterpart. I have not told my tdoc this.

I've felt it off and on for years and have always chalked it up to my overactive imagination and joy of creating characters - my way of being creative, my way of being able to write convincingly about both female and male characters - a gift. It's also helped me look at the world in a unique way.

Not sure if this would be considered DID, or if it’s just part of my BP madness. Thanks for any insight.

Dear Humanchild,

I have come across this problem in my own life before, so what I have to say may be of some use to you.
I started not knowing anything about DID (I have not been diagnosed so I may not even have DID but anyway...), I am a writer/artist and create stories. What you said about the characters becomeing obsessive and feeling like they're 'seeing' through your eyes, it feels so true for me as well. You probably know what I mean when I say 'I only know what they want to tell me about them'. I can't just 'make it up' because it wouldn't be right.
I have one character in particular - Kane - who is really dominant, and I used to think how odd it was that he was male yet I was not.
I found a link to something called the ANIMA archetype through a Japanese videogame, and researched it on the net. The Anima is, for a man, the feminine completion of his soul, and in Freudian theory, some men have a distinct 'entity' of a woman inside them which is the 'other side' of their soul. Then - more interestingly - for a woman, they have the ANIMUS, the male completion of their soul, a male entity that complements their feminine side. The form of the Animus also varies from person to person - can be anything from a dwarf to a Prince, to an old man, a teenager or a 'dark figure', depending on the person. The Animus can be more strongly present in some women than others, and often can seem to 'take over'.
This helped me understand a bit more why Kane was the one who stood out most in my stories, I hope this Animus theory will help you with your characters! You can research more into Freudian archetypes if you want, it's quite easy to find on Google. Also, does your male side have a separate name at all?
I'm not really sure if it's part of DID or not - I'm still working up the confidence to go to a therapist and get a proper analysis. I hope this is of help,
Love and hugs,
Harri
x x x

For most of my life I didn't think I had DID. I used to believe that I just created these characters inside and then I could be them instead of being me. I thought that I was just going into my fantasy world as I called it. But after worrking with a therapist I finally came to the conclusion that I did have DID.

I was in therapy for a good many years and now I had to admit that I did have DID. I could no longer speak or thingk of it as me just going to my fantasy world. I did have at least one or two male alters too....which felt odd.

After being in therapy for many years I am just about all integrated. However, I realize that many people do not wish to be integrated for their own reasons....and I respect that.

I hope this helps you a little.
Kathy

Hey, guys, thanks for the responses. Would like to respond to both of you.

To harri,

-You probably know what I mean when I say 'I only know what they want to tell me about them'. I can't just 'make it up' because it wouldn't be right.-

harri, I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes, my husband will ask me something about a character and I will have to say, ‘I don’t know. He/she hasn’t revealed that to me.”

The ANIMA and Animus info very interesting.
If it is true, and I do have a male alter, I don’t know what his name is. I do know that he feels to stay the same age even though I grow older. He’s probably somewhere in his early to mid twenties. Also, at the risk of sounding completely bizarre, I said yesterday that I thought my female part was the one who drove erratically down winding roads at high rates of speed – but it’s him. I feel him being suicidal in me, and his self–destructive impulses. I feel him being compelled towards reckless behavior at times.

Feels silly saying it. Maybe I just can’t handle what I feel– so I project it onto fantasy characters. Who knows. But, I do know that I have felt what I have said.

I go see my tdoc today. I don’t know if I’m going to mention any of this or not. But, if it’s true, it helps explain some of what I have been feeling and dealing with for years.


Kathy,
I can relate to what you say also.

-I used to believe that I just created these characters inside and then I could be them instead of being me.-

I’ve have thought that, too. I think that’s why I started writing and making up and pretending to be other characters from such an early age. It was like a form of an escape, yet, at the same time, something so enjoyable and thrilling that I would do it regardless of the best life, regardless of anything.

Being new to all this, I’m not sure what integrated means. But, if it had the potential to zap my creativity or make me see the world differently, don’t want it.

Can you, or anyone, explain what integrated means and what the pros and cons of it are? I can understand that if someone is losing time and memory – they would want something done. But that doesn’t happen to me.

Once again, thanks for the responses.