I'd just like to talk to someone

Ctrl Alt Del wrote:How do others communicate?

If talking is a problem, you could write in a journal... leave one in your room, use an internal journal, an online one, or save one on your computer... or send emails back and forth.

How long have you known you have DID? How did you find out?

I don't necessarily think I have full on DID. I dissociate and hear my others, but I don't think it reaches the level of that diagnosis. More like DDNOS, I'd say. They're just too atypical to be considered actual alters, but they do exist, and they do affect me in ways a DID person's alters would.

But anyway, I 'discovered' dissociation when I did a school project on it, and though I knew I wasn't DID, a lot of things sounded really familiar. Soon the chatter I'd always heard in my head but never really thought much of became very clear, and over about a year and a half I gathered information about my parts.

Do they speak out loud or do you hear them in your head?

None of mine will speak yet. Sometimes I hear things in my head telling me to crash and get it all over with. I would never think like that though. Do they tell you their names? That sounds pretty much like DID to me if they have names and personalities. Do you loose time?

Only in my head. It's actually hard to distinguish their thoughts from mine sometimes, and occasionally they overlap. It's a bit confusing, haha. Sometimes, randomly, I'll lose communication with them and eventually think I made all of them up...until I'll very clearly hear someone say "You can't just forget about all of us in here." and the whole thing will start all over again. :/

It took me several months to figure out all of their names and information, but I did eventually get it all. They were always adamant about there being 7 of them, so that was helpful to know right off the bat. I lose time only very rarely, and amnesia is by far my mildest symptom, and because I never seem to experience their total hijacking of the body, I don't think I'm really DID. It's a confusing place on the spectrum to be at, though.

Hi Cad,

I relate to being at a similar confusing place on the "dissociative spectrum", (DDNOS) it makes denial very easy!

i used to think i had lack of willpower and ADD to try to explain things lol, which also struck me as odd, cause i saw myself as having a lot of willpower... and thought it must be a false belief about myself, but i've realised its not false, its just willpower over yourself is not the same as fighting with another part of you, that depends who is more in control! lol. the idea there was more than one part of me conscious scared me, it still seems a little strange. so even after i'd mapped out what was going on inside, i'd shut things out and go into denial. i think part of it wasn't helped by being encouraged by professionals to try to merge fragmentation gradually, which doesn't seem to work for me, i seem to integrate one part at a time when their issues - or mine, have been resolved so it happens naturally/by their choice... ? im guessing that's the difference between real permanent integration and forced integration ??

I didn't know numbers or anything straight away, i thought i was doing "inner child work" all i know is i was the only one who didn't know. i thought it was odd when i found there was more than one...! i've also found some turn out to be "hiding behind" others parts protecting them.

amnesia is also not the biggest problem for me cause i'm always there even if i'm not fully in control. memories seem closer or further away, so sometimes things are hard to retrieve, - tho there is a lot of amnesia in my childhood, i don't get big blank spots or something, just more tricky to "connect the dots" than it probably is without the dissociation.

the first thing i've found helpful is co-operation! i also found it takes time to gain trust. and that i believed less "hijacking" went on than actually did - what felt normal to me i assumed was just normal, and never paid much attention, except feeling frustrated and unhappy that i felt like i sometimes couldn't control my own actions or follow through as things changed. i wouldn't describe it as hijacking tho unless any part of me was doing something to try to destroy my life/relationships which has happened before, but doesn't happen like that any more now i've accepted nothing gets forced on anyone. i've gone from "why can't i do what i want to?"" to "nothing will happen until all parts of me who are involved are ok with it." denial = being bounced around in all sorts of ways.

...could be described as "learning to be a host not a ping pong ball" !

communication is a little tricky here - because i messed up when i was in my teens and got told i was psychotic, communicating with word-like thoughts freaks me out, so have settled on feelings and visualisation which i can do without feeling like im crazy. mapping system matches up perfectly with issues, helping alters helps resolve issues and retrieve childhood memories... logically it seems to point to Dissociative disorder. been told i have fragmentation/dissociation, and that i am not bipolar or psychotic.

im not around much atm cause im very busy until the end of the week but i should be around after that if you'd like to chat can PM me any time.

Katana, you are my new role model! I so want to get to where you are now. Could you say more about what your integrations are like?