DID vs "ego states" confused, please help!

Edit: Sorry everyone!! this is no longer a "please help me" post - im ok. ive dealt with it in my own way.

Ok... sorry about the massive DENIAL last time i posted. lol i think i was clear on some things, but was blocking other questions because i was in denial and now have spent the last couple of days in some sort of state of shock and dont know what to make of things, but am a little clearer on some of it. so here goes:

can anyone describe the difference between how it feels to have DID and "ego states" ?

im not sure because with "ego states" would this mean your "alters" dont exist when you are not them ? im pretty sure mine are there in the background. their feelings come through when i am not them and i experience their feelings as emotional flashbacks, but understand what i feel doesn't make sense, and sometimes have been annoyed im getting these feelings thrown at me that make no sense cause its not how i feel about something! if i "am them", i experience the feelings as my own, along with the thoughts that go with them. i've asked 2 others to calm down one of my child ?alters? when they're upset, and it worked. or is it possible to have "ego states" at the same time as all those states being present, but just subconscious unless you are in or connected to that state?

how does it feel to be out of control of your body?

im never 100% not in control - i dont feel like my body is out of control like a puppet on strings, but sometimes i dont feel like i have total control over my self.

for example one of my ?alters? is trying to stop me from relating to anyone else genuinely.

T*** is:

making me talk in negatives, only letting me talk about what i dont like and not what i do (momentary control)
also making me say things that make no sense and i didn't mean to say
not letting me contact people (difficult to explain how this works, its like i want to do something, decide to, and dont.)
feeling irrational panic when faced with intimacy (its not my feeling, i am afraid of intimacy, but not THAT afraid.)
has given up on living so tries to stop me getting on with my life (again, deciding to do something and it doesn't happen.)
is suicidally depressed and is trying to make me kill myself.

i know this isn't just T's feelings, its acting out too -T is also manipulative, passive-agressive, and cannot trust anyone.
(the worst of this is that T is about 6. help! im being controlled by a sadistic child!! )

weird stuff:

my heater got switched off twice - i thought it had broken or something, but then i realised someone had turned the dial round... so i guessed id done it in my sleep... happened twice.
then the other morning my alarm went off and i went for the alarm clock... and realised someone had set my phone alarm (and it wasnt me, i couldnt find my phone for 2 days)
loads of times in the past ive woken up and then been told id already had a conversation with someone that day, but hadn't woken up yet (could just be talking in my sleep) ?
before i wake up feeling terrified, i usually "hear" voices - but not like im dreaming, like "sound/thought" that penetrates my entire consciousness. sometimes i catch whats said, sometimes not but its always unexpected and sudden.

so this could just be due to other problems i have, or it could be that when im awake no one can take control fully, but maybe thats not the case when im asleep ?

occasionally ive had very brief blanks, but these could be explained as dissociation but not necessarily DID.
---

What it feels like to me, is that i am me... and i am made up of these different people, who are all me. if someone asks me to describe myself, if im allowed to describe myself in those separate pieces then i have a really strong sense of identity, otherwise im just confused (mimics BPD lack of sense of self). issues like the push-pull thing correspond to different issues ?alters? have, makes sense of everything. youngest child ?alter? seems to have merged with me about 2 weeks ago after she felt OK (shortly after that, my other child ?alter? started getting upset and acting out.).

so there are 2 things im thinking - DDNOS with "ego states" or DID with "fragmented personalities" instead of full alters. ?

i might be biased... because i have control issues (over other people trying to control me) so the idea of having full DID really scares me.

if its at all helpful, i have bits missing i cant remember from my childhood, and stuff i can remember 1st person but feel more comfy remembering like im watching, but never did any fancy $#%^ like floating on the ceiling or anything. the flashbacks i got were all 1st person perspective.

ive been quite "off" for the last few days, "magical thinking", paranoia, lots of rapid switches between versions... the "voices" ive "heard" while half-awake half-asleep... this stuff isn't new, so its not hypochondria, but i might just be slightly psychotic ?

i know you can't dx me but please tell me if there's anything you relate to/don't relate to, just having a hard time with this.

So sorry about the long post

Your best bet is trying to keep a record of things as you notice them and bring all that to your therapist. DID doesn't mean each personality has to be individually complete. Many folks with DID have "partials" or simplified alters that focus on one particular task or emotion.

In my understanding, Ego States are simply the natural way most people develop. When a trauma forces that development earlier than a person is able, that is when the potential for DID exists. Typically when someone experiences trauma, they go into a fight or flight - or "survival mode." When the trauma is too much to cope with, then they Dissociate. When that trauma is ongoing, then dissociating becomes the primary coping method and that can lead to the separation of part of yourself to cope with the trauma.

Hi seanetal,

Thanks for the reply i'll do that - i guess the more they know the more info it gives them to work with.

i think the thing to do with ego states is some sort of problem with ego states not working as they should ?

the DID thing... i dont know - as i explained in a previous post, i dont get supplanted by alters, and i dont think they are "full alters" (everything weird that happens seems to happen on the verge of sleep, the rest of it comes as thought/feelings/sensing their presence, - and me just changing.) but they are definitely attached to certain emotions and past issues. either way, its me that changes, but its still me. i do come in different versions, and they do all exist within me when im not them - not dissappear. - but they are all me - i identify as them being parts of me and so do they. i guess it doesn't matter exactly "what" it is, its more important that i know - having accepted what is going on i think knowing can be really helpful. - i panicked, but i dont need to - it doesn't change me, it doesn't change anything except what i know about myself, and potentially my ability to cope and heal, which can only be a good thing.

Hi, katana I'm sorry about the late reply.

katana wrote:im not sure because with "ego states" would this mean your "alters" dont exist when you are not them ?

I've been doing more research on it, and I think that's right. I think with ego states, it's just a separation in how you act in different situations. For instance, you find a toy you used to play with as a kid, and it makes you (as an adult) act like a kid again... or being around old friends from high school, and acting like a teen again... or acting more mature and sophisticated at work, than you do at home with your spouse.

I'm also seeing "ego-states" being used as another term for alters, which is confusing me Maybe they aren't using the correct term, there...?

katana wrote:i've asked 2 others to calm down one of my child ?alters? when they're upset, and it worked.

Like they did it on their own? I'm not sure that would be possible to do with ego-states. Having someone else take care of the child, sounds more separate from you than just another side of yourself.

katana wrote:how does it feel to be out of control of your body?

It's like... your body isn't listening to you My mouth will be saying things that I don't want to say, and I can't stop it. And the things that are coming out of my mouth can catch me by surprise (because I wasn't even thinking about saying it). I try to do something, but my body isn't responding to me at all, and is doing things I'm not telling it to do. It's not just like not being able to stop yourself, when you get carried away with something... it's actually not having control. It is possible for alters to sometimes only be in control of a certain part of the body (like the hands), while you're in control of the rest... but yeah

katana wrote:making me talk in negatives, only letting me talk about what i dont like and not what i do (momentary control)
also making me say things that make no sense and i didn't mean to say

Could you explain how T makes you do/not do things?

katana wrote:has given up on living so tries to stop me getting on with my life

You're talking about T like a separate person. Is T the same way (panicky, suicidal, manipulative, etc.), even when you're not being T?

Regarding the weird stuff, it is possible that you're sleep-walking/talking, but alters do tend to come out more while hosts sleep. Things (your phone) going missing sounds familiar, too

katana wrote:ive been quite "off" for the last few days, "magical thinking", paranoia

Have you ever told a therapist about it? There could be a few different reasons for that. Psychosis doesn't really rule anything out (you can have more than one disorder), but it would probably be a good idea to have it checked out.

canolime wrote:Hi, katana I'm sorry about the late reply.

that's OK - thanks for the reply, & for finding out about the ego states thing. i guess the idea might be getting stuck in ego states instead of moving between them, and having different issues & personality traits attached to different ego states.

...why do i let myself post personal stuff :/ lol oh well, sorry sorry sorry. i went crazy. pmsl.

canolime wrote:

katana wrote:i've asked 2 others to calm down one of my child ?alters? when they're upset, and it worked.

Like they did it on their own? I'm not sure that would be possible to do with ego-states. Having someone else take care of the child, sounds more separate from you than just another side of yourself.

yeah, pretty much, i asked, because the feelings were making me feel crazy, and it helped - weird. placebo effect? subconscious? - yep sounds separate, felt separate, but most people with DID get supplanted by their alters, not become them, right ? i dont know... im confused. ugh ????????? lol

or just if an "inner child" takes over your feelings, and an alter takes over you, is there a sliding scale somewhere between? maybe i have some alter-ish inner children put together with ego states not working like theyre supposed to? i dont know!

right now i feel like deleting all those posts.

canolime wrote:

katana wrote:how does it feel to be out of control of your body?

It's like... your body isn't listening to you My mouth will be saying things that I don't want to say, and I can't stop it. And the things that are coming out of my mouth can catch me by surprise (because I wasn't even thinking about saying it). I try to do something, but my body isn't responding to me at all, and is doing things I'm not telling it to do. It's not just like not being able to stop yourself, when you get carried away with something... it's actually not having control. It is possible for alters to sometimes only be in control of a certain part of the body (like the hands), while you're in control of the rest... but yeah

i say stuff i don't want to and didn't mean to say, but i dont get anything that extreme. i do often feel like my feelings are being controlled by a part of me that isn't me, and that the feelings are not mine, and dont make sense but i think this is possible with non DID emotional flashbacks too.

canolime wrote:

katana wrote:making me talk in negatives, only letting me talk about what i dont like and not what i do (momentary control)
also making me say things that make no sense and i didn't mean to say

Could you explain how T makes you do/not do things?

er... no! i cant, it just happens, and then i think why did i just say that! lol. ...or maybe it was all in my head....

canolime wrote:

katana wrote:has given up on living so tries to stop me getting on with my life

You're talking about T like a separate person. Is T the same way (panicky, suicidal, manipulative, etc.), even when you're not being T?

I guess T is "separate" - T is an inner child, whether that's an inner child in the alter sense or the non alter sense, i dont know.

last week i would have written: "i was trying to cheer T up and (emotionally) treat the kid like they deserved to be treated. when i do this sometimes T cheers up a bit. before this T would mostly hide." ...im reading this back and thinking i sound crazy. lol

canolime wrote:Regarding the weird stuff, it is possible that you're sleep-walking/talking, but alters do tend to come out more while hosts sleep. Things (your phone) going missing sounds familiar, too

I used to be great at losing my car keys lol is it possible alters can only come out properly ONLY when the host is asleep?

canolime wrote:

katana wrote:ive been quite "off" for the last few days, "magical thinking", paranoia

Have you ever told a therapist about it? There could be a few different reasons for that. Psychosis doesn't really rule anything out (you can have more than one disorder), but it would probably be a good idea to have it checked out.

UK... NHS... LOL. I dont get a therapist (or anything). i get a waiting list... im not sure what its supposed to do, its really not helping so far I will do when i get one tho.

thanks! i guess i will find out when i talk to a therapist... or just confuse them. lol im not sure it matters either way really, as long as stuff is helping and not doing any harm. i think i need to be more careful with trying self-help stuff tho.

Update...

I think its some sort of DID-like DDNOS, somewhere part way in between "having an inner child" and having full-blown DID. I think all versions of me accept this now. lol sorry about the conflicted messages and confusing changes.

Working through issues one of us had solved the problems those issues were causing and ended in her choosing to integrate... Her issues were very trauma-based, and I thought it would just go something like this all the way through, but I've begun to realise for others it might be all sorts from PTSD-type issues to resolving "disordered thinking" that prevents them accepting the others, to ...anything.

Going for an assessment this week... Is there any way of making sure its me who gets to talk to them? Some versions would just "play with" them instead.

hi Katana,

I guess what you'll be looking for is grounding skills to keep 'you' in control and talking to the professionals... I find that aggreing to let the others say what they want but through me sometimes helps, as does physical pain. I know its not optimal, but i kinda found that one out by mistake...I was biting a piece of loose skin off my lip once and trying to fight an insider coming out at the same time, when it tore my lip a tiny but and hurt a tiny bit i found out 'i' was much more in 'control' and able to fight her off better... I know it's probably a bad thing to fight them but sometimes its about my safety more than her being heard in that very second... I still conveyed what she wanted and she was ok with that once she felt 'heard'...

Short of that i guess you can try all the 'normal' grounding techniques like:
holding something soft/hard/ prickly
eating something
smelling something
taking your shoes and sox off to feel the floor

there are more but i can't really remember them atm haha

hope they help you
H.

Thanks! That makes sense... physical pain does actually help lessen the dissociation. not sure why i haven't thought of that... i get the bare feet thing too, one reason i like walking on the beach at low tide I didn't really know about "grounding techniques", but hopefully those should really help. the one state i want to avoid is dissociating all parts out except the "bad" ones, and I'm likely to feel threatened cause I find it hard to disclose to professionals (which usually makes that happen), so hopefully those tips will really help!

On our first appointment with our therapist we wrote him a letter to make sure that everything that needed to be said got said. That way, those of us who wanted his help only needed to be strong enough to stick around long enough to hand him the letter. Otherwise the ones who wanted to mess with him would have just taken over instead...

That's a good idea - I did wrote an email and sent it to my phone the first time i went to see my GP, the second time i didnt think i needed to use the email so she only got 1 side of the story

anyway, i managed it - i went as L****** so that was all good, everything got said from a nice level-headed point of view, and managed to warn her about the difficult versions! i was lucky, she turned out to have a lot of experience with trauma... i feel so relieved and so much less "crazy", i felt like maybe i was being an idiot or making it up for some reason, but it seemed to make sense with what she has heard before, and since it all came from the inside it was a big relief cause i know i cant have made it up since i didn't know much about it until recently. she doesn't want to jump to any conclusions, but said there is definitely some fragmentation/dissociation there and it came across very DID-like.

its not only me who has "difficult" versions then. i know you need to learn to love & accept all your alters but its hard when some really drive me up the wall sometimes!