Wow, a new dimension of "spacing out"

Can anyone relate? This whole week has been rough..I feel real and present on and off, but even when I do I just can not process anything. In conversations, I feel like I am present, but it is impossible to focus and pay attention. I haven't ever experienced this before- usually i have memory lapses and I'm in and out of the talking. And its difficult, because I feel like I'm present, but I have that deja-vu/"not sure if i was just thinking about saying something" sensation constantly. I use lots of mental energy just trying to keep myself in reality. I hate to throw this on other people, but venting a bit seems to help me organize things in my spaced out head haha!

Oh this too- I think I'm in denial about having this disorder. I decided I would chant to myself "I do not have D.I.D., the alters do not exist" Wow I had a splitting headache after doing that! All the different ones for different ones would throb on and off. sorry guys.

Hi. It's pretty common to get an intense headache when you do something that another alter doesn't agree with. So maybe you do have alters and they are trying to tell you something

It is pretty natural to want to deny having DID. It's a pretty hard truth to accept just because of knowing that trauma and abuse causes it. And also it is an alters job to protect you from that truth. If you do have it, you will have the strength to accept it when you're ready.

All the best.

Yeah, I get that. A few weeks ago, I was spacing out so many times a day, it was ridiculous. And I couldn't concentrate or really even think about anything... that's always fun It's happened many times before.

walden wrote:Oh this too- I think I'm in denial about having this disorder. I decided I would chant to myself "I do not have D.I.D., the alters do not exist" Wow I had a splitting headache after doing that! All the different ones for different ones would throb on and off. sorry guys.

They do that to me, too, when I do something they don't like salted lipstick is right... that sounds like a good sign of them actually existing.

canolime wrote:They do that to me, too, when I do something they don't like salted lipstick is right... that sounds like a good sign of them actually existing.

I hear them constantly, and often times whilst I am having a conversation with someone, they are in the background talking to me about what they are saying. (I never say "whilst" btw, but someone in there likes to talk like a ruffian from london)

canolime wrote:Yeah, I get that. A few weeks ago, I was spacing out so many times a day, it was ridiculous. And I couldn't concentrate or really even think about anything... that's always fun It's happened many times before.

Yeah that gets old real quick doesn't it! I find myself saying things twice alot..It is hard to tell what I just imagined saying and what I actually said. People have been noticing it i think. I have learned that when I am trying to figure that out, if it seems foggy and blurred, I actually said it. Or someone said it. Gosh, that is dizzying to write!

salted lipstick wrote:It is pretty natural to want to deny having DID.

I am afraid, to put it bluntly. I finally scheduled an appt with my psych. I've told him, a bit in the past, but I'm ready to lay it all out. I know I'll be totally disconnected when I do though. When my bipolar disorder emerged, the worst 2 years of my life ensued. I am afraid to go thru years of terribleness again. Will that happen?? its ok to lie to me k?

walden wrote:

salted lipstick wrote:It is pretty natural to want to deny having DID.

I am afraid, to put it bluntly. I finally scheduled an appt with my psych. I've told him, a bit in the past, but I'm ready to lay it all out. I know I'll be totally disconnected when I do though. When my bipolar disorder emerged, the worst 2 years of my life ensued. I am afraid to go thru years of terribleness again. Will that happen?? its ok to lie to me k?

It is normal to be afraid. I was certainly afraid.

One thing we did to help us in the first appointment with our therapist was we had written a letter to him that included everything we wanted to say, this helped because otherwise we would have ended up being so disconnected that we would have forgotten what we came to talk about. Perhaps you can try something similar if you are worried? Also don't feel like you have to expose your entire life history in one hit or anything. You can say more as you start to develop more trust in your therapist. It might just be a helpful start to mention that you are thinking you have DID (list the reasons why) and take it slowly from there. I think ultimately that you will have some tough times (I'm not gonna lie to you) but that overall you will find that by acknowledging and working on your DID and communicating with your others, that you will start to experience life better than you ever have before. DID is one of the few conditions where you are likely to see a dramatic improvement in your life if you start to acknowledge and work with your others. So overall, it is an extremely positive step that you are taking!

salted lipstick wrote:One thing we did to help us in the first appointment with our therapist was we had written a letter to him that included everything we wanted to say...

I think I will do that! it is frustrating to realize important observations and what-not were bot discussed.

salted lipstick wrote:DID is one of the few conditions where you are likely to see a dramatic improvement in your life if you start to acknowledge and work with your others. So overall, it is an extremely positive step that you are taking!

Feels good to hear that

I think none of what I have been experiencing is really new..Just much more pronounced now. It seems like the voices aren't new either, just that lately they have become separated from "me". In the past it seems like the voices were just part of my thought process. I wonder if I just adapted as a child, and now all that has unraveled?

Anyone have anything similar?

walden wrote:(I never say "whilst" btw, but someone in there likes to talk like a ruffian from london)

I use words that I wouldn't normally use, too

walden wrote:Yeah that gets old real quick doesn't it! I find myself saying things twice alot..It is hard to tell what I just imagined saying and what I actually said. People have been noticing it i think. I have learned that when I am trying to figure that out, if it seems foggy and blurred, I actually said it. Or someone said it. Gosh, that is dizzying to write!

Yeah, it does. I just want to put the world on pause, until I get over it You just have to wait it out... it should go away, eventually.

walden wrote:It seems like the voices aren't new either, just that lately they have become separated from "me". In the past it seems like the voices were just part of my thought process. I wonder if I just adapted as a child, and now all that has unraveled?

Maybe it's just that you can now recognize when they're talking? I mean, now you pay attention more, and have gotten to know how each of them sound, instead of ignoring it or passing it off as your own thoughts.

canolime wrote:Maybe it's just that you can now recognize when they're talking? I mean, now you pay attention more, and have gotten to know how each of them sound, instead of ignoring it or passing it off as your own thoughts.

I think you're right..people don't usually have a back and forth between different voices in their head do they? Thats how much of my thinking workings now.

Canolime, thats interesting you mentioned that...I have had lots of thoughts where I didn't think it was me, that I just took in stride. Do you have an example of what that is like for you? Thanks!

The other day, I was walking down a corridor to my office at work when a man I work greeted me when we passed. A tough male voice in my head said "The name is Rach" (pronounced like Rachel, but without the "el"). It really startled me. I tried to convince myself its just my mind playing tricks, but I don't think thats truly the case.

canolime wrote:eah, it does. I just want to put the world on pause, until I get over it You just have to wait it out... it should go away, eventually.

Good to know, thanks

walden wrote:I think you're right..people don't usually have a back and forth between different voices in their head do they?

I don't think so, but I'm probably not the best person to ask My friend says his head is completely quiet The only time my head was ever quiet was when my alters left for a day... believe me, talking to yourself is completely different, when it's actually just talking to yourself (and no one is even there to listen). And I didn't like the silence, either.

walden wrote:Canolime, thats interesting you mentioned that...I have had lots of thoughts where I didn't think it was me, that I just took in stride. Do you have an example of what that is like for you? Thanks!

Well, there are different degrees. I mean, before I knew anything about DID, some comments I had no problem thinking they were my own, others I questioned, and some scared me half to death because there's no way they could have been mine.

For instance, if I heard something like "Let's go over there" or "Awww, look how cute they are" (talking about puppies or something), I had no problem believing that could have been me, even if it was more like I heard it inside my head, instead of thought it. If I heard "No, don't do that", and I'd start arguing with "myself" about it, I would think it's a little odd that I'm pretty much ordering myself not to do something, when I really want to do it and don't think it's a bad idea (I'd even feel like someone was mad at me, if I did something they didn't like). Sometimes I would hear things like "I hate him" (my dog), and I was so horrified and puzzled about why I would think that, when I knew I didn't hate him. And then there were times I'd hear things that were obviously not my own thoughts... like someone would tell me some kind of information, and then I would find out what they told me was true, but I knew I didn't know that information, so it obviously wasn't my own thoughts... that's when I would get scared

Now, I usually recognize even the comments that I wouldn't have really questioned. I think the only times I might not be sure who said what, is when I'm distracted. I think if you only heard a comment, and were surprised (like "Huh? What did you say?"), there's a good chance it wasn't you who said it

walden wrote:The other day, I was walking down a corridor to my office at work when a man I work greeted me when we passed. A tough male voice in my head said "The name is Rach" (pronounced like Rachel, but without the "el"). It really startled me. I tried to convince myself its just my mind playing tricks, but I don't think thats truly the case.

Sometimes, it's kind of hard to deny them really existing, huh? You should have asked about it (asked whoever said "The name is Rach"). That's probably the best way to know if someone actually said something.

canolime wrote:If I heard "No, don't do that", and I'd start arguing with "myself" about it, I would think it's a little odd that I'm pretty much ordering myself not to do something, when I really want to do it and don't think it's a bad idea (I'd even feel like someone was mad at me, if I did something they didn't like).

I think I understand what you mean- last night, I was on the computer when I heard "You have had enough of this"..I found myself obeying it and instantly walked away. A couple paces later, I THOUGHT to myself (there is definitely a difference!) "woah, I wasn't done yet, why did I just do that?". Something like that seem familiar to you??

Oh and lately I hear an angry little boys voice yelling out "who are you!!" to people around me. People seem like adults to me for a brief spell, in the way that a child would see them. It has been happening for weeks now, I think I've been trying to block that out (or just convince myself its just me thinknig it). Perhaps thats where some of the headaches come from? I don't know.. I am very very ready to see my doc now! I just don't feel like I can tackle this whole situation right now.

canolime wrote:ometimes, it's kind of hard to deny them really existing, huh? You should have asked about it (asked whoever said "The name is Rach"). That's probably the best way to know if someone actually said something.

I asked myself what was that?! after that happened, and I could hear some sort of heavy breathing in my mind. Something stirring, and a feeling of intimidation. This spacing out has been out of control this evening.