Looking for answers but I don't know the questions

What do you do when you are simply too tired to continue fighting the battle in your mind? I go back and forth about believing this diagnosis. Regardless of whether or not I believe it the part of me that wants to die is so strong and I am fighting every day to get rid of that part but it just gets stronger. I am so tired and confused. It's so difficult to keep fighting myself. I wonder why I'm going to therapy when I don't even remember most of the session. I don't know what to do. I don't know why things are so bad right now. This has always been my life and yet it's only recently that it's become a problem. There's so much I don't understand. Why does that part of me want to kill me now? There's no danger now. I'm stronger than I've ever been and yet I'm more confused than I've ever been. I have kept this hidden my whole life and now it's all coming apart. Why now? Do I just give up and let the other parts do whatever they want? Do I just roll over and die? Why is everything coming apart? Why can't I get control? How do you even begin to explain what's going on inside? It's like there's an entire world going on inside and no one can see it, no one is even aware of it and yet it's very real. And it feels as if a natural disaster has hit that world that lives inside and what was orderly is now chaos. I am so tired, confused, and overwhelmed.

tired&confused wrote: There's no danger now. I'm stronger than I've ever been and yet I'm more confused than I've ever been.

That the reason, why now? Because you are stronger that why they think you are ready for the next step. I have passed through this stage. My friends told me this;

for the complicated stuff, there is an old saying: How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Complex problems are solved by breaking them down into their simpler parts. Solve the smaller individual problems, and it becomes easier to solve the whole problem.

tired&confused wrote: It's like there's an entire world going on inside and no one can see it, no one is even aware of it and yet it's very real.

I feel the same things as you. My inner friends said "Believe in your system". Listen to them, they are here to help, you may not see it this way right now but you will.

tired&confused wrote: There's no danger now.

My opinion, if s/he knew this but still want to kill so it's not her/him issue.

All the best,
May/Ray

Good Morning,

what seems to happen is when a light is shown on DID like being aware yourself or having another become aware a chaos starts. Imagine DID what created to save us and it depends on secrecy. So when the awareness comes in a more formal way that is dangerous to the ones inside who have worked so hard to blend in to protect you and others.

One may want to die because frankly that may be that ones only job to do so before the worse of the worse happens again. Having itself exposed may be the very worse thing for some alts.

One thing you can do is see if there is a way to communicate with the alt who wants to die. This video helped us understand that a bit more.

http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/disso ... th-alters/


Sometimes though you have to be more tough. I make sure or try to that an alter who is bent on destruction is surrounded in a such a way not to allow any harmful actions.

Remember being known is perceived as a danger for most alts. They hold so much emotional junk that never touched us. They operate from a different perspective.

I hope this helps
Julia

May/Ray & Julia,

Thank you for reading and responding to my post. And Julia, I did find the video helpful so thank you for that link. I just wish I knew how to fix all of this and speed things up. I’m finding it difficult to function at work right now and that’s never happened before. I’ve not researched DID before last night because I have refused to believe that I have this thing that many don’t even believe exist. But things have gotten so bad that I have no choice but to look at what’s going on and try to fix it. I just want to get rid of all of this and be me, whoever that might be. How do you come to terms with the fact that the way you have lived your life is different from how most have lived their lives? For a long time I didn’t even realize that it wasn’t normal to not remember most of your childhood and large portions of your adult life. I thought that was the way everyone was. I’m a problem-solver but this is a problem I cannot figure out how to solve. I read that you are supposed to talk to the others and write to them. That feels weird even thinking about doing. I wouldn’t even know where to begin or how to begin. I thought my therapist would have the answers but he just says that I just need to keep talking. Sometimes though I can’t even talk when I’m there. It’s like I get stuck. There’s so much going on inside that I just leave but no one takes my place. At those times he says I just sit there and stare off into space. I’m paying a lot of money to just sit there and stare. I don’t want that to happen. This may sound dumb but is there a sort of “How To” manual somewhere that tells us how to get rid of these other parts and just be like everyone else?

tired&confused wrote: How do you come to terms with the fact that the way you have lived your life is different from how most have lived their lives?

The best answer I can get is, accept it. I know it's not easy to accept. I don't really know you can talk with your internal friends or not. For me we can talk so mostly we communicate by talking. Anyway, It's still weird for me to tell people to talk with the voice that normally people don't hear. But to do so make things better.

tired&confused wrote: I read that you are supposed to talk to the others and write to them. That feels weird even thinking about doing.

It's not bad to give a try. For me sometime writing makes them understand me more. In some cases, you don't need to write directly to them but just write what you are thinking and some of them are able to hear that.

Hope this helps.

Ray

When I began therapy looking at DID (this was after years of therapy for PTSD), it seemed like the word "Weird" came out of my mouth every three seconds. Everything was weird. I designed a t-shirt that I wear that says, "Weird is the new normal." I might have doubted the diagnosis a bit more, had my husband's response to it not been, "That makes so much sense." I also took a clinical test administered by my therapist that has been shown to be a reliable instrument, and scored well into the DID range on it.

Among the things my therapist told me that helped are: "An injury to one is an injury to all." He repeats this a lot so that I can get it through to the alters that we are all in this together. He also encourages me to talk to them and to listen to them and to ask what their needs are. He also says, "I'm talking to everyone now when I say this, and I hope they are all listening." We also made agreements about what I am to do in the event of any thought about self-harm.

Something I told my therapist that has helped: "You may need to quiz me on things we discussed in previous sessions because I switch a lot." I also have begun to notice more when a switch is about to occur, and attempt to warn him about what is happening and who I think is emerging.

I wanted to jump right in and integrate asap but now I understand that is not such a healthy idea. This will take time. I am developing co-consciousness with my alters so I stay aware of what is going on and how they react to things.

I see how my DID affects my work because now I look for it. Prior to that, it affected my work but I didn't realize it. I doubt it is more active, I just know about it now.

My alters have maintained a stealthy, covert operation. They hide things from each other and from me as the core. We are working to share information. Each step forward toward transparency upsets the balance, and a bit of chaos is to be expected. Sometimes I tell him things an alter may wish to suppress, but I need to be honest and truthful with him in order to work through all this.

My experience is that it gets better. Many nights, I sleep well and soundly, and that is a big change.

I hope the best for you!

A clarification: in my previous reply to your post, when I wrote "Sometimes I tell him things an alter may wish to suppress, but I need to be honest and truthful with him in order to work through all this," the "him" to which I referred was my therapist.

Dear tired&confused, this is reaching alittle close 2 home 4 me. I have read the post and will respond @ a later time. I see some of me in U. Hang in there ..things should be come clearer as time goes on.