A proper introduction :)

I felt it was necessary to introduce myself after my last topic.

My name is Katariina. I'm 20 years old (almost 21), and I live in Nevada. I've had many issues with all kinds of mental health problems throughout my life (SI, Anorexia, Schizoaffective Bipolar, ect.). I was hospitalized for 8 days in 2004 and went through a few therapists that year, was put on Prozac and Valium (at separate times) that year and neither helped other than making me sleepy. That was a problem considering I slept for 12+ hours every day already hehe. I'm no longer in therapy or on any meds due to not having any money for either.

I'm unemployed at the moment and the only other job I've ever really had I was forced to be a topless dancer for a little over a year. And yes, a lot of fighting to keep my body to myself in that year too as I am one of the only girls I've ever met who wouldn't allow men to touch them. After I moved out of that state I have not gone back to that disgusting world since. It's been 6 months unemployed and I feel very worthless without helping my family with money. I live with 7 people (all family) except one is my boyfriend who I have known for 5 years. I'm a full time care-taker of my little brother also since my family is always busy.

As a little girl I was brought up around many kinds of sexual exposure. Before the age of 5 I remember more sexual images of my parents than most people ever really see throughout their entire childhood. One distinct memory is of my parents having sex against my back in the same bed as me under the age of 3 or so which still ****s with my head. I know I was abused by my 3rd grade teacher (female), verbally and possibly physically and have gaps of memories lost there. There are chunks of my childhood that I don't really remember, and although I've gotten most of them back in the last few years, there are some years that have no memories at all. Aside from that I've had more trauma with my body that I do remember from the ages of 12-19. I think my issues with this might be what caused all the problems I have today, even though I sometimes act as if it doesn't effect me at all .

Umm other than all that I'm not sure what to say. A little history about myself and a little up-to-date information heh. I have found recently that I do have one alter that I have finally spoken to (Saimi who is 67), who I know has been there for as long as I can remember except I have only recently discovered it was more than "that voice inside me" that most people usually chalk it up to be. There is one more that has no name yet that surfaces when I feel threatened, he is VERY angry and very violent at the mouth, and quite "hand happy" I have yet to talk to him though I believe I've heard his voice once. That is as far as I know of when it comes to others, but it does not feel like that's it just yet, which is scaring me and causing a great deal of stress lately. Sometimes I think all this self-awareness is too much for me to handle and ignorance would be bliss..

I hope that from visiting here I may get a better grip on my parts and hopefully they can understand each other better as well. Thank you for reading . It feels good to get this stuff out.

Hi it's nice to meet you! I'm new to this forum as well, and I can relate a lot to what you're saying. How long were you in therapy before? Did you get any parts work done?
I'm trying to talk to the others inside more and in the past few weeks have had a couple of responses-some good some bad. I'm getting prepped mentally right now to go to a therapist appointment where I get to talk about something I dont remember (my parents called my T because I had lost it apparently) so that will just be such a joy (lol originally i had typed job). it will be a tough job though but hopefully I can find out what happened last week. Therapy has been really helpful to me so far although its been a challenge that's for sure. Do you have a good support system? Hppefully you can find more support here like I have. This forum has been extremely helpful for me so far. It definitely does feel good to get it out sometimes

It's nice to meet you too! Thank you for the welcoming .

LuckyOphelia wrote:How long were you in therapy before? Did you get any parts work done?

I was in therapy mostly for my SI and depression and needed to work on my home life (psychotic mom, ect.) so no parts anything was ever done. In fact the few therapists I had didn't do crap for me! So for about a year maybe 3-4 therapists/psychiatrists and all range from one session to 3 months or so.

LuckyOphelia wrote:I'm getting prepped mentally right now to go to a therapist appointment where I get to talk about something I dont remember

That sounds like it'll help you a lot, maybe it will be hard but hopefully helpful in the long run . Good luck!

LuckyOphelia wrote:Do you have a good support system?

Yes and no. My boyfriend is the only one who knows how deeply my issues go and I've been kind of standoffish about telling him all this stuff in particular. He gets upset that I don't remember some things he or I said and stuff so I think maybe soon I'll tell him what's really going on. I'm afraid he won't understand even though he's already so supportive with everything else .

How long have you known about your alters? I feel like they've been in the background for a very long time but until recently didn't think it was unusual, you know? It's like I just "woke up" and realized I had this internal struggle moving around without my direct knowledge. Kind of like I just tuned in in the middle of a TV show's 3rd season without watching the rest of the first seasons if that makes sense haha.

Hello everyone! I don't want to intrude in this conversation, but this is Saimi. Katie (Katariina's life-long nickname) was falling asleep and I started talking to her, and she asked me if I ever planned on taking myself completely out. I kind of pushed myself over her and felt like exploring. It's so nice to be here, I kind of want to do this again! I felt her pillows and looked in the mirror for a long while, it's different than inside, she's never asked me to come out here [without using me to cry] so I've never had the guts to jump out without being a hysterical and unpredictable wreck, I'm not all crying and blubbery so this is like seeing through clear eyes for the first time. I didn't even know I was capable of passive conversation hmhmhm.

She has a book that I wrote in for her. I'm having a hard time writing in my usual handwriting though, it's cursive and slanted to the right, but it's like I forgot how to write cursive and it all becomes so mushy after doing it too fast. I wrote her a note, and a pretty little picture of a road surrounded by trees! I hope she likes it, it's the first time in years since I've used my hands to do those things!

Hm what else.... she might be mad for writing here to be frank. I had a small question I wanted to ask others like me. What kinds of activities could an older gal like me do to keep preoccupied? I'm practically ancient, and would love some advice from someone near my age. Art and music (1935-1955 is the best) are my main interests, but Katie is more agoraphobic than she lets on, we never go out! And she's petrified about going to her first Jury Duty summons tomorrow (just the interview), so I'm going to be keeping her calm and in the little room until I find ways to help. She sounds so far away from me and I want to keep her safe without being isolated also. Oh I'm rambling, I had no point at the end of this I suppose. Oh well, I hope to be out here again and let some steam out soon! Sorry Katie for using your post thing here, I hope you understand honey!

Well Hey Saimi and Katariina
I have only known about my alters for maybe a few months, its hard to remember to be quite honest. I've found many clues that have been left for me though such as drawings, writings, and other little "hints" that I never would have picked up on until after I realized the alters were there.
Saimi, it's wonderful that you can help out Katariina, does she remember or can she see what you do?
Katariina, hopefully you're not too freaked out by Saimi's message, do you remember that message being typed out at all? Or can Saimi maybe show you that memory? It's cool how at times we can all share different things with each other.
I definitely know it feels "popping up" out of no where and feeling as if you have to all of a sudden grab the reins in a situation you've been thrown into. I relate it a lot to some type of time space continuum/dimensional shift or something (all Back to the Future style :p) but we're all very strange and can come up with the wackiest explanations/justifications for things that really just don't make much sense. The level of cognitive dissonance we've all experienced has been unfathomable, and I consider myself to be a very aware person when it comes to my feelings and emotional responses in any given situation (or at least I used to be that way when I went to school and worked full time. It seems like my highly functional self is something of the past for now).
It sounds like your significant other has been very supportive it's a good thing to have people in your life that know you so well because they can help point out things you or the others may have missed otherwise.
Saimi-its great that you feel comfortable, we all definitely know the feelings you are all going through. We've experienced different styles of handwriting our entire life (just kind of always thought it was this weird 'thing' that i just do).
I purchased a book on analyzing handwriting when I was younger just to figure out why my handwriting was always different. Never got an answer until now lol. Oh, here is some 50s music I found on youtube some of it's from Back to the Future :p
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKn6h2x5IcY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcW0FNS1L8g

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9H4heyqcdJ8
what kind of older art do you like? I love andy warhol!!

Oh yeah and Katariina
Good luck with jury duty this morning, take care!

Very nice to meet the both of you. Interesting history and I am very sorry for what you had to go through. As you probably already know, we are all here for you and will help you in anyway needed.

~Yuriko

Wow it's nice to read that message.. I remember asking her to come out and things got all dark and my head kind of felt fuzzy, then all of a sudden I was like far off in the distance. I don't understand nor do I feel like trying haha it was just nice to experiment and not have to feel so crazy.

LuckyOphelia wrote:Saimi, it's wonderful that you can help out Katariina, does she remember or can she see what you do?

I do remember almost everything she did, she kept looking at the time to tell me how long she was taking since I had to wake up early (I didn't get picked for the Jury but it was NERVE-WRACKING!). I even remember her writing that message and the picture. Maybe it's because she was letting me watch? Do some alters force us not to watch what they do and that's why we block it out?

LuckyOphelia wrote:It sounds like your significant other has been very supportive

He is for the most part which I'm thankful for. There are times though when his anger issues surface and makes things hard for us, but I know it's because he's frustrated that he can't always help me.

LuckyOphelia wrote:We've experienced different styles of handwriting our entire life (just kind of always thought it was this weird 'thing' that i just do).

I've done than many times too! Have you ever felt the need to write your own signature differently? It freaks me out because I think one day my signature I've used before won't be the same and someone will think I'm forging my own name haha.

LuckyOphelia wrote:what kind of older art do you like? I love andy warhol!!

Ohh I like him too but I'm more into like super realistic art like Greek statues/paintings, but also I like creepy cool artists like Salvador Dali, the kind of art that makes you at first go "whaaaaat??" hehehe.

Thank you so much for writing you guys I feel so relieved that I don't have to be scared. :):)

Yes of course! Oh I totally used to sign my name different all the time. I could never pick a signature I wanted when I was younger. I used to have the same thoughts about people thinking I had forged my named too
And yeah I can watch most of the alters usually. I guess I'm "semi co conscious." If I drink though or do anything to alter my consciousness at all, I will black out and the alters will take over without me being able to watch. So we're cutting way back on the drinking. It's really important to be healthy and aware as best you can be.

Haha I thought I was the only one who did that! Funny how something so little as writing your own name can be a challenge XD.

How many do you know of? Drinking makes me all lucid and truthful but I rarely blackout. Other "recreational" activities make me a little "forgetful" in ways that make me think I've lost big gaps of time but I never noticed that as something to do with alters or not. Maybe I over-do things and just lose time, or maybe they pop out? I have no idea, I don't think I've done that much self-study to know hehe.

Feel free to PM me by the way, it sounds like we have tons of stuff in common .

Elo

Sounds like a nice system y'got there. Would be cool to talk moree
Jen