Working with dysfunctional family :(

I am having another one of those god-awful weeks.

This may be long, but I don't care right now, if you don't wanna read, then don't. I'm not forcing ya.

MY MOTHER
Don't know about others here but I have been staying in contact with my mother (who's paranoid schizophrenic off and on, depending on how meds are that day) against my T's advice. The main reason is not because I just have to talk to her. It's that I have hardly any friends. I'm a kind of person who likes to have a few close relationships rather than 50 superficial ones; but they work (as people tend to do ) and are active and often hard to het ahold of. So when I want to talk about my day or a book I read or a joke I heard yada yada, I don't really have anyone. But my mother loooooves to talk and doesn't work or go anywhere so she's always home. If I can get her stop talking for a minute, I can tell her about my day. Problem is she mixes up everything you say (every time) when she tells others. Usually that's ok because my sibs know this happens and will always verify. Except this time.

THE BROTHER SITUATION
When we were all last together and laughing and being "normal" (my sibs have VERY good senses of humor) I realized I wanted a recording of it so that I can remember the good times (I used to have one and listening to it was always refreshing when I was lonely). Then I had the idea to let my T hear some of it. Unfortunately, I chose the exact moment to start the recording when my bro was saying "Yeah, Dad can be such an asshole..." and went on with a funny story about a conflict when he was young. Using that phrase is not a big deal in our family, because truth is truth. Even my dad says it, then he says "I GOTTA BE ME" in a dumb way. I didn't think anything of it, but my T was kind of taken aback and said "Your mom lets you say those things about your dad? In my family, I would NEVER let my children disrespect my husband that way." (Then I said well she's an uptown girl remember and we kind of laughed). I told my mom about this and she got defensive about it (she wants us to think she is a wonderful angel mother who cared so much for us, but its soooo hard to deal with her because it was she who would stand by while our dad beat us up, choked us, dragged us by the hair, slammed us into walls etc etc etc to name some minor stuff. and she can't accept her culpability to the point of flat-out denial.) So she told my brother that I secretly recorded him just so I could show my T what kind of stuff I have to put up with. WTF? I recorded it because it was just the opposite. *sigh*

My brother wrote a long mean letter and Veronica wrote a long mean letter back (why does he listen to an insane person over us?). But actually the effect was that he said he found a new respect for her and she was definitely a Frankenstein (not our real last name lol). We had been having probs and this was a good sign. Though he said he had more to say but didn't have time right now. Uh-oh.

THE PARENT SITUATION
So I called my mom to tell her. She started yelling that I was lying to him (hung up) and then (called back) turned it to why do I always stay away (I live 3.5 hr away) and why can't I just make up with my dad. Then she put my dad on the phone and he said he can't understand why my sister and I can't just drop everything and leave it in the past? I told him to be satisfied that I even talk to him, and that I would NEVER have that mushy kind of "Father Knows Best" (old TV show) relationship with him and he said Why Not? WHY NOT!!!??? They have completely blocked out anything they ever did to the point of making up new memories for our life! They're so wounded and confused by our accusations that I really think they're not lying, they just made themselves a new history and can't understand why we would be so upset over their minor transgressions in child rearing and we're overly sensitive and need to move on. GRRRRR. COMPLETELY invalidates everything I've overcome. Then my dad said my sister had always been just an ungrateful so-and-so and that he never even spanked her!!! I reminded him how CPS was called because she had bruises all down her backside and legs (and then my dad's sister told her that if she said anything she would be taken away and never see ANY of her family EVER again , so that when CPS questioned her she kept quiet). I remember...my mom's sister was the one who called them! But my parents had the AUDACITY to say I was losing my sanity because that NEVER happened. By that time, I hung up.

How can I salvage this? I used to be able to go over there with everyone at holidays and have a good time 1) because my dad has mellowed out some 2) his health is so bad I could whoop his ass and 3) we never never talk about the past with any emotion. Now suddenly my dad's wanting some kind of father-daughter relationship that I. just. can't. give. But every time we talk, they're pushing and pushing me to be all lovey-dovey and crap, wanting me to say how great they are and how glad I am they were my parents and how much I looooove them. And they're mad because I told them there was nothing they could do to change things (My dad has said he's sorry a hundred times over the years but then immediately says he never did anything or that if I just wouldn't have ______ , nothing would have happened - usually in the same conversation even- so I don't trust "sorry" it means nothing and never will) not to mention the fact that these atheists keep trying to tell me how I'm not being a good Christian! but because he's still on the edge of suicidal, I am afraid to come out and say that my dad just repulses me and I have so much bitterness because he treated my like a second wife (in every way) and slave or blow-up doll without any rights or feelings.

Hmmm. I know this is boring, I just needed to vent. Even my T is gone and I feel so alone with this (my sis doesn't want to talk about it because she says it just gets her too riled up, that's why she doesn't call them or answer their calls)

I think you just have to tell your parents to take it or leave it. This is the only kind of relationship your dad's going to get from you, because you can't do anything more. Period. You don't have to go into detail, just leave it in simple form (take it or leave it). If they can't remember or won't accept what happened, going into detail won't even help... so make it simple for them.

InfinitD wrote:They have completely blocked out anything they ever did to the point of making up new memories for our life! They're so wounded and confused by our accusations that I really think they're not lying, they just made themselves a new history and can't understand why we would be so upset over their minor transgressions in child rearing and we're overly sensitive and need to move on. GRRRRR. COMPLETELY invalidates everything I've overcome.

I'm sorry about that My mom does the same thing... but other family members remember the exact same things that I do, so I can't be completely nuts. It's really like the old memories have been replaced.
You just have to try to ignore what they say, I guess Them not acknowledging it, doesn't change history, and they're the ones who are seeing it wrong - not you.

InfinitD wrote:my bro was saying "Yeah, Dad can be such an asshole..." and went on with a funny story about a conflict when he was young. Using that phrase is not a big deal in our family, because truth is truth. I didn't think anything of it, but my T was kind of taken aback and said "Your mom lets you say those things about your dad? In my family, I would NEVER let my children disrespect my husband that way."

Does every dysfunctional family do this type of thing? I grew up calling my dad disrespectful things (my mom would do it, and I learned to follow), and when I was a teen, I realized I could never tell people outside of the family about it, because of how it would be viewed

InfinitD wrote:But actually the effect was that he said he found a new respect for her and she was definitely a Frankenstein (not our real last name lol).

He really should have checked with you, before believing your mom. I hope the rest of what he has to say, won't be something bad.

I know where you are coming when you mention about your dad saying sorry then denying it.
As my parents do that regularly and I understand how frustrating it can be and then they expect me to have a relationship.
On what bloody planet! and my mum likes to make things up and jumble up information when talking to others so I understand where you are coming from as well, In that situation.
I'm not in T yet and I am sorry If this is not the best advice, I just try to stay away from my parents.

Wow i just thought that was something i've experienced in abundance, but it sounds like its a lot more common than i thought. Interesting. I've lost a good deal of the only ppl that were in my life because they couldnt deal with their guilt or face the skeletons in their closet, so their brains syeem to mix up facts to alleive their conscience, else replacing the memories completely. My mom's bi-polar and schizophrenic, and fluctuates between apologizing for or denying everything she's ever done to me. I haven't talked to her in almost two yrs tho since the last time i saw her, she grabbed me by the throat and threw me bodily down her stairs telling me to get the f*** out of her house.

I've made attempts at reconciling with my dad, who did all manner of unspeakavle things when i was 3/4, and sometimes i'm able to "forget" it all and talk to him impartially (depending on who's driving ) but others the creepy vibe is too strong and i just cant.

I've personally just taken the stance where i tell them i'll be here whenever reality decides to come knocking in the la-la land they're hiding in and they're ready to embrace humility and move on...

Cheers!