Here goes...

I don’t really know how to explain this. I’ve always been extremely reluctant to even ask about anything here. Please don’t take this as offensive, anybody reading, it’s just that this is such an odd thing to think about. I don’t really want to think about whether I have DID, let alone admit, and also, (and isn’t this going to sound just ideal), Jen won’t let me.

Let’s start from the beginning. I don’t even know where the beginning is. I’m Emily, and I can hear voices. Not voices like thoughts, but literally people and personalities that reside in my head. There are four, not including me, two of whom are related to one another. They literally live in my head, a couple of them talk to me the whole time and others I can just hear without any particular dialogue, they have names, et cetera.

This is the first time I’ve told anybody alive about this. This scares me quite a lot. Insight would be amazing from anyone who has any ideas.

So. I was born into this body, this is my body and personality. The other main person in my head is Jen, she’s my age. She is everything I’m not – while I’m weak, tired, apathetic, she’s fiery and alive and absolutely brilliant. She takes over me very frequently, mostly in social occasions because I literally can’t handle a lot of social situations due to a very long history of bullying.

There’s also Heather, who about 25, never “takes front” (we nicknamed it that) but is inside to protect Echo, who’s very young and doesn’t talk, just cries a lot. (Jen and Echo are related, even have a surname of Waters). Heather and Jen don’t get on – Heather thinks Jen is dangerous, but I think she’s quite paranoid about Jen given that Jen is the only thing holding me together. Jen seems to find Echo extremely annoying, mainly because of the fact that she just doesn’t stop crying (which gives me one hell of a headache). There’s also Vivian, who is suicidal and she is locked away somewhere at the back of my head. My life has been problematic recently (see the Anorexia forum for that… there’s another story) and Vivian broke out, left us with scars on our upper legs.

The more I actually try to keep hold of what’s going on in my head the more I see that I’m not exactly helping my case. I just don’t understand how I could possible have any problems… I wasn’t abused when I was little… although in fairness I don’t have many memories of my young life ages about 5-14… all my home life is intact… I was bullied horrifically, and counselling for ED has come out with several memories of physical and mental bullying in school. Could that trigger feelings of disassociation?

Or, am I what I have always suspected – paranoid, and with an overactive imagination? I thought for a while I had BPD, because of my inability as Emily to communicate with people, but now I’m just confused, because I’m not always talking to people as Emily, and Jen doesn’t have any problems with people or relationships.

Am I making any sense at all? Sorry for the very long post, hope it seems even faintly comprehensible. Does anybody have any ideas? I don’t really know any more what’s real and what isn’t, I just someone to give me any idea at all! Thank you for reading.

Emily (smallcat).

Welcome, Emily (and Jen, Heather, Echo, and Vivian)!

smallcat wrote:Am I making any sense at all? Sorry for the very long post, hope it seems even faintly comprehensible.

More sense than you know No, seriously - I'm pretty sure you fit here.

smallcat wrote:I don’t really want to think about whether I have DID, let alone admit, and also, (and isn’t this going to sound just ideal), Jen won’t let me.

C was the opposite... she made me ask if I had it.

smallcat wrote:I’m Emily, and I can hear voices. Not voices like thoughts, but literally people and personalities that reside in my head.

Are the voices coming from inside or outside of your head?

smallcat wrote:although in fairness I don’t have many memories of my young life ages about 5-14

Very common with DID because of switching and memories being blocked out.

smallcat wrote:I was bullied horrifically, and counselling for ED has come out with several memories of physical and mental bullying in school. Could that trigger feelings of disassociation?

Anything that was too much for your mind to handle, could cause it. So, if the bullying was bad enough, I would think so.

smallcat wrote:Or, am I what I have always suspected – paranoid, and with an overactive imagination?

I really doubt that. Everything you've typed sounds too much like DID

-waves- Hi guys.

smallcat wrote: I don’t really want to think about whether I have DID, let alone admit, and also, (and isn’t this going to sound just ideal), Jen won’t let me.

I was the same way. (Er, well Edward was more than I was. I finally just wanted to know. XD)

smallcat wrote:Or, am I what I have always suspected – paranoid, and with an overactive imagination?

It does sound like DID, I mean, you have alters, and you identify by names and gender. (As one of the mods in here put it when Edward asked: 'You identify yourselves by gender and name. And you're asking if you have split personality disorder? C'monnnn! ")

I found a really good book that might help you. http://www.amazon.com/Living-Your-Selve ... 1877872067 I started reading it today, and it seems really really good. It was created by a multiple, so less large terminology. (Which is always good.)

smallcat wrote:I don’t really want to think about whether I have DID, let alone admit

...

smallcat wrote:The more I actually try to keep hold of what’s going on in my head the more I see that I’m not exactly helping my case.

...

smallcat wrote:Or, am I what I have always suspected – paranoid, and with an overactive imagination?

I still go through all this stuff off and on all the time. I guess it just takes time to get to a level like Bates and Canolime etc.

InfinitD wrote:I still go through all this stuff off and on all the time.

InfinitD wrote:I guess it just takes time to get to a level like Bates and Canolime etc.

Me? You're using me as an example? I doubt it quite a bit. I've seriously considered taking a poll here, asking if anyone thinks I don't have DID I feel like maybe I just read too much (I was on this board before I even considered I might be multiple). But then there's too much that happened before I even knew what DID was, that makes perfect sense... so...

Mike (Mr. Bates) seems more than comfortable, but I go in and out of denial.

canolime wrote:Me? You're using me as an example?

Well you give such good advice that it seems like you got a handle on it.

P.S. Do you EVER sleep? You post at all times of the day and night I noticed. Just wonderin'

InfinitD wrote:Well you give such good advice that it seems like you got a handle on it.

Thanks. I've read a whole lot about it on this board and different sites, and C adds a lot to what I write, so I can't take all the credit

InfinitD wrote:P.S. Do you EVER sleep? You post at all times of the day and night I noticed. Just wonderin'

Sleep? What's that? I just have odd hours that go back and forth. I usually stay up very late, and since I have no real job or school, I'm online all day. Then sometimes I stay up way too late, and end up reversing my sleep schedule. So I'm all over the place. I am here a lot, huh?

i think its really normal to go through denial and wonderings about DID when you have it lol the fact your questioning it is in itself a sighn that somethings going on. you sound a lot like me when i first learnt about it i kept think maybe i have an overactive imagination maybe i read to much i even thought maybe im making it up to get attention? but i looked at those thoughts and really who wants to pretend to have DID its not really all that glamorous the only media attention it gets is the movie sybil (which freaked me out and also is not an acurate portrayal of most peoples experience of DID. less than 5% of multiples have alters that take over for months years ect without the host knowing somethings going on) the media shows people with DID in crime programs like CSI and NCIS as prostitutes, people acting crazy, serial killers ect so i doubt that i saw it on tv and thought gee i wish i had that disorder. and sure i do read a lot but i read about lots of disorders, life experiences, mental illnesses ect but i dont think i have them all or even many of them the fact that ive read so much and DID is the one that fits for me helped me to see i had enough knowledge to make an informed descision and served as conformation of the fact i have DID. and if i was making it up why would i be so intent on keeping it a secret why would i hide it and make up excuses for odd behaviour and push any symtoms of DID to the back of my mind so i didnt have to aknoledge them.

im not saying your thoughts are the same as mine just that there is a process that happens when we are trying to find something that fits for us and we are not sure if it does yet. i found it helpful to process my thoughts and break them down as i have showed in the paragraph above. i spent so much time wondering if i was making it up that i didnt let myself explore the possibility that i wasnt. maybe if you not sure if you have DID you could try that identity on for a while and see if it fits you because i think the only way to really know if the shoe fits is to try it on.

i would just like to clarify that my breakdown thought process in the first paragraph is the breakdown i did of my thoughts not yours i am not you and i would not attemp to interpret your thoughts because you are the undeniable expert of your life not me so you will know best and sort things out in your own time. i hope you find peace on this journey best of luck.

misty17 wrote:the media shows people with DID in crime programs like CSI and NCIS as prostitutes, people acting crazy, serial killers ect so i doubt that i saw it on tv and thought gee i wish i had that disorder.

I was bullied horrifically in school to the point where it became a game to try and break me.
I had no outlets or anyone to talk to, and was not allowed to show my emotions.
I was not physically or sexually abused as a child.

Yet, here I am.

Remember that despite what you are going through, you are a human being, and there is nothing wrong with you.
There was something wrong with the people who affected you this way.

I'm glad you were brave enough to post, it takes a lot of courage to do that