My significant other views it almost as cheating.

Hi again guys. Alright well this would not be the first relationship I've had DID. But the first actual relationship where I'm off meds and my others come out pretty openly. But when they come out he says he doesn't feel comfortable or doesn't love them all as he truly as he loves me.

Although he knows that they are all some aspect of me. He can not get over the fact that it feels like cheating with them. Some of the others don't have any lust at all and he feels the most comfortable kissing those than the more lustier ones. And the male alters don't exactly feel comfortable with him. They are just friends. But all I can say is this common with people who have significant others? Do their boyfriends/girlfriends feel like they are cheating on the host? I mean and also I'm a pansexual I've been in both male and female and other relationships. But I wonder if this is a common thing as well? And how do you solve this?

*Trigger: talking about sex*
My SO is too worried that one of my kids might be awake (Most of them ARE kids) and therefore
sex is very rare in the relationship.

Our rules are solid and final. Usually, it's sex with me only.
If there is to be any kissing or contact with the others,
A. They have to be over 18
B. They have to be healthy enough not to be repeating the abuse or an unhealthy pattern
(The lustier one turned out to be repeating abuse in my system, he felt uncomfortable with this too)
C. It has to be okay with both me and him and talked about way before hand
D. Obviously, it would have to be well thought out and actually wanted by the alter

So far, none of them have met the requirements.
Long story short, it doesn't happen.
He's very good at telling when they are awake and refuses any contact from them.
We're going through therapy and someday, a far time from now, it -may- happen,
but it'll be a long way off.

He's still their best friend and gives them plenty of hugs, if they're okay with it
and a kiss on the forehead if he's being sweet. Obviously, any touching at all, even hugs, has to be okay
with the alters first, so this usually happens between him and his buds

If there is sex with me
A. I have to be fully awake
B. I have to stop any contact if I feel triggered, scared, or hurt in any way
C. The kids can't be awake
D. We both have to be okay with it (He can't feel uncomfortable with the idea)
E. We have specific boundaries we can't cross, I had to learn what his boundaries were

It really has kept trauma from reoccurring and I have been getting better in this safe environment.
Needless to say it is a lot of work but I have no hard feelings towards him (Although it is frustrating sometimes)
and it's wonderful that he is so cautious with me.
His walls are slowly coming down as I get healthier.

In the end it's really up to you and him how you proceed, but I thought that writing out the model that
my boyfriend and I follow (which works) might help.
There are very good reasons why we follow these rules.
Sex is a very tricky thing when it comes to DID and we don't incorporate any possibly retraumatizing actions
or unhealthiness into our relationship.

Remember that alters under the age of 18 are actually still children, even if your body is still an adult.
They won't process it the same way you do, and a lot of the time they have made it their role, or their job,
when they should not be doing these things. Once they do some of their own self work they may find that
they did not enjoy their role or taught themselves to 'like' it but will prefer not to.
Just like real children, littles should not be involved with sex.
Kids have trouble telling the difference between sex and love, because the fine line has been mashed
by perpetrators that told lies when we were little.
There are very blurry lines when it comes to this so you'll have to figure it out.
Be sure to keep as open of communication as you can, it's very important.

Hoping the best for you!

geckopaws,

This is a hard one to reply to since we are all so different and everyone copes with it differently. In my experience and from stuff I've shared on boards with other people, the only way to deal with this is to help your partner recognise your alters and be intimate only with you.

aahhhh...

I nuture the little ones.
I still protect the little ones.
Those who need it.

It is a non-issue thank goodness.

I did find my laundry basket!!

red

I didn't mean to talk about anything triggering. Just relationships in general. If it went to sex, I'm sorry. It's just I want it to be a boundary I can somehow cross someday. But what you just said is true. The little ones I don't involve at all with stuff like that. Just as far as relationships go he is very understanding. Just there are older ones don't have lust in them. It's the ones that are 18 and 20 that do. I'm sorry if this is triggering. I just have no idea how to sort it out.

geckopaws wrote:I didn't mean to talk about anything triggering. Just relationships in general. If it went to sex, I'm sorry. I'm sorry if this is triggering.

I don't think broken_mirror meant anything you said was triggering. I think she was warning everyone that her post might be triggering

I didn't get triggered at all, I put that there as a warning to someone who might get triggered by my post, like canolime said,
because I did talk a lot about things that could make others fuzz out.

No worries!
I was just trying to help. Talking about these things is important because it's our health and happiness above all,
and I wanted to make sure I didn't leave that important part out

I am glad. My significant other often finds that when Shelley the little one comes out. She is five years old. She is clingy and very affectionate, but in no means in a sexual way. But the finds this very difficult because Shelley happens to embody a 27 year old beautiful women, sorry that's what he said. "I'm so flattered". It makes him have these freak outs. I told him if there is a way to find boundaries with these others. To tell Shelley she can't just hug him and be clingy like that. But he said he doesn't want have her end up crying cause that's what she usually is when she comes out.

Well I think that if we talk with my therapist, about his concerns we can finds some boundaries on the older others and the little ones. There are only 2 older others. The rest are anywhere between seven to 22 years younger than me. I guess is that he still feels very uncomfortable when one of the alters comes out and kisses him on the lips or tries to seduce him.

He said today that my logical elder one Serena came out and suggest him to take Iris the one who happens to be 18 out on a date instead of just trying to reject her or be physical with her. He still was kind of uncomfortable in that he is not sure how to get Iris even out and that she mostly comes out at night. But again it's so so complicated, because Iris views herself as a sorry to say this sex machine. To be used by everyone for sex and when that is over she is relieved. So to have a guy that actually loves me and cares about the others, is different to her. So I'm wondering also what would be a good way to go about this?

If Iris views herself as a sex machine, she definitely should not be having sex.

Maybe Serena is right, taking her out on a date could be beneficial.
Set firm boundaries, and if your boyfriend is okay with it, have him help her understand
that she can be liked without having to be sexual, and can have fun without having sex.
Make sure she knows she is not a sex machine and she is special in her own way and
that she doesn't have to perform that role anymore.

Maybe your boyfriend and yourself can talk to the therapist together about these issues?
I know it's helped me with mine. <3

Hi!!

I'm a SO, so I can probably give you a different view that you may find helpful ^-^ (Could be, I'm not sure, ***TIGGERING***)

Intro
First of all, a little introduction: My girlfriend has DID, but was never sexually abused (or abused in any way). I first found out about her alters less than a week after we started dating (we were already friends some months earlier). I'm 18 and she's 17, so we're really young and have decided to put off any kind of sexual contact until we're more mature (for normal reasons not connected with her DID, no matter how rare that is nowadays). Her alters agree that her virginity belongs to her, so they respect that pact. Only one of her alters is interested in kissing or sex (although she respects that pact as well), which I will call Lover from now on (fake name, of course ). I will explain that kissing for us is as far as we go, and therefore is comparable in importance to sex in other couples.

We have made a (tacit) agreement, in which my only girfriend is the host. Therefore, being romantically involved with one of her other alters would be considered "almost" as cheating. Anyway, I was once tricked by lover (before I knew about her in particular) and was really passionate with her. I found out it wasn't my girfriend a few days later. The host wasn't mad at me or her, and it seemed OK for Lover to kiss me and that kind of stuff (as long as the no-sex pact isn't broken), but I felt somewhat uncomfortable about that. Now, I realise that, if she's OK with me doing something with them and I don't feel something should be kept as a secret, then it's not cheating. If I belive something should be kept as a secret, I won't do it, because it would mean it can hurt her, and I don't want to hurt the one I love. Where I'm goung with all that is: It depends mainly on her feelings, but I would obviously feel more confortable doing stuff with her, not her alters, because, in some twisted way, it's like cheating for me. They're different individuals, and only one of them is my girlfriend.
In our case, even Lover understands (and so do I, of course) that the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship is only for 2, me and the host. At least, that's how we (host+me) feel now, and we don't think dating one of her alters is ok. If she can feel jealousy of them, then they can't be considered the same person when dating.
In your case, if you aren't jealous and feel ok with that, then he can be considered to be dating every one of you as a whole, not just an individual, as I'm doing.


Main Part

BUT, if you (the one with DID) are fine with that stuff happening, probably he won't think of it as cheating (and I mean really OK, not just the "I will let him do anything with them so he will be happy" kind of OK). If the alter wants to, is mature enough to decide, and you aren't hurt by it happening, he has no reason to feel guilty or afraid of hhurting you. Guilt and fear are probably what makes him uncomfortable with that, and makes him think of it that way.
Just think about it, if you are fine with him dating your other alters, he should be fine as well. It will probably help them (and you, too), as it's a way in which your alters can feel supported and loved, and stop feeling like a "sex-machine", as one of them does, or like "tools" for other people to use.
Tell him that it's not cheating if you know about it, and agree with it. Just tell him not to keep it as a secret from you, and talk with your alters about it as well. He should always know when he's dating, kissing or having sex with an alter. That way, he will be more confident, and the fear of hurting you by dating you, you and other you's (xD) will go away.
In the cases when the alter needs to be shown that there's more to a healthy relationship than just sex, it will be a lot easier for him to do that if he is free to date, kiss, hug and show love to her, as he does with you.

I hope some of what I said was clear enough to help you In conclusion, if both of you are open about it, it can't be considered as "cheating", so everything should be OK. Just talk with him, with your alters, and if you can, let him talk to your alters as well, if you consider it convenient.