How can I keep living with the fear of this disorder?

I was sexually abused from 3 years old until 10 when my grandfather became to ill to molest me. I have a little sister that I tried to protect from him by taking all the abuse from him and hiding her away when he babysat us. My second grade teacher used to take me into the coat closet and take nude pictures of me while fondling himself. Then, I emancipated myself legally at the age of 15 and started early admission college. That didn't last long as my sheltered .life and immaturity created culture shock and I began acting out. When I was 17, I met a boy 8 years older than me that swept me off my feet and at first showered me with attention. We got pregnant pretty soon after and got married...thinking it was the good girl thing to do. One month after my marriage to the day, I accidentally walked into him shooting up drugs in the bathroom( i really had to pea bad). He became so enraged that I discovered his secret, that he threw me through the glass shower doors, punched me, and choke me until I passed out. was pregnant and terrified. From there, things escalated to what I can only compare to sheer sexual,mental, and physical torture. It took me 7 years to leave this man. I got on with life and my two children and became comfortable financially and successful professionally. Then one day , i fell down a flight of 14 steps at work and got injured badly. I eventually lost control of my mobility and had to use a wheelchair. From that moment on, my life began to fall apart. You see, I had repressed all those memories of abuse and had chunks of time that I could not remember or account for.....and it all came flooding back. I had body memories and would uncontrollably vomit when i would remember the worm going in my mouth. I would urinate my pants out of sheer terror of a memory. Then the blackouts started and I would "come to" dressed as a professional man, or a teenage slut, or a little boy with no memory of where was, what I did, or how I got there. My lowest moment was when one of my alters broke into a house a robbed it then danced naked on the owners bar....all the while the owners ran an audio visual company and had hidden cameras in every room of their house. I have been in treatment, including 2 stays at a psych hospital for wanting to commit suicide, for 5 years now. I have lost all my material possessions and many of my former friendships. I just can't see a light at the end of the tunnel and am terrified of what I might do every single day. I just feel like I should be locked up in a psych ward forever or dead. How can i keep on going?

I'm sorry to hear that you went through so much

Things do and can get better, my life has become manageable over time seeing a therapist.
I used to be terrified at the fact that I'd wake up and stuff would be missing, or notes would be written,
and I couldn't do anything, anything at all to maintain a proper lifestyle.

Try and educate yourself as much as you can about the disorder and realize that what's happening to you
isn't your fault, it's the fault of the people who abused you, and you were amazing and creative enough to
keep the abuse from killing you.

Hang in there, honey. I have had lots of low days where I just can't take it anymore, but I force myself to
keep going because I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I wish we all didn't have to go through so much.

DID is absolutely frightening at first, but it's not so bad once you learn to take control of it and how it works in your life. You need to find a psychologist (NOT a psychiatrist) that specializes in DID/dissociative disorders. And as scary as this may sound, you seriously need to open communications with your other sides. Try journaling/leaving notes for them to see and write back to you. I tell this to all newcomers because I 100% stand by this statement: Communication is the KEY component towards a stable system. No, you can't avoid it. Yes, it seriously has to be done. These aren't just imaginary friends, these are seperates sides who need to be treated as seperate human beings from yourself and you need to talk to them as such and try to work things out with them. You need to make compromises but also set strict rules about out-time (when they get to come out, and what they're allowed to do). Be firm, but be reasonable. Don't go in, thinking you can just take charge and tell them what to do. But do put your foot down on bad behavior. Work with a psychologist that actually knows how to deal with DID professionally, someone who will bring out your alters and help you reason with them.

Good luck in your journey, it's going to be a very bumpy ride, but you're always welcome to post here. If you need to discuss anything one on one, not on the main forum, you can PM me any time you want.

I think what's fairly key is having some parts who wish to live in a future. If none do try to find the few things any of them liked and see if you can create a schedule to at least intermittently do some of those things... step into the joy, because that will sustain you with so many shadows. I understand your level of shadows.