my bad

i find myself contemplating suicide every day now, all the time
i want to be free of this

Quicksilver, please don't go by what seems a quick diagnosis. BPD is a popular diagnosis, and it is often used by therapists who want to refer you to someone else, or don't really know what did is, for example. It's really not all that simple, because even the experts and experienced disagree.

It's also true that you can have a variety of psych problems/diagnoses, just as you can have warts, diabetes, a sore throat and vision problems all at once, plus the flu too. Not funny, but that's how it is.

From what I understand did can also underlie BPD, in which case it is important for a therapist to take into account dissociative processes in the BPD treatment, and not treat/assume a 'single' personality.

It is also obvious that with 5 sessions a year your situation is not going to get better, and it won't get better by itself, or just go away, either. So first step: you need support. Whatever forum you exactly visit doesn't really matter, but did may be a real good start to find support. Next: usually there are free mental health services of some sort. See if you can find any that may help you, be it professional or self-help (or both). Then you also want to educate yourself, about did, and you should not expect to find an answer in a few weeks or even months. You need to give yourself a LOT of space and time, and you may as well assume that, however hard, this is going to take years, if not the rest of your life, for growth and improvement to your problems and life. In the meantime, things DO get better if you work at it and keep going at it.

We all need to learn (more) self-love...
And we all need to learn to be more in the present time and reality.
We all need safety and places/people we can trust, in order to heal.
Connecting with other people who understand is really important.
So while you think of all that, please keep coming back.

Pob

For what it's worth, try not to get too hung up on your diagnosis.

DID and other disorders aren't so much a thing you can definitively 'have', per se, even though the effects are very real, it is tricky to diagnose because it isn't like a disease where you can see it on an xray or a blood test.

Just keep in mind that in most cases nobody can really tell you for sure what is going on in your head. A diagnosis is useful so long as it helps with whatever treatment plan you may have, but at times it needs to be taken with a grain of salt as well. Psychologists and therapists can at times seem very authoritative, but remember that there isn't an exact science for this (at least not yet)

i dont care about the dx anymore
im just sick of being like this, i just want it to be over

i feel fine tonight, and it looks like this may have been just a bad bout of depression ill delete it later

glad you're feeling better
-Ker