Hi

Hi all,

I hope it's OK for me to post here. After having lots of different diagnoses (from Schizophrenia to BPD) I recently went for an assessment at a specialist dissociation/trauma clinic. I haven't got the full report back yet, but they've told me that they think it's likely that I have DID (their psychiatrist is just wading through my medical records to try and decide whether it's DID on its own or whether any of my other diagnoses have merit). Eventually, I'll have a shiny report to help me make sense of all this (I hope) and also to give to my psychiatrist who doesn't really get what's going on for me at all.

I guess the reason I'm posting today is that the idea that I have dissociated identities both makes sense to me and terrifies me. I can feel there's alot bubbling under the surface, have groups of voices that I can most of the time and get some pretty weird body sensations. Plus there's the dissociating I get when I'm in therapy or with my husband (and the blank spells). So, whilst I can kinda get my head around it on a 'stand back and look at the evidence' kinda way, and on a 'there's something to this' kinda way, I'm really struggling in other ways.

I have pretty big shame issues already, and in part I'm worried that I've somehow created all of this and I'm just being stupid. I'm worried what it means for me and my future. What it means for me having a family someday. What might happen if I keep going to therapy and look at some of the stuff underneath the surface.

I've been feeling that the way I work is pretty fragile for some time now. It's like I've built a really complicated bridge to avoid it all getting wrecked, but I'm scared that if I even look at the bridge (or even think about it too much) It'll break apart and I won't be able to function. Part of me wants to make sense of it all, and part of me wants to step away from it and close the door.

I'll stop now as I think I'm just rambling.

I guess what I'm looking for is some words of advice, experience or recognition (e.g. if you've ever felt similarly).

Other than that, if you guys are cool with it, I'd like to hang around here and get to know you all a little bit.

Thank you

Welcome. There's nothing to be ashamed of, having DID is not your fault. You seem to be handling life very ell right now and I don't think delving into your mind is going to change that. Have you talked to any of the voices in your head? Can any of them take over for you? If you dissociate in Therapy and with your husband that means that you trust those people enough to let your alters be out.

Thanks - I really appreciate you replying.

I speak to 'The Scream' alot (she's a young girl who screams - either out loud or, more often, silently). She's the only voice I can hear at the moment which I feel quite protective of. I try to reassure her and let her know she's safe. Cus I feel a bit rocked by all this stuff I'm a little less reassuring when I'm reassuring her at the moment, which isn't helping. She doesn't speak back, but I think she will one day.

'The Three' (three men) don't talk with me at all and I'm scared of trying to start to talk with them. I don't know what they'll say (at the moment I can cope cus they mostly just talk negatively about me between themselves - that and say I'm in danger etc). The other voices (i've labelled them 'the not yets' in therapy because whenever I try to talk about them I get v freaked out/zone out/can't speak) - I'm too frightened of to talk to. As far as taking over - not consciously at least. It happens when I'm in certain circumstances (work, when I'm feeling at risk etc) as far as I can tell. Still working it all out, to be honest.

Funny you should say that the reason I dissociate is because I feel safe - my husband said the same thing. He said he felt honoured that I trusted him enough to allow myself to be vulnerable (I've coped this far by not being, you see). I felt safe with my old therapist (mainly cus she was nice but didn't really try to peer inside too much so I felt protected). It began to happen with her a bit, but I started to feel much less safe with her cus I wasn't sure she could deal with it. I've been to see my new therapist only 4 times so far. I'm still trying to work out whether I feel safe with him or not. He's more experienced, but the fact that he is scares me a little too. All down to my worries about poking about inside and collapsing I guess (even though sensibly I know I've got through stuff before and will again).

Thanks for listening

Welcome, brightsidegirl!

Of course it's okay for you to post and look around

brightsidegirl wrote:I have pretty big shame issues already, and in part I'm worried that I've somehow created all of this and I'm just being stupid.

Like J3f said, it's not your fault. Alters are created out of necessity. That's not stupid, and neither is getting help (therapy)

I hope you enjoy it, here!

canolime wrote:Welcome, brightsidegirl!

Of course it's okay for you to post and look around

brightsidegirl wrote:I have pretty big shame issues already, and in part I'm worried that I've somehow created all of this and I'm just being stupid.

Like J3f said, it's not your fault. Alters are created out of necessity. That's not stupid, and neither is getting help (therapy)

I hope you enjoy it, here!

Ditto

Welcome
-Ker

Thank you!