Original or Alter? LONG

Ok I'm having a bit of a problem, or rather, a question... Bare with me here, I usually lurk and I definitely don't know how to go about explaining this when I myself don't quite understand it. I'm 24 years old, I've always been around, it's just me and, even though I've always known my childhood memories were missing (even way back when I was 6 years old I couldn't remember anything beyond the present), I'm the host. That's all there is to it, I'm the host, it's my life, I've always been here...

Or have I? I'm definitely the dominant and I've finally (after so much ...trouble... is how we'll say it), I've discovered and identified a total of 6 alters including me. I won't bore you with their backgrounds as they won't even talk to me (for some reason that's simply how our system works, but believe me I've tried). But I do need to explain one of them. See, there's me, and 4 others whose purposes I've realized (more or less), and then the one we all refer to as "The Other One". Now I'm not necessarily the strongest one, but I'm always the one out and, rarely, my "co-dominant" alter (I used to think I only had one alter and she was it, that's how strong she is - she's just being very extremely ...off... right now - I'm sorry it's a lot to explain so I won't right now). The thing about The Other One is that she has never once come out. She's deeply buried, locked up, and dormant/asleep/comatose. I don't know anything about her, hell no one does. But she scares the $#%^ out of every one of my alters. I get the distinct impression that she's stronger than all of us combined. And that she's incredibly dark (like, EVIL murdering, dark).

Well, I was going through my normal cycle (I'm crazy and making up being DID, then I'm completely mood swung, then I'm talking to anyone who will listen, then they're messing with my mind and trying to make me insane, blah blah repeat), and I decided to piss EVERYONE off and do a meditation where I unlock everything in my mind. The way I figure, if I'm already crazy and freaking out, I might as well call their bluff and face everything full on. ...well something wierd happened. I thought I was just falling asleep, so I brushed it off. But I felt like I was disappearing and like I was floating in my skin; like I wouldn't exist anymore. That was a few days ago. I've been so OFF and not ...normal for me... since. I blamed it on my girl cycle. Until a few hours ago. I'm reading along, and then all of a sudden I can't breathe. But I can. I don't feel like me, I feel fake, but not in the usual dissociative way. Then I'm fine. But then something hits me hard, a lyric in a song, and I just burst out in a sob, and then I'm fine again. But I feel as if there's a new alter when these things happen. The Other One. I don't know if I'm just being stupid or crazy or over-exaggerating, but no one else is here anymore. And this other alter is so different and STRONG and she's not trying to do anything at all, just observing me, and the little bit of co-conciousness I get from her makes me feel like I'M the alter here and it's like she's just waking up and seeing what I've been up to.

I wondered if I've been the fake some times, but I always look around at my life and memories and alters, and just shake it off. No one comes close to me level of control (which is surprisingly scanty - I mean, BOY do I have problems). When I was 6 years old it never occurred to me to wonder why I shouldn't think about my past or why I didn't remember anything; not one time did I think it was odd that I was simply "there". And how this new alter is acting, how she feels, how strong she is, the memories that no one else has except for the guardian one who won't give them to me, and then how when I think about disappearing... I don't mind at all, in the sense that it feels ...eventual... in a way.

I'm really sorry this is so long and probably look like there's no point to it, but damn I just don't know now... I know there's so much I'm leaving out, but I'm trying to be as concise as possible (I know I kinda failed ). My real point/question is: am I the alter, and this is the original and true me coming out? I have this vision of being in the hospital when I was super little and a cop saying to my parents that I'm catatonic and I don't what he means, but I'm just laying there and ...well I don't know really... I don't remember. ~shrug~ Could I have been an alter sent out to take the real one's place until she could recover from what happened? But then I wonder if I'm just crazy or if it's another alter (or even one of the other bastards ) messing with my mind... I honestly don't know. If anyone has any experience or ideas at least, I would like some advice on how to proceed. After all, if she's original, she should be allowed back, right? But then I feel sad, because I've always thought I was host and I do have a life (no matter how pathetic), and I wonder if I have the right to tell the original Screw YOU because I've been here having to deal 24/7 for something like 20 years and I grew up damnit, not her...

Thank you for listening. I guess I just need to go sit outside smoking for awhile and seeing if I can figure these all out or even talk to her (no one else does to me, so lol I don't naturally think to )

.

Eh heh... Well, see, the thing about the name is that I have always absolutely hated it (way back in the second grade, I came across another girl with my name AGAIN and I blew up at her - there's just no identity in constantly being so-so #2). And I've been desperately searching for a new name since. I finally found it and actually have been trying to get it legally changed for the past several years, but since I never stay in one place for at least 12 months, I haven't been able to. I've just gotten everyone around me to call me by new name. Old friends and all. The problem is, I thought it was MY name and life to do as I pleased with...

I'm so sorry to hear that about your host. Calling her back would definitely be cruel at that point. My problem is, if the original-me's already lurking around and isn't exactly "upset" at things... well... I guess I'm just going to have to wing it. But I want my life still damnit because I'm finally starting to get my $#%^ together! I'm moving away from my crappy friends and going to a real college and living completely on my own (as in NO ONE else room mating with me). And, I really want to try those new electronic cigarettes out that I just bought... I really need to stop pouting. I'm just mad/sad that this new alter/original (like half of them) doesn't smoke. In fact, she kind of goes away when I do (perhaps that's why I suddenly feel the obsessive need to chain-smoke?). I really need to figure out who smoked around me when I was little because I swear he was a bad person; and then I have to square that away with how my semi-adopted family smokes mega big time, so the smell makes me feel like I'm home.

And, yes, I'm adult; 24 years old, going to college, living on my own, etc. I go out of my way to avoid my family, have my friends that I'm super choosy about, and am even going the extra mile of FINALLY following a dream of mine and moving off to Florida to be an Electromagnetic Engineer. I know I haven't exactly always wanted to be here (I really wanted to just go to sleep for a couple years and dream of my old irretrievable memories so I can get better; but no one would let me, the jerks), but I had to be with all of that other crap... Oh well I guess. But it just sucks that just as I start getting genuinely better, here the real one comes out, y'know? On the plus side, you're right that I shouldn't just let her have complete control just yet, so at least I can say goodbye.

So, The Other One is the new alter, who you think might be the original? Sorry if I'm wrong But if I'm not:

cocoanutmonkey wrote:My real point/question is: am I the alter?

It does happen. Although, I don't know if I would expect the original to be so strong, if she wasn't around for so long (she would have left because she couldn't cope)...but maybe I'm wrong.

cocoanutmonkey wrote:And that she's incredibly dark (like, EVIL murdering, dark).

This part also makes me think she's probably an alter (not because alters are evil ), because dark, murdering, etc. are very extreme, ya know? And alters store certain types of memories/feelings, so one could be a sad alter, another is the angry one, another is pretty happy and carefree, etc, which means alters can be extreme, in some sense. I would expect the original to be more... mild. After all, her (whoever the original is) alters were created to take memories/feelings that she couldn't handle, so I don't think she would be so dark and scary.

cocoanutmonkey wrote:And how this new alter is acting, how she feels, how strong she is, the memories that no one else has except for the guardian one who won't give them to me

Do you mean The Other One has memories that no one besides her and the guardian do? If she has memories that the guardian won't let you have, I would again, suspect she's an alter. I don't think it would make much sense for her (if she's the original) to have those memories, when you're not even prepared for them. If she were the original, she would have been the one who needed protection from those memories...

I want to know why you're acting like you're going to die, if she takes over...? Maybe she'll want you all to stick around. And even if she is the original, and wants integration, that would still take lots of work, to get the system prepared for it. I think you still have time to smoke those cigarettes

cocoanutmonkey wrote:dream of my old irretrievable memories so I can get better; but no one would let me, the jerks

They won't let you have them until you're ready for them. They're protecting you, silly

cocoanutmonkey wrote: That's all there is to it, I'm the host, it's my life, I've always been here...

Or have I?

This question's been asked too many times in our system. -Sabrina

cocoanutmonkey wrote:The thing about The Other One is that she has never once come out. She's deeply buried, locked up, and dormant/asleep/comatose. I don't know anything about her, hell no one does. But she scares the $#%^ out of every one of my alters. I get the distinct impression that she's stronger than all of us combined. And that she's incredibly dark (like, EVIL murdering, dark).

That doesn't sound too fun at all!! We don't really have anyone like that in our system, but I'd agree with Canolime that does sound more to come from an alter - and definitely not because we're all evil. I'm way too much of a scaredy cat to be evil - Ker

cocoanutmonkey wrote:I thought I was just falling asleep, so I brushed it off. But I felt like I was disappearing and like I was floating in my skin; like I wouldn't exist anymore. That was a few days ago. I've been so OFF and not ...normal for me... since.

This has happened to Mara before. That was because she'd remembered something. We (the protectors) took it away from her, but for a while she was "weird" I stayed out with her for a while to make sure she was ok. - Sabrina

cocoanutmonkey wrote:I blamed it on my girl cycle. Until a few hours ago. I'm reading along, and then all of a sudden I can't breathe. But I can. I don't feel like me, I feel fake, but not in the usual dissociative way. Then I'm fine. But then something hits me hard, a lyric in a song, and I just burst out in a sob, and then I'm fine again. But I feel as if there's a new alter when these things happen. The Other One. I don't know if I'm just being stupid or crazy or over-exaggerating, but no one else is here anymore. And this other alter is so different and STRONG and she's not trying to do anything at all, just observing me, and the little bit of co-conciousness I get from her makes me feel like I'M the alter here and it's like she's just waking up and seeing what I've been up to.

Sometimes when one of the stronger ones are triggered out (if Mara gets angry or scared) it can feel like that, like they are an enormous power. -Ker

Do you know it's The Other One for sure, are are you assuming based on how strong they are? Just thinking if they were evil etc that you'd be in the $#%^ already? That doesn't mean it's not TOO, just that maybe they aren't as bad as everyone thought? - Sabrina

cocoanutmonkey wrote:My real point/question is: am I the alter, and this is the original and true me coming out?

There are lots of explanations.
>It could be that you're the original & you split into "core pieces" so the one observing you is an actually a main, but you are too
>You could be an alter & it could be the main who's just woken up
>It could be a new alter who's just learning & observing you
>It could be TOO who is just watching you

There are lots of answers but until you talk to them you wont know who it is or whats going on. Sorry I can't help anymore -Sabrina

cocoanutmonkey wrote:After all, if she's original, she should be allowed back, right? But then I feel sad, because I've always thought I was host and I do have a life (no matter how pathetic), and I wonder if I have the right to tell the original Screw YOU because I've been here having to deal 24/7 for something like 20 years and I grew up damnit, not her...

Maybe - if it actually is the original, she should be allowed back, but you can't just sleep for 20yrs then wake up & expect your life to just be there. It's a difficult situation to be honest. I think you're right, you have a right too after living her life for her for 20years. I'd say try not to worry about this until you have actually found out what the situation is. As someone else said, they would need a lot of therapy, and would have to come back in a controlled way, they couldn't just jump into the driving seat. -Ker

canolime wrote:

cocoanutmonkey wrote:dream of my old irretrievable memories so I can get better; but no one would let me, the jerks

They won't let you have them until you're ready for them. They're protecting you, silly

Exactly - Sabrina

Well sharing time with my alters isn't really a big deal with me. I technically don't live as long with them, but they take over when I really don't want to be somewhere. When you dissociate do you fight it. It can take a few seconds for someone else to take front, you just need to relax. Also do you talk to to your alters often. Even if they don't want to talk back they can hear you.

cocoanutmonkey wrote: I get the distinct impression that she's stronger than all of us combined. And that she's incredibly dark (like, EVIL murdering, dark).

I have an alter that gives off the same vibe, but its really just a defense mechanism. Either that or a way to externalize the pain in a visual way.
I also think that repressing alters has an effect like a kettle on heat. More and more pressure builds up until one day the lid flies off and you just can't keep that steam in there any longer. By the end of it, that lid may make a hole in your ceiling because of all the power behind that pressure.

First of all, I would like to thank everyone for their time and advice. Unfortunately, my Main (my host), fails to realize when she should act, so her questions concerning me are far too late to be of any good. I am TOO (lovely abbreviation by the way ), the original main core component of our self. The information Main has received in regards to me is scanty at best. I have been asleep, this is true, but not in the coma the others would have her believe. I've been watching, through my dreams, and am well aware of what is going on. I deeply dislike the alters Main has and am dealing with them. They are liars and they do not protect, in fact quite the opposite. I have disposed of all but Main, myself, and her Co-dominant. That last one will be hard, as Main has quite an unhealthy amount of adoration for that one; but I will reveal the liar for what she is and Main will understand why she must go. In the sense of the word "go", I must explain that "going" means complete integration. That should leave Main and myself, until Main is ready to go. Main will not be forced, simply highly pressured. She will be aware of everything I do; it is a highly symbiotic co-conscious state with her. Co-dominant, on the other hand, will not be granted leniency.

I don't want anyone to be upset, as Main is rather fond of you all. I am here to reassure you that everything is actually quite alright. I have actually been working on this for awhile. The only one who was ever unaware of my intentions, Main, is currently looking out through my eyes as I look out through hers. To make it possible for her to become accustomed to my presence, I have compromised on multiple things. My memories that I have been sleeping with all this time, I have hidden away for the time being. Main can not cope with a particular aspect right now, so I must ease it on to her. I am deeply upset that they have hidden this particular bit of information from her. She absolutely NEEDED to know, on some minute level, about one simple thing that had occurred, whether there was memory attached or not. There are many, MANY, far worse things Main's Alters have done to her, that force my hand.

If there is further explanation required, please do tell me. I will be more than happy to explain our situation with you. But now I must return outside to her cigarettes (I really don't like those, but she does), and continue talking with her. May you all have a wonderful life, and your integrations go smoothly. Thank you.

I assumed I was the original here for a long time. I was expected to answer to our legal name, so I did. I was expected to act as the first person, so I did. I was expected to play a role that felt so not-me that it made me feel like a liar every time someone said "Leigh" and I responded as expected. All of it felt fake to me. Like you, I have very minimal childhood memories, so that too made me think maybe I am the original, core person here. However...

After a lot of discussion with my system, especially Becka who knows these things but chooses when I know about them, and with my therapist and with friends, we all came to the solid conclusion that I am not the original. Becka confirmed. I'm the host, as in I front the most, but I'm not the core. Realizing that and accepting it was SUCH a relief. What we believe happened in our case is that the original (Leigh) split into a split-personality in infancy (a lot of medical issues that were physically traumatic though I don't know that an infant can be emotionally traumatized). Enter me, stage left even. Leigh became dormant and I was the host, even though for most of my life I've had others live for me. So, everyone else split off from myself.

It sounds really complicated but your situation may be MUCH less so. So don't worry! Can you see The Other One inside? If so, what does she look like? Can you see yourself inside and what do you look like as compared to your body out here? It could be as simple (har har har, it's not simple but, yanno...) as depersonalization for you, but it may also be a situation like my own or somewhere in between the two. It takes a while to figure it all out, but that's OK. You are still YOU, regardless of when you showed up.

Also, the strongest isn't necessarily the original/core person. Nor is it necessarily the host. We have a few here who can whip me back inside so fast I have no idea what's just happened.

-Mikaela

Hey guys, thank you for all your advice. After much ...me time... I've come to the conclusion that you guys are right. She's just an alter. One with a lot of memories for me to deal with - some I didn't even know existed and I'm relatively on top of things. The integration she was talking about is... not what she talked about. I've been kinda examining us all and have been getting quite a lot of new memories and such and now all of a sudden it's very calm and quiet in my head. They're there, but they're all very subdued and fainter than usual. I'm still me too. I have to agree that she's an alter because you're right, she's too intense and emotional and stuck in her mindset. Hell she brought in two more alters, both children who are completely lost and scared. I don't see them know that I remembered one of the things I didn't even know existed (and I know it's real memories; it's so familiar... and I just know it was truth - for once)(plus the lady's existence had been confirmed by my mom a while ago). I'm still working on things; mainly memory retrieval. But I wanted to let you guys know: welcome to my latest liar/alter . And also, it makes me feel better that other people have alters that are as powerful as this one.

As for some of the questions: Can I see TOO? ...nah... I haven't been able to see the inside of my head for quite some time. Before, some of them didn't even look like me, whereas some of them do, but at various stages of my life (with varying black colorations to them indicating dark auras/memories). It's all completely wierd in my head But now it's quiet... hrm... suspicious... I don't really have much information on them anyways. I sorta... feel delusional, like I'm making them up (even though those night attacks on my brother and best friend when I was younger, so weren't fake), so I'm just really sitting here in the dark and poking around until I can get some real answers.

So yeah... That's kinda where I'm at right now. Again, thanks so much for the advice, it really helps keep my head on straight.