Advice... am I DID truly?

Sorry

Collingwood wrote:I also have a really hard time saying my own name in my head, as if I can't latch onto that identity/feel like I'm not allowed to? I also can spend copious amounts of time looking in the mirror and I often spend extended periods in the bathroom and am always glancing/gazing at my reflection when Im around it, but not because I'm vain (I have pretty hilariously low self esteem... I really impress myself sometimes!), but almost because the image doesn't seem to get "old", I never get "used to it".

Some people don't feel like their birth-name is theirs (and sometimes they're actually right ). I love my name, but I've always thought I don't feel as connected to it, as other people do to theirs. Ah, the mirror... do you mean the reflection looks kind of... off? I don't recognize myself. I mean, I know it's me I just don't see what I think I look like, so it's a bit of a surprise every time I go by a mirror

Collingwood wrote:But recently something happened when I took a back seat and heard other identities coming through. One night in particular, I "watched" and "listened" as different characters acted through me if I let my body relax. They named themselves, spoke to my girlfriend, expressed intense and abrupt emotions... (and since they have made their first, explosive appearance earlier this year, my emotions spiked and were out of control, whereas before I was stone-cold most of the time) and have since kind of sat quietly but were talking to me incessantly in my head for a period after. Some were nice, a lot of the talking was quite abusive, and some just neutral. I have a weird experience as I fall asleep nightly, too: I think I hear snippets of conversations... and my dreams are extremely bizarre and vivid. I have had a few dreams where it was "True" that I had DID and was "told" that there is a setup in place wherein a "Guardian" who has limited access to memories operates on the surface. Have you ever gotten messages in your dreams?

Sounds DID, to me (but I'm not a psychologist, so I can't diagnose or anything). The part I put in bold, is called co-consciousness. I think odd, vivid dreams can be common with DID. Out of curiosity, when you say bizarre, how bizarre are we talking about? Maybe that last "dream" wasn't really a dream... more like someone trying to tell you about it, while they have your attention Or maybe you were just worrying too much about having DID?
Do they still talk to you? Do you talk back?


You don't necessarily have to have blackouts. If you're co-conscious with them, there probably wouldn't be any lost time.

I don't think you're psychotic

Some people don't feel like their birth-name is theirs (and sometimes they're actually right ). I love my name, but I've always thought I don't feel as connected to it, as other people do to theirs. Ah, the mirror... do you mean the reflection looks kind of... off? I don't recognize myself. I mean, I know it's me I just don't see what I think I look like, so it's a bit of a surprise every time I go by a mirror

Yes, thats it, it's a surprise. Well, it is and it isn't. It's hard to describe, haha.

Sounds DID, to me (but I'm not a psychologist, so I can't diagnose or anything). The part I put in bold, is called co-consciousness. I think odd, vivid dreams can be common with DID. Out of curiosity, when you say bizarre, how bizarre are we talking about? Maybe that last "dream" wasn't really a dream... more like someone trying to tell you about it, while they have your attention Or maybe you were just worrying too much about having DID?
Do they still talk to you? Do you talk back?

Co-conciousness would explain a lot, if it's true. It woudl definitely sum up the experience I had when I went through a few months of having some "barriers" broken down suddenly, and we could converse and basically experience everything together at the same time.
and the bizarre dreams are... well... very bizarre. I'm always in a weird, vivid, alternative reality that changes rapidly, expanding and morphing a lot. Last night I dreamt that I was in a dark brown family house in the forest, met a couple of claymation puppies in their bedroom, then had to usher a crowd of cats on the patio into the house while a weird, surreal, phantom black/white cat looked at me from the corner. Then the claymation puppy told me to cut a medium sized piece of chocolate cake in the kitchen for HIS puppy... I put a piece of crumbly cake in a glass and it dissolved into an acrid white wine that would have burned the pet's throat. I record my dreams daily and can write for over an hour sometimes!

And now the barriers are up, or are going up again, so I cant really communicate with them very well anymore, unless its through drawing, and I cant decipher the messages through that means anymore either... only acknowledge that something is coming through. As I fall asleep, I can discern what I think are fuzzy voices... white noise that I might just be imagining, but even so, it happens as I'm falling asleep/am very tired.

I don't think you're psychotic

Well, that would be a relief... I think! Thanks for your reply!

Collingwood wrote:I also have a really hard time saying my own name in my head, as if I can't latch onto that identity/feel like I'm not allowed to? I also can spend copious amounts of time looking in the mirror and I often spend extended periods in the bathroom and am always glancing/gazing at my reflection when Im around it, but not because I'm vain (I have pretty hilariously low self esteem... I really impress myself sometimes!), but almost because the image doesn't seem to get "old", I never get "used to it".

I can really relate to this. I loathe mirrors but I seek them anyway, I need to be able to catch a glance of myself as if I was "checking" that I was real or something. Sometimes I will stare at the face in the mirror with astonishment at the idea that this thing hanging from my mind is a body that people associate with the differents parts of me... It makes me laugh, in a way. The relation we have with our birh name is interesting. I think in my case it is the contrary, the person who was born with that name has disappeared but the name itself never ceased to be mine. If I was to use the vocabulary of someone who has been diagnosed with DID, I would say that I know very well that I am an alter. I am also the closest thing to a host that we have at the moment.

Collingwood wrote:But recently something happened when I took a back seat and heard other identities coming through. One night in particular, I "watched" and "listened" as different characters acted through me if I let my body relax. They named themselves, spoke to my girlfriend, expressed intense and abrupt emotions... (and since they have made their first, explosive appearance earlier this year, my emotions spiked and were out of control, whereas before I was stone-cold most of the time) and have since kind of sat quietly but were talking to me incessantly in my head for a period after. Some were nice, a lot of the talking was quite abusive, and some just neutral. I have a weird experience as I fall asleep nightly, too: I think I hear snippets of conversations... and my dreams are extremely bizarre and vivid. I have had a few dreams where it was "True" that I had DID and was "told" that there is a setup in place wherein a "Guardian" who has limited access to memories operates on the surface. Have you ever gotten messages in your dreams?

Perhaps... I've always had very vivid dreams, in particular about every three months, there's always a succession of 3 or 4 days when my dreams will be like a LSD trip and really affect/hurt me for several days or even weeks. Last month I dreamt about something so disturbing that I wouldn't snap out of it for 2 weeks, I was awfully awkard with the people who were in the dream when I saw them in real life. Does your girlfriend remember who spoke to her when your others came out? Do you remember who they are? It must be nice to have names for them

Don't worry, that's not psychosis, I agree

Collingwood wrote:Yes, thats it, it's a surprise. Well, it is and it isn't. It's hard to describe, haha.

Okay

Collingwood wrote:and the bizarre dreams are... well... very bizarre. I'm always in a weird, vivid, alternative reality that changes rapidly, expanding and morphing a lot. Last night I dreamt that I was in a dark brown family house in the forest, met a couple of claymation puppies in their bedroom, then had to usher a crowd of cats on the patio into the house while a weird, surreal, phantom black/white cat looked at me from the corner. Then the claymation puppy told me to cut a medium sized piece of chocolate cake in the kitchen for HIS puppy... I put a piece of crumbly cake in a glass and it dissolved into an acrid white wine that would have burned the pet's throat. I record my dreams daily and can write for over an hour sometimes!

Wow, when you said bizarre... I've had maybe a few that were that weird. Do you have those, every night?

Collingwood wrote:and I cant decipher the messages through that means anymore either... only acknowledge that something is coming through.

Would you mind explaining that, further?

The white noise at night, could be you hearing them talk, in the background.

I can really relate to this. I loathe mirrors but I seek them anyway, I need to be able to catch a glance of myself as if I was "checking" that I was real or something. Sometimes I will stare at the face in the mirror with astonishment at the idea that this thing hanging from my mind is a body that people associate with the differents parts of me... It makes me laugh, in a way. The relation we have with our birh name is interesting. I think in my case it is the contrary, the person who was born with that name has disappeared but the name itself never ceased to be mine. If I was to use the vocabulary of someone who has been diagnosed with DID, I would say that I know very well that I am an alter. I am also the closest thing to a host that we have at the moment.

Yeah, that's pretty much exactly it. Although what you say about knowing that you're an alter... how do you know? Where does your sure feelings come from?

Perhaps... I've always had very vivid dreams, in particular about every three months, there's always a succession of 3 or 4 days when my dreams will be like a LSD trip and really affect/hurt me for several days or even weeks. Last month I dreamt about something so disturbing that I wouldn't snap out of it for 2 weeks, I was awfully awkard with the people who were in the dream when I saw them in real life. Does your girlfriend remember who spoke to her when your others came out? Do you remember who they are? It must be nice to have names for them

Wow, I wonder what is going on in your head that would express itself by following such a regular pattern. I haven't actually had dreams that affected me too terribly for too long thankfully... I can stay pretty detached and break off of what I feel in the dream really quickly actually. I know for sure that DMT is known to be involved in the production of dreams, which when ingested while awake will give the user quite a trip, like LSD. I wonder if your brain could be overproducting DMT at certain points during the day, or has become disrupted so as to cycle inappropriate amounts at inappropriate times in general! I have used DMT a couple of times and when I was at my worst with the "crazy" symptoms, I noted similarities between my waking reality and the trip. So it was like my subconscious, or "inner" world, the world where the dreams come from, was bleeding into my wakeful life.

And yes my girlfriend remembers very well, unfortunately... we have all kinds of evidence in the form of drawings, letters, etc types of things. It's kind of nice... only, I don't know if those were their "real" names at all, or that any of them were lying to us when they said they were "someone else". We were deliberately mislead in mammoth proportions by them at times Sometimes I wish I could forget their names!

Wow, when you said bizarre... I've had maybe a few that were that weird. Do you have those, every night?

Pretty much, yes, and most of them they get even weirder. It's become a kind of vacation actually, because I often feel like I'm worn out by not being able to take a break from living in the "real world". They are so bizarre and so fascinating, that I also want to immerse myself in them because I feel like they must mean something or be representing something about what's going on inside/why my life goes the way it goes. http://occiputeye.wordpress.com <--- a link to the dream journal - not that you have to read it (they wouldnt make sense ) but just to see how long some of these things can be

Would you mind explaining that, further?

when I say I can feel that something is coming through, I mean to say that when I get intrusive thoughts, or when I feel like my thoughts are being wrestled in directions they don't want to go, I usually get pokes, prods, jerks, or other localized muscle palpatations (legs, arms, face, head, temples). I also can allow my hand to relax when Im drawing or writing and will be able to see it carry on even though I'm not telling it which way to go. One of my hobbies is drawing, so if I allow it, it will alter my drawings and seems to have artistic ability because it has even improved on what I was trying to make I've done this while askng questions in my head and have gotten a response, too; recently, I drew a "Y" and an "N" and put the pen down when asking a question, then set the pen in motion but didn't direct it. It would go to either side with each question I asked. although I did ask it if it lied to me often, and it said yes. So this is a pointless exercise... I think there is someone, or something, or everyone, who is hostile towards me at the moment.

The white noise at night, could be you hearing them talk, in the background.

Yeah... it sure seems like it sometimes. I have heard some really clear and distinct voice-like sounds and conversations before. It's getting harder for me to hear it, but it has been pretty loud. Lately it's been picking up a little again though. If you have these symptoms too or have heard about them, do you hear conversations between voices that you recognize? Do they make sense, and has this symptom stayed the same over time... or has the nature of it changed?

Collingwood wrote:Pretty much, yes, and most of them they get even weirder. It's become a kind of vacation actually, because I often feel like I'm worn out by not being able to take a break from living in the "real world". They are so bizarre and so fascinating, that I also want to immerse myself in them because I feel like they must mean something or be representing something about what's going on inside/why my life goes the way it goes. http://occiputeye.wordpress.com <--- a link to the dream journal - not that you have to read it (they wouldnt make sense ) but just to see how long some of these things can be

As long as you enjoy them Yeah, they have to mean something. They are very interesting. I think I'll really like reading about them... thanks for the link to them

Collingwood wrote:when I say I can feel that something is coming through, I mean to say that when I get intrusive thoughts, or when I feel like my thoughts are being wrestled in directions they don't want to go, I usually get pokes, prods, jerks, or other localized muscle palpatations (legs, arms, face, head, temples). I also can allow my hand to relax when Im drawing or writing and will be able to see it carry on even though I'm not telling it which way to go. One of my hobbies is drawing, so if I allow it, it will alter my drawings and seems to have artistic ability because it has even improved on what I was trying to make I've done this while askng questions in my head and have gotten a response, too; recently, I drew a "Y" and an "N" and put the pen down when asking a question, then set the pen in motion but didn't direct it. It would go to either side with each question I asked. although I did ask it if it lied to me often, and it said yes. So this is a pointless exercise... I think there is someone, or something, or everyone, who is hostile towards me at the moment.

Oh, okay Yeah, I kind of know that part about the thoughts. Are those jerks and stuff from alters? I always felt like they were, because of the timing, but I thought I was making too much of things I wonder...
Wow (to the Y and N part) No, I don't think it's pointless. J lies to me, sometimes, but I still get a lot of good information from her. Just kind of stay open to options, I guess. Take what they say and mentally file it under "maybe"
Have you tried writing to them? Do you think that would work? If they can use the pen... might be worth a shot. There could be someone who's mad at you

Collingwood wrote:Yeah... it sure seems like it sometimes. I have heard some really clear and distinct voice-like sounds and conversations before. It's getting harder for me to hear it, but it has been pretty loud. Lately it's been picking up a little again though. If you have these symptoms too or have heard about them, do you hear conversations between voices that you recognize? Do they make sense, and has this symptom stayed the same over time... or has the nature of it changed?

I hear J and C talking back and forth, sometimes. And I hear a constant hum (what you described as white noise) of chatter, that makes it hard to concentrate. Sometimes the chatter is less, sometimes it's more. The voices make sense, yes. Do yours not make sense? If they don't, is it that they're speaking in a non logical way, or speaking gibberish, or another language, or what? The background noise didn't really bother me, when I was little, but when I was 16, I had a horrible amount of stress, and the noise got so loud that I couldn't focus on anything. It's still really loud, but like I said: it goes up and down. As for the clear voices, I'm not even sure when those started (sometime, when I was a kid). But I know I became really aware of them, when I was 18, and having detailed arguments with them

I get really intensely vivid and extremely bizzare dreams too!

And also about the birth name thing. I have a long birth name. It commonly gets shortened to an obvious "nickname". I haven't used my complete birth name in many, many years. It makes me feel really uncomfortable to hear it.

Thanks for the really interesting thread everyone!

Collingwood wrote:Yeah, that's pretty much exactly it. Although what you say about knowing that you're an alter... how do you know? Where does your sure feelings come from?

It's a good question, I wish I could have a better answer but it is just a very strong gut feeling. I have not always been there, but I'm fine with that actually, for me it doesn't mean that i have no legitimacy. I have to make an effort to emphasize with any memory I have from before about 2 years ago. I have completely continuous memories of the present year and of last year too, but the 6 years or so before that, especially when I was really suicidal, are blurry. But the memories are available if I look for them, at least from the past, say, 12 years. It's like I have to take responsibility for things I haven't done, but I do it gladly because I can take it now and it makes my friends and family feel better. I have many flaws, but I've worked hard to help them forget the trauma 'i' have caused. They feel like my name has got better and that they can mostly trust us, that's why it is in my interest to stick with the birth-name.

Collingwood wrote:Wow, I wonder what is going on in your head that would express itself by following such a regular pattern. I haven't actually had dreams that affected me too terribly for too long thankfully... I can stay pretty detached and break off of what I feel in the dream really quickly actually. I know for sure that DMT is known to be involved in the production of dreams, which when ingested while awake will give the user quite a trip, like LSD. I wonder if your brain could be overproducting DMT at certain points during the day, or has become disrupted so as to cycle inappropriate amounts at inappropriate times in general! I have used DMT a couple of times and when I was at my worst with the "crazy" symptoms, I noted similarities between my waking reality and the trip. So it was like my subconscious, or "inner" world, the world where the dreams come from, was bleeding into my wakeful life.

Wow, i am definitely going to investgate this DMT thing The 'bleeding into the wakeful life' sounds a lot like it, except that I was kinda trapped in it. These days are blurry too, I really wasn't in control of my thoughts. Every morning I was on the bus on my way to work and I had to say "shut up!", "go away!", "cut it out" out loud otherwise I would be thrown back into the dream, I HATE this feeling, I couldn't even see what was in front of me. And it was all the weirder that I don't live in an English-speaking country so I guess people were like "wtf is wrong with that one?". Thankfully it's gone now. I am easily attracted to drugs and such, and have been talking about trying LSD with my friend recently. I am terrified of what would come out, I don't want to scare him, but at the same time I am convinced that it would be easier to meet the others, if they are still there, with LSD. I've tried to write down some of my dreams too, I'll definitely read yours tonight!

Collingwood wrote:And yes my girlfriend remembers very well, unfortunately... we have all kinds of evidence in the form of drawings, letters, etc types of things. It's kind of nice... only, I don't know if those were their "real" names at all, or that any of them were lying to us when they said they were "someone else". We were deliberately mislead in mammoth proportions by them at times Sometimes I wish I could forget their names!

Why do you think they lied to you when they said they were 'someone else'? Do you have any memory of writing these letters? I've never tried automatic drawing, I've never been able to draw anything else than women or mermaids. I do think it is nice that they were willing to give you names, etc, even if you think they are not the actual names (may i ask why?). I use "birthname 1", "birthname 2", etc, to refer to others, no choice. Would you mind telling us why you wish you could forget the names?