New and confused - Hi!

canolime wrote:Wow Maybe the one asking to play cards or boardgames, wasn't you...

Oh... I didn't even think about that Sounds like someone younger, doesn't it? I have no clue, I don't remember.

canolime wrote:The aggressiveness, paranoia, cheating, etc... were you really just watching yourself do it, but not participating? Or was it more like feeling compelled to do it? I know it can be a little hard to tell, sometimes (especially before you know about DID ), but to the best of your recollection...? Because the part I've highlighted, sounds a little Borderline (BPD), to me (I'm not a doctor, though). That doesn't mean you don't have DID... maybe you have both, or maybe an alter has it (yes, that can happen )... or maybe I'm just completely wrong

Wow, I just did a bit of reading about BPD, it does sound a hell of a lot like that. In fact everything matches. But saying that it was 'me' sounds all wrong. The way I remember it, it might as well have been a friend of mine, a long time ago, the memories I have are of watching another person explode. I'm pretty sure this person has been gone for a couple of years, it doesn't feel like me, at all... Some of the BPD symptoms can be applied to me too, I'm not the most stable person, but not the violent ones anymore. And yeah, as far as I can recall, I was watching during the episodes, i just couldn't prevent myself from acting that way but I certainly never derived satisfaction from it...

Hydes wrote:despite my high resistance to drunkenness, one drink could send me into a blackout for hours, and then I was pure evil apparently.

canolime wrote:That's odd. Maybe it is an alter. May I ask, how do you know you have a high resistance, if you blackout after one drink?

Because it doesn't happen all the time (THANK GOD)! In general I can drink with everyone and end up completely hammered, but still "in there". I have a trick that has worked pretty well for the past few months: if I repeat in my head the words "focus!" and "you're here" during the evening out I don't black out... but sometimes it's hard to remember to do it. But when I can it works. Could that mean that I've been unwittingly "locking up" an alter? (I don't really understand what 'locking up' someone means, or how it can be done. Is it by being constantly on your guards?)

I can't find the reference to mermaids again, sorry Perhaps I'm wrong and it was only a character trait of GID... Oh and I've tried the notebook thing... didn't work

Hydes wrote:

canolime wrote:Wow Maybe the one asking to play cards or boardgames, wasn't you...

Oh... I didn't even think about that Sounds like someone younger, doesn't it? I have no clue, I don't remember.

Yeah, it does.

Hydes wrote:

canolime wrote:The aggressiveness, paranoia, cheating, etc... were you really just watching yourself do it, but not participating? Or was it more like feeling compelled to do it? I know it can be a little hard to tell, sometimes (especially before you know about DID ), but to the best of your recollection...? Because the part I've highlighted, sounds a little Borderline (BPD), to me (I'm not a doctor, though). That doesn't mean you don't have DID... maybe you have both, or maybe an alter has it (yes, that can happen )... or maybe I'm just completely wrong

Wow, I just did a bit of reading about BPD, it does sound a hell of a lot like that. In fact everything matches. But saying that it was 'me' sounds all wrong. The way I remember it, it might as well have been a friend of mine, a long time ago, the memories I have are of watching another person explode. I'm pretty sure this person has been gone for a couple of years, it doesn't feel like me, at all... Some of the BPD symptoms can be applied to me too, I'm not the most stable person, but not the violent ones anymore. And yeah, as far as I can recall, I was watching during the episodes, i just couldn't prevent myself from acting that way but I certainly never derived satisfaction from it...

Okay, then it was an alter (or another alter ). Early on, I was going to say you might be an alter, but I didn't want to freak you out or anything
Since all alters have a purpose and store certain emotions/memories, it's kind of mean to call them evil, even if they're acting like it... just saying There's a very good reason for everything that they are.

Hydes wrote:Because it doesn't happen all the time (THANK GOD)! In general I can drink with everyone and end up completely hammered, but still "in there". I have a trick that has worked pretty well for the past few months: if I repeat in my head the words "focus!" and "you're here" during the evening out I don't black out... but sometimes it's hard to remember to do it. But when I can it works. Could that mean that I've been unwittingly "locking up" an alter? (I don't really understand what 'locking up' someone means, or how it can be done. Is it by being constantly on your guards?)

Oh and I've tried the notebook thing... didn't work

Oh, okay. It's good that you've found a way to stay present Locking them up is different. That's when you build a cell/room in your mind, and actually lock them up in it.

Okay, some alters won't write anything Or maybe they just need more time...

canolime wrote:Okay, then it was an alter (or another alter ). Early on, I was going to say you might be an alter, but I didn't want to freak you out or anything
Since all alters have a purpose and store certain emotions/memories, it's kind of mean to call them evil, even if they're acting like it... just saying There's a very good reason for everything that they are.]

I am an alter, you wouldn't have I've only been around for two years and sporadically before that. The BPD one was mostly in control before I came round, and the girl too. I don't want to be mean to them but they can't handle anything, I know they didn't mean any harm but harm is what they did. In her defense, the girl is better organised than I am, but she's also manipulative. It's such a relief to speak here, everything is falling into place -- well, at least a few things I'm still worried about therapy though... I know some people are better off, but I don't want things to get out of hands... plus I haven't been diagnosed and feel a bit presomptuous "diagnosing myself".

canoline wrote:Oh, okay. It's good that you've found a way to stay present Locking them up, is different. That's when you build a cell/room in your mind, and actually lock them up in it.

Oh, ok... I still don't understand how it works though The cell is a mental projection, but the alters are real, how can it stop them? Sorry if that's a stupid question!

Oh and I don't think you're weird, I'm still sure that an obsession for an ever-transitioning character like a mermaid has something to do with dissociation as well. Do you still think they're evil?

Hydes wrote:I am an alter, you wouldn't have

Okay

Hydes wrote:I don't want to be mean to them but they can't handle anything, I know they didn't mean any harm but harm is what they did.

Yeah, I know...
Is the one who seems to have BPD, a guy or a girl? Just wondering

Hydes wrote:It's such a relief to speak here, everything is falling into place -- well, at least a few things I'm still worried about therapy though... I know some people are better off, but I don't want things to get out of hands... plus I haven't been diagnosed and feel a bit presomptuous "diagnosing myself".

I'm glad you like it here Well, whatever you think is best. It could take some time to find someone who specializes in DID, though. And if Mr. Bates were around, he would tell you to make sure whoever you find is a psychologist, not a psychiatrist, because psychiatrists give out pills and there is no pill for DID... things that accompany it (i.e. depression, anxiety, etc.), yes, but not for the actual DID. Yeah, self-diagnosis... but if it fits so well... *shrugs*

Hydes wrote:Oh, ok... I still don't understand how it works though The cell is a mental projection, but the alters are real, how can it stop them? Sorry if that's a stupid question!

It's not a stupid question Most multiples have internal rooms, houses, etc. When one of you is controlling the body, the others are somewhere inside the mind. The cells are built inside Now, if you're blacked out, you probably won't see anything, because you're not conscious at that time But if someone is conscious, but not in control of the body, they'll see the room/house. Can you kind of "see" a room or something, if you look inwards? Might be harder to notice, if you don't really talk with the others... when I look at my alters, I see them in a room.
So you pick a spot, visualize building the cell, installing locks, etc. Then find the alter, place them in the cell, and lock the door. That alter shouldn't be able to take control of the body, while locked up. Unless he/she is set free by someone who has keys, or I guess if the alter escapes on its own. I hope that wasn't too confusing. I wish someone else would describe it, too

Hydes wrote:Oh and I don't think you're weird, I'm still sure that an obsession for an ever-transitioning character like a mermaid has something to do with dissociation as well. Do you still think they're evil?

Okay Uh... I kind of have... separations of feelings towards mermaids. It's like I can see or think of a certain part of the whole mermaid concept, and remember how much I love them... but as soon as I look over to the next part, I think of them as evil. So I don't know what to think You know, that separation thing sounds kind of DID-ish, huh?

canolime wrote:Yeah, I know...
Is the one who seems to have BPD, a guy or a girl? Just wondering

I've been wondering too. I lean towards saying it's male, but we've never, ever talked -- in my defense i didn't even know I existed when "he" was there. But at the same time, male / female determinism makes me uncomfortable and this person might also be a very violent female. It is someone who doesn't need a gender, its dominant traits are anger, hatred and self-harm. It's so good that I've been the "main tom" for 2 years, our life had never been "continuous" before, this seems like the only way to be stable, but i sense that the others are not far away though. Except from the kid. She's nowhere to be found and I'm not sure it should be that way.

canolime wrote:I'm glad you like it here Well, whatever you think is best. It could take some time to find someone who specializes in DID, though. And if Mr. Bates were around, he would tell you to make sure whoever you find is a psychologist, not a psychiatrist, because psychiatrists give out pills and there is no pill for DID... things that accompany it (i.e. depression, anxiety, etc.), yes, but not for the actual DID. Yeah, self-diagnosis... but if it fits so well... *shrugs*

Oh yeah, I've made this mistake before... never again. Took pills twice for about 2-3 years each time, the first time it just made her (I wish I had a name, this is so weird) really depressed, the second time (BPD person) was either completely hyper (scared the $#%^ out of girlfriend) or extremely suicidal (scared the $#%^ out of girlfriend)... In the end we killed ourselves (tried) so there. Never again.

canolime wrote:It's not a stupid question Most multiples have internal rooms, houses, etc. When one of you is controlling the body, the others are somewhere inside the mind. The cells are built inside Now, if you're blacked out, you probably won't see anything, because you're not conscious at that time But if someone is conscious, but not in control of the body, they'll see the room/house. Can you kind of "see" a room or something, if you look inwards? Might be harder to notice, if you don't really talk with the others... when I look at my alters, I see them in a room.
So you pick a spot, visualize building the cell, installing locks, etc. Then find the alter, place them in the cell, and lock the door. That alter shouldn't be able to take control of the body, while locked up. Unless he/she is set free by someone who has keys, or I guess if the alter escapes on its own. I hope that wasn't too confusing. I wish someone else would describe it, too

I wish someone else would, too. Maybe I'll create a post about that Thank you for explaining. I do see a room, but it's a different room for each part I'm aware of, the only common point is that it is always a wooden floor. No house for me, they don't seem to be in the same building or anything I think our lack of communication is abysmal. I don't know how to do it though. Writing doesn't seem to tempt anyone, and I can't really make out what the voices are saying at night, it's more like snippets of conversations. We did hear a voice when we were really really ill though (when I say "we", it was just whoever was out then, but apparently I was listening ), it was very scornful and hateful.

canolime wrote:Okay Uh... I kind of have... separations of feelings towards mermaids. It's like I can see or think of a certain part of the whole mermaid concept, and remember how much I love them... but as soon as I look over to the next part, I think of them as evil. So I don't know what to think You know, that separation thing sounds kind of DID-ish, huh?

Yeah, it does. I never managed to care about them being presumably evil or anything, when I heard about the mermaid mythology, it felt like something that had nothing to do with me. I had MY mermaids

Hydes wrote:I've been wondering too. I lean towards saying it's male, but we've never, ever talked -- in my defense i didn't even know I existed when "he" was there. But at the same time, male / female determinism makes me uncomfortable and this person might also be a very violent female. It is someone who doesn't need a gender, its dominant traits are anger, hatred and self-harm. It's so good that I've been the "main tom" for 2 years, our life had never been "continuous" before, this seems like the only way to be stable, but i sense that the others are not far away though. Except from the kid. She's nowhere to be found and I'm not sure it should be that way.

Okay. I think some alters don't have a specific gender, anyway, so if it makes you uncomfortable, don't worry about it.
Did something happen before you became the main? I wonder after all those years of inconsistency, why you would suddenly be out for so much of the time (it's a good thing ).
Maybe something upset the kid and she went and stayed inside or something.

Hydes wrote:Oh yeah, I've made this mistake before... never again. Took pills twice for about 2-3 years each time, the first time it just made her (I wish I had a name, this is so weird) really depressed, the second time (BPD person) was either completely hyper (scared the $#%^ out of girlfriend) or extremely suicidal (scared the $#%^ out of girlfriend)... In the end we killed ourselves (tried) so there. Never again.

Wow, really bad reaction
Some people give alters temporary names, until they can find out what their real names are. Or just descriptions ("the angry one", or like you've been saying the "BPD person"). You could pick a temporary name for the girly girl.

Hydes wrote:I wish someone else would, too. Maybe I'll create a post about that Thank you for explaining. I do see a room, but it's a different room for each part I'm aware of, the only common point is that it is always a wooden floor. No house for me, they don't seem to be in the same building or anything I think our lack of communication is abysmal. I don't know how to do it though. Writing doesn't seem to tempt anyone, and I can't really make out what the voices are saying at night, it's more like snippets of conversations. We did hear a voice when we were really really ill though (when I say "we", it was just whoever was out then, but apparently I was listening ), it was very scornful and hateful.

Okay
Each part, as in each alter? Or...? So there are just like random rooms, without any structure connecting them? Yeah, you guys need to find a way to talk. But I'm probably not the best person to ask about it, since I can't get mine to write, or type, or anything, either And they've been pretty quiet for the last 3 days...
Yeah, you could hear because you were co-conscious, I guess

Hydes wrote:Yeah, it does. I never managed to care about them being presumably evil or anything, when I heard about the mermaid mythology, it felt like something that had nothing to do with me. I had MY mermaids

canolime wrote:Okay. I think some alters don't have a specific gender, anyway, so if it makes you uncomfortable, don't worry about it.
Did something happen before you became the main? I wonder after all those years of inconsistency, why you would suddenly be out for so much of the time (it's a good thing ).
Maybe something upset the kid and she went and stayed inside or something.

Yeah, I'm not going to force a gender onto them. I became main for good when our girlfriend left us, but I had been around sometimes before. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a teenager who dramatises any break-up into a life-wrecking trauma. We had a particularly fusional relationship, and on my (I use 1st pers sing for convenience) side this need for fusion had got pretty unhealthy. My whole life revolved around her, even if the ED obliterated it a lot. We are meant for each other, so I thought she could never leave me. When she did, it was like a smash in the face, I understood for the first time in years that all the $#%^ I had been through had perhaps hurt her more than myself. She had been here with us all the time and I was only able to see it after she was gone. I am here because I'm good at ignoring pain. I handled it quite well I think. The ones before were not able to take the shame and guilt you get when you realise you're nothing but a self-obssessed tyran.

Hydes wrote:Some people give alters temporary names, until they can find out what their real names are. Or just descriptions ("the angry one", or like you've been saying the "BPD person"). You could pick a temporary name for the girly girl.

I'll try. Is it what you did? I really don't know what to call her. Who else is there in your system? Do you have littles? i'd like to know more about since you've been answering so kindly. But I guess I should just browse earlier posts

I am more and more certain that the kid is asleep and that she must not wake up. We're here to keep her safe and dormant. But I don't have the memories and I don't know who does. This is frustrating.

canolime wrote:Okay
Each part, as in each alter? Or...? So there are just like random rooms, without any structure connecting them? Yeah, you guys need to find a way to talk. But I'm probably not the best person to ask about it, since I can't get mine to write, or type, or anything, either And they've been pretty quiet for the last 3 days...
Yeah, you could hear because you were co-conscious, I guess

Yeah, I think I prefer "part" or "other" over alter... No, I can't really see a structure. Perhaps because I don't even know 'who' is in there. It's comforting to know that 'm not the only one with communication issues, but I hope you solve that soon. Mine are awful quiet too

I have a question about co-consciousness: is it possible to have it but to lack memories as well? As in memories from the past (the ones I told you I don't have)? Just trying to understand.

Hydes wrote:Yeah, I'm not going to force a gender onto them. I became main for good when our girlfriend left us, but I had been around sometimes before. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a teenager who dramatises any break-up into a life-wrecking trauma. We had a particularly fusional relationship, and on my (I use 1st pers sing for convenience) side this need for fusion had got pretty unhealthy. My whole life revolved around her, even if the ED obliterated it a lot. We are meant for each other, so I thought she could never leave me. When she did, it was like a smash in the face, I understood for the first time in years that all the $#%^ I had been through had perhaps hurt her more than myself. She had been here with us all the time and I was only able to see it after she was gone. I am here because I'm good at ignoring pain. I handled it quite well I think. The ones before were not able to take the shame and guilt you get when you realise you're nothing but a self-obssessed tyran.

Oh, okay No, break-ups can really mess people up...

Hydes wrote:I'll try. Is it what you did? I really don't know what to call her. Who else is there in your system? Do you have littles? i'd like to know more about since you've been answering so kindly. But I guess I should just browse earlier posts

I am more and more certain that the kid is asleep and that she must not wake up. We're here to keep her safe and dormant. But I don't have the memories and I don't know who does. This is frustrating.

I didn't need to. I asked, and they told me. Before I knew their names, I didn't really need to, because I was busy trying to pretend they weren't real But I know some people on here and other sites do this, when they're not sure of names. I have 13-15 alters, and I know names/ages of 11 of them. I have littles, teens, and ones who are older than I am. I'm not completely sure about who's come out and who hasn't, though... someone's most likely up at night (at least sometimes), because sometimes I wake up with the TV different, or with bruises, or something. I have littles, teens, and ones who are older than I am. If you want to know something specific, ask away

Is the kid the original, do you think? Sometimes the original part can't handle everything and "goes to sleep" kind of permanently Well, once you find how to communicate with the others, you can ask them who has memories.

Hydes wrote:Yeah, I think I prefer "part" or "other" over alter... No, I can't really see a structure. Perhaps because I don't even know 'who' is in there. It's comforting to know that 'm not the only one with communication issues, but I hope you solve that soon. Mine are awful quiet too

I have a question about co-consciousness: is it possible to have it but to lack memories as well? As in memories from the past (the ones I told you I don't have)? Just trying to understand.

Okay, I was just checking... you can call them whatever you want Yeah, maybe that's why. I hope so too...

If you're only co-conscious at certain times, you wouldn't have memories from the times you weren't around (conscious). I would guess you're more used to keep things going, rather than store memories/go through the worst stuff. You know, sort of an innocent part, who can act normal-ish, when the others can't...? That's what I would guess...

Hydes wrote:I have a question about co-consciousness: is it possible to have it but to lack memories as well? As in memories from the past (the ones I told you I don't have)? Just trying to understand.

Yep!

Im co-conscious practically all the time, but there are many of us who have memories of events that the others didn't. E.g. Sabrina told me the other day about an incident where we fell out of a tree & knocked ourselves out. I didn't know that had happened, but Brina & Josh both knew about it.

Sometimes they're up while Im asleep etc, so those times I won't know what has happened. but yeah, it's more than possible.

mosiacmonkey wrote:
Yep!

Im co-conscious practically all the time, but there are many of us who have memories of events that the others didn't. E.g. Sabrina told me the other day about an incident where we fell out of a tree & knocked ourselves out. I didn't know that had happened, but Brina & Josh both knew about it.

Sometimes they're up while Im asleep etc, so those times I won't know what has happened. but yeah, it's more than possible.

canolime wrote:If you're only co-conscious at certain times, you wouldn't have memories from the times you weren't around (conscious). I would guess you're more used to keep things going, rather than store memories/go through the worst stuff. You know, sort of an innocent part, who can act normal-ish, when the others can't...? That's what I would guess...

Thanks for your answers. I sure do have mornings when I'm almost certain my body has been up to something while I was asleep but I don't know what it's been doing. Occasionally I will find empty or ripped open food packages about my flat, so apparently there's someone who's still focused on food (perhaps has an ED too). Yeah, I think it's a little unfair that I have to do the job without memories, but I understand why it makes sense that I be "the normal-ish" one. I'm also OCD and a very bad procrastinator, which frankly is self-destructive, so there are things besides emotions that I'm not good at dealing with, but I get no help.

Which leads me to another question: if we have (mostly) good co-consciousness, why won't them talk/write to me? When I hear voices at night I can never make out what they're saying. I thought that co-consciousness was precisely a result of good communication

canolime wrote:I didn't need to. I asked, and they told me. Before I knew their names, I didn't really need to, because I was busy trying to pretend they weren't real But I know some people on here and other sites do this, when they're not sure of names. I have 13-15 alters, and I know names/ages of 11 of them. I have littles, teens, and ones who are older than I am. I'm not completely sure about who's come out and who hasn't, though... someone's most likely up at night (at least sometimes), because sometimes I wake up with the TV different, or with bruises, or something. If you want to know something specific, ask away

Is the kid the original, do you think? Sometimes the original part can't handle everything and "goes to sleep" kind of permanently Well, once you find how to communicate with the others, you can ask them who has memories.

Okay, thanks

Yeah I'm pretty sure the kid is the original. She's about 4-7 years old -- I've always been bad with guessing ages -- and she's in a very deep sleep She's the only one I can see so clearly, and I have a feeling of very deep love for her and that she must be protected. I don't think she actually can wake up, but I would like to know why.

I have no memory of anything having to do with sexual abuse at home, I have a loving family (I know I'm lucky). For some reason every time I wonder if anything like that ever took place I think of this relative (who is dead now), but that must just be my imagination. I was bullied at school and abused emotionally by my 'friends' for years though, before I realised what they did to me was not okay. At 10 I had a psychotic breakdown, but I recovered within a few months (I think). At about the same age, I was beaten up by a gang of older boys in my school, but I don't remember the pain and only have a furtive view of the scene available. I don't remember what happened afterwards or anything connected with it, so I can't really say I know what happened, I just know it did and that can't be a good thing. I welcome all tips to get a system to communicate...