Our mother

UGHH!!! Our Mother is so frustrating. Trying to figure where to start... ok well this woman has never given us a word of encouragement nor had an ounce of faith in us...ever. Now she wants us to move in with her. She says it's because she knows how bad it is financially on us right now, and yeah she does make the "roses smell sweet" BUT..... I know it would only take about 3 days and someone would want to stab that woman in her sleep. The real reason she wants us there is because she is about to have knee surgery and she wants someone to take care of her and the house and the stepdad for her...nooooooo!!!!! That would put us right back in past childhood re-enactment.

The thing is that every therapist, almost all our friends, just about every relationship, drs. and even some family members in our entire adult existence has tried to get us to cut all contact with her. But there's this weird loyalty thing with some of the other parts so it's been extremely difficult. She's like a Venus Fly Trap to us. She holds all these pretty little money strings that make her look good then she rips our soul apart.

Last night arter making moving with her sound so good and saying that I could even afford some art classes if I did I got all excited. I told her that I wanted to get some new paintings done and show them at the next Georgia O'keafe showing that they have and get some "outside of the family" opinions. So Then she does it, she says, "Are you sure you can handle that? I mean I just worry outside criticism will break you" Really I should have heard it coming already. I'm anything but weak. And I did tell her that I very well knew the difference between constructive criticism and cruelty. I retreated inside and let Anya finish the conversation with her moma before I totally exploded.

I feel like we teeter on the edge of insanity with her. All our other abusers have been weeded out of our life but her. Why can't she just dissapear. ~JADE~

I'm getting a weird sense of deja vu here. My mother was our main abuser and everyone tells me to cut ties with her and tell her to bugger herself but I don't have it in me, part of me still really wants a mother and she's the only one I've got. This time last year I got really sick with encephalitis and I almost died twice and my dad called her and told her what was going on and she didn't come and see me once despite the fact that I was in the hospital for a month(totally funny, I was off my face half the time and talked to my alters openly, none of my family or doctors know about the DID, so my file had it noted as hallucinations LMAO) .
Anyway, after the fact when I was recovering she contacts me and asks me to live with her. I thought it over and declined. It wasn't an easy decision to come to, she had promised financial stabillity and being closer to the doctors that I had to see. A few weeks later I get a call from the government asking me for a doctors letter saying that I was unable to work. I told them that I hadn't applied for any pension (my dad was supporting me) and I didn't know why they'd need a doctors note from me. Then this person tells me that my mother can't get a carers pension for me if I don't have the note. WELL, figured out her game. Promptly told them that I wasn't living with her and to cancel anything she's put in action on my behalf.
Everyone had told me that she was up to something, she's burned me too many times before and I never learn. I keep letting her in to do it again and I'm sure it frustrates everyone around me who tells me to leave her well alone. I'm telling you now that even though it's hard to cut ties with your mother, not all of them act like mothers and she's probably just taking you for a ride. You know what she's up to, DON'T LET HER IN. You don't need her.

Its just so damn hard tho. I spent my WHOLE life protecting her. Our father, not stepfather, is the main abuser and everything that we did. The hiding, secrets, lying, threats, pretending, living a world that never even existed was to protect her. We went to trial when the body was 13 and he was courtmarshalled for our abuse. The guilt that alot of us felt over her crying and being left to somehow take care of us and our brothers alone has plagued us.

And there's those times where she actually acts like she cares......grrrrrrrrrrr. She is just ~JADE~

I'm so confused. I know evrybody says she's so harmful and stuff but I think maybe she just doesn't realize how much she hurts us. Maybe she means well. Maybe she is ill and doesnt know any better. like tonight she knows Angela isnt feelin well so she brings her food and stuff to make us salads by here. Sometimes its nice when she cares and tries to do stuff for us. like a real mom does. Anya