Confused! or am I? (possible trigger, not sure, doubt it)

First of all I want to say hi.
This is my first post but I been acreepin'...

So, I'm having an internal struggle. again.

Well, let me start out by saying that I was abused as a child and have always remembered a few pieces of a few incidents for as long as I can remember. My memory is very... broken? almost non existant. years missing. many of them. It started very early and continued until I was 14, when he died. (did I kill him? I sure as hell hope so, but I don't think I got to ) Weird thing is the school going kid(s) had no knowledge of the abuse.

I have been to therapy a couple times in my life, 1st when I was 17, which didn't last long. DX = PTSD She wanted to hypnotize me to help me recover lost memories and I bailed and never went back. Also, engaged in drug use and promiscuous behavior, then latched onto my now husband (when I was 17 and he was 27) to get the hell outta my parent's house and have been stuck with my bad decision ever since. I am now 39. ( age is always hard for me too, I actually have to think about it sometimes as my first reaction is way off my real age, and that too varies depending on my mood)

Then, about 5-10 years ago, (I'm VERY bad at determining WHEN something happened, anything - unless I have something to base it off. Makes no sense right?!) I tried therapy again, as an adult. Didn't tell anyone I was going. (husband especially, he cannot be trusted) I thought I was ready to deal with my past as I cannot escape it anyways... nightmares, panic attacks. So, thing is, I really started to open up to her, liked her a lot. I confessed about the different parts inside me and actually started some basic contact. She knew anyways, someone different was always showing up for treatment... I even brought her my journal I had been keeping at the time, which freaked me out afterwards. (NO turning back now, no way to deny) So then, I panicked. I just up and quit going. I feel bad, she was such a good person and I just disappeared on her. I was/am convinced that I must have been making it all up. Which makes me feel even worse for lying to such a nice person. At the time there were signs, missing time for sure. Like this one time I had to go uptown to pay my electric bill, it had to be paid by that day, and when I got there I go into my glovebox to get the bill and there is the receipt! I had been there that same day already with NO recollection! I was freaked out. and also several magazines started coming to my house to the name Jenny Lies. My name is Jennifer, I did not do this. I was so scared. These types of things were PROOF. (In a weird way was almost comforting coz at least I wasn't crazy!) There were more examples but these were some of the firsts anyways I think you get it...

So I became, still am most times, convinced that I must have made this all up. And now, when things happen, like lost time, running into people I don't know who know me, etc. I, at first panic inside, but then it's like I'm "given" enough information to calm me down and I can pass it off as me just being weird...??? In order to keep the denial alive. The internal dialogue that I've engaged in my whole life, well, I just thought everyone was that way. Sucks for them coz I love the convos we all have, quite entertaining . Soooo one minute I KNOW they are here and real and even a handful of names and basic info, but mostly I ignore and deny. Truly convinced that I'm making it all up. Sometimes I gain info like that but then it's taken away. So frustrating. Emotionally, I am completely numb. Someone does not want me to talk about any of this. Not the abuse nor the others. Especially not about any others... and it's almost like there's just enough cooperation to allow the denial. The only time that I truly believe all this is when I'm lying in bed at night before I fall asleep, it's very noisy but mostly just joking around, no one sad has ever come forth... just a bunch of smartasses, with mouths like truckers. lol

I am just starting to kinda take a look at all this again. It has been on the back burner for the past 5 years. I was working a very demanding job but recently was laid off so I guess they think it's time to deal with all this again.

This post is so poorly written, I cannot seem to keep a cohesive thought. I realize it's all over the place. I hope someone can decipher this mess.

Thanks if you actually read all this.
~Jennifer

so I just wanted to say...you have to see reality. They are real or you wouldn't have those things you have described which should be enough proof for you. Let me tell you as an insider myself, the worse thing you can ever do is deny they are real. They are eventually going to act out towards you if you keep choosing to deny they exist. Your not crazy and they are real. You should start talking to them. I will talk to them if you want. Im Norma and if they are angry and smartasses then we get along good.
nice to meet you.
-Norma with the sugar coating done by Christina

Hi and thank you so much for responding. I was scared no one would...

I thought I'd scare anyone off by it being so long. I edited many times and really struggled getting it out and being able to post.

When I "believe", I do talk to them, a lot. I have been asking them to please communicate with me because the denial is so strong at times that I truly believe I'm making it all up. And that makes me feel crazy. I have a journal in my nightstand and have asked anyone to please write to me but nothing yet, although my head is anything but quiet.

Last night, buni was talking to me. She wanted her stuffed animal (a bunny with jammies on and bunny slippers, so cute!) I had to tell her that I threw it away. I feel so bad, she cried. I told her how sorry I am and that I threw it away coz I thought she wasn't there anymore, that she left me. She used to always sleep with it. I told her I made a mistake. She didn't think I could be wrong coz I'm big. That was adorable but so sad too.

I truly was unaware of them recently, for almost 5 years! How is that possible?? I made contact previously (and had communication and I was striving to accept and help them however I could) then completely denied. I'm annoyed!

Now, I'm currently unemployed and have all day to myself and it's gotten rather noisy again and denial isn't possible. At least most of the time. I never consciously ignore them.

Thanks again for acknowledging me, means a lot.
I have been following your threads and am happy for you that things are improving. It gives me comfort to read about you all, hope that's not weird.
~Jennifer

I dont think thats wierd. I mean whatever helps you I guess. So umm...sounds like all you can do is be patient. Norma told me to come on here and write you because she don't feel like talking no more. But I will follow your thread if you want. This is christina by the way. If they dont answer or talk to you theres not much you can do. Just keep talking to them andletting them know that its okay to talk to you. Maybe they not talking cuz they frustrated too with your dout. How old are they? Do you know? I figured you might since you knew one of there names.

Maybe you can tell Buni you will get her another stuffed animal and let her pick it out of the store? That way she can still have something?
I dont know. Just a thought.

-Christina

Welcome, Jennifer!

The missing memories, nightmares, panic attacks, having no memory of doing tasks, meeting people who say they know you, etc. sound very much like having alters (or whatever you would like to call them )

jennjenn wrote:( age is always hard for me too, I actually have to think about it sometimes as my first reaction is way off my real age, and that too varies depending on my mood)

I do that, too

jennjenn wrote:The internal dialogue that I've engaged in my whole life, well, I just thought everyone was that way.

jennjenn wrote:it's very noisy

I thought that, too. Apparently, even when people talk to themselves, it's different I was talking about this with my friend, one time, and I brought up how loud it is in my head. He said his is completely quiet I didn't know that

I understand the denial, but it really isn't a good idea. You wouldn't like someone not believing you exist (not trying to sound mean ). It's really not fair to them. You really should try to get used to the idea.

And, I'll say more in my next post...

jennjenn wrote:I thought I'd scare anyone off by it being so long. I edited many times and really struggled getting it out and being able to post.

Compared to my going-on-forever first post, yours was short I completely get the editing and having trouble with posting.

jennjenn wrote:When I "believe", I do talk to them, a lot. I have been asking them to please communicate with me because the denial is so strong at times that I truly believe I'm making it all up. And that makes me feel crazy. I have a journal in my nightstand and have asked anyone to please write to me but nothing yet, although my head is anything but quiet.

I had to make a deal with one of my alters, that I would believe that they exist, if they would talk more clearly with me, because I was having such a hard time with denial (which made it hard for me to communicate with them), but I didn't want to hurt their feelings by constantly saying they don't exist.
I can't get mine to write anything down Maybe you should leave the journal out in the open, so they can see it. Have you tried writing some kind of a welcome message in it and using that to ask them to write something down?

jennjenn wrote:I truly was unaware of them recently, for almost 5 years! How is that possible?? I made contact previously (and had communication and I was striving to accept and help them however I could) then completely denied. I'm annoyed!

Maybe you hurt their feelings when you suddenly went back into denial, so they kind of hid from you.

And I agree with Christina (confused14): you should let Buni pick out another stuffy

confused14 wrote:-Norma with the sugar coating done by Christina

Teamwork

Yuppers!! :D

Have you ever considered that buni is a part of you from the past? A part of you that you dissociated yourself from?

What if "they" are you and you have memories in "them" the parts of you that you've separated yourself from.

This is very common for people who have been the victim of abuse. There are parts of you that you had to deny to cope with the pain of it all. And even those people who deal with this who have not been through the same type of abuse, have gone through something in their life (usually that they can't remember) that started it all.

You're not crazy... but there are parts of you that are hurting aren't there? There are many parts of you that are confused. But don't let it run your life. Also, does your husband hurt you in any way? Because if he does than he is not a safe person, and I suggest you find help as soon as possible. Don't be afraid, there are those who are willing and waiting to be there for you.

Blessings to you.

Thank you So much for your kind responses, christina, norma, n canolime.

I'm really trying... I think it may be someone's job to deny. Gonna work on that. Someone believes its imperative in keeping us safe. Keeping it secret, to the point of facilitating cooperation to hide it... make any sense?? I have promised never to ignore and asked for them to speak clearly to me more often. Great idea.

Oh I was so heartbroken telling buni about throwing it away, I promised right then she could get a new one. Any one she likes!

And ohope just saw your post. Yes, sometimes I know that's exactly what's going on. I'm working on the sometimes part. My husband is no longer abusive. Thanks to a "take no crap" someone who only came around after I started working. This part is scary and way tougher than that s.o.b. we're safe but also stuck. Thanks.

Thanks again.
~Jennifer