brand new to all of this...be gentle. Maybe Triggering?

So I've finally figured out what the hell was "wrong" with us, and ended up here. My therapist believes me, which seems to be an exception and not the rule, but I have a question about some of her advice.

She told me to spend as much time as possible as "me". Or the core personality. However you want to phrase it. She seems to think that I "use the other alters as an escape from reality" and that its not being fair to them. But isn't giving them time "out" better for them? And for me? I'm really confused by all of this.

And one other question while I've got your attention: During intimate moments with my husband, the core is always up front. Last night while we were getting into things, we switched rapidly, into well "someone". We have never met this person before, and he or she isn't talking to us. Which isn't abnormal, I can't seem to get my alters to communicate with me unless they want to. Anyway, back to the point. This unnamed alter jumps up front, and yells "Get the f--- off me!!!" and generally scares the crap out of my husband. This has been the only input from them so far. Any idea why they came out? How I can get communication and identification started?

Well it's good to let your alters out some of the time, but not all the time. It's your body, you SHOULD be living a good chunk of your life.

You need to get in touch with this new alter somehow and make it clear to them intimate time is NOT interruption time. Clearly sex is a trigger to them. One of the most useful manners of opening communication is through journaling, leaving memos for this new alter. Or by working them out through your therapist and communicating that way.

First off welcome to the forums
second im actually Victorias alter Rozalina i do a lot of the posting for our system but our little Mai seems to enjoy it too but i agree with what bates said about the notes you might want to start with asking its name and general information like wat gender it is and what age etc.

i communicated with Victoia this way shes actually 14 and im 15 everybody in our system is the same gender haha but you can post here whenever you want an we'll try the best we can to help

you should let your alters out to experiance the good in the world if she never let me out id think that seeing our twin die infront of us was the only thign this world has to offer but its not, it also gives a good relationship to you guys if u start communicating and starting to support eachother like the one alter who dosent like sex, you can try to tell it that everythings going to be ok and nobodys going to hurt it

I don't think I'd be able to give any good advice, but I do want to say "welcome"

Thank you to everyone that responded! So I think I understand a little more about my therapists suggestion. I think she meant to let them out for other reasons than "coping" and that when dealing with difficult issues and situations, I needed to remain "myself" because it is unfair to them to force them to cope for me. Does that sound about right?

I've tried journaling, notes, encouraging them to type on the computer, but I get a sense that none my alters are very happy with me. I imagine it has a lot to do with my denying their existence, while using them to help myself for so long. The particular alter in question refuses to even acknowledge that they can hear me. I do get a vague broadcast of negative thoughts from them, particularly referring to my husband as an "abuser" (which is so far from right its almost a humorous idea, except I'm aware of the the fact that idea came about because this particular person feels that all sex must be abusive) and myself as a "willing victim" but it feels more like I am overhearing their thoughts, than an actual idea directed my way.

Wow, it feels great to be in a place were no one is going to go: "Have you considered the fact that you may be insane?" LOL

i understand well all you just have to do is keep tryin and dont give up trying to communicate with them it is wrong to only let them out in situations that you need them but my alters were mad at me when i first aknowledeged them (especially since i accedentally locked one away for 4 years) but theyll see that your really trying to have a good relationship with them and will warm up to you


about the sex thing i have no advice because to me and my whole system its COMPETELY wrong we even hate having our arms and legs touched from the abuse weve gone through (accept mai shes the youngest but is interested in it but shes still as cautious of it as we are)

Well of course they don't want to talk to you, you basically use them and treat them like second-class citizens. Maybe you need to work on treating them more like the human beings they wish to considered as.

To Mr. Bates: That is in essence exactly what I meant. I spent a long time denying that they were real, but still using them, and they have every right to be angry with me. I hope I can rebuild the bridges I burned with my behavior, but I understand that it will take time, possibly years, for them to trust that I accept them and don't want to use them any longer.

I have been letting my "little", Lily, out to play and color, and while she still wont talk to me, she seems much less scared of me lately. I hope that is a step in the right direction. The others refuse my offer to come up front, and I think it may be partly resentment that they now need my permission to be out but when I was a teen they didn't. I'm not even sure how that happened, as I only start therapy recently, and didn't think that I was working with them directly before now.

For awhile around the age 15-16 when I moved away from home (where the abuse took place) they seemed to recede quite deep into my mind. I allowed myself to believe that they were not real, and I understand now how deeply that must have hurt them. Before, I relied on them and cherished them because they made me feel loved and less alone, when I didn't need them anymore, I rejected them.

After the birth of my first child at 19 (I am 24 now) they became very active again, but I was basically "shoving" them up front to stand side by side with me and accept all of the conflict and pain I experienced. I feel so terrible now that I understand what I have done to them. I basically re-victimized my entire system to serve myself. I wish I could talk with them long enough to convey that I know I was wrong, and how sorry I am. Do you think that they can get any idea of how I am feeling?

I dont quite understand how my system functions yet, and I'm not sure how much they can hear from my thoughts, if anything. I know that I can hear some of the thoughts they have, but I don't know if that is intentional.

I would very much like to treat them "more like the human beings they wish to be considered as" but I am unsure of how to go about it without being able to communicate directly with them. Do you have any advice?

attempt to let them know that you feel sorry for what you did to them and that you want to to start clean with them now keep letting you little out and try to talk through her shes bound to tell sombody else that you mean well now also you can keep tryin to communicate the fact that you dont want to give up on them will give a good impression good luck sorry if some things tht i say may not be helpful i dont have as much experiance as other people here

Thank you vikya! You have alot of insight! Please don't sell yourself short. I will continue to try to communicate my remorse for my actions and my hope that we can move on from here as a team. I feel as though I have somehow become a sort of dictator to my alters and I want to get back to living with more of a democracy. I want them to be a part of the choices made for our system. Perhaps they are also afraid that going to the therapist means I want to force integration? I should try writing them a letter explaining my hope to live as a co-operative system and include an apology about what I have done in the past. Perhaps getting it all together in one spot will mean something more to them than my fragmented explanations and attempts at talking. Thank you again for your help! You are very wise for your age