Scared :(

Don't know what's going on inside with us anymore. feeling scared, partly from our dreams and nightmares and fears, and partly because after 3 years, my therapist has finally understood what the word "practical" mean.

We'll be going to this 'life skills center' for practical help in the morning, but am scared, scared of what they know/don't know, scared of their attitudes, how I'll be treated, exactly whats involved and is it actually going to do any good at all?

Our mood is pretty bad atm, rather on edge. When we sleep, we either wake up screaming from the nightmares and have to get up and check the appartment, just to prove to myself it wasn't real, or with the rare good dream I wake up crying and extremely suicidal, just staggering around in a daze, just wanting to die because that small glimpse of happiness is just too cruel to endure, a glimpse of happiness that can never be. Just makes me want to die so bad.

I don't know if this place we're going to tomorrow can help us, therapy certainly hasn't, but I hope it does something to help.
ATM we're about 75% in agreement that we'd be better off not living anymore. The others are too young to understand I think.

My head's just spinning too much to make any sense of anything atm.

Sorry for rambling

Lahl

Well, our visit to this 'life skills' center was rather an annoying repeat of just about every other place we've been to. I was so anxious just going there, sitting in the waiting room creeped me out and we just wanted to get out of there.

Our T that referred us there said that they would have full details of my case, circumstances, problems, needs etc. All rubbish. They had a small form that my T ticked a couple of boxes. Which means having to educate new people all over again.

They seemed somewhat condascending and patronising, and were very vague about what they were offerring in terms of help or support. I have no idea if they'll be of any practical help at all. They didn't even bother to listen to all the problems we need help with, just after time was up they ended the 'interview', and are apparently going to discuss and work out a treatment plan from that, without having all the facts. Doesn't inspire me with confidence.

I don't trust them (never do with new people), and the idea of dealing with them in personal sessions and group work.... I just have my doubts as to whether they can help. We've been to many different places over the last 8 years or so, and no-one has been able to help us so far, and these people seem like more of the same. That usually ends up with us getting hurt and yet another of our very few option gone.

Am fast running out of options

Guess we'll have to wait and see

*sigh*

Lahl

So much for the 'help' offered by this so called 'life skills center'

We got a call today and they told us they had all discussed my case and what help they can provide, and they said that we are too complex for them to provide any help.

we're too complex for them

heh, they suggested another 6 months of therapy and applying again. We've been in the system almost 8 years now and were still 'too complex'.... whats another 6 months going to do?

Seems like no-one is able/willing/trained to help us. We're always too difficult, too complex, too complicated etc etc. Not that we can help being the way we are. But seems any available 'help' is too incompetent, too untrained, too unwilling or too dismissive.

Guess according to the MH system here it seems we're beyond help. At least thats how it feels, broken beyond repair, no hope of recovery. If thats's true, then what are we good for? What future do we have but more pain and broken parts for the rest of our lives?

As little Allie says in the 'Taken' series:
I always hated "Humpty Dumpty." That's a very scary poem. No one knows how to put it back together again—not all the king's horses or all the king's men. No one wants to think that there's anything in the world that could fall apart that badly, but of course...anything can. I guess that's what's so scary about "Humpty Dumpty."

I feel like Humpty Dumpty everyday.

Lahl

Lahl,
I am sorry you are struggling so. I once had a system so complex that it was difficult but not impossible to find a therapist who could help all of them. I would encourage you to keep on seeking till you can find a T who you feel confident about. I think I called 20+ therapsts and talked with them on the phone before I found one I thought could help me. Please keep on trying ...no mattter how difficult it feels.
Wishing you well,
Sweetngentle

sweetngentle wrote:Lahl,
I am sorry you are struggling so. I once had a system so complex that it was difficult but not impossible to find a therapist who could help all of them. I would encourage you to keep on seeking till you can find a T who you feel confident about. I think I called 20+ therapsts and talked with them on the phone before I found one I thought could help me. Please keep on trying ...no mattter how difficult it feels.
Wishing you well,
Sweetngentle

I really wish things were that simple. I'm stuck in the public system atm, and they assign therapists and psychs, and they don't care if those people are not appropriate, can't help, not trained etc. You get who you get and complaining does nothing, trust us, we already tried.

The private therapists are too expensive and there is only one here that is officially trained to deal with MPD/DID, and she is too booked up to see me and too expensive for me anyway. And unlike the way it seems in the US, here, you pay more for an initial interview session with a psych (up to %50 more), and you don't get to talk to them over the phone... so shopping around for someone ends up costing tons more money, plus takes a long time sitting around on their waiting lists to see them. The best you can do is ask their receptionist questions to which they wouldn't have a clue anyway

At least in the public system I see someone once a week, what little good it does. If I had to pay for a private psych, I could only afford like 1 session every few months, maybe 4 per year. Thats not exactly helpful.

Being on disability doesn't exactly help you pay all the bills to get better and get off disability. You'd think disability pension would at least give you access to services that would actually help you get better... but that logic seems to have escaped society here

Lahl

Hi Lalh,

Just finished reading what you've posted in the last while. I have found that it can be most frustrating trying to find a competent therapist. Saw someone who had great credentials. Too bad he couldn't "get" that I have DID.

Yes, we are a complicated lot. We have a different way of being in the world and alot of Ts have to use their imagination (which they don't have) I have gotten discouraged lots of times. I have seen myself as "psychiatric roadkill" just run over by well-meaning doctors who just didn't know how to help. You've got to keep trying.
If you are close to a university, I was wondering if you could get more therapy via health services. There are good therapists out there, but you have to find them. It' taken me years of perserverance to find someone who has been able to help. Dont give up. I know it's a such a struggle

I'm not surprised by what happended when you went to get some"practivcal" help. By the way what kind of practical help are you looking for?

Take Care, Shrinkrapper

shrinkrapper wrote:Yes, we are a complicated lot. We have a different way of being in the world and alot of Ts have to use their imagination (which they don't have) I have gotten discouraged lots of times.

True, but we are somewhat more complicated than usual I guess. DID is not our only problem. There are at least 3 separate and different conditions that we have to deal with that have become so intertwined that they have become inseperable. Can't treat one without treating the others. There are few to no people qualified to deal with one of them here in the middle on no-where. Finding someone able to deal with them all is impossible.

If you are close to a university, I was wondering if you could get more therapy via health services.

yeah, they offer you a whole 8 sessions. Whooppee (<--note: extreme sarcasm) fat lot of good 8 session would do me.

I'm not surprised by what happended when you went to get some"practical" help. By the way what kind of practical help are you looking for?

Oh, nothing too difficult. It was supposed to be guided help, teaching and helping with simple things such as taking the bus, cooking a good cheap meal, introductions to different social groups/outings in safe environments etc. The basics for someone who is housebound and lacks a lot of basic life skills. We're apparently too complicated for even that simple task

Lahl

Lahl, I can't believe these people are saying you're too 'complicated'. They can't understand how our systems work at all, making assumptions on us isn't going to help us at all.
I always found it hard to express myself, and explaining myself to people who couldn't care less makes me feel drained, worthless.
I don't want you to feel like that, I really hope you find someone who understands - there will be someone, somewhere, who is both helpful and affordable. I'm seeing a holistic therapist at the mo', it's really helping so I dunno if you wanna try that? It's, like, £40 a session and I can jsut about afford it with my weekend job (i'm a student) but i've never been throught he public system before so i can't really make judgements on what it's like. SOunds like it's really putting you down though.
if you need anyone to talk to, we'll always be here to lend an ear ok?
and as for the complexity thing, you've got something that a lot of people could never even begin to comprehend, it's like a power, only it's extremely hard to get a hold of and master, and it brings with it all sorts of problems that would set most people's heads spinning, but the capabilities it holds are extremely powerful, kinda like the next stage in human evolution. as i try and sort out myself more, it seems more and more like this is true - i hope you feel better soon, i'll pray for your dreaming to get better
lots of love
Harri
x x x

Harri wrote:i'll pr*y for your dreaming to get better

Please do NOT say or do that

Lahl

Hi Lahl,

I'm not sure what it is that you don't want Harri to do -- pray for you or be there for you?

I have DID, PTSD and MCD (Major clinical depression) and it's a huge intertwined mess, but not as huge as it was. It was become less chaotic. Quite frankly, since I seem to be feeling better, it's easier to cope with.

I like your spirit,Lahl. You are obviously a bright and determined kind of person.

What about if you spoke with wherever you went who offered you 8 sessions (ridiculous)and asked them to help you. If they can't offer you help, then ask them to direct to another dept/agency or whatever.

What if help was available in a city. Could you move?

Take Care, Shrinkrapper