Throwing things out that I really wanted

Does this happen to anyone else?

I am obsessed with religion. Not just one, though. All of it, from Animism to Mormonism, from Judaism to Hinduism. So, I have a lot of religious texts, and books on mythology, (and evolution). Well, sometimes I feel like reading one in particular, and I look for it, only to discover that I have thrown it out or packed it in the bottom of my closet. Because, you see, I guess sometimes, I feel very passionately about one, and I get rid of others. These 'conversions' ,or whatever, don't last. Then I'm very upset when the other text is gone.

For the most part, I don't remember disposing of them, or I remember much later.

This is a big part of why I'm so unhappy. I feel that most people can pick a faith and be a part of that community, and it meets their needs, etc. Or they stay with the one they grew up with. I can't do it. Over and over I have decided to just pick a 'self' and kind of decide that that's who I am and maybe now I can be normal and happy. It doesn't work, though.

Futurama91 wrote:This is a big part of why I'm so unhappy. I feel that most people can pick a faith and be a part of that community, and it meets their needs, etc. Or they stay with the one they grew up with. I can't do it.

A lot of people are raised in structured religious environments that tend to prevent them from considering other alternatives or make them feel as if they would be acting "badly" if they question the beliefs they were brought up with. Likewise, some people are brought up in atheistic environments and feel that if they seek out religion or spirituality, they will be shunned. I don't think it's as simple, often times, as people being brought up one way and sticking to it because that is absolutely, 100% what their faith actually is. We were raised in a Southern Baptist school, in the Methodist Church, with a Methodist mother and Catholic father in an Assembly of God town. The moment we questioned any of it out loud we were punished for this. I know many people whose stories are very similar. But, like you, we have books of all kinds of religions and spiritualities, mostly out of sheer desire to learn and understand, but also (for myself) as a way to find my path. I'm 30 now and went through practicing many different things before I found something that rang true in every fiber of my being.

You also don't necessarily have to find one specific path and have that one specific set of beliefs, moral codes, etc. be the be-all, end-all of your belief system. I know many people who consider themselves agnostics because they may have beliefs that ring true with one religion but some other things about that religion are totally NOT something they believe in or agree with, and the same for many other paths. I think what gives a person peace of mind at the end of the day is what is right for them. It doesn't need to have a specific book or set of guidelines.

Over and over I have decided to just pick a 'self' and kind of decide that that's who I am and maybe now I can be normal and happy.

What's normal anyhow? And really, that kind of thinking and then action may make things worse. I mean, if you decide to be "this person" forever and ever, other people in your system are going to get mighty pissed off with you and show themselves more and more, and confuse you because they want you to understand that you all are NOT just one person. Most of us with DID will never be just one person (I tend to think no one at all who has DID can ever be just one person), so you're giving yourself demands you cannot possibly meet. No one, DID or not, is as happy and put together as they present to the world. I promise.

-Leigh

This used to happen to me often.

Instead of picking a 'self' (Which I have discovered doesn't work, at least for me)
try respecting the choices of all your selves, which means they all agree not to throw
out another one's stuff.
Only if everyone is in agreement should you dispose of an item.
Everyone has an internal system that needs to be in agreement to make choices
that stick.

I found this works for me. I hope this is helpful!

I am SO with you there....