Depression and failed treatments

A fairly common problem with dissociative conditions, from what I understand.

I have a lot of serious depression, and because it clouds my thinking, I feel like I'm blowing a lot of my problems out of proportion, and maybe even imagining ones that aren't really there.

I've been on these regimens:

1.Zoloft
2. Zoloft with Adderall
3. Zoloft with Ritalin
4. All of the above, but Celexa instead of Zoloft.
5. Ativan for one week.
6. Cymbalta for two days (screw that).

The problem is this. While Celexa didn't help at all and actually made things worse, the Zoloft and Adderall combination REALLY helped. I always feel like I should be back on it.

But each time I get back on it, I end up having flashbacks or nightmares, which inevitably lead to blackouts. OR, I end up with an angry, disenfranchised alter who doesn't want to be treated and starts acting up to scare me off of it.

The reason I want to be treated is so I can face whatever is there, because the drugs make it much easier to remember things and deal with them. Not to mention it makes it a lot easier to keep up with schoolwork. But those episodes make me feel very unsafe. Without them, I'll just go on living a mediocre life and wasting more years. But when I'm on them, I don't know if I'm going to take some sort of stupid risk and actually end up hurting myself.

It's not the typical "suicidal ideation" that's mentioned on the blackbox warning. He doesn't want to die, he just doesn't want to live. He WANTS to drift through life with no ambition. He decided years ago that he was already dead. Each time the depression lifts and the rest of us become more ambitious, he has to be reminded of what he gave up by deciding to die. He gets jealous. He doesn't want to consider the possibility that we might just be sick and not actually dead, that there might actually be hope for us. If he's brought back to life, as such, he loses the only thing that gives him his own unique identity.

My situation might be a little unique (probably not), but how have you guys dealt with alters who sabotage treatment plans? The one I mentioned isn't the only one who has a problem with drugs. I'm not even 100% comfortable with them, but I'm willing to suck it up and call myself "sick" if it gets me through college.

Oh, and I've tried Adderall by itself, too. It just makes me groggy.

This could be a case of problems 'switching over' meds. I mean, you can't expect your body to switch from one to the other without 'giving out', can you? How much time do you stay on the Zoloft+Adderall after switching to them? In the first few days (or even week), you're bound to feel a little weird and have problems. just bear with it though.

Kevin

I'm talking like weeks, sometimes months. Although with the Adderall and Ritalin, the switches were more frequent. But that's not really bad because they're short acting and I've never had withdrawal symptoms.

As far as the Celexa and Zoloft, I only took Celexa for about two months (I think). Most of the time, it's been Zoloft, and I stay on it as long as I can without having flashbacks.

I have a GP, and it's impossible for me to explain any of this to him. He's easy to talk to, but I can't really communicate the intricacies of this to him.

I'm thinking of going to a psychiatrist. The GP is treating me for ADHD, and yet he says he's never heard of Dexedrine. And he thought Vyvanse was a type of methamphetamine. But if I'm not even sure if I have ADHD, I don't know if they'd give me stimulants, and I cannot take antidepressants by themselves.

Write a letter to the GP instead? I had trouble settling on my medication when I first started on it, but i realised that it's just best to accept it and get on with things. Months down the line, I realised that my body had become used to it and I had no more of the initial side-effects (and it was then actually proving very advantageous). i'm not saying that this will apply to you too, but it might get you thinking and/or be something you could try - i.e. just get into the habit of taking it each day and get on with the rest of your life.

Kevin

Thanks. I think I'll go to therapy. No one in my town deals with dissociation that I know of, but there is a place that deals with PTSD and a wide range of other conditions. I'll feel a little more safe being on it if I'm being monitored.

It was mostly the Celexa that scared me, because one of me (who shall remain nameless) made it very clear he wanted us all dead when we were on that. The Zoloft-induced flashbacks were more just stressful, but if this is going to be my life from now on, I want to at least know I'm doing something about it.