Not coping well with stress of new friendship...

hello, its me, sorry for absenteeism, life took over, so hope everyone is doing the best they can, or can recieve massive hugs for feeling blue.

recently someone, a man has come into my life , so far telling him about anxiety and depression . The but of it all is that whilst with him my stress levels go through the roof. The timing of meeting him is bad for me. Therapy is focusing more on past abuse at the mo. So, inside is all messed up, lots of feelings, major dissociative episodes and this guy! He is nice , we like him and want a friend, as we dont have many but are terrified of our secret getting out. How do others cope? My feelings of detachment have been great of late, switching rapidly is exausting. A man was asking me if my partents looked after me in a shop and was wondering why he would ask such a question. Think i had nt heard the rest of the conversation so was shocked and felt exposed. Dont think he knew about my illness though. Now am scared cos if i diss badly infront of this new man friend will he run away and not want to be our friend any more. He is very assertive and can be a bit too much so at times. When he is told we have a t and dont need to talk abot stuf with him he backs off.
But , it seems he likes me and i like him but we are not going out or anything like that.

anyways, this is hard for me to share cos i feel like an idiot for everything just now. Am wondering how to relieve myself of the pressure of so much switching and how to help myself not get into a mess with this man. Especially as my angry part is having such a bad time of it , it needs me now to give it comfort but all i keep doing is giving it a headache and worries it needs to protect me more cos of the man. do u understand?

am going to bed now but thank you if you read this and for any help. am alone so much with this and the times am not here we are off trying to fit in and cope better . now we are bad again.

little j

Hi,

The important point to remember is that if the relationship is going to work, you cannot forever hide your true nature. This is why - I feel - you should always try to be yourself: If you feel like smiling, then smile; If you feel like shouting; then shout; If you feel you have been unjustly treated, then complain. You cannot hide in a relationship - If you try to, you will just get depressed and will be one of those people who always look back in life, never forward.

Kevin.

thank you Kevin,

Not knowing how to live life as DID is the hardest thing, am ok when alone, but being with people who are new to me is so difficult. Knowing if i dont try then wont make new friends or give myself the second chance at life that so much therapy has tried to give me.

Fingers crossed next time i see this guy it will be easier to say how i feel , if he does nt like it, i suppose he can go as quickly as he entered my life.

hugs for listening

jorja

Hi,

Although I don't have DID, I do have Asperger's Syndrome which makes for meeting new people difficult too. In most cases, I don't even bother trying because it's too much effort and stress-inducing.

Anyway, good luck with it.

Kevin.

I'm a very social person, so it's hard for me to relate, but I'll try. Maybe seeing him around other people you know well and feel comfortable with is a good idea. For one thing, they will help you feel safe and at ease around Mr. X. In addition, a trusted friend will help you judge whether there's any real reason to fear this new guy. I like to fly tandem whenever I'm not sure about someone.

Second, you don't have to like this guy right off the bat or convince him that you're the bees knees. Just take it slow getting to know this new person, and give your friendship time to evolve naturally.

And finally... breathe! Even if you do let secrets out or say something awkward or whatever, you may feel like it's a fate worse than death but it isn't. How many times have you seen another person react to you awkwardly or behave strangely? If that happened, Mr. X would move on and only momentarily have a "that Jorja person sure was odd" thought, give a shrug, and go on with his life without another thought. It would be a tiny bruise on your ego that would heal with time, too.

I was trying to form what I would say to you, what advice to give, and I realized, that I am in the same situation and need to take my own advice.
I too have a new friendship building, and we are starting to become really good friends, however, I am scared of her finding out about my alters, and its not so much that I am scared, its just so refreshing to have a friend that is mine (as selfish as that sounds) it does feel nice. But I realized that I am usually exhausted after being with her, and I tend to get migraines either during or closely after I have been with her, and i think it is because of how much I have to push back the alters and the dissociation.

Anyways, what I would like to do if I can get up enough courage, is just tell her what I am dealing with, and tell her about the alters and discuss it with her and answer her questions. I trust her and know she can handle it, I am just afraid.

I think in a new relationship, it is better to be honest from the get go, otherwise everything gets so tangled up and hard to explain and pretty soon you are hiding everything from that person even though you are closer than before. If you tell them in the beginning they at least have an idea of what they are getting into and it gives them the chance to decide how to be your friend. I think it is a fair choice, and gives you and accurate depiction of their character and whether or not you want that person as a friend anyways.

Sorry to have gone on so long...
I hope this helps... and welcome back!
~Amber

thank you both for the thoughtful replies. What a nightmare time it is and is nt trying to feel our way through new friendships. Lalark, good luck if you choose to go down the route of sharing, your friend sounds like someone you are already close to. The headaches and exhaustion afterwards is something i totally relate too. Its like running a marathon and praying the whole time you wont fall or trip along the way. Then boom the headache hits and you know someone is knocking at the door. Then its wait til we get home.

My friend is someone so far having only seen a few times is nt someone as yet i would share more than what i have, which feels like so much for such early days. Telling him about depression and anxiety, plus going to t for over three years felt like enough to be going on with. He has nt run away and still seems to want to spend time with me, so it bodes well i guess. The alters are very mixed up right now, they going through the trauma of dealing with our abuse in therapy are confused by the timing of this new friendship. Understandably so, and because of that would not put them at risk of feeling any more vulnerable and frightened than they do right now.

Who knows with luck and some effort , further down the road it may be possible to share more with him.

Thanks for the support , these are lonely times when we begin to face our problems in the light of being new to someone else.

Jorja
x