Want to give up

Had therapy today and all i feel is dead inside, hopeless , we can nt reach where he needs us to go to get well.

It is nt happening, no one is talking, no one is letting the feelings out. Mirrored in my general health with an ibs flare up.

Just feel like if i can nt get it out, if i can nt speak even when am in a session , are nt i wasting his time?

He thinks not but the string is nt that long am sure and at some point we have to throw in the towel, maybe it is now.

Came home, slept for another 4 hours , feeling drained and despondant, why can nt i talk to him, its been along time in therapy to suddenly become mute?

Anyhow another one of my really dense posts which no doubt someone will tell me they dont understand. Apologies in advance.

Depressed and beaten tonight.

Jay
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Jorja, it's ok. If you can't get through to your alters in your therapist's office, maybe you can do it at home somehow. Maybe you can try writing stuff down in a jurnal and asking the alter you're trying to communicate with to write down his feelings and show your therapist, if it's possible.
Sorry if I misunderstood anything. Don't give up, many people here are doing well and you can get advice and support.

thank you Jasmin , not sure how to get back to any place that is really helpful when in therapy. It is like a blanket has been thrown over any emotions to do with past abuse. Nothing is getting in or out.

This worries me for the time my t gives me, it feels wasted atm, plus maybe it is nt possible. You made good suggestions and using my journal more regularly may help.

I am that part of me who does nt know about the abuse, does nt feel it and wont let anything out at all. This part is strong and like a brick wall emotionally. Feeling like this is so familiar and safe to me, i spent years doing just what i am doing now and no one could have convinced me then talking about anything would help. Living with a daily level abuse kind of made me hide away any true feelings but i survived. I dont know what it is going to take for me to let go of this familiar , safe and shut down self. I do feel calmer and better for being here.

Something is bothering me about therapy at the moment, something is bugging me about trust. It is such a huge issue, tonight had to arrange for a physio appointment to be sent, they had on file another referral in my name, telling me there must be another one with my surname in the city. This rang alarm bells as i have another referral to the local mental health team ongoing. But would absolutely hate to think any of those details are available to booking staff at an NHS service. Having been through this before, know that not all people are trustworthy and have got me into trouble with my family before. If i can nt trust the system that is trying to help me , then how can i go on using it for help?

Maybe this is the issue which has brought myself back to here. Am ready to protect, to look after and to switch off the moment any suggestion of betrayal of those who abused me is made.

Sorry seem to have rambled on again.

Thank you for listening. Am feeling very alone with all this.

yours kindly and thankfully

jay
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You're not rambleing and you're not alone any more. It's ok to want to hide. Honestly, I have this fear of things getting out and people knowing about what happened too. It makes me afraid of reporting anything bad that might have happened to me or even to another person. Maybe it's that fear of getting in trouble if you tell someone or talk to someone we used to feel when we were kids. I think it's normal.
It feels good to be safe and push it aside. Could you ask your therapist if someone else might find out if you talk to him? It's not fair if other people get to read his notes or something, it's suposed to be confidential. Maybe you can be honest and tell him that that's a big part of why you're not comfortable talking. And if your alters need to talk or you need to talk about what they've written, you can always do it here.

Jasmin, thank you, i woke to your words of support and they made me feel less afraid.

Today i am going to call his sec to see what the deal is when referring someone, to find out how many people are actually in the referral chain.

Coming here to share my inner thoughts and those of my other parts has already seen me through some rough patches. Am just so greatful for the help.

Still feeling disconnected from the emotional content of my past is a fabulous holiday , one that i fear is the lull before the storm.

Maybe my t would think as am on a plateau of peace right now it is not a good time to continue with this work? I dont know.

The last few months have been really hard on me. With a separation from my bf, living on a low income and managing very badly at times, dealing with fibromyalgia and coping with therapy when my family dont know , but live near by. Somehow that in itself gives me quite the drive to not allow my other voices out.

Its good to come here, share and always end up thinking and trying that bit harder for the support.

If its ok to give a gentle hug then one is on its way to you jasmin.

Many thanks

Jane
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(((((((((Jorja))))))))) This forum has helped me too and it still is. I know it's hard to deal with the abuse if your family are near by. We like to think that they're protecting us, even if they never really did.
It's a good idea to call his secretary, you can finally know what's gonna happen and maybe you'll feel more comfortable with opening up after that.
Maybe you can tell your other voices that you'll still protect them if they let their feelings out. You're strong enough to do it, now that you have this place and your therapist. It must be scary to come to terms with what happened. Give them all a little hug from me, if it's ok.

Jorja,
I understand what you are experiencing.
Becoming 'mute" in therapy is so FRUSTRATING!
I hate when I cant think of anything more to say than what happened at work. Nothing important.
BUt i have come to view it like weight loss, there are times when you make lots of head way and lose 2-4 pounds a week, and than you hit a plateau and you are stuck for a month... but then gradually you start to lose weight again but you needed a boost to get back on track.
I hit plateaus in therapy where I just can't speak about anything that would be of healing benefit, and then I will get a boost and be able to talk again and make a lot of progress. Healing is a process and will not happen when you force it, most often it happens when you aren't looking.
I hope you are feeling a bit better.
~Amber

lark is right. i went through the same thing a while back. i felt shut down, and it was tearing me apart. i think it's got something to do with my mother. she's in a nursing home dying of alzheimer's. everyone of my alters are dealing with it differently. it's been real hard on my littles. basically, they don't trust anyone but mom. know matter what happened, they love her very much and want to protect her. their instincts are very strong and come from the core of me, like it or not.
i wish i knew what would be the best thing for you to do. as for me, i decided to stop going to therapy for a while. i am using the forum, (when my damn computer is working right!). it has helped more than anything. where else are you going to find advice from someone that actually knows what it is like!

i hope you feel better soon. don't worry about boring us, you don't. anything you have to say or ask is important! i'm sure most of us can relate to what you're going through.

benny

Thank you Jasmin, Lark, Benny,

Jasmin, i did try and get hold of more information regarding the referral system, with no luck from the place i go to weekly, called a helpline last night. Was in a terrible state but they helped me and even though a bit of a sobfest felt better marginally for allaying some really deep fears i have.

Lark, it is good but awful at the same time we have to go through the mute stages. I felt like such an idiot last week, even more so as anything said either side of the mute time was forgotton. Your advice about not pushing it is good and now am trying to just let each part do their jobs and stop interferring , it is hard though, still dreading that total loss of time or of one of them doing stuff that is nt good for the whole.

Benny, am so sorry to hear about your mum, it is the hardest thing to see someone we love dearly ill. My daughter , when alive was disabled and it was a daily battle to just keep going and keep on top of her needs and how i could be the best mum possible. Like you when things overwhelm all of me the shut down phase happens and usually only lasting a day or two. Thankf ully but regretably, my depressed and suicidal part was out last night. With an intense need to self harm and and overwhelming fear of our trust being betrayed by our t again. He has nt done so as far as i know but being male, being now close to him theraputically, it is very similar to how things were when close to my abusive brother. And without being any expert am thinking the feelings which are being ridden out now, are those of that very hurt and confused teenager. Teenagers being impulsive and hormonal it feels like am being totally dragged down the wrong road when she is out and all she wants is to hurt and punish all of us.

Somehow have to work out which parts feel like they need time to face this and let their feelings out safely. So far am lost to everything and feel like am letting everyone down every day i dont deal with this and face it head on. Somehow my t has to help me draw out those parts who hold the feelings.

Anyhow , another long post, thank you all, yet again it seems thought provoking and some tiny progress is made each time i think about and respond to you.

Am sending safe gentle hugs to you all xx

jay

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Maybe it's true that you're being triggered by your therapist, Jorja. I think it's great that you can figure that out and talk about it as well. You can do anything that makes you feel better, post here or call a helpline. I'm sorry you didn't find out anything new about the refferal system.