Living With King Matt

Well, it seems Matt thinks he's got it made. He goes and comes as he pleases (he does usually ask). He sleeps till 2 or 3 in the afternoon. He does very little around the house. He doesn't go to school, not currently looking for a job. Still hasn't gotten his license. Can't seem to fit it into his schedule, since my mornings are free, but after 3 pm, I've got all the kids home and that's when my life gets hectic. Kids screaming, tattling, fighting, dogs fighting with kids, kids fighting with dogs, you know, LIFE!

He has an excuse for everything! Can't get his license because he has no money, has no money because he has no job, he has no job because he has no car. We took the car to a friend's house, to take away the temptation to steal it, but assured him, if he got himself together, he could still have it.

But the way it looks, we're going to sell the car and take his cell phone. We've been paying for the cell phone for months. He agreed to pay for it and put it in his name once he got a job, to build his credit. That's why the state has him in our home under a "Mentor"program. We're suppose to help him get a checking account, get a job, get into school, all the things parents usually do for their kids.

BUT, one alter hid the bank book, while someone drained the account and overdrew it! This was before the alcohol and cocaine incident, so I have no idea where he got money for those thing, plus the gas he had to have put into the car??? They gave the bank book back, but changed his password on the computer, so he can't access his account online to see what's happened!

It just seems Matt just wants a good life and when we talk to him, I think he really feels bad, but I think the others want him to be thrown out, so they can be as bad as they want to be. I'd hate for Matt to lose the battle of his identity. I've had that happen before with a DID friend. She wasn't a very strong girl, so very sweet, but broke down quite a bit. I was warned by other in her system that they were thinking about having someone else take over, someone stronger and after a while, it happened. My friend was gone and the new alter in charge was nothing like her, led a different lifestyle that I felt was very unproductive to her situation. I didn't hear from my friend again. I got an email from one of her littles and I replied, but later, thought better of it, because I'm sure she wasn't "out" to receive it and I'm not too sure how the system felt about her emailing to me. I sure do miss you Buddy!!!

Okay, I got lost somewhere along the way, sorry

What to do about King Matt? Any suggestions? Tough Love Have a long talk with him and trying to connect to the different alters

As usual, all comments, good or bad are appreciated.

Is he hesitant or afraid of something from getting a license, money, or a job? Or do you think he is just being lazy? Are there any one of his personalities that wants to do those things?

You don't need money for a license test as far as I know (at least in my state) and even if he did I'm sure you would help out with that as well. Satisfy his so-called conditions and see what happens.....give him enough money to get a license, then when he has a license give him the car on the condition that he will get a job. Though I do not understand why he doesn't just use the money of his alter for these stuff......does he have any memory of his other personalities or could you find them?

Sorry to here what happened to your DID friend, sounds like Matt is struggling with a lot of the same issues. I hope he will find a way to integrate all the best aspects of his personalities into one productive personality.

License cost $25 to take the written test. I go by the testing center twice a day. I've told him several times, I'd pay for it, if he'd just get himself up and go. Told him I'd take him last Friday, but he couldn't make it (the night he stole the car and didn't get in until after 6am)

He does have an alter in him that said that there is no need for college, all he needs is a street education. Kinfolk, an alter I've come to know, told me he'd get Matt up for college one night and he held to his word. Matt told me every night he was going to get up and go the next morning, but I'd find him still asleep when I got up. Sleep for him, I think, is a coping mechanism. When he doesn't want to deal with the situation, he sleeps! But after checking his cell phone logs, online, it seems he's actually talking on the phone, to people he claims he doesn't know. Imagine that? I've made the suggestion of him giving me a time he feels he needs to be off the phone and for him to give me the phone at that time, but whoever I told, didn't seem to like the idea so well.

My husband and I spoke to him, yesterday and within a span of 30 minutes, we got 3 different "life plans". One was that he wanted to go to school and make something of himself, one wants to join the Army and a third wants to be a rapper. Now, there's the 4th plan of getting the street education and thuggin', but I'm not sure about him, since I've not had much contact with him.

As far as work, he did well, part time at Burger King, but since he wasn't getting up for school, he told his case worker that it was his job getting into the way, so she told him to quit, so he did! But now, there's no state funding, no insurance, no college, so he needs to buck up and start getting a plan put into motion, be it the Army or getting back into college or getting a job. I'm willing to help him as long as he shows me he's willing to help himself, but I can't continue to allow him to treat this place like a free hotel. What is that teaching my other children. Unconditional love, I hope, but it's not okay to steal cars, do drugs, etc. And mine have no excuse for that kind of behavior. They are a bunch of diverse children, but they've never had to go through anything like Matt has, but my 14 yr old is a boy and he sees "Cool" Matt and he (my 14 yr old) is needing so bad to have a older male role model in his life, seeing as my husband is a truck driver and my son's father is unavailable at this time (in jail), he only has Matt in his life and now he's starting to act out. Even though he understands DID, he didn't think about the "snitch" that's inside of Matt, that tells all!! I guess he's a little that sits back and sees everything, because he has given me a couple of shocking reports on Matt, his friends and my 14 yr old!

So, I just don't know. Regular teenagers act this way and worse! Matt can be something, but it's all a matter of getting everyone on the same page, IF that can be accomplished.

Thanks
Pam

I think Matt really needs to work on his DID first and foremost over everything else. Having different personalities with so many different desires in what they want in life will just make things difficult. Imagine for example if he joined the army and then during training or duties the side of him that wants to be a rapper gets out and strongly disapproves of what he is doing. At this point it would be too late, and as the rapper or other sides of him try to escape not wanting to be in the army, he would be thrown in the stockades for that! So he needs to reintegrate these personalities somehow and resolve what he wants out of life and do it. If he wants to go to college then great.....if he wants to join the army then great.......if he wants to become a rapper then great.

One way I think he can get through his issues is for his different personalities to work together. For example he can still go to college and get a degree in music in order to further his training of being a rapper. If he wants to be in the army he could still go to college though it will be a lot difficult then to balance everything. Anyways if he puts all what he wants on the table, he could work on his different goals whenever his personality changes.......for example when the college personality comes out he can work on his school work, and when the rapper side of him comes out he can work on that. His different personalities need to understand each other so that they know why they do the other activities that certain alters don't want to do. Hope that makes sense.

I'm not surprised that your 14 year old boy looks up to Matt in the way he does......after all Matt does seem to be interested in all the things that is considered hip now a days (like being a rapper). I think you need to talk with your 14 year old and reassure him that there is good from Matt (which I do see) he can learn from but he shouldn't admire the bad things he does (like the reckless driving and such ).

I agree with TormentedSoul about first working on his D.I.D. and going from there. Matt needs co-operation in his system if anything is going to get done, in a positive way. I can't imagine being able to hold a job and school, even though my system has come a long way with learning to co-operate. But, from the time I became aware of my system, up until now, things have certainly improved. Matt needs this in order to have a good life. ALL of Matt does. From my own experience, the addict in me was numbing my own pain by using when she came out. My reckless alter was venting anger in a very dangerous way. I had to lay down rules, with help from another multiple friend and from my partner, that has limited their misbehavior. The angry one still gets angry but knows if she acts out, she won't be coming out for a while. The addict doesn't use because she knows if she does, she's done coming out altogether. But before this could happen, I had to make sure they understood why these things were unhealthy, what they could lead to (another arrest, more rehab, death...), and that I understood they are trying to help me, but they needed to find better ways. And until Matt's system is working in this way, he can't work or go to school. Even if he tried, he likely would not remember a thing the teacher said and would frequently switch at work if a customer made anyone inside of him angry.

While I think it's WONDERFUL that you are so loving, giving, and helpful to Matt and his system, there are things a therapist can do that someone without the knowledge can't. They need a safe place to vent and express themselves without the threat of things taken away and without conditions. When you are so concerned with someone and love someone that much, this is impossible. So it's not a defect in you, it's just how it works. I have no insurance either and I know it's impossible to pay for intense therapy without it. But a state-funded mental health center comes in handy.

Also, I strongly suggest some books.
For Matt, "Got Parts?" which can be found at Amazon.

For yourself and also for Matt, "The Dissociative Identity Disorder Sourcebook" which can also be found at Amazon.

-Leigh

Again, working on the DID is job one. However, setting definite boundaries and rules are another way of showing your love. Any child knows this deep within even if they resent it on the surface. Setting boundaries and following through with penalties when the rules are broken is something everyone in Matt's system could benefit from. Posting them in his room where all can see might be helpful to make sure the rules are communicated with all the alters. This will insure your own sanity as well as the safety of your children while helping Matt as he tries to deal with what is going on inside. You might consider making therapy a requirement, too... he doesn't have to say a word while he's there, but he has to go. Perhaps Matt or an alter will eventually start to talk. I just think he needs some very definite structure and direction in his life... it seems like he's just floating at the moment.