Mom, can't you read between the lines?

I keep getting stuck wanting my mom to read between the lines.

When I was little, daddy would yell if I asked for her support. So I can't ask for her support. At least if she sees my pain and offers then when he's an idiot and yells I'm not the one to blame.

But she never sees.

Instead she supports my brother (which my dad doesn't mind) or supports my father. Or supports my sister which makes my dad yell but my sister's fine with that.

I'm hurting. And she can't see it. She's never been able to.

It makes me want to hurt more, until the pain is so overwhelming that it stops. I just want it to stop. And it never gets less, just more.

###$.

Instead, she's using me for support while she talks about how stressful her life is because she's taking on the burdens of dad and my brother and my sister and everything.

I'm all tapped out. Nothing left to give. And I'm in so much freaking pain.

I don't even know how to ask for help anymore. From anyone. And someone little inside wants to ask for help and someone else keeps telling them to shut the hell up and not cause problems.

God, given the chance, I'd glad beat your dad to a ######6 pulp and knock his goddamn teeth right out of his mouth if I saw him yelling at you and $#%^.

And aren't you married? Why hasn't your husband done the above? What the ###$ kind of man is he that he doesn't stick up for his wife? That really pisses me off.

Oh believe me, my husband loves the idea of violence toward certain people that just deserve it.

Violence, for me, however is a trigger. Anyone who mentions it freaks me out. :p

Somehow coming from you it's charming. I guess because you're the Mr. Bates of the board and your heart's in the right place.

sorry you are in pain. know the feeling. you can't get blood from a turnip, and you can't get love from someone unable to give it. it sucks but having expectations of such people will only make it more painful. thank God there are good caring people out there that will be there for you. stick with the winners!

((((((((hugs))))))))
benny

TrixyEtAl wrote:Oh believe me, my husband loves the idea of violence toward certain people that just deserve it.

Violence, for me, however is a trigger. Anyone who mentions it freaks me out. :p

Somehow coming from you it's charming. I guess because you're the Mr. Bates of the board and your heart's in the right place.

Cute little scamp, aren't I?

There is a song I like with a line that sings:

if I'm a spinster for the rest of my life
my arms will keep me warm on cold and lonely nights

This song speaks of something entirely different but with the line taken out of context, it tells me that I am all I need and I can love myself.
That is a pretty difficult thought to grasp, but taken even further out of context, take your arms and wrap them around that little one inside who just needs someone to hold them and tell them that everything will be okay. Because even though you are hurting, you are now in a safe place. And you have the ability to make everything okay for that little one.

With peace,
Amber

but i'm not in a safe place and haven't ever been. even when i thought i was, i was simply building my next level of hell.

I'm sorry trixy to have made that assumption. I thought being with your husband and being away from your family might have been safer for you. I apologize for that.

sorry to here you are not in a safe place. i found myself in a simmilar situation with my first husband. i called a womens sellter and they got me out safely and gave me a place to stay, til i got back on my feet. what ever your case, don't be affaid to ask for help.

best wishes,
benny

Agree with benny and lark.. hope you'll be able to find a safe place sometime..