I thought I had a moment of "understanding"....WRONG

So, I was riding in my car and started to think about how my life has changed because of the affair my husband had almost 1year ago, next month. And, next I found myself really angry at the "sex crazed" alter, as if he was a COMPLETELY different individual than my husband. It was really weird because I guess that I would do so much to get myself to really believe that he had no control(but still not really believe it) . But, at that moment, I really believed it was a different person that did this and not my husband.

So, I told my husband what happened and I asked him this:

So, does it actually feel like a totally different person and the only thing that's the same is the body?

He said: "it feels sometimes like a different person with the same face, othertimes like a distant memory that doesn't really belong"

So, I said: "so when you think/talk about the affair, does it feel like you are talking about someone else's life?"

He said: not as cut'n'dry but similar yes

What the heck does this mean?

My husband is never able to give a clear answer and if I go further to try to understand what he's trying to say, I get yelled at.

Someone tell me, what does he mean?

I am sorry I have no idea what he means.

I have one alter that loves risky behavior.
I would really prefer that she never comes out, but she can be
triggered out, I don't have alot of control when this happens and
if it gets really bad, I lose time. 3hours to 3weeks. That I don't remember anything, when triggered, but we are together all the time.

Does that make sense???

You guilt tripped him so bad, while it is a totally different person, he still feels responsible. Way to go. He's also trying to cope with the fact it was his alter, not him. No offense, but if this marriage falls through, I really hope he finds someone a lot more supportive than you.

Smalltalk-Thanks so much for the reply. It always helps to hear about others that deal with this because most times it's similar stories to my husbands life, and it makes it real for me.

Bates=Well, one things for sure is that I can count on you to be blunt about your feelings and I have to appreciate that. But, you have to understand the hurt and pain that I feel, from my end of having had this happen to me and finding out about this AFTER the affair and AFTER my husband gave me excuses for 3 months as to why he slept with her. And, those reasons were because he was selfish and got gratification from obsessing sexually about other women. So, sorry that I can not be as "supportive" as he needs me to be, but with all due respect, when it comes down to it, I can only support him as much as he will allow. I can't give him the world, he has to give some too. Trust me, he's been with A LOT of different women in his lifetime and have dealt with a lot of people and there has never been, nor will there ever be another woman more supportive than I have been to him.

I'm so sorry this is happening, mrslspinks. You don't have to feel guilty about being angry... you are hurt and feel betrayed, and you have every right to feel that way.

There has to be some give and take in every relationship, and with someone who has what I'll call 'special needs' for lack of a better phrase, you need something from him in return... better communication in order to help him while validating your own feelings. If the communication isn't there, perhaps you need to have a facilitator to smooth the road for both of you. An obvious choice would be a good psychologist (which has been mentioned in another thread), and I understand that your husband is looking for a new one.

I hope that you find a way to communicate better and don't feel like your needs are second to his. You both deserve to be heard. Keep looking for a good shrink for him... I am sure they will have some tips for you as the SO of someone with DID if his last shrink was in fact wrong and he does have it. Best of luck to you both.

chickadee, thanks for your reply and your understanding. Yes, we are still calling around looking for a DID specialist. My husbands psychologist gave him a list a therapist in our area, but we haven't had much luck with any of them. Hopefully we will find one really soon that will be helpful to both of us.

One thing I have noticed about myself (the host) is that I have a long history of taking responsibility for the things my alters do. It's a way to keep control and hide the reality of the system from everyone.

I was responsible when my alter T. set me up to be raped at 15.
I was responsible for the sexual abuse that I experienced as a child.
I was responsible for my alter T. becoming pregnant with another man's child.
I was responsible for my alter S17 trying to run away from home.
I was responsible for....

A lot of things that I don't remember doing, that I didn't want to do, that were traumatizing for me. But for some reason, owning the experience and saying IT WAS ME! is liberating in some ways. It makes me feel less crazy, less damaged. Even though it really is more damaged than I'd like to admit.. I mean. I lost time. I lost control. Saying I was IN CONTROL AND IT WAS MEEEEE! is not a good thing at all. Because I wasn't. And it wasn't. And part of working with the system is realizing I was NOT in control and it was NOT me. And trying to make it so that I can effect the situations in the future.

Logically, we realize that IT WAS US. OUR BODIES. We had no control and we have no memory. Or we may have memories that we can't control. But we logically KNOW it was us. We logically KNOW that it happened to us and that some part of us did it. And we want to cling to that logic because the realities of DID are very unsettling and throw us off balance and make us sad and scared and feel like we're out of control.

Sometimes we even feel like we CAN take control back if we try hard enough. We'll feel like we're being pupeteered and we'll know we're being puppeteered and we'll think "I can stop this" but it's like we're trapped inside a lucite cage and we have no ability to do anything.But we still think that we can. So we feel guilty for the things we witnessed but could not stop.

I feel so ######6 guilty all the time.

Great, now you made EVERYONE feel like $#%^, Pinks!

.... kidding, kidding

Trixy-thanks so much. Your words always seems to mimic my life, my husbands story, as well as the things that my husband has said. During the first 3 months after the affair, my husband, or whomever was around at the time, would always say that he was selfish, did what he wanted to do, but on the other hand would continuously say "I had no control", "I didn't want to be there, I tried to get out" " I felt like I was possessed", etc. But, he has always just wanted to take responsibility for it. Initially we thought it was a sex addiction, he didn't want that to be the reason, he just wanted to accept the blame...he felt terrible, I know.

I don't want him(them) to feel guilty...I just want to understand everything so that I can be stronger for him and so that I can heal from all of the pain that I have suffered because of it. Thanks again, talking to you, everyone on this forum, even Bates really helps.

Harri- Don't feel guilty. People that truly care and are looking to understand don't want you to feel bad, guilty or ashamed because trust me, that doesn't make us feel good either. We just want to help

Hey Bates- I was wondering when you were going to post again. I hope I don't make people feel bad, that's not what I set out to do. Just trying to decode my husband and the others.