Continuing friendships/relationships of past hosts

This seems to be an area of great difficulty for us.

I know Kit resented having to 'pretend to be Maddie' for some people in the past (after Host Maddie just disappeared after some kind of shut down).

I haven't been out fronting for many years before I found myself at the front again this time around and because we've had a stroke between those times too I don't remember much about the people I'd find myself hanging out when we were at university. I would also be triggered out but only stay for short periods usually the host was overwhelmed in public and it would be my job to get us 'home' (and there was no communication between hosts back then we were completely unaware we may possibly have DID)...as soon as I reached our room and the door was locked i'd get switched out again and that's as much as i remember.

I remember one as 'my bestie' but maybe because we have a photo's of her and I'd known her for years personally being the one to interact with her and stay out in her presence for much longer ..I remember entire weekends away with her and a 2 week holiday we went on together and social time at 'deaf college', but she passed away some years ago now.

I remember family and our early years from before my mum originally passed, possibly because a lot of those alters seem to have blended together into Yuna, so remember those parts of my brother's life but still have big gaps missing.

Basically the years from Thea being away at university to me finding myself at the front again this time have huge chunks missing...I 'know' things happened but have no memory of that time unless another who was out at that time blends with me and shares that memory.

Our brain doesn't naturally seem to prioritise people in a memory unless it was someone they considered important eg I know we once went swimming with a dolphin from 'the littles' memory but don't remember the other people who went with us or when exactly it was as they were completely focused on the excitement of being in close contact with a real dolphin and they fact they got to touch it and he made eye contact with us. The excitement of that connection and the feeling of the touch is the only thing that seemed to get processed as worth remembering from the entire trip!

I guess also having to be isolated due to the pandemic too for the last 3 years where normally we may have seen more people and gone out more after a stroke to help memory recovery, may have impacted the issue too. Because it was Teen S that had been sent out front at the time and we could only see sibling (and their partner at the time) ...the earlier life memories were prioritised over 'current life'.

Twice now a neighbour has come to our door (different neighbours) and I must have looked at them blankly or something like I didn't recognise them as they told me their name!

I feel 'disconnected' from people who feel they 'know me' but i haven't a clue who they are or what our past relationship was? ...is this common for a host who hasn't been out for many years at the front or could it be effects from the stroke? (lack of recognition of neighbours etc...we've lived here over 10yrs!..so why didn't wasn't there instant memory who they were? )

Jay

This is one of those situations where it can also be the autism. Unless I interact with someone repeatedly for long periods of time, their name escapes me. Plus, you had a stroke and can say that you have had trouble holding onto people's names unless they are very important. So, if people wonder why you don't remember them, you can easily say that you are autistic and your memory works different or that you had a stroke and some memories are inaccessible.

We have only really interacted with a few people from our past and two of those are/were through social media. One of them was during the pandemic so we had the excuse of 'I don't recognize you with your mask' (but the reality is just we didn't hold on to her name/identity and the other time we ran into her it technically wasn't me (Vi) interacting with her (I was in what I'm starting to think of as 'co-pilot' mode).

We've only kept the relationships going with two of the people from the past, and they both know we are a system (one of them is also a system).

I hope this helped somewhat,
Vi

I think the difficulty maybe if the other person is persistent ...seeing you as they once knew you but you maybe having had changed host once or twice since ...maybe having alter that doesn't like them and feels trapped in a relationship they no longer want to be in and has no interest or intention of getting back in regular touch and a current host having no memory of who they (the other person) are or no feelings for them... either due to being intentionally blocked by others or other issues (or a combination). . if the person is felt to not be able to trusted cos your diagnosis may end up all over social media too ..then revealing DID is not an option to explain your way out of it either.

We may have to prepared to move leaving no forwarding details anywhere... or rent another place (holiday home/adapted caravan etc) in another name for spring/summer so we don't have to feel paranoid about sitting out in our garden or going out in the sun without some stalker obsessively watching us from a distance or threatening us with dropping by when they want!

Moving with no forwarding details in case a neighbor stops by and you don't remember their name seems a little drastic. (And sounds kind of overwhelming.)

ViTheta didn't say anything about revealing DID to anyone. They said you can use autism or having had a stroke as very legitimate and believable reasons to not remember someone's name. I definitely agree with you that it's not a good idea to reveal that to anyone you don't completely trust.

Has anyone been stalking you, or obsessively watching you, or threatening you? You could report that to the police.

People withdraw from friendships all the time--for all kinds of reasons. Just because someone knew you in the past doesn't mean you have any obligation to them. Even if they reach out a few times, you don't have to respond at all. If someone shows up on your doorstep, you don't have to let them in, or do more than greet them politely and then say that you're sorry, but you're in the middle of something, and you hope they have a nice day.

I think the bottom line is that someone else's expectation of who you are or how you should be doesn't need to dictate your actions, beyond basic courtesy and politeness. You're still in charge of what you do and who you choose to maintain relationships with.

This seems to be going well beyond what is necessary. Regarding names, I often just tell people 'I'm awful with names.' If someone is being problematic, you can tell them to leave you alone or you'll inform the authorities.

I was approaching this from the perspective of this being a former friend and not someone who might be a relative stranger, stalkery or problematic. Honestly, I'm surprised that people remember who (we) are.

I absolutely don't think you should tell someone you have DID unless you trust them, and as for the autism, that's a bit less of an issue, but yeah you don't have to reveal to anyone anything you don't want to.

Take care,
Vi

Sorry I feel I maybe didn't explain things very well?

@TheGangsAllHere - The 'moving issue' is not because of the 2 neighbours that came to the door, the information they came to give was relevant to us (one was to inform us another long-established neighbour had died, another was about replacing a fence between us that had blown over in a storm). It's the fact 'a past person' knows where we live and can continue to trigger (other alters) rage & paranoia by getting things posted through our door and their relative move closer is making us feel more 'threatened'.

@ViTheta you were right about comment of a 'former friend'

It started that way!..the issue was apparently they had sent something in the post previously which we never received so had then sent a relative (of theirs) who we were told now lives local to us and see's us when we're walking our dog... to our door with said note/card at xmas. (we only saw them on the doorcam after and I didn't know who it was).

I couldn't find any past emails or texts from this person at all, let alone more recently...that may indicate how close we once may have been and unfortunately their name was not bringing any images/memories to me...but still I sent a polite email response to the address given, explaining I wasn't well enough right now but would maybe consider an outdoor meet in the summer if my health had improved by then. If they had left it at that then everything would have probably been fine and we may have got round to doing that and finding out more and possibly even re-kindling the friendship...who knows?

However instead they sent back a rather 'entitled reply' that I guess felt more (to Kit) like a 'demand' ..unfortunately before I had chance to work out what they were talking about (as it was me -Jay - that opened the email) it triggered Kit out in a fit of rage..(this happened before they went into stasis nearer xmas) I don't remember anything else as Kit 'took over' and the rest is blocked and as the account was deleted after sending the reply I can't log back into it ...just says 'account no longer exists'.

Juno says Kit was encouraged/advised to keep it civil and explain from a 'medical viewpoint' ...still Kit being Kit...I would imagine she managed to get her point across exactly as she saw it!

Since that incident... I (Jay) have been aware of feelings of paranoia ...I'm actually finding it harder when the others aren't coming out fully because at least then I knew who the thoughts belonged to! ..it's then often more obvious (depending who it is) whether they're reacting to something that happened only in their inner world scenario's or whether the event actually is happening 'in the outside world'!

I've been trying to reassure myself with more research on the peri-menopause and apparently feelings of paranoia can get extremely bad for some..so I'm trying to tell myself it's just that and trying to focus on helping the system feel calmer...(CBD oil and meditation) and hoping the intensity of the emotions pass and that the other person involved will respectfully back off to give us some breathing space to get through this and get our life back on track.

If we're left well alone (by said person) I guess we probably won't move as wouldn't want to make a bad mistake (plus the stress of having to go through all that could trigger heart attack/stroke/shut down etc) that we might regret a few years down the line when the menopause eventually passes (or intensity eases off) and we realise we made a terrible mistake in a 'blind panic' when no-one was actually stalking us at all but the symptoms were just so bad we (or some of us) were absolutely convinced they were!

We're not going out today so don't have to cope with 'feeling followed/watched' as Mr Woof was limping a bit yesterday (temps turned freezing again here this week),given him some extra painkillers and will see how he is tomorrow for walkies.

Meanwhile I think I need a stronger dose of CBD and some more deep breathing!!

Sorry that's so long but felt a more detailed response was needed and thanks for answering!

Jay

You do not need to apologize for the detailed reply. You needed to talk about this and that's fine.

Being hypervigilant is somewhat normal in this situation and with DID. You have suffered trauma and that leads to hypervigilance. That's normal for anyone who suffered trauma. However, the problem for you is that Kit is hiding what that trauma is and it means you cannot handle it properly. It sounds like Kit suffered trauma at the hands of this particular person and that may include long stints having to pretend to be someone they are not.

Hopefully, Kit did not make the situation worse than it was, and this person understand that you do not with to see them any more. It sounds like they are not local, so that is less of an issue, and if this relative of theirs shows up, simply inform them that you value your privacy and will inform the relevant authorities if they show up again. Humans are hard to understand and predict, but hopefully they will not show up again. After all, the relative was doing a favor while they were in the area. If they send more letters, simply trash them unopened if you wish. After a while, they will likely get the hint that they are not welcome in your life.

It sounds like you are aware that moving would be too much of a burden on you all, on Mr. Woof, and so forth. You should not have to run just to get away from this person and hopefully they got the hint. After all, it has been some time since they did this so hopefully it is over.

Good luck and be well,
Beth

Thank you Beth (@ViTheta) It's difficult isn't it? i don't want to be seen as a bad host or a bad friend but I feel I must put our systems needs first..as we are after all a system because of what other people had done to us in the past (early years)...and I do believe that Kit is just doing her 'job' trying to protect us 'from hurt' in her own (perhaps misguided) way.

We're all a bit frazzled lately ..from the constant onslaught of never ending symptoms! but the system seems to be constantly trying different combinations of things and alters together to see what works and what doesn't...so I guess we'll get there in the end! ..wherever 'there' is for us!

Jay

You are welcome Jay.

I can understand the fear involved and that Kit thought that what she was doing was to protect the system. It is all a balancing act between alters and what we want to protect verses what we need to know. It is not easy, and I know that systems sometimes have to rebalance and find common ground all the time.

Feeling constantly overwhelmed due to the body being fleshy and easily hurt doesn't hep much too. I do hope this person got the message and won't harass you again.

We are already starting to work out eventually moving away from the city we live in even though it will mean a lot of change, but there are so many Bad Memories here. We understand. We really do.

Take care of yourself and be well,
Beth.