TW Bringing back, merging with, my 2 year old who was abused

***Trigger Warning **** (Abuse, pedophilia, child death, blood, psychopath, merging, sexual abuse, rape)



**additional moderator added trigger warnings for extreme abuse, read with caution, thanks!***





















I am currently trying to merge with my 2 year old core part. I was told cores can't fracture, but mine did a few times. The first time was when I was 2. She is 80%, and the rest is 20%. I'm in the 20%. If I don't merge with my child self, I and her will likely become dark, dormant. I've been trying to keep control away from my parts after being suppressed for about 25 years. I got some of the information and feelings during that time, but I wasn't in the drivers seat. I feel like I'm still 17 and I'm 46. My parts feel like I can't handle being out and keep trying to take control. I merged with one core part I found. She was so full of pain and looked like my mother who was extremely abusive. She had so much pain, but parts that tried to share it would die. Parts that tried to even connect to her to help her share it sometimes died. So she was all alone. Atleast one other core part of me is stuck in a memory in the ground. I tried to unearth her, but it was too overwhelming. So I had to put her back till I could get stronger. So that's 3 core parts that are alone and filled with pain most of my life. That's why I felt so alone my whole life, I think. Why I felt alone no matter who was around. But when I was alone, it was devastating till I figured out how to deal. It's still hard.

I do alot of visualizing and it helps me to communicate and, unfortunately, fight with my parts. I don't fight all of them, just some. They can't see the big picture because they aren't core parts.

I found my 2 year old after remembering roughly the worst part, the night I shattered. My mom was being seduced by a pedophile. She herself was also a pedophile, but I'm not sure if she had acted on it yet at that point. They both sexually assaulted me on my moms bed. I began bleeding. A 2 year old being raped....not good. Then I stopped moving. I remember him calling for my mom with panic in his voice. Then I don't remember for a while. But the next thing was me being carried in a black garbage bag. I won't go through all the details, except the most significant one.

My mom was/is a sexually sadistic psychopath. She craves attention. She was upset that the man wanted to open the garbage bag to say goodbye. They thought I was dead. He was crying. She didn't like that he was giving me attention. She kicked me into a grave he had just dug. In that moment I remember thinking...My mommy hates me. Then the dirt started and that's the end of my little girls memories. I started crying after I shattered, after my core piece broke off. The man pulled me out and held me. My mother was annoyed I was still alive.

Now my 2 year old self is reemerging. She is so much bigger than me. Since a 2 year old can't be incharge of a 46 year olds body, she has to grow up. She needs help and therapy of sorts to deal with what happened to her. I have isolated both of us into her core world and blocked all but one part. The one part only comes out when she is needed. I felt like outside influences would make it so she may grow apart from me rather than together. If she did that, we may end up both gone. My parts, I have so many, they want to take over. They keep trying. They even used my little girl while she was dormant to try to wage war against me by using her power, or what they could of it. Our only hope to stay out and not disappear forever (as my parts have told me) is for the two of us to merge. So that's what I'm trying to do.

She came out, really came out, for the first time yesterday. She was so upset because she was standing in the kitchen and her leg started cramping. She didn't know what to do. Then she realized she was alone (I live alone) and she got even more upset. I was able to talk to her on the inside and it helped. She was only out for 15 minutes about. Today, though, she came out for 3 hours. She is in so much pain. I'm not a psychologist. But I'm trying to help her. I do have a counselor I will be consulting soon. I knew she was coming and got her dolls and crayons so she could have stuff. I listened to her and felt her emotions so I was able to get dolls she wanted. I got a barbie and ken that represented my mom and the man. She destroyed my mom, but was undecided about the man.

She tore his legs off, but wanted him to hold her. She cried and wished he would come hold her now. He had told her he was her daddy and she embraced that. I realized she had lost everything. She lost her family, her home, her body, everything. She's in such deep mourning. She cries, screams and then is calm, back and forth. She wanted to talk to the man, which I have a version of him in my head. When he talked to her, she freaked out when he recognized her and called her "sweetie". She talked to me for a bit. She wanted to cut ken off at the waist so he would just hold her and not hurt her. I offered her the chance to do that to the man inside. She called him again and he came over again. This time she took a huge knife and cut off his penis. Then she asked him for a hug. He was shocked. finally he said "You CUT OFF MY PENIS!!!" She was very upset and pushed him out of her core again.

I don't know if I'm even doing the right things, but I'm trying. I could hear myself talking to her, telling her over and over in different ways that mommy can't love, not that mommy can't love her. That what the two did was horrible and not okay. It was against the rules of sex and I explained consent to her in alot of different ways. I've told her how it's really not okay for adults to have sex with children.

This is being reinforced by my boyfriend who is freaking out about all this a bit. He says if she came out while we were having sex, he would never be able to touch me again. So I had to explain why to the little girl. That he, appropriately, does not want to have sex with a child. That he is a good guy and good guys don't have sex with children.

That led to her confusion about how much she loves the man and she felt like the man loved her. I told her that he did indeed love her, but he loved her in the wrong way. That was hard to explain and I'm not sure I did it right. I told her it was okay to love my mom or not love her. It was okay to love the man, or not love him. She could hate them, she could be angry at them, she could miss them, and all of her feelings were okay to have.

I also got her an 18 inch doll with blond hair and blue eyes, just like she did at age2. She loves that doll already. She wouldn't do anything without it. She did what I've heard little kids do. She was trying to help the doll feel better. I do that as an adult in a way. When I'm upset, I tend to dote on people I love to feel better. She was doting on the doll, making sure she wiped her nose and things like that. It was sad and beautiful.

She also did kid things. I was recording her with a mic and she would play with the mic and laugh. Make noises and even put her whole mouth over the mic. Then she'd laugh so cute. She reminded me of a baby.

I don't know why I need to post this, I just need to talk I guess. I don't really need advice, but I would listen if someone had some.

I don't know what to do about my boyfriend. He is really like "OMG" about me turning into a 2 year old. My head says she will be an average age of 12 within the year. However, I will have a kind of accordion age for the rest of my life. Still, my head tells me, eventually, I won't dip down to below 5 very often. It will be rare. My little girl is already showing signs of a child of 4 or 5, kinda fluctuating by the minute sometimes.

We already decided, me and my boyfriend, that we wouldn't have sex with each other if she was young and out. I've gone over consent stuff with her, but haven't gone into the idea of her having sex with my boyfriend, other than to say that if she ever did, it would be as someone who is older. She has to grow up a bit first. Also told her she would have to consent and ask for it. But then comes the grey area. Like, if she's a bit merged with me, she's also fairly detached from most of my experiences, but she is present some. So, then sex can be had, I think. But now that I've seen her reactions....she can't handle the color red. She can't stand the sight of women's genitalia. She seems okay with a mans genitalia other than the mans parts who hurt her. But even having sex when she's not that present....I mean...What if she's more present than I think. What if it affects her. And as days go by, I become more and more merged with her. I will also be merged completely, according to my head, within the year. As I merge, she is more present.

Another issue....I'm a sex addict. God. This whole situation is so complicated. I'm willing to go without sex for a while. But I am worried about my relationship. I think he'll be okay going without sex if I give him head. I don't know if that's okay with my little girl, even if she isn't fully present. I just don't know how to handle this. It's not like a part that I can move away, block what the part sees. She is merging. She is becoming one with me. She already has access to all the abuse I've had in my life and my sex life. She is connecting to me quickly. I told her she has a say in anything that upsets her alot. If anything is upsetting, I will try to fix it, even if she's only partly present. I can feel her emotions and hear her thoughts to a point.

He told me he was okay with her talking to him. But when she tried to text him, he said "Hi, how was your day?" and when she said she was "little" he didn't text back. She texted him 3 more times then sent a sad crying face to him. It was very painful for her. I tried to explain the reasons he may not have responded and it seemed to help, but I'm hurt too. I need him in my life. He is my life line right now. I'm not "co-dependant", and I've verified that with my therapist who says I'm anything but. However, I lost my whole family recently. So I'm very upset about that. Also dealing with a variety of other issues, mostly from all the abuse that's now hitting me. My wall broke last year so alot of this feels like it just happened. For my little girl, it literally did. She thought she was dead for 44 years. Now she's rising from the grave in some ways. Anyways, I could use some encouragement....but I really can't handle criticism right now. Please be nice.