what the ###$ is reality?

John went looking today and found something. something he shouldn't have found. a trigger, we're losing ourselves with the memories. somethings making us forget, its internal, its not fixable, drugs only make things worse. what comes to mind is rapid and in succession. what goes, who knows. found memories, are they even memories? or rationalized perceptions of my environment that are being induced by some trigger in my life? all i know is im getting memories, but these arent real. i've allready disproved 3 seperate memories as fabricated but they are just as real and just as vivid as the rest. its like one eye is seeing the past, one eye is seeing the present, things arent matching up, reality is being redefined, and im lost in the confusion that is, or in this case, isnt my life. im trying to save myself but myself keeps slipping away.

what the hell is going on

Calm down, Johnny, just lay down, relax, and let the flashbacks roll. Don't get up unless you really have to. Otherwise, let that $#%^ play through until it's done.

Don't try to wander on real/not real too much, let it come over you like Bates' suggested, and sorting out what's real and not real can come when you have all the info and don't get confused by it. Otherwise, just forget it and live with it, even if it does feel like losing reality, the flow of memory and of things that blur with memory while you're still unable to access everything in your mind, searching for things while not really ready.. even things blurring with real memories can serve as a protection, just as the DID protects you. Secrecry about DID and about the things that happen/have happened are just about the essential thing to DID, and this doesn't just imply secrecy towards your environment, but towards yourself/yourselves too! If you're not confused, you can't get lost in denial and you can't supply the image of a singleton to your environment.. if it's not safe to know what happened and the memories can no longer be stopped from coming, mixing things up is the safest thing to do according to the subconscious DID-system, you have to doubt and present a doubtful picture to be safe of the reality, because you can't reach out to it anyway. Really, DID outsmarts plenty of people.. just stay still in the storm, and don't forget to live.

excellent advice! it scares the hell out of you at first. i try to ground myself in safe stuff around me at present, and try not to think too much. just feel the surroundings and realize that phyically there is no present danger. we are in a safe place right now. sometimes listening to my favorite music real loud helps. whatever feels good at the time. ((((((((((hugs))))))))))) all always there for you if you need them! we care, you are not alone!

benny