TRIGGER WARNING: Prts that love abusers..teen parts

This is only my second post ever....so I'm nervous.

*** TRIGGER WARNING: mention of incest and childhood sexual abuse ***

Here goes...

This will be long I can already feel myself trying to explain it too much because of how ashamed I am. So if anyone can read through this bless you so much. Thank you for giving me a safe place to discuss.

My parents were amazingly awful to me. They were abused too but that is no excuse.

I remember telling on my dad when I was around 2 or 3. My mother was self centered and both of my parents are still involved in some sort of blackmail money laundering thing. I was collateral my mother always told me how she never wanted me and she did sadistic sexual abuse to me and did a lot of it under the guise of medical attention.

Our doctor was in this cult/pedophile syndicate whatever you wanna call it....gosh I get terrified they'll find me for typing that but screw them.

Mom would give me drugs to make me sick for either attention and or rituals or pimping me out as a baby. I spent my first few years in a strip mall and I have always been explained my own memories by her because she tried to lay groundwork to keep me from remembering.......i.e. at two years old I had a massive black eye that lasted weeks (from sexual abuse) and she claims I pulled a charger out from the wall and busted myself and that "strangers" gave her dirty looks for weeks. Other black eyes and bleeding was from pulling irons down on myself falling etc. She has a story for everything.

I'm trying not to get into too much detail in case I'm found....but I told my mom at 2-3 that when daddy and I took showers he washed 'me' with soap and it hurt my privates. I used my hands to show soap violently stabbing me. I remember her rushing him right then and there and telling him not to put soap inside as it could give me an infection.
I remember thinking then that must be the only issue and that daddy would quit hurting me in the shower. I was frustrated because it was scary to tell her but I didn't like him hurting me. They would try to stretch me out so I could be used without getting caught.

I have a LOT of lost time due to DID...yet VIVID memories at early ages. I've recently found some pieces inside that can't speak. Babies that I've gotten good at caring for.... I'm working on Tigers and butterflies you know the kinds....those are from the ritual sexual abuse at my freak grandmother's house and her freak husband.

I was 'chosen' for my distinct features and I was used for stuff I don't want to get into too much right now as it scares parts of me and I'm trying to respect that.

Anywho............ I was used for sex from infancy so I'm not sure if this was a talking-test I failed because I began speaking full sentences before I turned two (to save my life!) And told people then my daddy taught me how to kiss like that (this coming from mother who said I would French kiss the men in the mall and they asked me who taught me how to kiss like that and she said I told them my daddy. She then said 'that's when I knew I had to quit watching so much TV in front of you..shahan so funny. Her lazy butt made me clean starting at 3 while she sat and watched tv. ) see she tries to plant memories and reinforce them so I'm all jumbled with what are my memories or hers. Anyway at 6 my parents burst into my room and started screaming at me. They said my best friend didn't want to invite me to her party and when her parents were shocked and asked why she told them it was because I made her touch my privates. This very well could have happened but I don't have memory of it. I know I loved my friends. They were all I had in a way. So my parents start screaming at me and demanding I tell them who else I did this to but I didn't- so when they kept demanding I just named off every kid I knew. My parents continued to scream and talked about losing their position at church (my church was a pedophile front not the real deal but oh well at least I learned Jesus could save me from the hell they created). My dad told me at 6 years old I was a pedophile and I was going to go to prison if I ever talked about it or did that to any other KID again. So they made me walk up to her parents at 6 and said I was sorry for molesting their daughter. In the middle of church. The parents told me no no we aren't mad at U honey and were visibly upset my parents did it that way. I got 30 spankings every night for months as just punishment for being a pedophile. I split into the ugly cherubs above my parents nasty bed. Then mom rented a sex DVD for 12 and up and made me and little bros watch it with them and suddenly I am being told the things I HAVE to do with the adults in my life (there were many) is WRONG and DIRTY. mother then goes on to tell EBRRY person we know she made us watch the video like she is so progressive.....she has spent my entire life laying groundwork and cover should I ever speak out so she can say "no you saw it in TV not us." And we never ever ever spoke of that ever again!

I was on a sex trip with my parents. ** mod edit ** My dad screamed at me the whole way to the hotel room how I was disgusting and knew where to use the potty.
He was physically abusing me but mother always stepped in not to save me but to save HIM from getting busted.
So dad could be loving one minute and then absolutely hateful the next. He tickled me a lot which I saw as love and affection and mother NEVER touched me unless she was abusing me. She gets off on humiliating any living creature. I get upset when I realize she is still out there and has babies around her and she calls them "mr. Yummy" or some sort. She disgusts me and always has.

I recently made peace tho with the part of me that loved her and thought she was beautiful and just wanted her to love me. That was healing. It was a baby.

But I'm having a difficult time with some younger parts who were as they think "in a relationship with daddy."

Oh gosh. I'm embarrassed.

I'm having extreme flashbacks when trying to be intimate and I feel the absolute ick and depression from wanting the attention but the guilt of the abuse. So I know the parts after 6 years old who knew what sex was felt guilt for what we did. But the younger parts craved it and loved it and wanted to make him happy and enjoyed the abuse.

I got special privileges. I got to go out of town at rando times (when dad's hidden boss made him do runs across country).... I'd always get to go with daddy. We could stay up late and eat ice cream and watch TV and sleep together on the couch.

Mom always came into my bedroom or bathroom to abuse me. She would get ticked when shef go to abuse me but I was safe on couch. Dad always did it out of town or on the couch so I never wanted to sleep in my room because he was not as scary as her.

So I know one of the trips I have a vivid memory one he talked about all the time and tried to use to get me to do whatever he wanted he'd call me his cherry Coke girl.
The night I got in contact with her I wept so deeply I had to bury my face in a towel for a few hours but I felt SO good letting all of that grief out.

He had another code when I was a toddler and that code made me do sexy poses for cameras. She doesn't think anything wrong so I just tell her if anyone says her name she does not listen to them and she trust ME.

BACK to Chery Coke girl....we were at the ocean which I LOVE and I wanted to go so badly. I was probably 8. This time we went far. My abuse had stopped at 7 when I had tl have emergency bowel surgery and the abuse was obvious to all of the doctors (but small town and even if they wanted to report it the syndicate wouldn't have allowed it to go far).... so I think my sexual abuse from dad had stopped for a time out of fear......I don't remember the actual act I just remember leaving the hotel room in the middle of the night when we were done and we sat out on these lounge chairs and listened to the ocean. He got up to get us a treat and when he left me there for the vending machine I remember feeling like the "what happens now?" Feeling since we'd just gone farther than we had before. It was like at that moment I became his grown up girlfriend in my mind. He came back with a cherry coke and we enjoyed them together. I'm not sure what we did.

So there are fierce little pieces of me that idolize dad. He used to duct tape me hog tie and throw me in suitcases and put tape over my mouth and said I needed to see if I could escape if I was kidnapped....these little pieces defend that and say he was looking out for me.

My mother DID try to kill me a lot and make it look like every day accidents. So I guess he was better than HER. Wow.

Dad would film me and make films of me dying and he'd use my same outfit and a wig and stuff it to like run me over with a car or have me die all sorts of ways. I think he had to send off videos of me. They set up elaborate nights out to make me think I'd seen murdered women in my old clothes...but thank GOd I had a family member that hated seeing me lose my $#%^ so she would tell me it wasn't real. It was dummies.

I know I'll be upsetting parts of myself for telling anyone the bad parts of my dad.
But I want it out here in space so I can read it when the denial factor rears its head.


I feel like it is possible my dad had DID too? Like he was in an intimate childish relationship with me one minute and the next he was being sexually dominated by the mother and she made sure zi heard it saw it and knew she was who he desired. Sometimes we connected on being her victim....but if I tried to say anything he'd turn on me quickly.

I don't know how to connect with that little committee that thinks dad is handsome and amazing and loving and was aroused and pleasured by his abuse because he didn't do it to humiliate me. Those little parts are pretentious and think he's misunderstood.
Another layer was my mom was so evil to me and my innocence and appeal to the men she aged out for was something I could 'win' at. She made fun of my body all the time but I knew dad liked mine better. They all did. And sickly that felt good to win at something.

As an adult I see how upsetting it is that he groomed me and my body flashbacks I feel the incredible GUILT for taking what affection I could get even tho I knew it was wrong.

I have a hard time relating to that part of me or communicating because those parts are also loud mouths where I am mostly shy....they tell anyone they can good stories with dad and I get so embarrassed they are bringing him up.

People know I had an abusive upbringing but then I'm singsonging my dads amazing praises.

And maybe this belongs on a new thread but my first love saved me because he showed me what healthy love looked like. He spent two years wooing me. It was a Romeo and juliet situation and when we got caught I had to make deals so they didn't put out an immediate hit out. So the angriest parts of me hate my parents and want my first love and they confuse my amazing husband for my dad and think we need to find our first love. I have to deal with them too they are teens. They only want to be intimate with our first love and are repulsed by my wonderful kind husband because he has an adult body and they feel they are being raped again.

At 15 I think maybe memories surfaced or dad or someone else ritually raped me because I lost time and got so unbelievably sick that everyone noticed when I came back from Christmas break how malnourished I was (went from 90 pounds to 78 at 5"5') my first love knew bad things were happening in my home. At 14 just before I met first love I had night terrors so bad and would have to sleep in my parents bed. Mom would get naked to deter me but I couldn't sleep without my dad or I'd have the night terrors screaming out for him. Then mom told me I was sick when dad was out of town and gave me "medicine"....had to have been LSD or acid because I hallucinated and was scared shitless. I won't wrote what I saw unless someone asks. And the hallucinogens made me lose the memories that were causing the night terrors. Thanks Mom.

He tried to help me get emancipated at 17 and run away but I was subjected to so much brainwashing and torture that I eventually chose my cult over him....and after I made the plea deal to never speak to him again (I loved him so muchhhh) my dad said he was STILL going to have him murdered.....so I tried to dissociate the whole thing. They said if I ever spoke to him again they would have him killed.

When I first started dating my husband a friend reached out to me and said first love wanted to call me and tell me happy birthday. I didn't understand my resction at the time because I had pushed the memories down as this was years later but I panicked and told that friend not to give him my number and then phoned my mom and told her in my TWENTIES what had happened but that I did NOT speak to First love.

Fortunstelt he stays hidden because he must know. I worry sometimes about my teens looking for him and that would hurt my husband. I find his name in my search history and I have dreams where so am looking for him. Idk. Don't want to hurt my husband but also wish I could get closure and tell my first love how sorry I am that I wasn't strong enough to run away with him.....but we'dhave most likely wound up dead. First loves mom told me and him while she was driving me back and we were being followed <gang stalked> that she really cared about me but she was worried that the people my parents had following us all were going to hurt us. Me and first love.......that was when I decided to end it....

And first love tried begging me to talk to him and I kept running away and a teacher saw him holding on to me and yelled at him to let me go. I glared at first love like those pitiful scenes where the kid is kicking the dog he loves telling him to 'get'

That was the last time I ever interacted with him.

Except for ONE dream I did get to see him and he hugged me and I apologized. I have since quit searching so hard for him in my dreams.......but it is very hard when I wake up in the wrong time era and I'm confused about my husband. It helps they are both of the same race so I can tell myself First Love was safe from being in the cult and so is Forever Love.

Huh. Writing that out I think I can show my teens that first love and second love are on the same team and that first love would want me to have forever love.

Wow.....do I dare hit submit?

Now how to talk to the littles who embarrass me for loving dad.

Maybe it's the teens too who are angry at the littles who love the man that wants to murder first love.

I'm not crazy. I'm not. I hope that's okay to say.

My mother was more sadistic than my father. I understand where you care coming from.

For me it's been a really slow process. At first I thought my childhood was perfect / normal. Then in therapy ten years ago I started to talk about my childhood and realised actually it was psychologically and emotionally abusive. Somehow, probably because of my own feelings, I left convinced my father was safer than my mother - which technically by comparison he is but obviously still very abusive. Somehow the therapy or my way of saying things made it seem like my mother was to blame. Yes she did lead, instigate and deal with covering up more than my father and is more sadistic but still in reality they are both abusive.

This meant I limited contact with my mother alot more than I limited it with my father. My parents are seperated and my main concern was my children. I didn't remember any SA till more recently when an alter came back who hadn't been around for about 20 years. My father had zero interest in my children but I would meet with him alone alot to eat lunch and talk. My mother was more interested in my children so she would come for an hour or so to my house after school and see them once every couple of months at weekends. Before therapy contact was alot lot more. Limiting that much was a big step but I am so relieved I had that therapy and managed to limit it. Now I have zero contact with either of them.

Sorry I digressed. I think all of it is alot to take in all in one go. To throw out the notion, the lies and the denial is really really difficult. When I had that therapy 10 years ago simply accepting I had a "jealous insecure mother" was incredibly difficult. The therapist used that term, it's alot more digestible than how I see her now - sadistic, sick and abusive. If the therapist hadn't used a more digestible term I probably wouldn't have digested it at all.

Like you I still have pangs of "mother is ok really" that come from young parts or fragments. The only way to deal with it is moment to moment. When I feel that I say to myself (think it back to whoever is being sentimental) "no" and then I imagine being around her and other feelings, thoughts and body memory start to kick in and it stops the pang. I don't have it so much as an odd pang with my father. With my father it's just always there "he's not that bad" but I know he is so again as necessary I remind myself.

Mammals have it in built to see their parents as comfort. Breaking that is very difficult. There is a rhesus monkey experiment conducted by Harry Harlow. The baby monkies were given different mother figures. They all would return to that mother figure when needing comfort. Even the ones who had a spikey metal mother that would cause injury. That's how inbuilt it is to return to abusive parents. So the thing I say to myself the most is "stop being a rhesus monkey"

Much luck
Sarah

Sarah!

I am so grateful for your response. I knew about Pavlovs dogs and the torture they endured but I never heard of the Rhesus Monkeys until now! I find that to be a very helpful picture of what is going on when I crave that comfort!

I am sorry that you endured what you did but I am also comforted knowing you can relate and that you are still keeping on with your life and growing and that gives me hope for myself. I think I'll think of YOU as well and remind myself I'm not so alone in the world....that t it wasn't my fault because I was some anomaly of a child.

Since my parents were actively seeking to end my life I cut myself off before having children. The idea of having my mother around children (any children even other people's) gives me great anxiety so I fortunately didn't have to deal with that. You sound very strong.

I loved babies growing up and mom always claimed to love babies so she would volunteer in church nurseries and she was a baby snatcher in social situations. I just realized this is why I had such a strong reaction to idiots grabbing my babies. My instincts kicked in and I did not find it funny at all when people refused to hand my babies back or joked they would stuff them in their suitcase and keep them because they were too cute. I cut all of those people out as well because I had a low tolerance for anyone which didn't respect me as a mother.... The adults around my mom all wrote it off that she just loved babies but when I was alone with her and just the babies I saw her abuse them and I would become enraged the older I got and blow her cover. I wanted to protect the babies. Dad would have been interested in my kids (he likes them once they can talk because he loves scaring them and messing with their minds he thinks it's all good fun and toughing them up.) I knew I'd never want him around my kids because he would try to indoctrinate them with his life lenses. He would frequently bring up in fights even when I was in school that one day I would keep as he would say "my grandkids" (my future children) from him one day and I was a terrorist.

Sometimes I still struggle with knowing she is allowed around babies and I'm not there to warn people. Some people are SO oblivious to whom their babies are around!

I had one really good therapist before I even knew about DID let alone depression that I had to see when I got flagged in a doctors appt and she did the same thing- she explained to me that my parents were the children and I'd unfortunately always have to be the adult in order to stay safe. She told me it wasn't fair and it wouldn't be easy but they would never be able to offer me the solace that adult parents would. I never thought of it your way that if she would have gone much farther into explaining this to me at the time I'd have rejected everything she said. That appointment was the first time I ever accepted there could be something wrong with THEM. And because this was in another town and the lady knew nothing about my parents and she saw through me trying to make sure they sounded good for the first time got through to me. I had been programmed to believe if anyone said anything bad about my parents it was because I somehow misrepresented them or the situation.

So what you've said has shown me the beauty in taking it slow and not to beat myself up for only being able to absorb the facts in layers over time.

One time she bragged for months how she smacked a baby in nursery because it bit the baby she was holding. She told everyone about how evil the other baby was. Things like that always happened around her. Sometimes it was a cover story because she'd bit a baby and trying to frame another baby. I don't believe babies are evil, only learning. When you said the mother figure with metal spikes that's how it's always felt loving my mother. And anyone handing that woman a baby is like placing them on a bed of nails.

Thank you so much Sarah. I will treasure your thoughts and you taking time to respond to me and read my rambling.

I guess I'll post this here...

**trigger warning: denial and incest and integrating**
But today someone is present who wants to point out that Dad was a victim of his horrible childhood and maybe he meant no harm or maybe he was just lost and experimenting and didn't think it would affect me so much....and then the most insulting.... maybe he never did anything bad to us and the other parts are lying. This part just wants the comforting image of a good dad and will try to say whatever it takes to get that image back.


It's one of those parts bonded to my father and it's so hard to have those thoughts be swirling around in my head. There is such an intense love for our father and these little parts. I guess I'll just remind them gently of the facts and explain to them the father they deserved.

I had a therapist say that some therapists when not specialized in dealing with incest can shame survivors for this typical response. There are parts that wish they could suppress the hurt so they can still pretend a relationship was nice.

Last night someone wanted to make a PB and Jelly at 1AM so I allowed them. It was a MESSY sandwich so I'm guessing someone very young. I was patient and allowed the mess. When I access the littles who carry all of the shame I have an intense ache in my joints mostly my legs and wrists. The cult doc always wrote it off as growing pains or all in my head but in adulthood some have speculated juvenile arthritis or other issues.

Anyway....I know they're present now when the pain begins and I try to work on making sure they know it's not their fault.

Had a pretty big break through telling the sandwhich maker while we ate.... that God isn't ashamed of her (EVER) and neither am I. It was the most loving feeling ever. No tears just smiles and a (finally) good sound sleep! Still had the aches but they dissipated enough with the heating pad that I drifted off to sleep quickly.

Maybe the other little today needs to be told the same thing? But I AM ashamed of loving my parents. And I AM ashamed of the littles who love them. Loving my mother is very rare but loving and idealizing my father is more of a common issue. Back to the rhesus monkey I suppose.

I have this idea in my head that if I get to those littles stuck in pain that my aches will stop. Clearly I'm still hurting them by being ashamed. I think they should know better but they are SO young.

Maybe if I acknowledge it something like this: I know you love him and wish you could still be around him but we have to tell the truth. And the truth is you must be protected from your dad because he is sick and he did things he wasn't supposed to do.
I have a very hard time accepting other people have consequences they must accept. I feel like my whole purpose in life is to take those away from people. I HAVE been growing in boundaries and understanding people and their actions and their consequences belong to THEM not me.

So to the little today I'm going to try to say: your dad did things he wasn't supposed to do and now he has to be kept away. It was not your fault and you can still love him if you want to but there are others here that need you and we need you to tell the truth and that doesn't mean....

Oh!

She feels like if we admit the incest and abuse then her being loved and accepted was a lie and she isn't loved by the dad and she ceases to exist. She's afraid of disappearing if dad didn't love her because mom frequently let it be known she was not loved or wanted and mother said entire life how she wished she never had her.

That is something I can try to work with! Giving this little a place to be loved and accepted and ease the fear of integrating which is my goal. I think I'll give the littles all to one another to love and take care of because I was kept so isolated that I just wanted friends. (I had plenty of what adults thought were imaginary but I think they were parts.)

They can be one another's friends and be loved and show love in appropriate ways.

I could delete this whole thing but I'll leave it here because it's progress.