TW very negative post.. lowest thoughts.

Hey, I guess you can call me Amy.
I wrote this on the phone so there might be mistakes or crap dividers.

If you are sensitive to.. well.. any subject, best not read this. I don't know if this will help or be useful, I doubt it but hey.

I'm honestly just upset with a lot of things, and it doesn't help talking to people around me because they don't seem to have the patience or understand, or they just think I'm complaining. One person thinks we can tackle all the issues in time, but I don't know if we actually can because there is so much.
This is going to sound incredibly whiny but I am just so fed up with myself and my body.
Ever since I was little my mother would tell me I was just like my dad anytime I complained about pain or not feeling well, she said I was "just like your dad, he also always complained about every little thing."
This caused me to not see a doctor frequently, to the point where I once almost lost the ability to breathe due to severe asthma, which only improved once we finally went to the doctor.
Also once when I was 13 I had a big rash over half my torso, which was apparently something rare only old people got, and we only went once my teacher wrote my mother a note, because she heard me complain to other kids and saw me lift up my shirt.
That's a trend, by the way. So I have developed the habit of toughening things out and not seeing a doctor, which im trying to unlearn.
I apparently am prone to having rare things going on with my body, having DID, being ambidextrous and having a close to eidetic memory. Which used to make me feel special, the memory thing I mean. I never actually knew i was ambidextrous until I broke my hand a few months back. I still can't write with it so I took up writing with left now. Apparently it's more legible to people as well.
I'm sick and tired of hearing about how special or rare things are that affect me. There's more things but it just doesn't matter. I hate it. I don't want to be special. I don't want to have rare things.
I mean who is allergic to coconut, of all things?
My teeth are another one of those. I actually never grew one of my adult teeth, so even though I'm an adult, I still have a baby tooth. On top of that, all my teeth are soft inside, so if i get a cavity my tooth is pretty much gone. This has resulted in almost all my teeth having had rootcanal surgery and many patch up jobs, despite me brushing them and doing my best to keep them healthy. Im 26. My teeth are already this bad. I don't want to have fake teeth by them time im 35. But even with all that, I have another cavity in the baby tooth, and my dentist had to call off my appointment cause of covid-19. I'm constantly worried because food gets trapped in it and it tastes bad.
I hate being stuck in these situations, but they happen almost every year.
Then there's my lungs, when I was a toddler I had to sit on a breathing apparatus several times a day, and I've had inhalers my whole life. This never stopped my parents from smoking though, but you know, not like I ever mattered. My mom has gotten better over the years, 3 years go she opened the window during breakfast because she and stepfather were smoking, but he complained and told her to shut it. She tried to protest but he won't have that. At least she tried.
When at school they tested our lung capacity, I scored lowest, below the guy in my class who smoked. He got a good talking to about smoking, but I don't remember what was said to me.
Then there's my stupid reproductive system. Not only have I been diagnosed with pcos when I was 20, but my period cramps are so severe I can't sit or stand up on the worst days. I'm going to go back to the doctor about it because it happens with every birthcontrol. I'm going to ask her what else it could be because with my amazing luck it might be endometriosis, and I know a woman who has that and her life is hell. I don't want that so I hope I don't have it, but only one way to find out, and that's going to a doctor.
On top of that I'm blessed with ptsd, and DID. I don't mind the DID asuch, though at the moment no one is switching and I'm stuck out here all the time. The boyfriend misses the rest and it makes me feel horrible because I'm probably locking everyone else out. The little tries from time to time but even that is getting less. When they don't come out I get banging headaches and I feel miserable.
The ptsd is so early onset, I didn't realize how early. I asked my dad if anything bad happened when I was young, before 6 years old. Thats when my parents split up.
He told me about how my mom would get into ragefits and throw stuff at us, and my dad would shield me from it. He told me how she had attempted on numerous occasions to crash the car and kill us. He told me how we would always be in a bar, ever since I was a baby. The bar owner once told me when I visited at 19, that she had known me from birth, so I guess thats true.
My little has told my boyfriend something about always looking at the moon while she was in the car because looking at the road was too scary. So i guess thats true too..
Then there's just the deep self hatred, and the wanting to not be me, bcause literally every other alter is better than me. One of them is great for the boyfriend cause he can talk to her about his frustrations. One of them is fun and careless, so she's relaxing to be around. The little is always cheery and people love her. Then pocketwatch is the mature understanding one. I'm the thing that sours everything, has way too many insecurities and fears. Is riddled with anxiety and ptsd, and just overall ruins any and all fun for anyone.
Adding all of this together, and a bunch of stuff I don't feel like getting into, just makes me not want to live. But obviously, I also don't want to die. I just don't want to be this kind of sad heap anymore. I go to therapy, I try my best to be nice and kind and understanding, but I fail at it on some kind of sub level. My therapist said something about never having learned the unspoken rules of interaction, but then why do my alters know them? It's not fair. They have help from my memories and knowledge, but I don't have theirs.
I try so hard but I don't make any tangible progress and I need to improve. I really need to. I hate all of it.

I'm sorry for the rant and I don't know what to expect from this post, but right now I don't feel much better and I don't know what to do with it. I'll post it because who knows, maybe someone can actually talk sense into this thing, but I don't want to get my hopes up.

Thanks for reading if you've had the patience for it this far.

What you've described is called medical neglect.

We've experienced a load of it too, and it helped us to know that there's a term for when you have obvious medical problems but aren't taken to see a doctor about it, or you are but then the doctor is dismissive, or the doctor says stuff that's useful but your parent dismisses it and doesn't do anything about it once it's known.

Pocketwatch wrote:Then there's just the deep self hatred, and the wanting to not be me, bcause literally every other alter is better than me. One of them is great for the boyfriend cause he can talk to her about his frustrations. One of them is fun and careless, so she's relaxing to be around. The little is always cheery and people love her. Then pocketwatch is the mature understanding one. I'm the thing that sours everything, has way too many insecurities and fears. Is riddled with anxiety and ptsd, and just overall ruins any and all fun for anyone.

You're just as deserving and worthy of love as everyone else in your system.

We definitely understand this feeling. We feel like a lot of people only have wanted one or a few of us and have balked at others of us being around. That means the person we were dating is an asshole, not that there's something wrong or bad with the parts who are unwanted by that person. It's not clear whether that's happening in your relationship, and it sounds like it probably isn't. It's fair for your boyfriend to miss parts when he hasn't seen them for awhile and has forged relationships with them too, so long as he isn't pressuring you to go away or being disparaging towards you.

We get exhausted and angry at having to deal with a whole lot of extra crap that other people don't have to, or that other people only have to deal with like one thing of and we have a million. Do you, Amy, have anything you enjoy? It's necessary to take breaks from anxiety when you can, if there are things you can take a break to do. I don't have much else useful to say. Just know that you're not alone, we deal with some of the same. We have terrible menstrual experiences too and our doctor suspects endo for us also.

Wishing you best of luck and hope you feel some relief soon.

Crows

Thank you, I never heard of medical neglect.
And no, my boyfriend doesn't blame me for it, or is mean to me about it, just sometimes he tells me he msises them and it makes me feel guilty, at the same time I'm glad he is honest and open about it.
This is the healthiest relationship I've been in, and I want to do my best to keep it, which is why I eant to be less like I am, because I can't stand myself and I don't know how others put up with it.
I am really sorry to hear that you might also have endo, it is a rerrifying thing to hear, and I hope it's not the case and it's something less bad.

I recently broke down saying I don't enjoy things anymore like I used to. When I was about 14 I enjoyed anime, but I grew out of it by the age of 17, which I'm a little grateful for because anime adults tend to be a bit weird, and I'm already weird enough as is. I don't mean any offense by that.
I'm a bit sad about it because I tried rewatching my favorite to rekindle that sense of enjoyment, but it's just a ghost of the feeling and nostalgia now.
Then I realized it is like that with everything, so I spoke to my boyfriend about it, and he told me I have been enjoying things, he introduced me to batman and I love most movies, shows, and games.
He told me I liked other games and movies as well, but.. a lot of that is pocketwatch.
I'm supposed to be the host but I'm mostly empty and the only stuff I like is stuff that is familiar from my childhood.
So nothing really relaxes me, my psychologist told me not to play something competitive like league of legends, so I'm taking a break, and instead focus on something that relaxes me.
So I started learning languages, or at least scripts.
I learned elder runes (elder futhark) in about a week or two, I can read greek, japanese, morse, and working on russian and now korean, also aurebesh, which is the star wars script.
I think the issue is evident, I don't relax when I do that, I go feverishly competitive with everything I do, even when there is nothing competitive about it.
So I stopped doing that.. mostly because lockdowns have taken me out of my habit. (I learn while on public transport)
Also because I went way too hard and I got told off for it.
So I guess there isn't really anything I enjoy or that relaxes me, I just go through the motions.

I'm really worried about not switching, and my psychologist said it was a good thing since it meant I was getting less dissociated and more melded together, but.. it's not a good thing because it makes me physically ill and it stresses me out.
So how do I make them come out more?