Rive's journey thread

The thing is I don't know. I've been asking them but they won't tell me so I dont know. I don't know if I should chalk this all up to them seeing that movie. Believe them or what. I mean I see movies all the time and the littles don't watch titanic and say I sunk on a ship. I feel like I shouldn't ignore them but you know how I don't anyway so it's hard.

Rive wrote:The thing is I don't know. I've been asking them but they won't tell me so I dont know. I don't know if I should chalk this all up to them seeing that movie. Believe them or what. I mean I see movies all the time and the littles don't watch titanic and say I sunk on a ship. I feel like I shouldn't ignore them but you know how I don't anyway so it's hard.

You made a really good point there. They don't say they sunk on a ship but they do say this about your mother.

I think you answered yourself and you have to listen.

Most of my alters had internal lives that start off with them being abused as children. Since that's been externalised some of those internal lives have rewiten the starts. Like because it's finally been externalised they can let go of it being internal. Also one alter let go of being an alter at all and the sense of him is constantly there and he was a "take no sh!7" alter so I basically take none now at all. And if I'm annoyed I immediately express it, it's actually ok since I got used to the feeling of "nobody gives me s#!t and I pick my battles, ignore if I want" like I know the feeling of it but it feels like that feeling lives in the body now not comes and goes since that alter let everything go that made him seperate.

So I think listen. Listen helps. And you did answer yourself, they don't say it about everything but they chose to say that.

Thanks, Sarandipity

***********Major Trigger Warning**************(mention of sexual abuse)***** VERY GRAPHIC ********

Some new stuff that came up:

Please don't let that slimy thing touch me.
I don't want my underwear to be drenched in blood.
Alter said Mommy has her panties down.



I don't know what to believe anymore. How can I have no memory of this for 30+ years?

Firstly, maybe, this is my view - I would keep the actual graphic stuff to yourself like in a journal not just because of it being triggering but because you'll attract perverts.

Your question - It's easier for me to talk about my uncle because I processed that in therapy. I had always felt uneasy around him, intimidated. Once when I was 14 he said "they think you're my gf" about shop staff, that was really creepy. When my son was assaulted it triggered the actual memories and the very uncomfortable uneasy feelings I always had around him made sense.

With my parents, this I haven't processed: there was one memory that would play over and over - I was 3 or 4 hiding in the toilet terrified and wishing to disappear. My father found me and shouted to my mother "she's in the toilet and then laughed and said to me "you can't get away from us that easily" Then it would stop, the memory, just as he lifted me out of the tiolet. I didn't know why I was hiding and frightened, I didn't know why they would laugh and say that. And I didn't want to think about it or why it'd play over and over.

Another one that played over and over was part of conversation with my sister before they seperated our rooms. Me and my sister were in bed, bunk beds, she said something and I said "no, she won't do anything to us tonight because he (the father) isn't here" We didn't know our mother was outside the door until we heard her hit the floor because she feinted, she said it's because she saw a mouse 8 hours earlier. Me and my sister had no care of her feinting and laughed at her even though she had a black eye. When other people saw it in the following days she'd say she was worried people would think our father hit her and me and my sister would say we're surprised she didn't tell people that's what happened and that she probably wants them to think that. We had zero care of her. Our father wasn't around during the day but we had little care of him either. They seperated our rooms after the feinting incident, I now think so that we couldn't easily discuss them amoungst ourselves - pitting me and my sister against eachother was then what they did. They stop me going to dance class because they couldn't afford it but let my sister keep going even though the dance teacher wanted to give me free lessons, for example. But I blamed them not her. My sister is younger so she falls for that stuff easier - still.

My parents weren't affectionate so there was no awkward feelings around affection. They neglected and emotionally abused us during the day and sa us at night. The SA I believe could be blocked because it was at night, when the father got home and being children and half asleep and going back to sleep it's easier for the brain to believe it didn't happen than it did especially when you no longer have anyone to talk to. I blocked out all the emotional and physical day time abuse so blocking out other stuff is easy. To block out whole days where you are walking on eggshells shells and tell yourself it's all ok is alot harder in a way then blocking out incidents.

It's also hard to recover the memory. The memory was blocked for a reason. I still find it much easier to ignore and block things than I do to remember them. Eg I saw a woman and recognised her but couldn't remember anything about her. I spoke to her. I went home and I had to rack my brains of how I knew her and why - turned out I knew her from a domestic abuse group and she's close friends with a spiteful person. So I blocked it when talking to her, if I hadn't blocked it I would of triggered and anxious and if I hadn't forced myself to remember who she is (and it took hours) then I would never have know. Years before I would of not forced myself thought "I dunno who that was, whatever" and carried on but because I'm trying to get out of outdated unnecessary coping mechanism of dissociation and blocking uncomfortable memory I forced myself to remember.

If an army person has trauma in war without having had any childhood trauma they block it out, have ptsd, can't remember details and have flashbacks. If an adult fully formed brain is capable to do this then a child brain developing in a traumatic environment is going to develop their brain around that coping mechanism.

That's what has happened to us. Our brain developed around a survival coping mechanism. That's why.

Thanks, Sarandipity

I agree with what Sarandipity said about keeping the graphic details in a journal or to share with your therapist--not to describe on here.

Sorry if I triggered anyone. Had another session with my therapist again today. I don't know why she talks how she does. First she said she doesn't think these thoughts about my mom would bubble out of nowhere. Then she said maybe it wasn't my mom and someone else but I need to talk about my feelings. Then incest usually doesn't stop until it's dealt with. Then she thinks there is strong suspicion that my mom abused me. I wish she would speak more clear cut. I don't know if she's saying she has a strong suspicion. She thinks I do or what. It's so hard to follow.

Rive wrote:Sorry if I triggered anyone. Had another session with my therapist again today. I don't know why she talks how she does. First she said she doesn't think these thoughts about my mom would bubble out of nowhere. Then she said maybe it wasn't my mom and someone else but I need to talk about my feelings. Then incest usually doesn't stop until it's dealt with. Then she thinks there is strong suspicion that my mom abused me. I wish she would speak more clear cut. I don't know if she's saying she has a strong suspicion. She thinks I do or what. It's so hard to follow.

They don't wanna be accused of "making you think anything" The twins banned therapy because they were worried about a therapist making us think stuff and it's likely parts in this system would believe that and get confused and think a therapist made us think it. So I get why.

She can't say anything that pushes you down a certain route Because she could get accused later of you saying she made you think it.

But yeah it sounds confusing and annoying. Paul bailed on the police interviews because the policeman said "if you make a statement now and then have therapy and the statement changes then it weakens your case" So Paul said f this I'll wait till after therapy. But because of denial issues we're trying to work out the gist before therapy so we can't later question if therapy made us think stuff or if it was definitely us. We have the gist I believe pretty much so by the time we're in therapy it will be parts processing the emotions and maybe speaking about details.

So I get why she is being confusing although at the same time it's unhelpful.

It sounds like she's saying she hears you but asking if it could of been a woman other than your mother to cover her bases.

I can say this because I'm not your therapist. I know mother's are capable of unspeakable evil because of my own mother. I'm all on my own, so to speak, finding things out and every time I take my own word for it things quieten down and life gets a tiny bit easier because it's like puzzle pieces slotting into place and each tiny piece appeases other pieces.

So you aknowledging one child part, believing them and accepting it, regardless of this outside confusion from the therapist, could also help other parts - other parts relax, feel like ok I'll be believed and things calm. Or because you're in therapy other parts might want to talk up. Parts talked to Paul about SA, three or four and there's about 40 fragments, till Paul couldn't take anymore and had a kind of heart attack. They don't keep popping up now or throwing in images, they know that the system is fully aware of them and that when were in therapy they can talk when it's right, gotta work out if we trust the therapist first once we get one - we're on a waiting list but if I save up money where I'm indoors and spending a bit less I might go private.

What I'm saying is you've aknowledged, keep aknowledging. Tell the therapist you find it confusing and unhelpful that she says anything other than she believes you but remember your aknowledgement has value in its self for you as a whole system.

No-one with Karen, sorry it was long.

Thanks Sarandipty


Weird thing happened to me yesterday. I had emailed my homework to my therapist. Asking if people can really forget their trauma. I sent it at about two o'clock. Then at 1130 at night I was like what I'm talking about I'm DID of course you can