Just wanted to talk

Hey everyone

I thought this may belong here..
I’m not looking for a diagnosis but more to vent how I struggle with everyday life
A couple of years ago I began to notice how my mood swings made me feel different as in mental age or way of being etc. A long story short when my mood changes so does my personality so my likes and dislikes as well.
I find it so hard because some moods don’t like certain people or doing certain things for example I can disassociate and do drugs or have sex even though I don’t want to do it, I feel compelled almost like I can’t say no literally. Anyway I always brush that part aside and stay ashamed.

It’s not like a regular mood swing where you’re more snappy or agravated easily , it’s the fact I do different things, become different become completely opposite of what I was just doing.
And some days I hear them speak
It’s internal and non audible but an aggressive inside voice that convinced me something until I become that mood. I can’t control certain voices to the point I become it, because otherwise it gets louder and louder. They talk to me in ways like “he doesn’t love you cause he does this” “what’s his problem” do usually it’s like a bitching to me about someone else.

Once I had a situation where I switched back And felt indifferent about the whole thing and have sometimes caught myself switching then being not affected by what just happened even though I was crying (I usually remained crying if I was with someone so I didn’t look insane as I was aware what just happened but now didn’t emotionally affect me at all)
I’m sure people will say it’s bipolar but literally I feel like I have so many different interests and moods coinciding that my life feels very unorganised and I’m surprised someone hasn’t noticed it earlier that I act like multiple people or (moods) I call them

There’s no way a functioning human can hate their partner then want to marry them in the same day? It doesn’t make sense. It’s always the loud inner voice party type that hates me partners too when I’m in (that mood) it doesn’t make sense how I’ve noticed certain moods do certain things. How I hate and love the same food at the same time, how I can go out in clothes then be ashamed at what I’m wearing and think god why did I choose this?

Ugh I really hope this makes sense I feel like if you have what I have you can relate as I feel like I’m changing as I type making it harder to explain because different personalities have different capabilities

I’m not saying I have it
But from the bottom of my heart I feel such deep confusion and knowing at the same time I know I live as a multiple and trauma has caused it which is why I’m able to switch things off but still keep living like I’m okay?

Welcome to the forum!

I thought the others were moods also, and it wasn't until I was in therapy with an expert in dissociative disorders that I was able to tolerate being aware that they were different people. Each mood would think of themselves as "me," and then later, the next mood would think, "well, that wasn't me, that was just a mood. THIS is me." And then the next mood would think the same thing. I just didn't put together the fact that "moods" don't have stable likes, dislikes, thoughts, beliefs, feelings, perspectives, etc. Those are all the things that make up an identity.

No one here is going to say, "Oh, you're just bipolar," although an ignorant mental health professional might say that.

If you can find a therapist who specializes in treating DID/OSDD, they can help you feel safer exploring all of this and learning how to communicate/cooperate with each other.

This forum is friendly and supportive, and has some very wise and well-informed people on it. It helped me to spend a lot of time reading on here when I was first grappling with being aware of my system.