Dissociative Barriers

I've been thinking about my system and how it's at a point now where dissociative barriers could be lowered enough that we could all share trauma memory as memory and the emotions.

I was talking to the bf earlier. Telling him how he terrifys most other parts. That just because he doesn't terrify me doesn't mean he isn't terrifying to others. While I was doing that a terrified crying part was very close. I could lower the barrier enough to clearly say how she felt but I couldn't lower it fully because to put her Infront of a volcano that errupts over the tiniest thing would be wrong and unnecessary and completely weaken what I was trying to say because he (the bf) would bully her and frighten her into doing or saying whatever he wanted.

This made me realise though the barriers now are relatively weak and easily lowered. They can't be lowered because of the situation with the bf. They have to stay up. I have to keep myself seperate because then I can deal with him and his tantrums and bullying.

But it got me to realising how easily they are lowered now. I was able to speak from her emotions because I could sense them, I wouldn't say feel them because that's too strong a word. I couldn't feel them, I could sense them. Tears came briefly which was when I had to put the barriers back up. But I could sense her fear and sadness and express it.

Obviously you cannot lower dissociative barriers in a hostile environment but...

Anyone else have this sense of the barriers and feeling they could go but you keep them for one reason or another?

Thanks,

Patrick

I think this is to do with barriers.

Mandy drew the system months ago when it was struggling but drawing closer. The twins were in the middle in the sky, the Overlord in the sky to the right and the others dotted around the landscape of hills and heading towards a castle over on the right.

This morning I went back to bed after getting up to go to the toilet. I started to think about how different I feel since Patrick came back. It's a complete shift from "I'm weak and pathetic to I'm really strong within" Paul said he was going to reach out to people and tried but didn't manage. Yesterday, because of Patrick, I met a friend in the morning and a friend in the afternoon. They are from different worlds so to speak, they wouldn't mix and they actually know eachother but would not choose to mix. I was one way in the morning and another in the afternoon (which is how my life was alot x5 as a teenager). And then he picked up the youngest son a day early so today could be about him. It was a really lovely day and I'm looking forward to today also. I didn't realize the impact of loosing one alter, of specifically loosing Patrick. I know the impact of Karen, it's no desire to date. It shifts my mood and outlook to not needing that. Which although everyone was upset for 3 years with Karen gone it was ok. Patrick being gone for 8months, the difference in how I feel is huge I've noticed since I've been back.

How I believe this is barriers is because from the system looking like different worlds trying to head towards the same point it now looks like a family. I saw Rose and Patrick standing behind "their children" Patrick and Rose would often say "I have ten children and I don't know where they all are" which I thought was them being a bit crazy. Like I had to look for them outside myself so would say "don't be ridiculous I have..." However many I had at the time. The feeling and words went on for as long as I can remember, at points I thought "I'm supposed to have ten children" I don't have ten btw lol Sometimes I'd say "you must be thinking of a past life" Anything to stop the "I have ten children and I can't find them all" which was also accompanied by anxiety.

When No-one was gone for around 20years all that went with No-one was the knowing of abuse and her "I will do whatever I have to do to survive" attitude which was accompanied by love of drugs, guns and unhealthy excitement. When she came back it was a "what are we going to do with her" situation. She has however fitted in to our life now and although she's often at a loss of how to be with children and laughs when she's supposed to be more of parent and discouraged something other than that she's been ok. When our middle child was going to a party she bought him alcohol. The parents of the child who's party it was were allowing alcohol. Other parts wouldn't care and would of refused but her argument was that's what we did at his age and he's sensible anyway which he actually is. Nothing bad happened and he wasn't overly drunk so in that way it wasn't a bad thing.

This morning I saw Patrick and Rose standing behind their children: ten alters, I counted them, the twins (who always said "we have good parents" and eventually I knew them to be Rose and Patrick, the twins said they were from a past life but clearly they are alters), Paul and Lilly, Beth and Karen, No-one and the Overlord (I now know that Peter is a persona of the Overlord which I suspected for some time because he basically disappeared when he found the bf difficult and the Overlord started using other personas which I thought were alters at first but I wasn't sure if Peter was a persona or not. He's going to just use Peter from now on even though he can be all those other things), Mouse and Mandy.

I feel really tearful about it. Rose and Patrick said it's ok if all of them want to regress like Karen did, that they can handle it and will look after them. I don't know what that would look like but our job, our children and life generally would cope with it.

I started to think about who or what I am. I don't identity as a name but as I've got to know them over the years, and especially lately, I identify with all of them even though they are all very different. The term Host smacks of parasites and illness to me. I said to Rose and Patrick what I am then, They said "you are the canvas or the landscape, the rolling hills, the sky behind, you're beautiful" and that's really got to me emotionally, touched me. I know internally and externally sometimes I can be Lapis Lazuli or Obsidian - one sparkles glistens and one is black absorbing anything, like a duality. But I think I like the canvas or landscape not the princess living isolated in a castle which is both Lapis and Obsidian, their identity, very much ok but very protected and disconnected from everything. They aren't persona, they are a mood shift in me and are better marbled together or released to be the canvas or the rolling hills, they are me but with a fixed protected not of this world state of being. Which is safe but it isn't really being. So I don't need a name or an identity because I am the beautiful canvas that Rose and Patrick and their children are part of. A moving, living painting. Which is what I've always been but I didn't realise or see it. I saw sectioned off worlds and division once I could see anything. I saw chaos and deep world's with depths I couldn't get to know all of. I couldn't get to know the depths of their canvases because I am the canvas. So I'm just "me" and I'd say that when asked.

Without them all I'm beautiful, with them all I'm dynamic.

There were times some year's ago when it was believed in the system that Rose and Patrick had abused the twins and that's why they're psychotic. I asked myself deep questions, went into the darkness of my soul. Pushed limits of my psyche and found nothing that said I had any desire to hurt children so I disregarded it and thought "strange inner story" or "past life experience" or "the twins are just psychotic and make things up" Finding out recently, or getting in touch with the memory that I was severely abused by my parents has put all that to bed. I know that was something external that happened to me not internal or the creation of my mind.

Mostly because Patrick has come back and because of seeing them all together as a family, even though Mouse is deformed and Peter is in what is known as "the true form of the Overlord" (an really really old prehistoric vampire, looks like the character in the film were the boy ages backwards when he's really old) I feel like "it's over" like it's finally over. So I think the tears are also like a relief. Whatever happens from here everything that happened in my childhood, in my past, inside my mind because of confusion and repressed memory and not knowing my own truth, it's over. Nobody can take me back there, it's done. Even flashbacks would be just reliving because I know it's over. I didn't expect to feel like this ever, I thought I'd feel always bon edge and in hyper arousal. I didn't even realize I was in hyper arousal till I worked this simple job and noticed every tiny mistake. I told a manager and an inspection came from head office and they said it was the best place they'd seen in this area so that made me think "ok so why am I seeing all these errors" and because of the psychiatrist saying "complex PTSD" to me and that dissociative disorder is sort of like that and under diagnosis he is able to give that's what he could give me, and I have read about PTSD, I knew I was spotting every thing I knew how to spot because yes I'm in a state of constant hyper arousal.

I'm not saying I will suddenly stop being in hyper arousal and I know all the people that walk the landscape of me are not going anywhere but I know it's over and that feels good beyond words.

Beautiful just wrote something, that's what I'm calling her, and then they showed me the song they all relate to me not being around.

Music is used alot in this system. They hear or find songs or sometimes there's something in the charts that pops up and it says what they need to say even if it's just to "self"

It's touched me emotionally. When the guy I worked with left I disappeared so to speak because I was upset. The song they say relates to that to them is "Bolshy" They showed me it yesterday but I didn't really get it. I watched it now and I get it. While I was gone they were all trying to "be me" and they say the song is "like me" I don't worry about money because something will "come up" They work together to help but it's does usually boil down to me because I will think of off the wall stuff, they see it like I'm "Bolshy".

They then said and while they were all switching up trying to be me I was "Godzilla" by Eminem, basically drinking and stuff internally.

They know who "they are" in the Bolshy videos, they picked who's who. Peter is pretty much John Paul, Paul is an extra behind him who slaps him round the back of the head, the woman is mostly No-one. Ok they didn't all pick people but it was hard and I actually didn't realize how much they "need" me, they don't need me but how much they actually think of me. That song says it, I get it and it means alot.

Listen to it one more time, I will and then back to the minor inconvenience of the current state of personal affairs.

Patrick

This morning I felt "like myself" I noticed I felt "like myself" The bf has been not in the bed. I don't see him. I got up and had hot lemon which agrees with Karen's diet plan without even thinking about it and I've been having coffee because I was stressed and kept forgetting and as I drunk it I thought "I feel like myself" no alters. Then I thought maybe it's like what I have read many times.

I read alters are there to "protect" a host or core - I know nobody likes "core" I don't either but I've read this and it occured to me that maybe it's true. Alters protect a part or eachother - I think thinking about it now it's eachother. But this morning it occured to me for the first time in months I felt "like myself" and they were there "to protect" Then because of that my mind went to things that are childhood related and how terrible it was and I got demotivated. The demotivation came only as a mild feeling but straight away I had an internal voice saying "come on just get ready for work" my body was auto dressing. Then there was a background conversation "just help her get ready, she'll feel better and then she can be ok at work" "she'll be better if she gets ready herself" I thought "I don't want to go to work" the demotivation and sadness was welling like it has every time I've felt breifly ok. They answered "if you really don't like it somebody will take over" and I felt ok. I'm not really sure who drove to work but I remember being 1min away and being early.

I know Patrick is constantly close because of the bf situation but right now again I feel like I'm alone, no alters. I feel sad but that's basically normal for me because of the trauma memory stuff I'm sad and tearful any time I'm alone with my own thoughts. Right now I have nothing particular to do so it's ok to sit sad I guess.

I just read what Patrick wrote about the song. I know the song it was watched alot, the video. It also explains "Grey" a little. Grey was a persona the Overlord, sorry Peter, created while Patrick wasn't around and I thought Grey was an alter. Grey was really chilled out but he didn't really know what to do with himself - like the personna was there but not alot of depth. He kind of filled time in a chilled out way when I was stresed. Patrick went out alot this weekend, much more than anyone has for ages, with no stress. I felt more rested after this weekend than I have when I've done nothing. So I think Patrick is chilled but does fun stuff so Peter tried to capture that and he got the chilled out bit but didn't really know what to actually do. Paul slapping Peter round the back of head (so difficult to not call him the Overlord lol) is really easy to imagine - it sums up completely the relationship between the two of them. Peter would do or say something silly and Paul internally wouldn't smack his own head like "what's wrong with this guy" I hadn't noticed that in the song video at all. I knew they saw themselves in it somehow, they related to it but I didn't know how. The internal stuff gets confusing for me so I thought it possibly related to internal world stories the Overlord - Peter - told me but I was completely wrong, they we're thinking about Patrick the whole time which now he's said it the whole love of that song for them makes complete sense.

I think dissociative barriers are unique within the system so it's hard to say. I'm always co-con but I am learning new memories all the time from the child voices.

A man came from a family support type place today. He said he could help me and the bf have "conflict resolution" and I agreed.

The past however long the bf has been out most of the time, sleeping on the sofa and no longer disturbing dinners.

I had a really lovely evening with my children and I felt very relaxed. I was watching TV and online chatting. I felt like it'd be ok to not switch out when the bf got here.

The discussion with the guy earlier was ok and the bf was there but it wasn't ok.

As soon as I got into the bedroom he started shouting at me. Questioning me about dinner. What did I cook. What was left. He knew i would throw his in the bin.

I felt very confused and dissociated. I couldn't work out why from yesterday staying out of my way he was now once again shouting at me over food he already said he didn't want. I felt the confusion and Patrick said "I know why" and he was there like a whirl wind.

He said some stuff, not 100% sure what exactly but basically put the bf in his place it seems because all is quiet now and I'm once again free to quietly do what I'm doing.

Patrick said he thought he could come in shouting at me because I'd agreed to conflict resolution so the bf assumed that meant it was all back to the normal the bf is used to of me cooking and running around trying to placate him and the bf free to constantly shout at me.

This isn't why I'm writing here it's the side issue that made me realise something. The bf called Patrick by his name. It didn't bother Patrick. For most other alters it's very intrusive and they don't like it and it causes them to feel exposed and vulnerable. Patrick didn't feel like that. Although I don't know all the details of the convo I know it didn't phase him being called Patrick.

I asked him why once we was back to calm. Me talking to him calmed him, he has nothing to do tomorrow so he could argue with the guy all night. But me talking internally calmed Patrick down. He said Patrick is his internal name. His internal life is seperate to his external life. When he's in this body he's Sara. If some fool thinks he's cleaver using his name that is purely internal he's mistaken. It doesn't upset him how it upsets other alters. As far as he's concerned when he's in the body he's Sara and if this guy can't see that it's his problem. He's Patrick when he's living internally but when in the body he's Sara. He doesn't care, it doesn't bother him. He prefers to deal with facts. He's in a woman's body with the name Sara, he's Sara. He gets to spend time with Rose or do whatever he's doing internally and that's where he's Patrick. Calling him Patrick when he's clearly Sara just makes the bf look dumb in Pat's eyes. It used to disorientate Paul. It doesn't bother Karen. Mandy prefers to be Sara in the body so she's just immature and not actually 5, she can be 5 any time but she can't be Sara any time. Rose thought she was a ghost helping out so I'm guessing she's ok with Sara or prefers it because Rose hates anything that draws any kind of attention. I think Patrick has a really good way of looking at it, internally he's Patrick but externally he's Sara. I wish the others wouldn't get upset or feel vulnerable when their name is used.

It's a bit like Rumplestiltskin how they see it - there's power in a name but I think Pat just proved that's only true if you let there be.

Bringing down dissociative barriers not only seems scary because of trauma memory but is also a minefield of what stories alters have told themselves inorder to stay sane. Their stories can seem insane. But by doing so, by not having fear, by not heading to the psychiatrist for tablets to block it all out - especially their crazy stories, I used to feel completely insane when I'd feel the belief they have attached to it - it's better. It's better to know all their beliefs, ideas and stories because now I don't associate myself with their beliefs, I don't feel like I'm believing it myself. I can take a more detached veiw. Like if someone else outside me said "I believe I was a folloerer of Jesus when he was alive and it's his second coming and he's an internet nerd and nobody knows he's here and he hasn't quite decided what to do yet because he has made an alliance with the devils daughter to try to save humanity before he decides to destroy it" I'd think "ok, that's nice, a bit crazy but if you believe it then ok, you should write a book about that because it sounds like a really cool story" It wouldn't bother me as long as they seemed generally normal which Beth does seem generally normal. Except I (as a whole person, as my name on my birth certificate) have to write the book even if it's her writing it, yeah it'd be fiction but I just think it'd offend people or they'd laugh - I wouldn't care if they laughed or thought I was crazy, technically I am crazy, but I don't fancy getting lynched. That's my main worry the books are offensive. That I know their stories from mine has helped me, I feel better in myself and their stories don't bother them, they still live and behave normal but they have other ideas about stuff. Pat dealing with the bf the other day said out loud "all I gotta do is not kill you. I don't owe you nothing. You're a wanker. Not my problem. So as long as I don't kill you then its ok" Before Pat said this he thought "hang on maybe I know you from a past life" and then thought of past lifes. He then thought, which was actually quite funny "don't tell me you was the f-ing parot from when I was pirate because I already met the parrot years ago" (I know who he thinks the parrot was, we had to counsel him a bit, not in a professional capacity, he just needed an ear even though we just met him, he'd been slashed down his back by his wife long story). Then he thought about when he was playing a version of Russian roulette one time and "realised" he's the guy who didn't pull the trigger. Pat was annoyed about that and was looking for him a few years ago when this other guy reminded him of it (I dunno who that guy was but Pat said "he's fine, leave him to it" the guy was giving money away to women and he was so doped up he didn't care) but he got over the Russian roulette thing ages ago and just wondered how the guy was. Concluded they owed eachother nothing (Pat and bf who Pat says is the guy who didn't pull the trigger), the guy is wanker and somehow we overall now feel untied from this relationship which we previously felt tied into.

So this is either true (lmao) or it's a very clever mind trick of the twins to allow all of us to let go of the relationship we're in because it's emotionally and psychologically abusive. Either way works so who cares.

And when Pat thought "don't tell me you're the f-ing parrot" it was actually hilarious. I didn't feel like I was crazily thinking it, it was his thought, I didn't feel disorientation or omg I'm crazy. I thought "Pat you're crazy" and he thought back "shut up I'm trying to think who this guy is" so I did and let him have his train of thought which included "hey twins so if I just don't kill him then that's karma squared" they answered but I couldn't hear them and then out loud to the bf he said "all I gotta do is not kill you... I don't kill people all the time so we should be ok" The bf obviously just heard the outside saying and not everything internal. I don't know what he thought of what Pat said and I don't care. But Pat does always like to check karma apparently, which Peter is the alter who's all about karma, a Buddhist but clearly Pat likes karma too. He was worried maybe he did somethimg to him in a past life but he didn't, the guy just wimped out on some kind of bet apparently where Pat and his friend died and the other guy who didn't pull the trigger walked off with the money. It was that he didn't even pull the trigger that annoyed him not that Pat did and the guy got the money. This guy never has money so that's his karma maybe. I dunno. Apparently we took payment of the debt by the guy unwittingly using his abusive traits to cause us to have trauma memory and break dissociative barriers. So better to quit while we're square than end up in debt either way. (End part written by the twins). And Pat doesn't give a hoot what this guy thinks of all this if he reads it. He thinks he should count himself lucky and move along, pretty sure he has other debts to pay elsewhere but none left here. Adieu

Wasn't gonna post this but am simply because it's quite funny and DID doesn't get to be funny very often without out you being medicated for delusions so I'm posting.

Having lower dissociative barriers I have noticed has been both helpful and a hindrance.

It's been helpful because I know what's going on with myself more emotionally and in thought and in my life around me physically a bit more. I'm not getting confused of why I feel something, the barriers are low enough.

It's been a hindrance because for example: the daughter said to Mandy and Peter that the abusive father wants to take her to the gym. They were upset obviously but decided if they take her to the gym then the problem is solved. They told the bf, they were tearful. The bf went into one and started spouting off that them taking her to the gym won't work. They cut the call. Pat took over. He knew what had happened. He then spoke to the bf but Mandy and Peter could hear. It effected them, made them more upset. Patrick was explaining it will work, them taking her to the gym, but if the bf is negative about it then it will demotivate them and they won't do it because they will feel hopelessness and that it's pointless. They have the energy to do something constructive to stop a potential situation but not the energy to fight off someone telling them it's pointless.

Usually they wouldn't hear Pat's argument but because since last July of flashbacks etc barriers are lower and instead of it being a clean switch between them and Patrick they could hear all of what was happening and being said. Which made them feel lower. It was also the level of conversation. They are like kids, they are kids, they can be upbeat and easily distracted and think of good stuff but when somebody starts to put them down or their ideas they are easily beaten down. You like if a kid likes something eg "I want to be a doctor" and adults say "you can't do that, it's too much hard studying and you won't get the grades etc" a kid will give up, they're like that. They don't want to prove people wrong or have the fight in them to even think about it they just get beaten down and give up. Pat, Paul, Karen and Beth are different, they will dig their heals in but they can't do that for something Mandy and Peter want to do. That takes extreme energy, like when Paul dragged the body swimming for the pain part. It can't be done regularly. If he wanted to go swimming he would but to drag the body somewhere for another part is hard work. Pat's with me and he's saying he'll work it into a routine but he likes exercise, so does Karen but since the years when she over exercised and got depressed because of too much endorphins she's frightened of getting addicted again so she will cause avoidance of it. But she doesn't have to go so it's ok.

Anyway what I was saying is that barriers lower is good to know exactly what's going on but it's bad because in the above example child parts heard a very heated discussion. Pat realised they could hear and expressed it to the bf but I don't think the bf got it but the convo did end.

I also don't think that the bf understood that then Pat had to deal with the internal aftermath of that. The explaining it's ok, they had a good idea, don't worry about the discussion - I actually don't have access to the discussion, Pat said it doesn't matter and I know the basics but don't need a blow by blow account of it. That to pick Mandy and Peter back up takes alot of energy. They just wanted to curl on the floor hopelessly crying and they're still a bit tearful, frightened and upset now. It is like having actual kids I have literally just realized. People here have said that to me but I've never had much access to know what's going on with parts on any kind of deeper level. I might know they went bowling but I wouldn't know how they are feeling or the details of what they said or felt whilst bowling. Now I'm getting to know that I realise it is like having actual kids and I need to make sure they are not listening to things they don't need to like heated discussions because the barriers lately can be very low and like actual kids things effect them worse.

I think the problem with this is going to be outside happenings more than me. I know I will be able to speak about or watch TV stuff that they don't need to only when they're not near or the barriers to them are higher. But I won't be able to control outside people so they may do or say upsetting things.

Paul here. I don't think the dissociative barriers are lower. I just read on another thread that the bf tried to get the boy nicked. I'm ######6 fuming. I could kick off now but I won't. I couldn't read all this because I was so angry and was trying so I could catch up. I have zero recollection of what was written on the other thread i read. I read the dream thread, interesting. I don't understand why the bf is around if he's been such a fa3kt*rd.

Something must of went on between what I've read and this moment now. Because I get here and everything is basically how I left it, he's moaning but I say shut up, ok so he's not in the bed which the only change I see, it seems #nothinghaschanged other than that. Angry because of the boy but I read the bit about sleep so I'm gonna go sleep. Somebody needs to fill in a blank somewhere and seeing as it's seems Pat's back I suspect it's Rose who knows what those blanks are. I had the guy at least paying his way a bit but clearly he ain't doing that right now and he's still talking his moany crap. It's gotta have been Rose 1. Free ride 2. Being a moany @@@@@@@ who expects stuff. Pat did not leave it like this I garrentee he left it how I read it "guys leaving asap" not like this.

Paul